Is your T willing to say "I care about you"?

In R's exact words "I care you about you S, I really do" and he's said it to me other times.

But even though he said that I didn't believe him until he showed me that he did. When he gave me a full session and let me email him whilst he was away on holiday I knew that he did.

C once said he "like[d] working with me". What he didn't anticipate was that it really pissed me off. My defensive, fight parts were triggered by it. I reminded him that I wasn't there for his benefit, that it wasn't about him, that my worth shouldn't be based on whether he likes working with me or not.

None of my T's (3 longterm-ish ones) have ever said those exact words or any version of "I care." I think I would be a little WTF if they did, because I cannot imagine a situation where it would have made sense for them to do it. With current T, I think if I asked him about this, would want to know what the answer would mean to me.

But I don't think I ask because it is very clear to me that he cares about me. I don't doubt that people in my real life care about me too. I am often disappointed in the actions other people take, but that's about me, not about them. To me someone caring about me is not an if-then statement, as in, "if you care about me, then . . . . " But expectations and the disappointments generated from them seem worth examining.

Yes, he has said it several (many?) times. He has also said that he loves me and I have said that I love him. It feels just natural after all these hundreds of hours together.

I don't believe my T has said such a thing and I really do not want her to.

Her actions proves she cares. I definitely don't need to hear those specific words.

Thanks for all the replies. I think part of what's hard for me is that ex-MC was very open about the caring. Like he's said on multiple occasions "I care about you." And once when I said "I'm paying you to care," he replied, "You can pay me to do my job, but you can't pay me to care." As in, he chooses to care. But, as T has described him, ex-MC is "warm and fuzzy" (while T is not). Maybe I just need a warm and fuzzy T? Ex-T had a few...uh warm/fuzzy moments, but they didn't really come until I'd been seeing her for like 5 years. And she basically admitted she loved me. Trying to think if she specifically said "I care about you" but something similar.

One out of 4 T's have told me they care about me and that was the T that I worked with for 10 years and it wasn't for many years that she told me. But I knew. I knew without the words. The words were just bonus. Kit.

I honestly have no idea. I'm sure he's said something to that effect. I believe the sentence started with "I care" but I've no idea what the words after that were.

I think this is the sort of thing where it's important to take the speakers' intent at face value rather than parsing the exact words, teasing out nuances of speech that are incredibly individual, and generally analyzing the thing to a bloody pulp.

As someone who does over-analyze, I realize this is easier said than done!

I can imagine saying some version of "I care" to one of my needier students or friends and having it upset them because it wasn't the "right" version. I can imagine at first trying to reassure them that I care the right way and amount, and then eventually finding the whole thing very tedious and irritating. They'd pick up on that and need even more reassurance, which I would continue to find tedious, and - presto - vicious cycle. Possibly I'd begin to regret saying anything at all, since clearly a sentiment I thought was simple is anything but simple to the other person.

Not that that's a very sensible reaction - but my point is, I can see how what began as a statement of care would end in a rupture.

Good luck with everything, LT.

I don't know to be honest.
But I feel she does.

Yes this definitely happened with ex t 1. The more insecure I got the more annoyed she got and it ended badly. People dont always say exactly what you want, all you can do is Express your needs and if not met decide whether or not to move on. I think a break would be a good idea to have a think about your goals in therapy

Oh and current t never said she cares. Even though I think she does and she was probably offended when I said offhand that I knew she didnt care (not trying to manipulate her, it was part of a longer rant)

LT: yeah MC may have been warm and fuzzy-but look at what happened with all of that warm and fuzziness. He blurred the boundaries a LOT with you.

As for me-i don’t think my T has ever explicitly said those exact words to me, but i know she does from her consistency, her actions, and she has stated a few times that she is protective of all of her clients, and she is a person who feels greatly and deeply.

Yes, mine said it multiple times and spontaneously of his own initiative. It usually goes like this, “I care about you. I hope you know that. I wouldn’t show up on a Saturday morning if I didn’t care.” Or, “I care about you. You’ve seen me get angry with you.”

My T has not said this and I don't think he would. But I am certain based on his actions and other things he's said that he does care about me, and I don't need him to say it.

She says it and other similarly caring things. She also shows it in her actions, practice and body language. I can't hear or accept any of it and I think that makes us both sad, she has also appeared frustrated on occasion.

My T hasn't said it I don't think. Sometimes I don't hear things. But I think she does from her actions or I know she does but have trouble admitting it! But it's as a patient I reckon 'me' but still within the parameters of a patient - perhaps yr T is afraid you'll read such an open ended statement in the wrong way even subconsciously.

t has said I've been a "lovable pain in the ***" (referring to a particularly hard time in my therapy years ago) which spurred me to ask if he loves me. of course he wouldn't answer that saying it's a loaded and difficult word especially given my history but that he cares very much

would I want to hear t say he loves me? YES!! But... that wouldn't fix anything for me. I know that

No, my Ts have not said such a thing. So no clue. I pretty much took it for granted that they cared about their work at least some and I would likely find it a bit weird or irrelevant if they said "I care about you". I usually feel it is pretty obvious when people care and feel no reason to doubt it. And if they obviously don't care, it sounds disingenuous and unnecessary to say the opposite.

Last week he asked me if I’d taken anything that day - I was really depressed and spaced out.

Later that night I texted him and told him that when he asked me that question it made me feel very cared for.

His response was “good, you are”.

What a lovely response from your T. Made me smile.

Sometimes he drives me crazy but overall he’s a keeper

Mine has - in response to me asking if she cares whether I ever come in or not. She's also shown she cares, by going above and beyond her prescribed profession. In addition, she said if I killed myself, it would take her some time to work through it. I'd like to believe she means it, but it's hard when it's coming from someone who's getting paid to make you feel important and wanted.

So, after meeting with my T today, apparently he feels that saying "I care about you" takes it outside the therapeutic relationship. That it pushes it into friendship or romantic relationship territory. And he's trying to be really careful, because he thinks ex-MC saying "I care about you" is part of what made things get so complicated there, with boundaries blurred. He said explicitly that he's trying not to be like ex-MC. He also said he was willing to say (and was going to say yesterday) "I care about you as a client." But he wasn't sure how I would take that. And he was right to be concerned because I said I interpreted that as "As long as you're paying me, I'll care." But he said it wasn't about that, was more about what the therapeutic relationship is and isn't. So I...think I feel OK about all that? I certainly appreciate that he's trying to be careful and not repeat other T mistakes.

I think that's a good sign. ((hugs)) Kit.

My tells me “ I love you”