Thoughts on what this means, in regard to countertransference from a T?

[DP_2017]

Do you mean acting on?

That would imply stuff like feeling attracted to client and trying to kiss them or ask them out etc as opposed to feeling attracted and just ignore the feelings or refer a client elsewhere

Acting in, doesn't make sense to me so if that's what you really mean...no clue

T says she was acting in. When she reacted to a question I asked her.
She said it would have been better if she had caught it at the time.

it does make sense to me. my t explains it like this - that i come in there with all my energy, whatever, and sometimes if she's not as alert as she should be to it she kinda gets drawn into it. In my own words it's like she reacts in ways that aren't really 'her' but are more like a reflection of my 'stuff' or something, in ways that my 'stuff' makes me expect people to react? maybe? something like that. i think.

eta after seeing trace's post: yes, my t said the same thing that she needed to be more aware and catch it in herself sooner.

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

it does make sense to me. my t explains it like this - that i come in there with all my energy, whatever, and sometimes if she's not as alert as she should be to it she kinda gets drawn into it. In my own words it's like she reacts in ways that aren't really 'her' but are more like a reflection of my 'stuff' or something, in ways that my 'stuff' makes me expect people to react? maybe? something like that. i think.

Thsts exactly what happened. It was bizarre!!
What I was talking about, actually happened in the room.

I've emailed T about it. Her reply I told her was a load of bull-locks. It wasn't but I feel pressure to beat this out. Definitely transference in full bloom.
She said it's not, and that we are getting tangled up in it.
She replied that there is no wrong question. But there can be A wrong answer at the wrong time and she needs to be sure that an answer won't harm me.

[RaineD]

I'm confused but curious. Are you willing to share her response here?

Originally Posted by RaineD

I'm confused but curious. Are you willing to share her response here?

I had been talking about how my adoptive mother took my hand away from her whrn I was cuddling her once as a small child and told me never to do that again.
I was crushed. Felt I'd made a full of myself by thinking I had any right to cuddle her. Knowing they she wasn't my 'real mother' as she had pointed out to me.
So I fear getting relationships wrong. Fear being laughed at for crossing a boundary. Because that particularly relationship isn't meant for closeness.
So I asked T a question today about whether she had a good relationship with her mother.
She laughed, and then she said "why are you asking?"
It took me a great deal of courage to ask such a personal question and felt the sting of the rejection of the answer.
I immediately replied "it's a simple yes or no, I don't want details (though that's probably a lie)"
She replied "no she hadn't a good relationship weigh bet mother" but why did I ask?
I replied "I imagined you had, so why are you like you are and me like I am?!"
T said "is about degrees. My adoptive mother wasn't there for me at all"
As I drove home. I realised her laugh and my searing pain was connected.
She did reply to another email saying about how though she hadn't caught what was happening in the moment, this will lead to a deeper understanding of what was happening.

This isn't a thread for therapy bashing.

This was her 1st reply.

can see that it can feel like I’m pushing you away, but I do need to know why you ask in order to be as sure as possible that my answer won’t hurt you in any way. There isn’t a right or wrong question, but sometimes the answer can be right or wrong, or at the wrong time. And then it isn’t helpful. Your fantasy was that my childhood must have been fine. When you found out it wasn’t, that made you compare and question yourself. Is that useful? I’m not sure.

In the moment, I didn’t know why I laughed. Thinking about it now, I could say it was me “acting in” - that I did it because you expected it. Not that I set out to do it - you usually catch me unawares with these things. We can use that to deepen our understanding, but of course it would have been better if I’d caught what was happening and talked about it rather than acting it out.

[RaineD]

Ah, that makes more sense now. I sort of get it.

Originally Posted by RaineD

Ah, that makes more sense now. I sort of get it.

Yeah. It's one of them things. Because the transference is mine. It's hard for people looking in to dealt get it.
I get that.

[InkyBooky]

Originally Posted by Trace62

This was her 1st reply.

can see that it can feel like I’m pushing you away, but I do need to know why you ask in order to be as sure as possible that my answer won’t hurt you in any way. There isn’t a right or wrong question, but sometimes the answer can be right or wrong, or at the wrong time. And then it isn’t helpful. Your fantasy was that my childhood must have been fine. When you found out it wasn’t, that made you compare and question yourself. Is that useful? I’m not sure.

In the moment, I didn’t know why I laughed. Thinking about it now, I could say it was me “acting in” - that I did it because you expected it. Not that I set out to do it - you usually catch me unawares with these things. We can use that to deepen our understanding, but of course it would have been better if I’d caught what was happening and talked about it rather than acting it out.

Your T sounds very insightful and thoughtful. I like that when you shared your concerns/feelings about the incident she really seemed to pause and think about what may have happened for her...and then she tries to explain her internal process to you (but without making it about her or taking the focus off your therapy). The fact that she really tries to measure her answers so as not to hurt you or detract from the therapeutic process seems like a wonderful thing.

[weaverbeaver]

I like your t and her honesty, it’s refreshing and the way she considers ways not to hurt you.
I hope you got some kind of understanding from her responses. I didn’t understand your first post but as the thread went on I got more clarity.

Thanks for sharing. I have had a fairly similar painful reaction to an old T's response to something I asked. When I subsequently tried to talk to her about it some weeks later I told her I thought it would be helpful if she shared her thought process with me. She didn't do so. It's helpful to me to hear that a good therapist does do that.

I've awoken with my normal head on.
I can see what happened yesterday for what it was. When you're "in it" normal life speed is put on hold. Everything is spinning in the couldren of the past.
I can breathe again.

I emailed T after this exchange. Something else Began going round and round in my head about as I was leaving that session. Her reply didn't feel helpful. Infact it felt part of it.
The last couple of days I've felt awful. Don't recognise my life at the moment, which tells me something is going on.
After ranting at T yesterday I emailed saying "this feels awful!"

She replied "
Yes, it is. It feels to me that we are reliving something, probably loads of things at the same time. We need to talk about it."

Im Busting to get to session now. Exploding with the need to Talk and sort this out. Knowing we will. Been here before. Got the T shirt.

It sounds like a helpful reply to me, what doesn't feel helpful about that? I like her use of the word 'we' in 'we are reliving something'. I also like her acknowledgement that it is awful. You've changed your name!

Originally Posted by Wild at heart

It sounds like a helpful reply to me, what doesn't feel helpful about that? I like her use of the word 'we' in 'we are reliving something'. I also like her acknowledgement that it is awful. You've changed your name!

No, no. It is a helpful reply. I liked the "we" too.