My therapist dumped me.

Thanks. Yes, she told me in the e-mail that she can´t help me anymore after she´d spoken to her supervisor. I don´t believe that´s the reason though, indirectly perhaps but I think she can´t handle my attachment which she herself was a creator of.


As you say, an abrupt ending should only be used if a client is abusive or threathening which has never been the case for me.


That she does this in an e-mail just shows she can´t handle therapy that well and that she needs more training. I think she should only work in the field of coaching and personal development, not issues that go deeper.


But to me though, this is another traumatic event.

Thanks. Yes, sadly you´re right about that this has happened to way too many clients and will continue to do so.


I agree a therapist shouldn´t continue with a client if he/she doesn´t feel competent enough but then there should be some terminating sessions, not just one and the therapist shouldn´t continue therapy for many months and then suddenly say he/she isn´t the right fit.

Yes, if the therapist comes to the conclusion that she can't help with what she has come to believe are the underlying issues, the fact remains that there has come to be an interpersonal relationship between the T and the client. And the loss of that relationship has the potential to be difficult and emotionally disruptive to the client, in ways that the client may not be able to manage well without help. Which the client now does not have.

In this event, then, there should be sufficient termination sessions to help the client handle feelings that result from the loss, and to find additional resources or ideas to help them move forward. Though since your T works in a church and not a mental health clinic they may not see it that way.

So sorry, Sarah.

Wow. That seems monumentally irresponsible and just cruel. I'm so sorry. That is so hurtful. I am really angry on your behalf. I think her choices are appalling.

Nevertheless all the growth and change still belongs to you and cannot be taken away. Hurt and loss are inherent in love and trust, not proof that one should not love or trust. Pain is horrible but it eventually subsides.

Thanks. Yes, it is as you describe, I don´t think this therapist ever knew more specifically what she could or would help me with. She was careless in establishing a close bond to me for example by offering hugs without having the slightest idea how to handle attachment and dependency.

I don´t know her or their policy about termination, she gives me only one session as if I had been threatening or abusive. I don´t think they know that the termination process is as important as the rest of therapy.

Thanks. Yes, she also blamed her supervisor and that it was her who said my therapist and I should end therapy. This therapist has given therapies for several years so it´s not that she´s still in training.


I think there should be a lot stricter rules of conduct for therapists not allowing them to ignore the termination process or just leaving the client into nothing.

SarahSweden,
I am very sorry. Your therapist's actions were irresponsible and cruel.

This is appalling. If I was a therapist, I would be ashamed to be a part of this profession.

I am reading a book on terminations and impasse now that someone recommended on the forum. Its thesis is that the client gets triggered by a stress like a vacation, a therapist absence etc, and then bc something is going on in the t's outside life or unconscious mental state at that time, they retaliate. The initial wound the client experiences is compounded by a second wounding. Once that happens, the T , to avoid the conscious recognition she wounded the client, withdraws, disavows or otherwise pushes it all away.

Who knows if these things are really true, but that is the thesis.

Thanks. What´s the title of that book? It sounds to come in very handy for many people on this forum.


So it says that the T kind of seeks some kind of revenge when the client shows stress because of a therapist went on holiday or similar?


Is it meant the initial wound is by the therapist leaving and the second when the client shows stress or negative reactions and the T can´t handle that?


As there are books about this the problem is very real. I don´t mean it isn´t but many T:s never admit to their failure and what REALLY happened. In my case she suddenly decides she can´t help me anymore without having mentioned that ever before.

If therapists wrote this book one could think they know what they talk about and that the thesis has some bearing.

its up to the supervisor. if you reported her then it would be the supervisor who gets in trouble, not your T. everything your t does is the same as supervisor doing it. so its probably the supervisors issue more than your t, and shes just following directions. as long as she has a supervisor shes still an intern.

that is not necessarily true. my ex-T was in private practice and had been a therapist for 20 years when i started seeing him and he had regular supervision (every fortnight/ 2 weeks). it's good therapy practice to seek out regular supervision to help them work through the challenging moments and provide insight and different perpesctive. even though my T did have supervision, it was not the supervisor who was in control of my therapy. my ex-T on a few occasion told me he did not always agree with his super or carry out the advice his super provided him. also, i don't live in the states, so supervision may be different here in my country.

SS was your T working in a clinical setting or was she private?

also, i'm sorry that the way that you have been terminated by your T. stories like yours are all too familiar on this forum and the more stories i hear over the years, the more faith i lose in this 'healing' industry and realise that there are far many Ts out there with too much of their own sh#t to sort through who most likely should not be Ts in the first place. hugs to you

I feel so sorry for you. It seems really cold, impersonal to tell you in an email. She seems like a therapist one shouldn't trust. My experience with my psychiatrist dismissing me is that he didn't do himself. He made his secretary call me and tell me the news,. He couldn't even tell me himself. That was several years ago I'm seeing a good pdoc now.

Yeah, having a supervisor doesn't mean they're an intern. My T has 40 years of experience, and he supervises other therapists. He still has a supervisor.

Thanks. This therapist works within church and it´s not within mental health care. She works more like a private therapist that is.


I think that she mentioned her supervisor had said we should end therapy was mostly to take the blame off her self and let someone else be responsible for this abrupt decision. She isn´t an intern as somebody mentioned but has worked independently for several years.


As you say there are too many stories about therapists abandoning clients and I think they often can´t handle the attachment they themselves create by giving hugs, being very kind and caring and so on. When that strikes back and the client gets afraid they´ll leave them they rather abandon the client than take action and seek a solution.

the type of supervision youre talking about is usually considered more of a consultation with a colleague.


SEEKING supervision outside your agency of work is not the same as having an on site supervisor.

i could be wrong, but given that this person has been instructed to terminate, it sounds like she is unable to make the determination on her own. If her supervisor was someone she hired post licensure she could take the suggestion into account and follow it or not follow it as she chose- no mandate. having a supervisor and working under their license means you do as youre told until you have your own license.

Omg you are so much better off without this person. My personal opinion is that therapists should never hug. That is just asking for attachment or boundary problems, eg transference. It’s not that unusual to feel at a loss when they take a vacation, but add things to your schedule to get through that more easily. Add some fun things, or as a last resort organize your closets and cabinets while listening to music. Try not to complain about them taking a break or not calling you. Since you have attachment issues, try not to email or call back and forth with a therapist unless you have to,such as saying why you have to miss a session. Hugs!

I would also like to know the title of this book.

The book an is older one , and called Resolving Impasses in Theraputic Relationships by Sue Nathanson Elkind. It was very illuminating. Someone else on PC recommended it, so I ordered it.

"This volume deals with a fundamental issue that all clinicians face at some time or other: the therapeutic impasse. What should you do when sessions with a client seem hopelessly mired, or when the client feels that you have done something so egregious that therapy goes awry? How about an abrupt rupture: when you find the angry or hostile feelings directed toward you to be so intolerable that you decide to terminate?
Based on years of clinical and consultation work, Sue Nathanson Elkind presents a theoretical framework for understanding and working with the relational knots that occur between therapists and their patients. Asserting that such episodes are unavoidable pivotal events in therapeutic relationships, she provides a map of the wide range of predicaments that can arise, including:

* Mismatches between therapist and patient
* Stalemates resulting from patient-therapist collusion
* Irreconcilable conflicts or power struggles
* Breaches in the attachment bond
* Untimely terminations

Elkind demonstrates how patients and therapists function as relational partners. Without blame and with compassion for inevitable difficulties, she describes how impasses arise when these partnerships become rigid, operate outside of conscious awareness, or when the vulnerabilities and defenses of the patient and the therapist intersect in problematic ways. Her concepts of primary vulnerabilities and relational modes benefit both parties: Rather than automatically pathologizing the patient, they empower the patient and humanize the therapist by recognizing normal human limitations.

The final section of the book presents an in-depth discussion of a form of consultation for therapeutic impasses that may include both the patient and the therapist. Demonstrating how both may suffer when the therapeutic dyads function in isolation, Elkind advocates setting up a relational network through the presence of a consultant. Vignettes of actual consultations of this type for a wide range of problems illustrate how such consultations work, what functions they can serve, and what their limitations are.
Featuring stories that often are not told because of the feelings of shame and failure that arise for therapists and patients caught in therapeutic impasses, this book is compelling reading. It fills a gap in the literature by comprehensively addressing a common, but rarely discussed, aspect of the profession. As such, it is an important volume for both experienced and novice clinicians regardless of theoretical persuasion. Bringing theoretical issues to life through its clinical vignettes, it also serves as an excellent text for graduate and postgraduate courses in psychology, counseling, psychiatry, and psychiatric social work. "

Looks interesting. I just ordered it.

My therapist and I were stuck in a weird impasse for months last year. I can identify the exact moment it happened and the exact moment it ended. I have guesses as to the cause. But what you said about the therapist's avoidance of the conscious recognition that she wounded the client--that resonates with me. It seems to have been what happened with my therapist. We stumbled through it somehow.

I'm relieved that we got over it somehow although we did not consciously work through it. It would be nice to be able to understand what really happened and to put things in context.

Thanks. Yes, I agree as I was hesitant myself towards her giving me hugs even if it felt good in the moment. I´m not sure she sees the link between hugging and sitting close and creating an unhealthy bond. At least she doesn´t recognise me being too attached to her until I told her this about being afraid she´d leave me and then she does exactly that, abandons me.


I think one must be able to address attachment issues as they will always transpire somewhere. I agree one could be wary about not using e-mail or such but I think those issues will always show up somewhere some time.
My therapist doesn´t have knowledge enough to build a close bond to a client and then solving issues along the way. I think she believes that her being kind and caring is the path to heal a client which it isn´t.


The caring is just one part of therapy and knowing how to handle transference, dependency, attachment issues and so on is a much more crucial part. Even if one expects every therapist to care about the client the talk to.

Thanks. That´s a coincidence as I already had that book at home, I bought it a while ago when something happened with another therapist I believe. I think it talks about many important aspects of termination and also about how the therapist might feel. To me that can bring some consolation to know that the therapist, even if he or she doesn´t expresses it or shows it, can feel guilty or sad for ending the relationship.

Have you also had a bad termination?

how do you work out your attachment issues without working with the transference so that you can find a way through it? what youve said seems so odd to me...

I don't think you heal attachment trauma by working through transference (reenacting the attachment trauma) with a therapist anymore than you heal rape trauma by reexperiencing rape in order to "find a way through it".

Working through attachment trauma by blindly reenacting attachment trauma is just... trauma.

No, I am on 2/12 years of therapy with my first T. We did have a long impasse, and then I got freaked out bc he wrote about it on Reddit. Weirdly, reading that broke the impasse, bc it answered the question of if he had any skin in the game or investment on his side, while asking me to cough up lifelong secrets. Somehow we pulled through, but the book illuminated what maybe happened. We wiggled through. It is very scary how important these relationships are for the client, and how fragile they can suddenly become.

The recipe as the book presents it seems to be the T does something that devastates the patient inside the very private world of the dyad.

Like maybe the patient is in a car accident, and that same week the T raises his fee, seemingly oblivious to why that is insensitive timing. The client lashes out, but instead of exploring whyt, the T retalliates or withdraws or is dismissive, causing a second wound on top of the first.

Most often this is bc either the T also has personal life stressing or bc the T's needs are coming inexorably first in that moment. Like say in this example , the T has been ordered to pay higher child support by a judge. Right or wrong, the T is just not going to hear a protest from the client about paying more, bc in his mind HE has to pay more and is so worried about that, his usual empathy is temporarily "offline". The client has no idea what is going on with the T.

At this point the whole relationship is in grave jeopardy. There is a high risk the T is not going to face oh I injured my client and make amends. There is a high risk the T will terminate rather than face the client, or the client will terminate seeing now the T as suddenly dangerous or cruel.

SarahS, it makes me wonder what is going on in the private life of your T or what forces are coming to bear on the termination, as the book makes it clear is is never as simple as what the T says. Especially getting the news by email seems cowardly and evasive - and not at all like a centered mature therapist doing good work.

You should send her the book.

I am just so sorry this happened .

I read what I could, from the first chapter and the conclusion, on Amazon. But I'm thinking that if a therapist is going to use the intersubjective model they should explain to the client what that is about. And maybe give, or require they buy?, the book so that if/when impasses arise the client can do his/her part to resolving them, so they don't cost so much time and money on the client's end. Not sure that would help but if therapist and client are each their own center of subjective experience then there still needs to be a way for them to have some ground in common, from which to build more understanding, I would think.