[MRT6211]

I don’t know what happened today, but I just got really upset and angry after session. Nothing in particular happened, really...I just...I felt awful afterwards. Like I didn’t get what I needed again. I think I went in there after a bad week, mood and behavior-wise, and I expected her to be mad at me or lecture me. Instead, she spent a large portion of the session telling me that I’m not as worthless and awful as I think I am, and she kept saying nice things about me. I don’t believe any of them, though, really. I feel like she’s just trying to make me feel better. I felt uncomfortable in session and I shut down entirely, but I didn’t feel upset until it was time to leave. I left, went out to my car, and cried. I am so frustrated with myself. I can never let this T see any emotion. I feel the simultaneous need to feel closer to her and to push her away. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m distressed. And T is only in the office 2 days this week, instead of her usual 3. I just wish I could tell her what I need. I can’t even figure out exactly what that is though...

[ScarletPimpernel]

Maybe one of the things you don't need are compliments. My T doesn't give any to me personally. She has me try to prove or disprove things about myself, but she doesn't give her own opinion. If I say "I'm a whale", she'll make me say it out loud process how it makes me feel, and then prove or disprove it. Usually, my perception of myself is wrong, and this exercise helps me make my own decision about myself.

ETA: To find out what you need, you can talk to your T and try different things. It might take a few weeks to figure it out. And of course it can't cross yours or your T's boundaries. Maybe you need a hug? Need to cry? Just listen to you without any judgment? Empathy?

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Maybe one of the things you don't need are compliments. My T doesn't give any to me personally. She has me try to prove or disprove things about myself, but she doesn't give her own opinion. If I say "I'm a whale", she'll make me say it out loud process how it makes me feel, and then prove or disprove it. Usually, my perception of myself is wrong, and this exercise helps me make my own decision about myself.

That does seem helpful. I wonder if I’d turn that into an exercise of just bashing myself and justifying it, though. She said it seemed like I was just going down the list of cognitive distortions today during our session, primarily with discounting the positives and then magnifying the negativives. It’s like she was pointing to examples in my life of how people like me and I was finding a way to discount her. I didn’t mean to be difficult, I just was saying how I actually felt. She acknowledged that she knew that she was making me uncomfortable.
I feel like I’m just failing therapy at this point. T is trying and I’m just not doing well, anyway.

[SheHulk07]

I had a similar experience on Monday in my session. I shut down and even told my T that I had already checked out for the day. There was something on my mind that I wanted to talk about but couldn't find the words to express it. I left and cried as soon as I got In the car because I was frustrated with myself. It's something I plan on talking to my T about tomorrow and see what we can figure out about it.

[ArtleyWilkins]

One way my therapist was able to help me get through those blocks was to get me to just verbalize how difficult it was to verbalize what was going on.

I know that seems silly maybe, but it worked for me.

It is sort of the same concept of how to get through writer's block. To get through writer's block, one technique is to just start with "I have no idea what to write about. I have nothing on my mind." Blah, blah, blah. Funny enough, as you write about not knowing what to write about, you start writing about something, and slowly your thoughts start organizing and you find some clarity.

My therapist found that if he could just get me to talk about not knowing what to talk about or not knowing how to talk about whatever, eventually I starting getting the words out and my thoughts became clearer.

It takes having a therapist who knows how to get that ball rolling though if you can't do that on your own.

[MRT6211]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

One way my therapist was able to help me get through those blocks was to get me to just verbalize how difficult it was to verbalize what was going on.

I know that seems silly maybe, but it worked for me.

It is sort of the same concept of how to get through writer's block. To get through writer's block, one technique is to just start with "I have no idea what to write about. I have nothing on my mind." Blah, blah, blah. Funny enough, as you write about not knowing what to write about, you start writing about something, and slowly your thoughts start organizing and you find some clarity.

My therapist found that if he could just get me to talk about not knowing what to talk about or not knowing how to talk about whatever, eventually I starting getting the words out and my thoughts became clearer.

It takes having a therapist who knows how to get that ball rolling though if you can't do that on your own.

I write journals that she reads, and I was having trouble today figuring out what to write, so maybe I’ll try that. If I can write about it, hopefully we can talk about it. I worry that I am frustrating her as much as I am frustrating myself, right now.
Today for the first half of session, before she started complimenting me err whatever you want to call it, she and I were just shooting the sh** about basically nothing for awhile. I wonder if that was her giving up on helping me or if that was her trying to connect with me or something. It felt odd.