My therapist dumped me.

PurpleBlur · Sep 16, 2018, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I don't think you heal attachment trauma by working through transference (reenacting the attachment trauma) with a therapist anymore than you heal rape trauma by reexperiencing rape in order to "find a way through it".

Working through attachment trauma by blindly reenacting attachment trauma is just... trauma.

you work it out by having a positive attachment experience to counteract the bad one...you internalize the positive introject of the therapist to combat the bad one of the original failure...

but to each his or her own. if you dont want to mess with the attachment failures that's your choice, but others choose to have reparative experiences.

doing this in no way equates to being raped to work through a rape.

koru_kiwi · Sep 17, 2018, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

you work it out by having a positive attachment experience to counteract the bad one...you internalize the positive introject of the therapist to combat the bad one of the original failure...

but to each his or her own. if you dont want to mess with the attachment failures that's your choice, but others choose to have reparative experiences.

just wondering, has this method been successful for you in therapy??

personally, i was not able to have 'reparative experiences' of attachment issues until my transference issues with my ex-T had faded. until that point, therapy and the relationship with my T was frustratingly and painfully no more than re-enactments of my early childhood attachment traumas being played out over and over again. plus, in the end, it was not my ex-T who i experienced the reparative attachment experiences with, but actually with my husband who was my main support as i worked through my issues in therapy and who i was able to form a 'secure' attachment too.

SalingerEsme · Sep 17, 2018, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by here today

I read what I could, from the first chapter and the conclusion, on Amazon. But I'm thinking that if a therapist is going to use the intersubjective model they should explain to the client what that is about. And maybe give, or require they buy?, the book so that if/when impasses arise the client can do his/her part to resolving them, so they don't cost so much time and money on the client's end. Not sure that would help but if therapist and client are each their own center of subjective experience then there still needs to be a way for them to have some ground in common, from which to build more understanding, I would think.

That is such a good point. In my experience, there is a "secret society" aspect of therapy that stinks. My T likes to teach me or have me be introspective, but he would not want me knowing more/ as much as him about things like impasses. He would never give me the book. He told me to knock off all the reading, and let it trickle down from him. ( Heck, no. I still read and research).

SarahSweden · Sep 17, 2018, 04:01 PM

Thanks. So good you could solve your impasse with your T, I think those things strengthen the alliance.

It´s very spot on what you wrote about it not being as simple as the T says. In my case there are two main reasons as I see it. One: she can´t handle my attachment nor my disappointment with her even if that was some minor things. Two: she might have been partly hindered to continue seeing me as they normally don´t give longer therapies within the church where she works.

It´s though still not worked out as I haven´t seen her yet for our last session. She first said she would embrace my reflections and she gave me a new appointment time. A few days later when she had talked to her supervisor she says she had told her to end therapy with me.

So there´s something not outspoken here.

Perhaps my therapist thought she could notify me through e-mail because I had e-mailed her about me being afraid she would leave me and some other things. Or it was just convenient for her.

I´ve looked for rules or regulations when it comes to ending therapies but I don´t think there are any, just vague recommendations.

My T also works as an alternative therapist and they might not think the same way as a CBT or a psychodynamic T with a more comprehensive education.

I really try to think it's all on her to distance myself from the whole thing a bit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

No, I am on 2/12 years of therapy with my first T. We did have a long impasse, and then I got freaked out bc he wrote about it on Reddit. Weirdly, reading that broke the impasse, bc it answered the question of if he had any skin in the game or investment on his side, while asking me to cough up lifelong secrets. Somehow we pulled through, but the book illuminated what maybe happened. We wiggled through. It is very scary how important these relationships are for the client, and how fragile they can suddenly become.

The recipe as the book presents it seems to be the T does something that devastates the patient inside the very private world of the dyad.

Like maybe the patient is in a car accident, and that same week the T raises his fee, seemingly oblivious to why that is insensitive timing. The client lashes out, but instead of exploring whyt, the T retalliates or withdraws or is dismissive, causing a second wound on top of the first.

Most often this is bc either the T also has personal life stressing or bc the T's needs are coming inexorably first in that moment. Like say in this example , the T has been ordered to pay higher child support by a judge. Right or wrong, the T is just not going to hear a protest from the client about paying more, bc in his mind HE has to pay more and is so worried about that, his usual empathy is temporarily "offline". The client has no idea what is going on with the T.

At this point the whole relationship is in grave jeopardy. There is a high risk the T is not going to face oh I injured my client and make amends. There is a high risk the T will terminate rather than face the client, or the client will terminate seeing now the T as suddenly dangerous or cruel.

SarahS, it makes me wonder what is going on in the private life of your T or what forces are coming to bear on the termination, as the book makes it clear is is never as simple as what the T says. Especially getting the news by email seems cowardly and evasive - and not at all like a centered mature therapist doing good work.

You should send her the book.

I am just so sorry this happened .

luvyrself · Sep 17, 2018, 05:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I don't think you heal attachment trauma by working through transference (reenacting the attachment trauma) with a therapist anymore than you heal rape trauma by reexperiencing rape in order to "find a way through it".

Working through attachment trauma by blindly reenacting attachment trauma is just... trauma.

—-great example. Thanks. Just like you don’t stay w an abusive alcoholic who says they have no intention to stop drinking. The client is not supposed to teach the therapist how to be a therapist, it’s the other way around. The therapist is supposed to lead by example and act appropriately, like not hugging.

luvyrself · Sep 17, 2018, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

you work it out by having a positive attachment experience to counteract the bad one...you internalize the positive introject of the therapist to combat the bad one of the original failure...
but to each his or her own. if you dont want to mess with the attachment failures that's your choice, but others choose to have reparative experiences.

doing this in no way equates to being raped to work through a rape.

—sure that was hyperbole, a disproportionate example, but the standard of care that this woman is providing is so below par. Sarah seems vulnerable, not in a place to benefit from some complex exercise to repair their relationship. It sounds as complex as couples therapy. I can see investing the time and effort if the therapist is otherwise one of the best, but I totally disagree that Sarah should stay, worry about having the perfect termination, whatever. Of course I agree that you can’t terminate every time you disagree w your t, but I don’t think it’s like that in this instance. The whole dynamic is wrong, and the woman is a bad amateur. Good luck Sarah. Great to meet you!

LabRat27 · Sep 17, 2018, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

you work it out by having a positive attachment experience to counteract the bad one...you internalize the positive introject of the therapist to combat the bad one of the original failure...

but to each his or her own. if you dont want to mess with the attachment failures that's your choice, but others choose to have reparative experiences.

doing this in no way equates to being raped to work through a rape.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I think it would make it impossible for me to ever trust another therapist to not do the same thing.
I think calling it a choice in that way isn't fair. It's not nearly as simple or straightforward as "choosing" whether or not to be retraumatized/deeply hurt or "choosing" how that affects you.
It's not a positive experience. It's another case of feeling abandoned and that everyone you allow yourself to care about will leave.

When my therapist suddenly terminated it was an incredibly painful experience that only made things worse. Despite him explaining exactly why he was doing it and me completely understanding that his intentions were good and that he wasn't trying to hurt/abandon me. He certainly could have handled it better, but at least I believed that he was trying to do what he felt was right for my best interests. And he left the door open, saying he'd want to work with me again after I DBT work with another therapist.
Emotionally it sure as hell didn't feel like that though. Things got really bad. I eventually ended up in an IOP, but I wasn't willing to even find a new outpatient therapist. I was never going to ever tell another therapist the things that I'd told him.
I'm actually working with that therapist again. It's a long story. I posted on here about it at the time. He found out I was in the IOP (saw me at my intake) and called me, so it didn't feel like I was begging to be taken back.
It's been months. He's acknowledged that he made a mistake in how he handled it and apologized. He's given me all the space I needed to be angry. And it's still not something I'm over, and I don't think I ever will be. It's definitely damaged our "therapeutic alliance." It's made things harder. And that's even with the chance to work through it with him, instead of never getting closure and never opening up to another therapist again.

velcro003 · Sep 17, 2018, 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

That is such a good point. In my experience, there is a "secret society" aspect of therapy that stinks. My T likes to teach me or have me be introspective, but he would not want me knowing more/ as much as him about things like impasses. He would never give me the book. He told me to knock off all the reading, and let it trickle down from him. ( Heck, no. I still read and research).

That's sad. My T encourages me to read and research on my own, and is very transparent. IT seems this is the minority.

Amyjay · 11:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PurpleBlur

you work it out by having a positive attachment experience to counteract the bad one...you internalize the positive introject of the therapist to combat the bad one of the original failure...

but to each his or her own. if you dont want to mess with the attachment failures that's your choice, but others choose to have reparative experiences.

doing this in no way equates to being raped to work through a rape.

If only it could work the way you believe it to work...

RaineD · Sep 17, 2018, 11:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

That is such a good point. In my experience, there is a "secret society" aspect of therapy that stinks. My T likes to teach me or have me be introspective, but he would not want me knowing more/ as much as him about things like impasses. He would never give me the book. He told me to knock off all the reading, and let it trickle down from him. ( Heck, no. I still read and research).

Maybe he feels insecure about his position of power when you read and learn about theory. I like to read and learn too. Most of my reading has just caused me to rebel against my T and argue with him about theory. But he likes that I'm intellectually curious, and now, since we're talking about termination, one of the options he gave me for moving forward is just to read a bunch of books. I'm touched (and honestly a bit surprised) that he thinks I'm sane enough such that I can proceed without further therapy and just read self-help books, lol.

LonesomeTonight · Sep 18, 2018, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RaineD

Maybe he feels insecure about his position of power when you read and learn about theory. I like to read and learn too. Most of my reading has just caused me to rebel against my T and argue with him about theory. But he likes that I'm intellectually curious, and now, since we're talking about termination, one of the options he gave me for moving forward is just to read a bunch of books. I'm touched (and honestly a bit surprised) that he thinks I'm sane enough such that I can proceed without further therapy and just read self-help books, lol.

Yeah, my T has commented before that I seem to know more about some aspects of therapy than he does. And seems maybe a little threatened by that? He hasn't discouraged me from reading about it though and in fact has recommended some books to me.

stopdog · Sep 18, 2018, 09:09 AM

Therapy is clearly not rocket science or brain surgery. It may be woowoo snake oil faith healing, but it does not require a lot of intelligence from the practitioner. Why those guys would think they could keep clients from reading or learning about it is beyond me.

LabRat27 · Sep 18, 2018, 09:35 AM

I can kind of get it. I know some people will read about some of the topics in my field(s) that I'm an expert in but not have enough broad background knowledge to be able to draw correct conclusions, and it can be frustrating because to actually explain to them why their seemingly logical conclusion is incorrect takes a lot of time and background info. It's not that I don't want people to be informed and to question things, but it can get frustrating and eventually I just want to respond "because I have a degree in this and you're wrong." The reason we have experts is so that we don't have to have expertise in everything. At least that's what I tell myself when I'm trying to convince myself to do what my therapist suggests instead of trying to completely control my therapy and do everything my way.

Blind faith is dangerous too though, and I think a therapist that's unwilling to answer any questions or expects you to operate on blind faith and not read anything else is a therapist you should run far far away from.

MoxieDoxie · Sep 18, 2018, 11:51 AM

I learned that reading and trying to understand my issues and even if I do understand it on a intellectual level it does not bring about change or healing. I can read about how to do EMDR, CBT or any other modality but when I try to administer it to myself it does not work.

coolibrarian · Sep 18, 2018, 02:27 PM

Because so many questions were left unanswered, in my childhood, the only way I could learn anything was to read. Fortunately, in my home we always had a lot of books, and library trips were encouraged.
This has persisted in my adulthood, that I tend to read first and ask questions later. My T has often expressed that I ask her first and then, maybe, read later.

Sep 19, 2018, 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolibrarian

Because so many questions were left unanswered, in my childhood, the only way I could learn anything was to read. Fortunately, in my home we always had a lot of books, and library trips were encouraged.
This has persisted in my adulthood, that I tend to read first and ask questions later. My T has often expressed that I ask her first and then, maybe, read later.

This hit home.

I have been reading psychology books since I was 8. I did this as a way to (attempt to) control my environment around me, having a traumatic childhood.

It's my experience that a lay person can sometimes apply knowledge better than a professional in the field. And passing a program doesn't necessarily mean someone is good at exercising judgment, applying knowledge, decision making, risk management, etc. I think therapy is a whole different realm, as the therapist's personality traits or character impacts the work in ways unlike other fields of work.

Someone I was close to was a consultant in a STEM field and traveled the country for his career, teaching others his SME for high profile projects. He had no college degree or formal training--he was all self-taught.

I personally think experience is more important than education and would hope an experienced therapist wouldn't make so many mistakes but realize that is often not the case. What happened to Sarah may be an example.

mcl6136 · Sep 19, 2018, 10:46 AM

* Mismatches between therapist and patient
* Stalemates resulting from patient-therapist collusion
* Irreconcilable conflicts or power struggles
* Breaches in the attachment bond
* Untimely terminations

gosh, someone read my diary and did a nice synopsis of my therapeutic journeys of the last 15 years.

Sorry for hijacking this thread ..I'll go now.

nicoleflynn · Sep 19, 2018, 10:53 AM

A therapist can lose their license over dumping a client without any warning....and to do it over e-mail? Tacky and irresponsible. If a t thinks they cannot help you or work with you, they need to give you a week or two notice, and discuss it with you and refer you to someone else. That was unethical and unprofessional....and cruel....abandonment.

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