Why am I frustrated with my therapist?!

I have a strange feeling of being frustrated with my therapist (and therapy) but I can´t put my finger on what´s actually wrong.


In many ways she´s what I look for in a therapist, she´s kind, she´s caring, she talks about random things like the weather or something I´m wearing while we walk to and from her office and the waiting area. She´s accepting and she´s respectful. She offers me a hug now and then and she always offer me a kleenex when I cry.

But - I´m irritated and frustrated with her! I´ve thought about possible reasons like I could have a hard time accepting her kind manner.


I think therapy for me has become almost all about the therapeutic relationship as none of my former therapists or councellors have been able to help me in a way that I expected them to.


I also think I feel it´s degrading to see a therapist who offers hugs or other kind gestures towards me as we will never (and shoulnd´t) be friends.

But none of those reasons feel "spot on". It´s not that she´s done anything specific during session, I´d know that if so.

I know I can talk to my T about this but I would want your thoughts and reflections on this.

There's two different kind of situations I've experienced where I felt similar to what you describe.

The first kind is if there's actually something about my T that he did wrong. I couldn't always pinpoint it right away. For example the last few weeks I felt irritated and like I couldn't talk properly. But I didn't know why. Then last Wednesday I mentioned one thought that I came up with while thinking about what I'd like to talk about, and it turns out the discussion we got out of that made me feel much better, I now feel again like I can talk the way I'd like to and everything. In such situations, it usually just takes some time and thinking about what is bothering you about your T. It might take a couple of times where your T does whatever frustrates you until you notice that it's that thing that irritates you.

The second kind is when it's actually not about my T. Then it's usually that my T does something which I associate with other people who hurt me or it's that I project my own feelings onto my T.
Could it be that either your T behaves in a certain way that you somehow connect to people who hurt you (for example your former Ts didn't help you and you feel like she won't be able to either), or could it be that you are frustrated with something about yourself (for example not being able to make therapy work the way you'd like it to) and you project it onto her, making it seem to you like she's the reason you are frustrated?

Sarah,
You said:

"But - I´m irritated and frustrated with her! I´ve thought about possible reasons like I could have a hard time accepting her kind manner. "

In my experience, feeling irritated or frustrated are sometimes symptoms of depression. You might not really be irritated or frustrated with your T. You might be projecting those feelings onto her. Think about other people in your life or who were in your life. Maybe you are irritated or frustrated with them, for something they didn't or couldn't do for you. Or maybe you are irritated with yourself.

I would take some time to think about this, and then talk to my T about it. I think there is something underneath the feelings you are having toward her.

Cool

It can happen when you start to trust someone, opening up and letting down your defenses. Sort of like you get 'unfrozen' and feelings emerge that your mind was trying to avoid feeling.

I agree irritability is often behind or a component of depression and also think both irritability and frustration are within the spectrum of anger.

In your previous threads you mentioned that you were bothered by the fact that she seemed so different from you. By your description, she looks like a very healthy person (in every way), who takes care of yourself and enjoys her life, which is kind of the opposite of where you are in your life at the moment and where you've been for a while. Could it be that you might feel that someone like her, who seems to be enjoying herself, is not capable of or not interested in understanding your distress? And, could it also be that you might not believe that someone could have what seems like a "perfect" life and that her happiness might seem to you like a facade, something that's not authentic and so you don't completely trust her?

I know that I am speculating right now, but that's what you asked for. You asked for ideas so I am giving you mine.

FWIW I think you've long assumed that a change in feelings will lead to a change in being. But feelings don't motivate action: action motivates feelings. If you don't choose to take actions, feelings won't change.


The most difficult challenge is to take action, despite feelings.

If its always about the therapist then you don't have to work on you.

Thanks.


Yes, it could be something like the first scenario you described. I think I was a little disappointed about how she gave me feedback on some dreams (nightmares) I shared with her written on a paper. The other thing is probably that I feel frustrated about the hugs she gives me. In one way I like that, she has given me hugs three or four times and in another way I feel she gives me something I can´t actually get. I mean, I won´t be her friend, she won't be my "mother" and she knows that of course.


I know she doesn´t mean that way with the hugs, last time she hugged me after I told her that I haven´t had anybody holding me for over 20 years. She asked me before if she could give me a hug but still.

Thanks. Yes, some part of this is for sure my depression and some other parts are still rather unknown to me. I´m always frustrated with myself on some level and also with my parents who wasn´t there for me like I needed them to be.

I think my T awakens things and offer me hugs and other kind gestures in a context that will never result in a friendship, a parenthood or such. She in a way gives me something I can´t fully get if you know how I mean? With her that is.

I´m not so sure about her that I would dare telling her like "I´m frustrated with you and I don´t know why" as all such things are a risk she would end therapy.

Thanks. Yes, this is very good, I thought about this as well. I think I feel a bit uncomfortable about sharing things with her as she isn´t my friend or a close person in that sense. She gives me hugs although SHE doesn´t need one from me. In a way it feels good to get a hug but in other ways it´s a bit condescending as "I give you a hug as you haven´t been able to find people in real life to give you one".

Thanks. Yes, I appreciate ideas and thoughts about this. Even if I reason like the way you described I though think she is interested in understanding my distress even if she doesn´t always do. I know she has had some difficult times as well, the most obvious thing was when she briefly told me she couldn´t get pregnant. But in many ways she seems to have led a more "successful" adult life while I´m still stuck in some kind of student life without studying.

The facade thing can also fit into this but then more the other way around, that she hides (and should hide) difficult things in her life and that makes me believe that she manages to overcome whatever is difficult in her life.

I think one of the things that makes me frustrated the most is the very ambivalent feeling towards being hugged by her. I know she only means well by giving me one, escpecially as she works holistically, and she wants me to feel some kind of touch as I don´t have that in my life.

But this is hard to manage and process as a hug can feed intimate thoughts in the long run and hugs aren´t for me or other clients but people she can have a real relationship with. Even if I also feel it can deepen the therapeutic relationship.


I also get back to the condescending feeling when getting a hug as I get one from her but not from any other people outside therapy. Besides a short hug sporadically when greeting someone.

Frustration is a normal, and perhaps vital part of therapy.
It forces you to make choices that you would otherwise avoid.

It sounds like you are exploring and learning about yourself a lot, working through all these feelings, trying to understand them, and using the therapy as productively as you can.

Your description of the feelings you have surrounding her appearance of a good life, which seem to evoke feelings feelings of being deprived of what appears to come naturally for others, sounds very poignant as I read through these and other threads you've shared here.

This seems like a valid reason to feel frustrated, and it seems like you have good insight into why you feel the way you do. T's ask so much of us, and I learned on here some use the concept of optimal frustration as a catalyst for change. As if eventually the frustration you feel will lead you on the journey to finding those hugs in real life?

She probably does need a hug from you if she offers one. Therapy is co created. She might really need a hug from a patient, or from you specifically.

as frustrating and uncomfortable as frustration feels, it's an awesome motivator (or catalyst, as SalingerEsme stated) to promoting change.

Thanks. I feel your post is very spot on and it´s absolutely true I feel deprived of what comes naturally for others. I feel my frustration about her has decreased since our last session, perhaps I got some perspective when meeting with my psychiatric nurse who is not even close to be as friendly and caring as my therapist is.

But probably I´ll feel frustrated again, like when my therapist shows kindness and I know it´s both nice and difficult to receive such kindness.

Thanks. Yes, perhaps it will. I don´t think my T had in mind to frustrate me but different things happening during a session that combined made me frustrated.

I found your comment about my T needing a hug from me very interesting, I´ve more or less never heard someone say that about a therapist. What made you think that she wanted a hug from me? I don´t ask in a negative manner, I´m just interested.

I understand your ambivalence about hugs in therapy. Personally, I wouldn't want a therapist to offer me a hug, let alone to initiate one. I never offered or initiated hugs with my clients. I returned a hug when they hugged me, but never took initiative with this.

I think, and this is my opinion only, that it is a mistake for a therapist to offer hugs to clients under any circumstances. I perfectly understand that many therapists may do so with pure intentions, because they assume this would be therapeutic for the client, but their assumptions are exactly what I take issue with. I don't think a therapist has any ability to know how this would affect a particular client and what long term affects of this would be. A hug may feel pure and therapeutic to a therapist but not to a client. A client may have a response different from what a therapist intended to evoke. Also, one day a client may believe that a hug from a therapist will help them feel better and, once they get a hug, a week later they may feel that now they are confused about the nature of the relationship. So, I don't think that it is always appropriate for a therapist to give a client a hug even when they ask for it. Of course, this is not a rule of thumb, there is no hard and fast rules. Each individual situation is unique and needs to be judged in its full context. But I personally feel that hugs tend to be more of an ethical slippery slope in therapy rather than a therapeutic gesture. Also, I can certainly see how in your case a hug that the therapist offered may feel condescending because it kind of sounds like she puts herself in a very powerful position that way. The hug in this case may feel like a technical "therapeutic substance" she bestows on you, not something natural and spontaneous that comes from heart.

I think it is a sickness of our (Anglo Saxon) society that people don't hug each other more widely and more often.

Something I've noticed in me is that frustration has reached the point of habit. Even if I'm in a space where I'm not mad at my therapist about specific things, I still feel this underlying irritation because that's just the feeling my brain associates with that person. It's like thinking of your least favorite teacher from grade school or something. Thinking of T just brings up an automatic frustration.
You mentioned that your therapy has become almost all about the relationship, and that's the case with me, too. It feels like a ridiculous waste of time because I do discuss the relationship with my therapist, and she seems completely unaffected/uninterested. It only frustrates me more. She has offered to hug me a couple of times, too-- and I've interpreted it as a pity thing, so I've always declined. I really wish she'd offer a hug just as a friendly gesture.