[coolibrarian]

What do you do when you have the ache of transference, when you're not with your T, and the connection feels weaker? Googling her is not helping.

[SalingerEsme]

It's such a painful state. Sometimes, I end up angry about it; other times, I read psychology books to try and master it intellectually. I try to focus on SO or friends intensively or even go to bed super early with Ambien ( bad!).

[NP_Complete]

Do you have anything your T has written to you, a supportive email or letter, that you can go back and read again?

[Amyjay]

You acknowledge to yourself that you are in pain, you are hurting, and you be very gentle and compassionate in taking care of yourself.
You are hurting. This emotional pain is very present and very real.
How do you take care of someone who is hurting? Make them a cup of tea, comfort them, be with them, speak softly and compassionately with them, don't push them beyond their limits of coping, help them feel safe and calm.
What things comfort you? For me it is hot coffee, warm scents, soft blankets, gentle music, things like that. What comforts you? Allow yourself to have it feel it sit with it.
You are hurting. Nurture you. Take care of you. Your pain is real.

[imnotbroken]

I feel you, coolibrarian.

Right now I'm just trying to cope til Tuesday. When it gets too painful, I listen to her voice recording.

[Rive1976]

I just have a urge to email her just to hear from her. Sometimes I Google her too. Not much help. Just know you aren't alone.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

I write to T. I don't send them, but I write as though I will. I write about the pain and the anger and the hurt and alllllll the feelings, then we talk about them when T gets back. Transference sucks.

I use to feel the pain and journey. It was like screaming at the moon.
Its not like that now. There is no pain. No ache. Infact I barely think about her between sessions now whrn in the past the days between were unbearable.

[winterblues17]

I used to email in those moments as a way to try and keep the fading connection.
Now I probably just sit with it and let it fade until next time, it hurts at times, I will feel sad/angry and just try to sit with them and see if the connection comes back when I see her next.
I also try to read like others have said and try to find the reasoning of these feelings through self help style books, and write to her! Either that or I block it all out, pretend it don't exist and busy myself with other things such as tv etc

[Anne2.0]

There's a theory amongst the Buddhist types, best articulated by Pema Chodron, where "chasing" after a feeling pretty much guarantees you will not reach it. That if you allow the feeling to just be where it is, accepting it will come and go without much personal ability to change that, it will appear more regularly.

In my experience, there isn't a lot wrong with this. Implementing it is never consistent, as the idea itself would suggest. Noticing that my connection to anyone can feel stronger or weaker at any time is often a good first step. But for me, trying to "fix" a sense of fading connection like a meal satisfies hunger has not worked.

[Favorite Jeans]

Sitting with pain and grief are important and good approaches.

For me it has also been important to get out with friends. Some of that is a distraction effect, I won’t be feeling the loss of one thing if I’m out enjoying another. But some of it is actually addressing the underlying problem which is loneliness and feeling “not known.” It is as thought somehow my pain sets me apart, makes me not friend material and that therefore only this one person (my T) can ever give me a sense of connection? (It took until around year 5 of therapy to get to the regular going out with friends stage, so I didn’t, you know, “just do it.”)

To be sure, while I do talk about lots of painful stuff and real stuff with my friends, I definitely don’t do it in the same way that I would in therapy and there are things I only talk about in therapy. Still, it has made a big difference in the “ache of transference” times, the sense of unmet longing for connection.

In my life, that transference probably came about because my T is this huge magnet for unmet needs from a long way back. The ache isn’t actually about HER as such anyway. I mean, that’s the nature of transference, right? She has met some of those unmet needs for me and has helped me understand what they are, and now... I kind of have to start to displace those needs that were displaced onto her and try to meet them elsewhere.

(And, yeah, continue to feel the pain and grieve that I don’t and won’t have a mom and stuff.)

[Seelenna1982]

Keep busy! Write about what you’re experiencing and talk to your T, that’s why they are there!

I emailed them.

[nottrustin]

With T I would usually email her or look at her Fb photo, garden (she taught me a lot about gardening), re read emails etc. Now those very things make me miss her more.

with Emdr T I have googled her a bit, written emails I never send, and when I have been really struggling I texted her, that's about it. A couple of times she has responded to my texts. Those have helped. Otherwise, it all makes things worse. So I get angry with the situation and decide I hate therapy.

[SlumberKitty]

I would listen to a past voicemail from my former T or read an old email from her. Or I would get distracted and get busy doing something else. Kit.

[coolibrarian]

I looked at my T's Facebook page. She colored her hair, differently than it has been, before. I'm not sure if I like it this way, but, hey, something else I have no control over.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed (at work), almost but not quite to the point of taking some Ativan.

[Fuzzybear]

Email maybe ..