Intimacy in a theraputic relationship

Can a T force silence (especially prolonged silence) onto a client? Has that ever happened to anyone? I would find that really odd but who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Yet another thing I often did not like in my first T was his (to me) unnatural way of starting the sessions, including our very first session. I would walk in while he is standing, I say hi, he says hi. I quickly take my seat on the couch, put my coat and purse next to me (if I had those with me), ready to start. He would usually be much slower, walking to his chair pretty slowly and not sitting down for a while (seconds, max ~a minute), just staring at me. It made me so uncomfortable at times that I would say "please take a seat" or just start talking while he is still standing silently. Since he was my first T ever, I thought it was perhaps some odd standard T behavior or at least for psychoanalysts, so I did not bother too much. But I interviewed other Ts, including analysts, and they did not do the same. Some would not say a word before I did but that standing up and staring... I am still not sure what that was supposed to mean. When I commented on it once, he started asking why he should sit, does it bother me - I don't recall what I said but I thought those questions were weird and stupid and, I think, I started another topic. Definitely not a good way to create an air of intimacy for me, especially at start. My second T was very good at both starting and wrapping up sessions (whether he had the first/last word or I did), it always felt symbiotic and natural, not repetitive, much like any normal meeting between two people.

I think usually the more natural someone's behavior feels to me the more intimate. I don't mean friend-type natural for a T but naturally flowing movements, gestures, conversation, even short silences. I think what feels natural to a particular person can be very subjective and vary a lot. Someone not engaging in conversation (back and forth) is typically an intimacy breaker for me - this is something I actually told my first T and then he became and remained much more interactive, which was much better. I would never imagine that someone (T or not) remaining silent in a meeting with me for extended periods is trying to elicit intimacy but I've read some therapy clients perceive it that way and like it.

That certainly is a diversion from my part in this topic but although I've read about it here a lot, I'm still always quite surprised that people don't ask their therapists questions about things that look strange to them.

Maybe there is something different about me but I always ask lots of questions from my T. If he would do anything strange then I would most definitely ask why does he do that and what does he expect to accomplish with it. I guess it is my way of developing trust that is a prerequisite of enabling intimacy (to draw some connection with the current topic).

I assume that there is a reason for everything and if something feels strange to me (a gesture, a behaviour, something the T said, some reaction, whatever) then I want to know what was behind it and I ask these questions all the time. I guess it is very hard for me to trust deeply anyone in general.

Anyway, in many of my sessions the T is basically doing nothing else than explaining what he meant when he said X or Y or why his tone of voice changed or why some thing is in a different position than it was previously etc. So far my T has had explanations that have made sense to me - if they wouldn't, I doubt I could keep going on to see him as a T. After an almost a whole session of this kind of questioning and explanations I often in the very last segment of the session find myself secure and comfortable enough to bring myself into the session, to reveal something about myself, to let myself be freely with him.

For me, I usually think it is part of decent social and acceptance skills to not question someone about everything I might question in my mind. As I said, when I started with that T, I was inexperienced. I might definitely question them more on their behavior and whatever happens between us, but I would still appreciate diversity and would not expect them to please me or satisfy me with perfect answers at all times. It is not out of some fear of hurting their feelings in any way, more out of a subjective, personal inspiration to "hook up" with someone I feel level and productive during this period. Part of why psychoanalysis is not my best option for me now - I am kinda over dissecting every single motive and interaction, assigning meaning to all of that, even in therapy. I personally prefer functional, directly productive collaborations at this point and when I feel I can have that with someone, it feels more intimate - in a sense of having a personally relatable purpose here and now. We have similar values and goals now.

Sorry, is that an indication of how you expect me to respond (since you were quoting me)? If so I'm very curious as to why you might expect that kind of response from me.

Yes, he has said so. Those moments are very profound and deep for both of us I think.

I had a therapist who didn't say much and spent most of the time staring at me in silence. This was the most ineffective form of therapy I have ever experienced. I think I stopped seeing her after two sessions.

I don't know if you are seeing your own clients already, but I am just curious if you have ever experienced this type of connection with any of your own clients, the one that would feel as deep and intense for you, as a therapist, as it did to the client. If you are not seeing clients, then I wonder if you could imagine yourself being a therapist in this situation and how those moments would feel to you, again, as a therapist. Would it feel like a healthy place to be in for both, you and the client?

I absolutely don't discuss client work on this forum. Even in the vague terms you are asking. I have supervision for this kind of reflection and I am on this forum to discuss my experiences as a client and not my experiences as a therapist.

If you are asking whether I think, in my professional opinion my relationship with my therapist is a mutually healthy one, then yes I do. I have confidence in his capacity for self reflection and I gain a lot from the relationship therapeutically speaking.

No, this is not what I asked. I literally asked about how you personally would feel, as a therapist having this type of connection with a client and if it would feel healthy to you being in a therapist's role.

Well I'm not interested in discussing my work as a therapist on this forum. It's not what I'm here for.

No, this is not an indication of anything, but I am curious as to why you are seeing it that way.

I'm not "seeing it that way" I was wondering, and I stated what prompted me to wonder in parentheses.

Oh, I see.

Have you considered revising your views and (especially) reactions lately? You have tended to react quite impulsively and in hostile manners to my posts, iditdmyway, after our quite extensive and seemingly mutually satisfying discourse. I just think those reactions had little to do with me and were heavily driven by your momentary states and what you considered "should be's" at a given time. I think this forum can be a useful platform to try out different communication styles, but it is not for passive aggressive abuse driven by someone who might just be jealous of other people's succeeding better in life, with similar intelligence or whatever background. I am open to discussion.

I hate that! My therapist does that sometimes when I am thinking about something she just said and I dont have a reply. Like shes just sitting there analyzing my every move. Thats part of the reason I cover my mouth in therapy.

For me the non-silent parts felt creepy and unnatural too. The whole process... walking in, being stared at by a stranger, the forced conversation, the seclusion, me pretending not to know that they were pretending to care, paying, walking out.

It's a totally natural and healthy reaction. I can relate to it so much. This forced eye contact is intrusive and not therapeutic at all IMO.

So true..all of it. Felt like we we were both actors in the play that didn't make sense, except there was no audience..I wish there was one - for quality assurance..

Yes, I'm sure, it's the ethical reasons that don't allow you to answer the question.

I have a hard time with eye contact anyway. Its when I am looking away not saying anything and I know she is looking at me that bothers me. It especially bothers me when we are doing meditation and she is going through the excercise because I know she is watching me. I cover my mouth alot because I tend go move my mouth around when I get nervous and I dont want her seeing that. I will also absolutely not eat or drink in front of any therapist. Why, I dont know

For me, this is also a cultural issue. In the culture I was raised in holding a prolonged eye contact was considered rude and intrusive unless it was an intimate romantic encounter. In other cases, it was perceived as an intimidation tactic and it was often used as such.

I detested silence in the beginning.
I still rarely make eye contact.
Over the years as I've gained excess to my own inner world. I came to realise silence wasnt a sinister torture by T.
A silence comes about after a moment of deep work.
We both sit there Together with each other. Both party To what I'm feeling. There's no attempt to change how I'm feeling. Just a sincere acknowledgement by myself and T of a togetherness in all of this.
I've been in therapy 16yrs. This didn't happen over night.
If any of you haven't reached this part. Then you haven't. If any of you haven't accessed your real inner self then you haven't.
There's nothing I can do about that. I can't give you what you haven't found yet. But to poo poo others Experiences is immature.
The silence isn't always intimate. Intimacy is generally shared now because of the time with T. Intimacy has grown.
T decided in our very first session whether she'd be able to have these feelings with a client. If she felt she wouldnt then she's told clients, they might be better to find someone else.
Plus they're therapist that haven't completed or even acknowledged they need to work on themselves first. Intimacy really wouldn't happen because they're not intimate with themselves yet.
You've got to be intimate with yourself to recognise it.
This has taken years.
There's no more I can say.
There's very few T's on this forum that I've read described that would know intimacy if it walked up and slapped them.
It often feels whrn in reading here, like 2 anxy teenagers sharing a room.

This has been my experience as well. I'm still in the beginning though, the intimate silence has emerged in my sessions only during the last half of a year and only briefly but it's very important, precisely for the reasons you describe so well. Because in those moments I have found myself and I can be myself together with my T and the silence sort of celebrates this.

I found the eye contact intrusive as well, and more generally just being scrutinized by a mostly silent observer who collected the secrets of other people. If you express discomfort with this or any of the other oddities, it is turned back on you (gaslighting).

Was like cult indoctrination quite frankly, with a grooming aspect to it... subtle or implied pressure to accept things that feel unnatural, but which are said to be necessary for your own good. Client "resistance" is the obvious signature concept.