Couch 182: Spiced Gingerbread.

I have a dentist appt tomorrow & I have too little, can I have some of yours? Preferably before I go so I don't get crap from them.

Homework is done with minimal mom intrusion, breakfast for dinner is done and was delicious. Bacon was perfectly floppy and grits were suitably gloppy. I had a big lunch so I just had leftover broccoli flowers (my oldest named the roasted broccoli and cauliflower with cheese) and I even did the dishes. Now I can laze, right?

Absolutely, you earned it! Kit

Oh great, I wandered onto the Bath and Body Works website. Too much cute stuff...not enough paycheck. I really have to be done Christmas shopping! Kit.

I will trade you some tooth enamel for some healthier gums? That’s my dentist problem, gums.

My dentist is literally next door to my gym, so I lifted weights after. Some idiot hadn’t racked his weights after using the seated calf machine and I had to carry a couple 100-lb. disks back to their rack. It’s good to have too much muscle. 💪

Oh yeah, I have gum issues, too. Anyone have extra-healthy gums out there?

That's impressive.

Couch poll: Do you think it is possible to be “severely depressed,” but still able to go to work every day?

Absolutely! That's me everyday. Kit.

Of course, the work I do isn't terribly difficult, in fact sometimes its downright mind numbing...to think, I got a Master's for this, but I still have to pull myself out of bed every day to get to work. Kit.

My T kept trying to tell me that tonight, but i feel like unless i’m about to jump off a bridge, or can’t go to work, i am okay. i mean, i feel like shite all the time, but that’s normal for me. She says that the amount of self-hatred i have, and all the rage i turn inwards is evidence. Also that i self-harm and have disordered eating patterns.

I know how that feels. Every so often when I just can't drag myself out of bed that is a sign to me that I'm doing really bad, even for me, but mostly I just sleep all day on the weekend or sleep off and on during the day on the weekend. And sleep all night too. I also SH but I'm at like 28 days of not SH-ing. So that's pretty good for me. A med change really helped the SH urges though. But every day is a drag myself out of bed and get myself to work kind of day. It just isn't a choice, I have to work to support myself. Kit.

Velcro—Abraham Lincoln was suicidally depressed. Including while he was President. During the Civil War*. Very few people knew. When his law partner wrote his biography and revealed this, people refused to accept it. Because how could he have achieved what he did AND been suicidal?

My point is, maybe you should accept that you’re severely depressed. Maybe only then can you start finding a new normal where life isn’t shite.

*Or the War of Northern Aggression, to keep Couch Southerners happy.

A co-worker gave me two yams today. That was nice. I don't have any idea where he got them, because I know they weren't from around here. But he was walking around with a big bag of them handing them out like candy. The surprises of the holiday. It was a really weird day at work today though because the owner's wife died. (I only met her like once so I'm not really impacted by the loss) but there's this solemnness to the day today and people that have worked here a really long time are really sad. Lots of crying today from coworkers. Sort of surreal. Kit.

yeah i sleep most weekends away, and every morning i drag myself out out of bed--but who LIKES to get out of bed in the morning?
maybe. i don't know.

Definitely glad her long holiday is over. Looked at my notebook where she's written down brief sentences, looked at her photos on social media a lottt, listened to recordings a couple of times...

Would it hurt to try to accept it, though? Just for a while? Your IP stay required accepting that, didn’t it? And it seems to have helped you during and for some time after.

It’s a lot like accepting any other condition. Say a food allergy. You can go on eating the food you’re allergic to, or you can say, “hey, I’m allergic to Utz cheese curls and even though I love them and switching to Herr’s cheese curls is scary, I have to do it for myself if I don’t want to feel awful all the time.”

To answer your poll, yes you can. My therapist called mine severe and I tried to argue with him that it wasn't because I go to work most days, although I have to take an occasional mental health day. But he's right, it is severe. I don't even know why I was trying to deny it.

Your T seems to generally know what she's talking about, so I would probably defer to her judgment. She can probably be a little more objective about yourself than you can be right now, if you're even somewhat depressed.

For what it's worth, I do think you can be severely depressed and still function. Sometimes forcing yourself to do things you don't want to do (like go to work) is its own form of self-hatred/punishment.

if it was only so easy to switch cheese curls. i think part of it is, if i accept it for real, then i actually have to listen to her and go outside of my extremely small comfort zone for any change.
yeah, i agree with your T for you, not to mention all the PTSD and everything else you have to deal with. my life is quite tame and boring.
she says to me she knows what depression looks like, and if she could have her way in a perfect world, she'd have me in place IP for 6 months, because i need community and intensive therapy to get better. of course, that can never happen. i just got my $1900 bill for my IP the other day, and my credit cards are all maxed.

on a different note, my T was determined to end session on a lighter note, so she made me watch this. now i can't stop...



edit: it is a 10 sec funny cat video

How is it that I feel cripplingly lonely and at the same time am insanely irritated with anyone who tries to talk with me?

Also to respond to your poll Velcro, in my first semester of college, I was horribly depressed and . I also got a 4.0. And I was writing for the college newspaper. And regularly hanging out with friends there (who didn't know). We can get really good at faking it, at managing to function and hide it.

i think i am inured to it. i've felt this way for so long that it feels normal.

i also told her how i on a whim used a text crisis line on saturday night, but then chickened out and didn'ttalk to anyone, especially since i was fine, like always. she asked if it was the night that i did some SH, and i said yes...and she goes "that is a crisis." i think we define crisis differently. i was in no way hurting myself in any major way, so once again...fine.

Cooked shrimp for dinner tonight. Didn't realize they still had the shell on *sigh*

Oh no! This is an ancient Voodoo fertility charm! Double check your contraception.

;-)