Questions...feelings from the therapist

Would you want your female therapist to have maternal feelings for you, or would this completely freak you out?

Or would you want your male therapist to have paternal, or protective feelings towards you?

Would you want a therapy where there was any sexual chemistry between the two of you?

Could you work with a therapist who didn’t like you? Or who was indifferent (would it even be professional for a therapist to work with someone they felt indifferent towards..especially if they expressed this..)

How has this worked out? Or not? Including for those who haven’t found therapy to be what they had hoped for.

Yes I know, a lot of questions. Feel free to answer one or more.

Male therapist, HE is protective of me and I love it.

There is some sexual tension, not sure chemistry as we haven't had sex LOL..... but the tension is fun, although frustrating at times

I could not work with a therapist I believed didn't like me

No no no no no.

I’m not sure how I’d answer these now..

Probably no to all of them. Certainly NO to the “indifferent” ... therapist.

Had a therapist with really strong maternal feelings for me. It was not a good thing for me. I felt the need to shield her from my pain and didn't want to let her down by revealing things that I'm ashamed of.
These days I have a strong preference for male therapists.
I want my current T to have protective paternal feelings towards me. And I think it would be a good thing to a certain extent, but not to the degree that I want. It would be way too emotionally messy and it would result in me being focused on getting those emotional reactions instead of trying to get better.

I don't care if they have sexual feelings as long as it's not affecting therapy and I don't know about them. If the sexual feelings were intense or distracting them that would probably be a problem.
It would bother me if I knew my T thought I was unattractive.
Any feelings of sexual "chemistry" would make it much more difficult for me to share the things I feel ashamed of. I'd worry that I'd do or say something that would make them no longer feel that way, and then I'd feel worse about myself.
And I'd question their motives and whether that was why they cared

I don't think I could work with a T who didn't like or care about me. I need to know they care about me to feel safe. But they can't care to the extent that a loved one would, because then they wouldn't be able to handle being my therapist and it would get in the way.

I'm pretty sure my T has had all these feelings for me - maternal, paternal, sexual. I'm sure he has also hated me and admired me and whatever else he might have had.

It all has been part and parcel of our work.

I haven't started to explore my sexuality on therapy yet. I'm hoping to get there soon. I would expect sexual chemistry to emerge at this point but this remains yet to be seen.

My T said pretty early on that he had some sorts of paternal feelings towards me. It was never mentioned again and he at least seems to have it under control, so it doesn't bother me. I feel cared for and in some way loved, that's all that is important to me really. Whether my T actually feels that way doesn't matter too much to me (as long as I don't know and can live in the fantasy that he really cares).
I don't think I could work with a T who straight out didn't like me or was indifferent. I'm rather sensitive to those sorts of things. Of course sometimes there's anger and frustration and maybe on a certain day he doesn't look forward to meeting with me, but as long as he still does and overall likes me, that's fine as well. Just like in normal relationships.

I don’t know why that person wanted to be my therapist. I will never be sure. I wish I could say none of it ever mattered. I wish my empathy wasn’t disregarded and trampled on. But it’s seen as a weakness in these days I guess.. he had no empathy and was ? Strong ?and why he never expressed any genuine warmth for me I don’t know. It’s NOT MY fault ..

“Heaven shot back
You get the love that you allow
And everything is different now...

Without that

After a few failed therapies, I am done looking and hoping for parental love. One and probably both of my parents didn’t do their jobs and there is no going back. What felt to me like contrived ‘good enough’ parenting in therapy made me feel weak, small, and patronized.

What I value now is romantic love and the equal love shared between friends. Therapy can’t be either of those things so I am not interested.

I can relate..

I hope it’s ok to “steal” those words. (The watcher, judger etc) (if not let me know..i won’t take them outside pc) I don’t often find words that are new and resonate with me. I also felt small and patronised (at best) in therapy.

I’m fortunate to be married to a lovely bear and to have some good friends. I’m not sure if I’d ever be interested in trying to engage on any deep level (or at all) with a therapist, after their failure (and his expressed “disinterest” )

I don't mind if my T has parental or (mild) sexual feelings towards me as long as he manages them properly and doesn't bring them into therapy unless they are helpful to me somehow. Maybe the parental ones could be helpful, I don't see how sexual feelings would.

I would not work with a T who I knew disliked me. If I was in short term therapy, something like CBT, indifferent might be okay. But I'm doing long term talk therapy so for that I want the relationship to feel positive and supportive.

I'm a therapy newbie, but I purposefully selected a T that does not do psychoanalysis. I was worried about the whole transference thing, and decided I would probably not be as truthful as I need to be if I had this whole other issue of being afraid to disappoint someone that I felt close to. For me, I am better off with a T that calls me on my s**t. Whether or not they like me shouldn't matter. In fact, because I am a sucker for any kind soul that offers me a gesture of hope, I should really be doing therapy online, with a nameless, faceless other.

That said, I was fortunate (?) enough to get a damn good T that knows her stuff. The good news is that she has enough credibility with me that I believe her when she tells me I am not a total f**k up (TFU). The bad news, is that it feels so good to be told that I am not a TFU that now I find myself guarding what I disclose in therapy because I don't want her to discover my inner TFUiness.


I need BootCampTherapy, with an Atilla the Hun T, barking at me to drop and give 'em 20 every time I say something stupid. Hmmm....

Not to derail too much but I think the only thing that would really disappoint a good T is if you hide your inner TFUness, because they can't work on stuff they don't see.

I think so too... that a good T would only be disappointed in this..

T2 was disappointed, I didn’t deliberately hide anything, but I didn’t trust her.

It isn’t at all easy to trust a stranger with our inner TFUness..

I remember T1 did say something very early on which made me cry (unusual for me) but I’m not going to share it. But I felt it was from the therapists manual. And later on he told me all sorts of stuff, really unnecessary judgments. Grrr whatever.

Guarded yes.. I can understand why those professionals found me frustrating. I think it’s “normal” for survivors of abuse. They have to prove they are worth trusting.

And I’m not a narcissist .. however I would never employ a marginally intelligent therapist again. I’m no longer so naive.

Steal away! I’m happy to have contributed something that meant something to someone.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Some words ... for example labels.. are ...

My male therapist has talked about his paternal feelings towards me. I certainly like them. I feel protected and loved.

Occasionally there has been some sexual chemistry between us, certainly flirtation anyway and it's been named and discussed because it's part of the dynamic in the room.

I definitely couldn't work with a therapist who didn't like me or I didn't like. At this point I am unsure whether l could work with any other therapist. I have certainly struggled to find a supervisor I like and can work with.

Yes I like feeling protected and loved.

Sometimes it feels like there is a “spark” in the room but it may just be me. But sometimes I wonder. I find it complicating and painful and frustrating. We don’t exactly talk openly about it but we probably should.

Paternal feelings, yes. Sexual chemistry, no. I guess I don't care if they are sexually attracted to me, as long as they don't tell me about it or act on it.

Dislike, no. Indifference, no.

My (now dead) therapist had paternal feelings for me. He repeatedly told me that he cared about me and was fond of me. In the end, he told me he loved me as my father should have and my mother. It was very lovely, something I would cherish forever.

Maternal feelings, yes definitely. That’s unfortunately what I always want, even though it often ends with me getting hurt... and my last exT and I had a strong parent/child type bond. She even said several times “I’m old enough to be your mom.” I know she’s only 13 years older than me, though, so...meh...but I was also her youngest client by far. She definitely treated me like her kid, a lot. She even would say “just as I’d tell my kids, ....” a lot. It made me feel cared for. I liked it a lot until she left me because she got a promotion. We still email, though, sometimes. Our relationship is still special in its own ways...I call her Mufasa, she calls me Simba...(even though we’re both women lol).

As for paternal feelings...no...never. I don’t do male therapists, and the two times I tried, it didn’t last long and I didn’t connect to them at all. Makes sense. I grew up without a dad, so it makes sense in that aspect.

Sexual chemistry or tension? I’d absolutely hate hate hate that. I would run away so fast. I always look at my therapist as more of a mother figure and definitely not as a sexual being at all.

Indifferent or disliked me? I couldn’t deal with that. At all. I had one therapist like that. It didn’t go well. She was also super, super harsh and mean. And there was so much misconduct. Never again.

Thanks for sharing

If you had asked me six months ago I would have said NO way in hell...nor eould I have said I had similar feelings. After her death, I realize we made a very strong maternal tranferance

I would like to work with a therapist who respects and cares about me. Something like a friend/mentor who can guide me and support me because they have more knowledge in that field and can give outside perspective. I don't mind mild maternal/paternal feelings as I think those can sometimes be natural protective feelings towards those we care about, but I don't want it to feel like someone is a parent and on a different level than me if that makes sense. I worry that would make me feel I needed to please them or listen to them or something, but I really want to grow into myself and not feel that I need someone else's approval. 5-10 years ago I might have given a different response and preferred the maternal thing more, but I feel like I am at a different place at the moment.

I'm female and my T is female. I don't want her having any feelings about me besides simply caring. I don't want her to have sexual thoughts about me, nor feel maternal towards me. Because of my attachment and fears, I need her to remain strong and stable for me. I need clear boundaries and expectations. She needs to be my T; not my lover, mother, sister, friend, etc.!