Staying in contact

SlumberKitty · Oct 02, 2018, 01:55 PM

Has anyone had the experience of staying in contact with a former therapist--not in a "lets be friends way" but in a "here's how I'm doing way"? I had a T for 10 years that got sick with MS and had to quit being my T.

She told me I could still email her (as I was used to emailing her every week between sessions) and after a while (undefined) I could call her. I arbitrarily made myself wait a month before emailing, which is coming up in a few days. I've tried really hard to sort of "move on" from the relationship in this month and have tried to really let myself feel the grief of missing her and missing her in my life and there are times when I still cry. As the arbitrary month gets closer to an end and I think about letting myself email her, I am beginning to question myself as to whether or not this is a good idea. I had a good relationship with this T and I have grieved and grieved her loss. I want to be in contact with her because I'm used to being in contact with her and I want her to still be a part of my life. But I also don't want to experience more pain or hurt from being in contact. The relationship has changed, I just don't know how specifically it's changed. Opinions are welcome and if anyone has been in this situation I would be interested to know how it worked out. Thanks Kit.

ElectricManatee · Oct 02, 2018, 02:03 PM

I was in contact with my former T for about ten years. We had a really good, helpful therapeutic relationship and only ended therapy because I graduated and moved away. I usually sent periodic updates about my life and how I was doing. She would reply with encouraging things and sometimes little snippets from her own life (about pets and mundane mutual interests, mostly). I was grateful that goodbye didn't really have to be totally final, and I found that I had less of an urge to contact her as time went on. I would still be in occasional contact with her if she hadn't passed away. It always felt good to share important life milestones with her because she is the reason I'm still alive.

feralkittymom · Oct 02, 2018, 02:23 PM

I've been in contact for many years. What I hear you saying is that you still feel a need to be in contact and you are experiencing a lot of strong emotions related to her. I would advise you to wait because the relationship has changed and negotiating the new emotional boundaries is a challenge under any circumstances. When you're still in the sway of strong emotions, it's an almost impossible task which increases the chances that you will be hurt. It doesn't mean she will do anything hurtful; but your need feels stronger than can be met under the circumstances.

A month is no time at all. There are good reasons the APA advises Ts to abstain from contact for 2 years, though there is no prohibition of casual contact. I just think you're setting yourself up for pain if you contact her while you still feel a need to contact her. And if she's a competent T, she will recognize that need and rightfully respond in a way that encourages distance--and that will feel hurtful to you.

SarahSweden · Oct 02, 2018, 05:19 PM

Hi Kit, I haven´t been in the exact same situation but I can still relate. One of the most important questions I had asked myself would be if I fully believed that my therapist wanted this contact with me. If I doubted that, I had probably tried to ask her.

I assume she doesn´t give any sessions at all anymore? If my T then had told me she is willing to e-mail me, that she´s fine doing that from home then I had asked her how often she thought it was acceptable. I think it´s better to ask those things straight out than having a lot of thoughts about it.

You could send the e-mail you´re now planning to write and at the end you ask her in a gentle manner how she feels about the e-mails in the future.

Even if my T isn´t sick but had to end abruptly I would really like some kind of e-mail or telephone contact in the future. But I don´t think that´ll happen and I don´t think I would ask her. But that´s a bit different from your situation as your T has given you some freedom around this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Has anyone had the experience of staying in contact with a former therapist--not in a "lets be friends way" but in a "here's how I'm doing way"? I had a T for 10 years that got sick with MS and had to quit being my T.

She told me I could still email her (as I was used to emailing her every week between sessions) and after a while (undefined) I could call her. I arbitrarily made myself wait a month before emailing, which is coming up in a few days. I've tried really hard to sort of "move on" from the relationship in this month and have tried to really let myself feel the grief of missing her and missing her in my life and there are times when I still cry. As the arbitrary month gets closer to an end and I think about letting myself email her, I am beginning to question myself as to whether or not this is a good idea. I had a good relationship with this T and I have grieved and grieved her loss. I want to be in contact with her because I'm used to being in contact with her and I want her to still be a part of my life. But I also don't want to experience more pain or hurt from being in contact. The relationship has changed, I just don't know how specifically it's changed. Opinions are welcome and if anyone has been in this situation I would be interested to know how it worked out. Thanks Kit.

SummerTime12 · Oct 03, 2018, 03:30 AM

I still occasionally text or call my previous T who I saw for about 2 years. We ended therapy 3 years ago when she moved out of state. Sort of like you though, I did make myself wait before I contacted her. I waited until the need to contact her didn’t feel so strong anymore, which for me was like 3-6 months I believe? The reason I did this was so that I wouldn’t call her wanting “therapy” and be disappointed since that’s not an option now. This situation works well for me; we get in touch usually every 6 months or so, sometimes longer.

Oct 03, 2018, 07:19 AM

I did with my second T for about a year after ending formal therapy sessions. It sometimes felt nice to report things, but I remained highly conflicted about it and, for me, it felt more like the remnants of my old emailing compulsion and I also always felt it was unfair if I did not pay him. It would have been better if he said explicitly to stop it. He responded to a lot of it initially but did less and less. For me, the whole email contact did not feel healthy: it was no longer therapy, I had no intention to become friends or anything, but it remained imbalanced just like therapy and so, for me, unnatural. I was actually happy that he did not reinforce the contact and relieved when I finally lost the motivation to write to him.

I know what I described above is an experience related to my issues and I can easily imagine staying in touch in constructive, healthy way if it was a good, helpful therapy. I know that I would still feel conflicted doing it for free with a professional that I paid for their services before.

SlumberKitty · Oct 03, 2018, 11:24 AM

Thanks for the replies everyone. You gave me a lot to think about. I will think more about how to proceed and maybe give myself some more time without contact so that the wanting to dissolves. It's hard losing someone who means so much to me, but it has taught me a lot about healthy grieving.

SlumberKitty · Oct 05, 2018, 02:34 PM

I should have listened more to you guys about waiting more time before contact. I sent an email that was thought out and I thought I could handle any reply or even no reply. But when I got no reply--and she would have responded by now if she was going to--I was hurt at first, and then I felt nothing, and now I have these feelings of being un-cared for and unloveable. I don't think it is former's T's job to help me feel cared about or loveable, I just think the lack of response touched upon old wounds of non-responsiveness on the part of my parents and thus I have the childhood feelings of being un-cared about and unloveable. So now besides just missing former T, I'm having to deal with these other feelings plus feelings of wanting to SH, so I just complicated my life. It's amazing what missing someone can lead one to do. A perfectly logical adult becomes a perfect mess.