Should I quit therapy if my therapist won´t call me if I suddenly don´t show up?

Thanks. I didn´t mean when a client decides not to show, I mean in situations when something has happened like an accident or similar. It´s not so much about asking what I was or did but showing consideration.

I agree it´s up to the client if I would actively choose not to be present, then it´s another thing. But as I haven´t missed any single appointment and my therapist knows I'm not a flaky person I feel hurt by her standpoint on this.

Thanks. Yes, I agree the underlying cause for this is very important and a matter to straighten out. It´s not that I absolutely need her to change her standpoint on this but she needs to understand me and why I react the way I do. Next thing is to "show" me some ways of handling this in a better way as hearing this from her, how she reasons, really put me down.

Thanks. Yes, this is an interesting viewpoint as I understand other clients might feel how my T acts in this very situation, that is not to call a client who isn´t present, would feel to them as a kind of adult freedom of choice.

Also, my question doesn´t include those situtions when a client choose to not show, perhaps sends a text and cancels, then I don´t think a therapist should call or reach out.


My concern is about situations when something has happened to me like an accident and I feel it´s very hurtful to know that my T wouldn´t try to reach me even once. She knows I´m not a flaky or indecisive person who regularly cancels sessions and by that she should show some concern as I see it.

To see if the client is still coming to the appt.

I remember one time i had the day/time mixed up and got a text as I was going thru Starbuck's drive through. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to meet, so I called him in the parking lot.

Feeling infantalized when a T calls upon no show seems like projection too, no?

Maybe it's like this-they are damned if they do, damned if they don't. An alternative is to look at it case by case I suppose.

Many times we don't know immediately what we are feeling. Feelings are not always easy to identify, and even when we are able to identify them, we may not know exactly why we feel that way about something. It takes some time to understand what we feel and why and make all logical connections in order to be able to explain it to someone. That's why it is so difficult for many people to talk about their feelings. In order to explain them we have to make synaptic connections between completely different parts of the brain. We have to translate an immediate, often sensory, non-linear experience such as a feeling that operates beyond words into the linear chain of logical, intellectual constructions. It is a no small task for a lot of people, especially in our world of never ending external distractions when reflecting on inner processes is not encouraged.

And also, when we manage to complete this task, language still doesn't convey the raw experience of feeling. Just try to explain to someone who's never had a strawberry what a strawberry is. You can make your description as colorful as you want, you can go into a great detail describing a texture, a flavor, a taste, a smell, a sight of it, but if someone really wants to know what a strawberry is, they have to taste it, not read about it, not listen to someone talk about it. This example, actually, goes beyond my original point, which is that it takes a certain process to put our non-linear experiences such as feelings into words and such a process takes time. So, it's a little unreasonable of your T to expect that you will be able to always explain to her what you are feeling in the moment and why. To me, if you do it next session, that means you are addressing it, you are not putting it off.

But the T cannot know in advance whether the person forgot or deliberately did not come and deliberately did not notify. In the first case, it is the responsibility of the client to remember her appointments anyway, in the second case it would be absolutely inappropriate for the therapist to call and ask why they did not come.

For me, with the relationship I have with my T, it would be devastating to know she wouldn't follow up by my not showing up. For me, it would show a lack of caring and concern. But, that's just me. Everyone has a different relationship with their T.

AND, I know she would check in on me. Not that we've ever had that conversation but since I am very reliable and have always been on time, my non-show would obviously be an indication of something gone wrong. And, I've been seeing her for 7 1/2 years. So, for a lesser amount of time with a T, it might be different.

I believe my T would call or text me if I didn't show up. Once I was just 3 or 4 minutes late and he was out in front of the building looking a little wound up, watching the incoming road for my car. I saw him before he saw me, but when he saw me he waved and waited for me to walk to the building, and held open the door for me.

I think some of the rules become more flexible as time in therapy goes on. 9 years for me. But I know he cares about me, even if he wouldn't reach out if I missed an appointment. I feel it in session, every time.

The one time I was late to the first one - she called. I was on my way, walking from my own office down the 3 blocks to her office. I had been detained by a crying student.
The second one also called the one time I was not on time to an appointment at her office - I had gotten caught up in work and not realized the time.
I cancelled a lot, but never just did not show up so it was out of the ordinary for me and they called. I was surprised.

I can understand feeling hurt by a t not calling after a missed session, especially if you always show up. I think I would be hurt if my t did not reach out briefly (email/call/text) to make sure I’m ok, mostly because I’ve been seeing him almost 2 years and have never no-showed. I wouldn’t expect him to call right away, but hopefully at some point that day to show he cares about my well-being. If it was a regular thing for me though, I definitely wouldn’t expect a call.

I have not missed an appointment in 8 months. I would hope if I did not show up it would signal that something serious happened like I got into a car accident on the way there and he would at least call to check as I do not play games by not showing up for appointments. If we got into a tiff over something and I was feeling jaded I would have the decency to cancel ahead of time an not just not show up.

I'm thinking about this question now, too. Partly in response to an article I read, I asked my T yesterday what he'd think if I didn't show up. Would he wonder if I was OK? Or just figure I'd decided to stop coming. He said likely a mix of both. I didn't come right out and ask if he'd contact me, but I think I may need to ask that next session. I mean, I've attended every session since I started seeing him a year ago and let him know if I'll be even 5 minutes late.

So for me just to no-show would suggest that I'd messed up session time, was angry at him (though I'd still have courtesy to cancel), or that something had happened to me. I'm hoping he'd at the very least text, if I was, say, 15 minutes late, to say, "Are you still coming to session today?" Or if not that, since we have two sessions a week, to text me later in the day and say, "You missed today's session. Hope you're OK. Let me know if you want to keep Thursday's session." Or even without the "Hope you're OK." Just some sort of acknowledgment that I wasn't there, just because it's been a year and I've been reliable. (Would be different if I was a new client or routinely no-showed.) I wouldn't stop seeing him if his policy is to not contact clients, but I'd just like to know. Especially if it was just, say, a scheduling mixup, I'd hate for him to think I'd just bailed and wasn't coming back and then just cancel my future sessions.

Ex-T did call once when I was 10 minutes late--turned out I'd had the time wrong. Was still able to get there and have most of the session. I think ex-marriage counselor called H once when we were both late--we'd just hit traffic. But that was also a case where I/we had been very reliable clients, always showing up or calling if we were late/had to cancel.

Going by the responses on this thread, I’m not sure if things are way out of whack with my current therapist.

She has explicitly stated that she knows I’ll never do a no-show. She’s right — that’s just not my style and I won’t ever do that to anyone.

Even if I think I’m going to be a couple of minutes late, I text and let her know — it’s rarely ever happened. Maybe once or twice in 2 years.

If I ever try to cancel a session — even if it’s well in advance, like a few days ahead — she closely questions me on why I’m doing it (even over text). She did that even when I cancelled a session when I was rather sick (and mad at her but that’s a different reason) — she let it go then after probing a bit although it was clear she knew that I was fibbing a bit.

If I really have to cancel, she’ll offer an alternate session.

We’ve gone back and forth on how this has come to be — a long time ago, she intuited that I cancel mostly when I’m really angry at her (ready to fire her as she put it). Since then at various points in time, she’s tried varying levels of effort to get me to show up depending on what was going on — when things were really crappy, she’d message me saying she hoped I’d show up every time I cancelled. Usually, I’d end up texting her then a couple of hours before session, asking if I can come in — she’d always say yes. Sometimes she’d have kept my slot but even if she’d given away my slot (coz I’d gotten mad at her that she’d started predicting that I’d always show up and so I deliberately started skipping and changing my pattern), she’d offer me another one the same day.

At this point, I’m not likely to fall back into that pattern. But, yeah, there is no way I can cancel and not have it closely questioned any more.

I assumed it was common for therapists to do that though.

I don’t take it as a sign of caring — they realize that if canceling is not a part of a person’s pattern, then it’s a quick step to quitting altogether. She told me, for example, that I’m not a “cancel-er” — the first time I cancelled and she followed up to try to get me to show up because she realized I was super angry at her although I hadn’t given her a reason for my cancellation.

There was one time I did miss an appointment. I had actually called in to cancel but the office did not get the message until after I had missed the session. It was an office staffer who called and yes, she did enquire if there was an emergency requiring contact with the therapist. I had no expectation however that she owed me a call. It occurs to me that they are pretty busy going from client to client to client. I wonder then if they even have the time on their hands to call every missed or canceled appointment.

It sounds as though your therapist has gone so far as to set boundaries and expectations. I would respect these.