I've ended therapy

Hi all,

I just want to thank you all for your posts on my other thread, Therapy Crossroads.

I was hemmimg and hawing over whether to go back up to the last minute. Then my husband, who has defended my therapist whenever I've had an issue with him, asked me if he'd confirmed the appointment.

(At the last session I'd told him I'd confirm either way, but hadn't, because I kept flipflopping back and forth over what to do.)

My therapist hadn't sent me anything to ask if I was coming.

Then my husband pointed out that my therapist could have done that as a way of reaching out, while remaining professional. My husband also pointed out that one of my biggest issues is feeling ignored, so my therapist not asking to confirm either way said quite a bit.

So I didn't go.

My therapist didn't text or call asking if I was coming or asking if I was OK. I have been seeing him for over a year and never missed a session, and I've only been late once, by three minutes. So this was completely out of character. Buy my therapist doesn't seem bothered, so I guess this is the end.

I feel really sad, but know I'll be OK. I didn't have any delusions that I was special to him but I am surprised I wasn't worth a phone call. But I'm glad I found out how little he cares now, rather than in another year.

Just trying to take all the good from the relationship and make peace with things. I don't have any serious mental health issues, so I won't be looking for another therapist.

Thanks, guys.

You are worth a phone call! Screw him! Be strong and don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help again if you need it.

They have all kinds of theoretical beliefs and ethics stances about this. My T put it " we aren't allowed to run after you if you choose to leave". The free will of the client is supposed to come before their own interests. I dont think your T simply doesnt care, it is just the client is supposed to be in the control seat. Saying that, it is really upsetting he didn't call and therapy is confusing. I would feel hurt too. One of the reasons I rarely miss is bc I dont want the experience of my T not checking in .

Salinger,

I take your point, but I think there's a difference between running after a client and pressuring them to come back, and asking 'Can you let me know whether you're coming on Wednesday, as you haven't confirmed?'

If I had a client at work who hadn't confirmed, or who hadn't showed after being punctual for over a year, I would call them because some thing's gone wrong somewhere and I'm running a business.

My T from the beginning said he does NOT "chase".

Wow. Came here for support. I would hope if be a bit kinder if one of you guys left your T and said you were sad.

I think there is a difference between calling to see if something happened after a not usual no show versus chasing after a client. Sorry you are sad about it. I wish those guys had some standards rather than their loosey goosey make it all up as they go along and get defensive/blame the client/hide behind whatever they can make up and can get clients to believe when they act like jerkwads

Sorry. It was not my intention to be unsupportive or unkind.

I'm sorry your therapist didn't text or call you. I hope that you are able to move forward in a way that is helpful to you. (((hugs))) if you want them.

I'm sorry tomatenoir. That must be hard. I too would want my t to at least make sure I'm ok if I no-showed suddenly - something I've never done in almost 7 years of seeing her. I don't think making sure you're ok in this kinda thing is at all the same as 'chasing' I mean anything could have happened.

At the risk of sounding unsympathetic, I'm going to ask if you know this statement is true:

**I found out how little he cares. **

Actually, I think you found out NO SUCH THING. You only found out that he did not call. He COULD care deeply for you, care just a little bit, or not care at all, but you do not know that.

Do you?

I think you have jumped to the conclusion that he does not care, but that does not mean it is true.

I am sorry this played out in this way..it is a disappointment for you and I would feel a similar disappointment. I sometimes find out how invested I am in things only when they are over. I am the kind of person who feels sad and let down and disappointed fairly regularly, even when not showing it outwardly.

While I am sure that you can "soldier on," it's still a let down, and a bummer.

People draw conclusions all the time. I don't see that the conclusion made by the OP is outside of the realm of possibility. It may or may not be how the therapist sees it and I doubt if it was the way the therapist saw it that said therapist would be honest about it. But certainly it can feel like the therapist did not care if one was looking for such a thing from a therapist.

I'm sorry you're feeling uncared about by your therapist. I've been there. However, it seems to me that if you told him you would confirm either way, and then you didn't, that's not really on him. I don't want to cast blame, but I don't think it was helpful for your husband to insinuate that because your therapist didn't do what YOU had said YOU were going to do, that he was at fault. Many clients would have felt that a therapist doing that was pushy. It's kind of a no-win situation for your therapist, is the way I see it.

I'm really sorry if that sounds unsympathetic. I'm just trying to broaden your perspective so that maybe you can reconsider the belief that your therapist just doesn't care about you. I really do get it. A couple months ago, my therapist told me she would text me on Wednesday if she had an appointment available on Friday (there was a potential conflict on her end). She never texted, and I had to make the choice whether I was going to reach out myself, or allow myself to further suffer without an appointment. I reached out.

That is MUCH better than what i first wrote. Thats why they pay you the big bucks. Whoever "they" are. Like Kermit the Frog sang, its not easy being supportive.

I disagree. His whole persona is that he's Mr. Professional. So if you take the previous session content out of it, a professional would call to confirm an unclear appointment.

He's all about playing by the rules and being ethical, so why change suddenly? It might be because he doesn't want to deal with someone who's upset with him.

To be honest, it's the fact that he didn't call me during my standing appointment time that tells me it was the right decision not to go. If I was a client who was flaky, or who ran late all the time, or had just started, or played games, I could maybe understand him not calling. But not when I've always turned up on time for a year and done my best.

I mean, why not call? He's got a free appointment with no client.

I actually got a text from him midday today (my appointment was last night) saying he hoped nothing serious had happened to me last night (a bit late) and that I had missed a 'booked in' appointment with him.

I don't know how he could have assumed I had an appointment with him. So on top of everything else, he's either not listening to me or just assumes I'm a cash machine that will turn up no matter what.

It basically feels like he's not interested in working with me because it got hard.

I'll pass. It was great while it lasted, I'm glad I went, and there's stuff I'll bring forward. But at some point your partner needs to realise that any relationship, even business one, has two people.

Oops
wrong thread

sounds like youre shooting yourself in the foot.

On the one hand, if you want to quit seeing this T, that is a perfectly valid choice. I can understand feeling hurt that he did not call.

On the other, I don't think this one non-call is such a great test of his caring or not-caring. Also it seems like you're pretty angry, about this and whatever went before. So to my mind, just quitting over this without any further contact seems like a bad end that's going to leave you with a lot of hard feelings.

I agree it doesn't necessarily mean the T doesn't care, but what's more likely-

someone is concerned so calls
someone is concerned so doesn't call

it could be

someone is concerned but forgets to call or doesn't think to call. etc.

So I would personally ask.

We all have minds though. If I tell my husband I will let him know if I will pick up the kids from school, then he realizes I did not let him know, is it logical for him not to inquire again with me?

I don't see the premise that

OP tells T she would confirm appointment
OP doesn't confirm
OP doesn't go to appointment
T doesn't call

Means the T is following some rational principal.

This makes no sense. Saying you will confirm but not doing it = do not call when someone fails to confirm would be just as weak of a conclusion as the OP making a conclusion that T doesn't call = T doesn't care.

I agree it is professional to clarify.

Reverse this-

If the T said he would confirm but didn't, and the client doesn't show up then goes to next session saying "but you said you would confirm but didn't" the T might say the client not reaching out to confirm is 'playing games' or 'acting out'.

Come to think of it, the therapist may have been acting out. I noticed they kind of do this a lot.

I can't help to think after reading all this thread that more likely you are upset with T and you are projecting this upset to T. Based on the interactions you have described it doesn't sound anything really extra-ordinal, especially after the T sent you a text. It does sound though that you are looking for a reason to flee the treatment because supposedly some things have become quite uncomfortable.

I think that's ok but I think it would be more healthy to try to own your upset and not to project it to someone else.

Another perfectly valid option is just to go back and talk about all these upset feelings with the T even if it means or looks like blaming the T in everything. If the T is worthy then he will take all of it and handles it without shaming you. It doesn't mean that you suddenly would feel better and that the T would start calling you in future when you decide to ghost, but ver time, something good can come out of it.

This is why I hate a lot of T's. When I was 20 minutes late once and didn't text to let my T know I was running late (horrible traffic, phone got run over by car the day before, and mobile network on new phone wasn't working so couldn't text him), he texted to see what was going on. If I just didn't show, I'm sure he'd text me. He'd be upset. He might terminate me over something like that unless I had a good reason. But he'd text me. It's not running after someone to ask why they missed a session. It's acting like a normal human being. Too many therapists try too hard to be weird inhuman aliens.

I dread the day I have to look for a new therapist.

Really? Why would he do that?

If I just didn't show up to a scheduled session without canceling and for no reason other than I didn't want to go, that would be a whole level of acting out that he probably wouldn't tolerate. That said, I did once get the time of our session mixed up, and only realized 15 minutes before the session that I mis-remembered the time. I texted him immediately to let him know I wouldn't be able to make it and why. He was fine with that because it was an honest mistake and not acting out.

What I'm talking about is also different from OP's situation since OP didn't go to an unconfirmed session. I'm talking about confirmed sessions.

My T would have texted me to confirm if we had an unconfirmed appointment. If only for the purpose of managing his schedule. Seems like a normal human thing to do.

But couldn't the need to act out because you are not able to yet talk about some important stuff be a good enough reason for not coming? Acting out is a language as well and to my mind an important one. I understand when it becomes excessive (e.g. the person is ghosting all the time but even then sometimes it would be better just wait it out until the person feels able to come) but being so intimidated by such a (I would say, pretty standard) acting out sounds to my mind a bit overblown.

And I'm not totally sure about the OP's sessions regarding confirmed or not confirmed. If it was a standing appointment then it is to my mind by default confirmed unless the person explicitly states that he cancels.

Also, it seems to me that this not confirming and not coming did not come completely out of the blue because I understand that there were some upset feelings in the previous session. Thus, it is also not the scenario when someone who never misses suddenly and completely unexpectedly does not come.