I've ended therapy

Well, I'm not saying that all therapists should terminate when a client no-shows without canceling. I also don't know for sure if that's what my therapist would do. It's just a guess. My guess is he would say if the person insists on acting like a child, to the point where they can't even send a text to cancel, then he is not the right therapist for them.

Late career therapists who have a full practice choose their clients. And mine chooses fairly high functioning ones. He expects a certain degree of adulting.

Also, I could totally be wrong, and he could be super patient with no shows.

And, my guess is, even given the way I think he is, he might be persuaded to forgive a first offense.

You know, he was probably unsure of the best way to proceed in this case too. You said you didn't want the appointment but would call to confirm either way. You didn't, but he kept it for you and hoped you would show. You didn't show and then he would have the conflict of whether or not to respect your wishes (what he SHOULD do - you are the paying client and you are the boss. Ethically he isn't supposed to chase his clientele.) He probably waited through that session time to see if you would make contact or appear or whatever. (He is supposed to respect your call to come or not come to therapy). But in the end he "caved" and reached out to you by text later on.

From my point of view that seems to show that he cares for and respects you rather than not.

Hi all,

Thank you for your posts, even the ones I really disagree with.

I actually would like to continue therapy, but I'm not going to go and see someone who can't bend at all for me. He's a really rigid guy, and while I can accommodate some rigidity, at some point he needs to realise I'm the client and I'm the one paying HIM.

I don't say that with the idea that he should hug me, but he has to own that if he doesn't, it is the wrong decision for me. He kept trying to tell me it wouldn't be what I thought it would, which is completely out of line. He's the one who looks uncomfortable as anything and tries to avoid the conversation of touch whenever it's brought up. When I tell him this is the wrong decision for Me, and I tell him over the course of a year, he needs to accept that I know myself better than him.

I wrote him an email saying my preference would be to continue therapy, but he has to own up that he has said some really insensitive things, and that he should have called when I didn't show up. And that we'd need a session seeing how/if we can do without hugs in therapy. If he really can't do that then continuing is the wrong decision.

I don't really think he'll get back to me, because I have the nagging feeling he doesn't like that a client had challenged him so forcefully. But the door is open if he wants to continue.

It's perfectly understandable to go your own way if you want something from therapy (especially referring to the hugs here) that he can't provide. You want them, he isn't willing to go there. There are plenty of therapists that do offer hugs from what I've seen on here.

Choosing to go to a therapist who can offer the things you need is practicing good self care.

Great post- I agree with all of this

I have explored some of this territory. My T not only does not hug or shake hands, but he maintains a three foot rules with all clients. Over the years this has relaxed a bit with me, but he has never touched me. I actually thrive on this, and was so so uncomfortable being hugged by a different T ) I am fine with personal life hugs) .

Hugs are complex. There's so much about parenting now that says not to force a kid to hug grandma, or teach them to ignore kind of the sanctity of the right to make decisions about your own body. Other parents still feel more like a hug is requisite in some situations, it is a social communication and a social skill.

I see both sides. If hugs dont come naturally to a T , or the T feels it opens the door to ethical confusion or added confusion for the client on what the relationship is or isn't, I just dont think it is a topic up for discussion as much as that human T defining his own boundaries for his own personal space?

In that situation, the choice probably is to feel loved and cared for through words and actions of the T other than touch or change T's. I would be so uncomfortable if my T tried to make me give hugs, but yet I adore him and have so much love and affection for him.

I dont think your T hugging you or not is a comment in him caring about you. It might be testimony to how much he cares that he holds the boundary and thinks of it as keeping you safe. I get what you're saying about you being the one to decide what you need, and this is a great space to explore how to negotiate when two people's needs in relationship come into conflict, or to say what is a wish.want and what is a need.