Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Are you sure I'm not faking everything or overreacting or being melodramatic?
How can you be sure?

Dear T,
Of course I waited to bring up the therapeutic relationship stuff until we had like 10 minutes left...thanks for talking about it for closer to 20 minutes. I think you got it by the end--my puzzle analogy helped. At least it felt like you understood why the stuff about your son bothered me--and that's really what I needed.
Love,
LT

PS: I'm still wondering if you said what it sounded like you said when we were chatting about the Christmas car commercials. I'm sure I just misheard...

I'm so confused. I know I am a bit paranoid, with me feeling oppressed at work, and you said you would still be here if I took off from work. This is an old wound not of your making. In no way am I blaming you but I need to say how I feel. When I "feel" as if I am under assault at work, it is devastating to tell other people about how I feel and have nobody want me to escape that. I don't need to escape, I think I just need to feel validated. I need for people to realize that even though this may not be real, or as real to the extent I think it is, that how I feel is valid. And I need my need to be self-protective to be reinforced somehow. It is like an unsolvable problem. The thing is, I get so stressed out, that I end up taking off time and being late. I know, it's not good, but me having this is no walk in the park either. I'm living in some kind of hell and nobody knows. I don't know what has caused all of this, maybe me. Maybe not. I need you to help me with this because I desperately need to feel safe again. When I was asking if you would be willing to write a note if I needed, it felt like you didn't want to answer. The intellectual me understands, but the emotional part of me is desperate to escape this horror and "it feels" like nobody cares. I realize that this is me, but this is how I feel and I don't know how else to express it. I feel like nobody is ever going to understand. Please help me.

T-well today went in a direction i wasn't expecting. i sort of agree with you, though.

Dear ex-MC,
Maybe you aren't going to write back. OK.
LT

Did you contact hin?

Yeah, I sent him an email Sunday evening, some stuff about it being the anniversary of our big rupture, saying how it was still affecting me. Well, more than that, but it was the main point. He's responded to other emails I've sent him since termination in early April (maybe 5 emails total, one was just asking for referral, the others more personal). But not sure now if he'll reply to this one. Which is understandable. And I'm sure he wouldn't give me what I'm looking for (true apology, accepting responsibility) anyway.

I need a new therapist.

It would be really helpful to have an extra session this week and next since we won't have any during the week of Christmas and only 2 the week after. But I won't ask because I already feel too needy with how often I'm seeing you already.

T,

I am so ashamed that I long so badly for a substitute parent. I'm an adult, too old to be adopted. My own parents don't genuinely love me. No one will love me in the parental way I crave.

After that massive blow out with mom last night, and knowing you are out of my life in 2 days, I am insanely depressed. You have been such a source of laughs and happiness when I felt so terrible in my family, now I got nothing again. I know my family still hates me and now It feels like you do too. What is the point of my life? I seriously have no idea.

I hope u read that excerpt

cuz I be attacking u with my beta elements ALL DAY

Dear T,

Some random person online called me a terrible name last week and I haven't been functioning the same since. I know I should just blow it off but that's easier said than done. Help!

-Butterfly
(The person wasn't from Psych Central)

I'm happy but stupidly tired.

6 days till my exam, and I have to be at the hospital at 6.30am tomorrow.

p.s

Thank you for that little spike of anxiety, and the prompt resolution. Glad that we will meet tomorrow after all.

I don't know what to do with the fallout from that session when it inevitably hits, since I am no longer allowing myself to manage my emotions with alcohol.

That trigger that we've talked about came up again. Maybe I watched this video because I wanted to trigger myself. I already know full well that he's a trigger, especially if he's angry or arguing. It worked.
I felt shaken up, angry, and unsafe. I wanted to cry tears of frustration.
Everyone else is turning it into memes.
Do you know what a meme is?

I feel stupid every time I bring this trigger up. On some level it's validating though. He's been a trigger since long before I started seeing you, and I know I'm not making my reaction up.

Do you think it's a stupid trigger? Do you believe me that it's a trigger and I'm not just making it up or exaggerating?

I need you.

T why does it seem so difficult this time around? I know I use to question what you said but never said anything. Eventually it would make sense and I would realize you never meant what I initially thought. Except our last email exchange, where we never had the chance to clear it up. I realized I was doing this before your accident but it was to late and I was unable to see that week.... then your accident happened to days later. I am sorry for not trusting you.

I will not email.
I will not email.
I will not email.

Of course you know the books are from me, even if they don't have a note attached to them and I don't need to email to tell you so....

Dear T. I'm having a harder time not SH-ing. Not sure I'm gonna make it to the end of the year after all. Wish I had former T. I would have been able to get some support from her in between sessions. Kit

I can only depend on myself so it seems!!! What a load of BS, I was right all along

Dear T,
I'd intended to avoid a second session this week, but when I'm crying in public because a particular song comes on that I associate with ex-MC, I'm clearly not OK. So hope you have something available. Especially as my plans with my dad tomorrow fell through (which is part of why I switched around the schedule to begin with...). And I think I've gotten really good at scheduling emails that don't include any extraneous info.
Love,
LT

I still haven't emailed but I feel like you're going to feel disappointed with my gift this year. Last year I spent what I would have for my own father, this year I don't feel like I have to try so hard to be the best version of myself.