Does anyone else live in fear that their T is going to fire them?

same here...and when i no longer had the fear of abandonment, i was able to work (grow) towards a healthy and proper termination from therapy and my T who i was for many years strongly (unhealthily) attached too.

It's come and gone over the couple of years, just When I think I got a handle on it and trust she not leaving, it starts all over again.

I'm intrigued by this. I have never thought about a T not trusting a client in that kind of parallel way. What does he mean by that?

His issue with trusting me is because back in April I tried to take my life. I was in hospital for a week.

I had been in his office earlier that very day and gave absolutely no indication that anything was wrong or that I had even been considering suicide. I told him everything was good. So now when I say everything is fine, he doesn't trust that I'm being honest with him, which is fair enough. He doesn't work with suicidal clients, but he did give me a second chance, so we are still working together although sometimes it feels like I'm just hanging on by a thread with him.

I've been with my T for four and a half years and was always afraid she'd refer me, let me go, something. She assured me we had a lot of time yet. Well, she told me in August that she is retiring from clinical practice at the end of the year. It has sent me into a tailspin.