Therapists aren’t your friends

I just disappointed that therapy didn’t help my situation a little more. At times I’m really unsure what I’m looking for in therapy - it ends up being a sort of just showing up thing. Initially I thought it would help me improve my outside relationships - years later I question if that ever happened. Looking back therapy is really the only long term relationship I managed to keep. It’s sad and frustrating - I expected a miracle and it never happened. Still doing therapy though mostly because it gets me out of the house. Will it ever get me to a different level - I’m skeptical.....

No, they can't be our friends, I know... and it sucks!!!!

I tried individual therapy for years and it didn't really help. Now I go to a support group. People in the group can be your friends. There's no rule against it. We meet outside of group sometimes. Also, these people really understand what I'm going through (unlike therapists). Also the groups are free. Overall, I can't really see a reason to see an individual therapist.

It is true - my therapist isn't my friend and never will be. It's one of the first things he promised me.

I don't think I would want T as my friend, she is a really good therapist but might be a really rubbish friend

I'd consider it traumatic bonding if one party idealizes the other. I know a therapist non-professionally who seems to need fan worship, as indicated by her incessant bragging, posturing and resume exaggeration.

My T isn't my friend but I've been seeing her for 8 years so it feels like friendship sometimes. She's always been kind of casual yet totally professional. I need her as my T, not my friend. I finally realized that fact and accept the closeness of our therapeutic relationship, which is better than friendship.

I don’t know - it’s confusing because everyone says your therapist shouldn’t be your friend but you confide in them and they usually respond in a kind way - isn’t that what you want in a friend????? If you’re a loner I think there’s always the threat that you’re going to put too much into this relationship - there’s always seems to be a lot of chit chat in between the actual issues discussions..... I guess if you’re on the edge of the social fabric this could be misinterpreted..... I just know I spend a lot of time in a room with a shrink..... unfortunately it is a large part of my history.....

This thread hits on such a big issue.

RE: the chit-chat. Ugh - that always drives me crazy! My T finally helped me realize it IS therapy; it helps her fill in the gaps. What is a weekend like for me? What are my daily life stresses? Etc...

My 2 cents...

The therapeutic relationship isn't a friendship, or a romantic relationship, or a family member. It's something completely unique, important, incredibly special for both the patient and T. It won't fit any other mold. Friendships are limiting in their own ways, right? Romantic ones ditto, and we all know family relationships....pppffftttt. Therapeutic relationships are limiting in some ways, but expansive in ways that no other relationship can be. In this way, it IS a TRUE relationship; not just a fiduciary arrangement.

Your therapist is not your friend... one of the profession's go-to condescensions, aimed at clients who allegedly fail to "get" what therapy is about.

Yet therapist behavior is ambiguous and manipulative so naturally people get confused on some level about the nature of the relationship.

Sitting alone with someone and making direct eye contact and various mommy/daddy faces and noises, in a quasi-medical and quasi-business context... this unnerves and confuses people, and seemingly most therapists are too unaware or emotionally immature to see this or accept responsbility for it. Thats what i have observed and experienced.

They spin this confusing mess into yet another client "issue". It's their bread and butter.

The therapists I know in real life (there are several in my friendship/acquaintanceship arena) are not super great human beings. They have screwed up lives, screwed up children, screwed up relationships with their parents and spouses and significant others, money woes, etc. They are just usual people who chose to get a job as a therapist. I dated one for awhile who was completely batshit crazy (I never saw this one as a client) and I also dated a batshit crazy attorney who became a therapist after we broke up (I doubt our breaking up and her becoming a therapists were related in any way).
Finally I quit dating completely batshit crazy people but I still have batshit crazy people who are therapists as friends.

I don't object to therapists but rather to the whole concept of therapy which is systemically skewed. It is the most unnatural of relationships....not quite personal and yet oh so personal. I think perhaps the best would be short-term and goal-oriented...although having tried this in the past it did not seem worth the money. Get a workbook. Do the work. As good as short-term therapy. I never used therapy long-term, only short-term. It always seemed that after a few months therapist started to lay their various trips on me. Again, I don't think it is personal. But, sigh, I have always agreed with Bud Fox's views on therapy.

Hi! Just to add my two cents (which I already have in a separate comment) I don't think it is all personal...but it is just a structure that is set up for failure. It's unnatural. I will only concede that perhaps short-term (3 to 6 months) goal-oriented therapy might be effective. Once or twice a month. So 12 sessions or less.

Amen to this. My motto is they still take a s*** like everybody else.

Yeah well I’ve been in and out of therapy for years - I guess I’m naive about the ways of the world..... I haven’t had real intimate relationships in my life so I guess I’m just trying to fulfill those ingrown needs.... being on the outskirts really leaves you guessing what you should be doing - maybe I’ll figure it out someday.

It is unfortunate and rather disconcerting that many of you have had such negative experiences in therapy and with therapists.

I know there are a variety of professions qualified to provide therapy ie social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, counsellors, etc. I have only seen Psychologists.

My experiences with therapy have been incredibly positive and for that I’m very thankful. Even the first therapist I saw, ten years ago, didn’t work great for me at the time. However ten years later I’m back with him and we have certainly had our ups and downs and share of battles, periods of mistrust, and confrontations, however, we’ve both put the time and effort in to work through all of these issues. The stuff I talk to him about I wouldn’t necessarily share with a friend. Do I want him to be my friend? Absolutely. But that would completely change the dynamic of our therapeutic relationship into something that wouldn’t work at all. So I have to choose and I’ve chosen to have him as a therapist because that’s where he is of the most benefit to me.

I can terminate therapy at any time. I’m not being court-ordered to attend. I suspect many of the people who have a negative view of therapy had a bad experience and for whatever reason did not have the benefit of working through that experience with their therapist. I know if I had terminated in the middle of one of our fights I would likely feel the same.

There ARE bad therapists out there. I’m not denying that for a second. But there are far more good than bad and some of you are painting the entire profession with the same brush and those generalizations are completely unfair.

Ultimately you get out of therapy what you put into it. It is probably the most intimate and most intense relationship you will ever have. It can also be the most rewarding.

But don’t go into therapy looking for a friend. That’s not what it’s there for.

Therapy can fail people for any number of reasons. It is not because the client did not put enough in. The client is not to blame for bad therapy or therapists.
I think most people know therapists are not friends.

If the therapist is a bad therapist then therapy will never happen. Good therapy is a respectful collaboration between the client and therapist. Both have to work at the relationship and issues being addressed.

Come to think of it I terminated the last three therapists I went to. One because...they were simply ineffective. Another because...they did not show up for sessions two times in a row without calling and later giving no excuse! Finally, years ago...a therapist demanded I go into marriage counseling with my soon-to-be-ex or he would terminate our therapy. I still don't get that one. It seems unethical. I terminated. Later he called and requested we go out for a "social coffee" which I did just to see how it would go. It was weird and again, I think, unethical even though therapy had ended. I mean it was kind of a mindf----.

You've expressed my thoughts on this 100%. Have we met?

A lot of therapists offer this type of therapy and it is really good for people who don't have long-term mental health issues. Things like situational depression, life/career goals, relationship issues, etc benefit from short-term goal-oriented therapy.

People who have experienced trauma or struggle with mental health issues can definitely benefit from long-term, ongoing therapy.

I have been in weekly therapy for over ten years. When I'm in crisis or a major depression we work to bring me out of it. When I'm doing well and I'm stable, we work on keeping me there. We also work on goals, coping strategies, stressors, etc.

Even after ten years I don't feel anywhere ready to leave therapy. I also don't believe I can be stable for any period of time without it. Some would say I'm using it as a crutch. Maybe so but if it keeps me alive and stable I'm ok with calling it whatever you want.

Curious what your basis is for saying there are far more good than bad therapists. I've had some extremely good experiences in therapy, and I think it has the potential to be an extraordinarily valuable experience, but there's a real abundance of therapists who are at best only mildly incompetent. There are a ton of therapists who are maybe fine for some clients, or for clients who have low expectations or mild needs, but who can be dangerously terrible for other clients.

I also feel like the idea that it's really about working through conflicts, or that you get out of it what you put in, kind of sweeps the real problem under the rug. For every therapist I've seen where I'm grateful we worked through disagreements and ruptures productively, I've seen two or more where I wish I'd been able to end therapy earlier. For every therapist with whom my hard work translated into lasting insight and change, I've seen two or more with whom I took on the difficult task of making myself vulnerable, only to be met with betrayal, prejudice, arrogance, defensiveness, and gross incompetence.

Threads like this don't do anything but entrench people further into their beliefs. My way is the right way!
** shrugs shoulders. Carrys on in long term therapy getting something from it. Even though I'm reading here its pointless and chuckles**
Is reminds me of trying to teach a pig to sing.

I can really relate to this, although I was pretty happily and successfully married for 24 years until my husband died. Not very clued in or a part of things socially other than that, though. Thought therapy could help me deal with my "issues" whatever they were and make another life for myself. It didn't. Maybe couldn't. But living on the margins or dropping out entirely isn't a life much worth living IMO.

I don't know what else there is which can "help", though, which may be why so many of us stick with it, far too long sometimes. For any of us who are marginalized the challenge may be much the same. Because of my "mental illness" I thought I was the problem, not society's rejection of me. I was trying to fix myself, with the expensive "help" that was available to someone in my situation. Only it didn't address my basic lack of social understanding. Still haven't found it and haven't been able to figure out on my own very well. Still trying. . .

I agree that nobody's mind is changed through the extreme dialogue often presented on this board and the internet in general. Sometimes a thread will remind me of an old married couple having the same argument over and over again.

In the backdrop of this is that insurance companies pay for therapy and other mental health services because they are convinced the evidence for their effectiveness exists, and/or because employees consider it a benefit. I see it as extremely unlikely that there will ever be research that shows therapy or certain kinds of therapy or therapy for a certain amount of time is ineffective. This would be against the collective findings of such generally accepted research and the general findings of the past 50 or so years. Every so often my insurance company looks at the question, is my therapy working enough to justify paying for it? Apparently they decide that it does, even after almost a decade. Besides my own judgment about the effectiveness of my therapy, this is really the only thing I care about.

I can just imagine the uproar if insurance companies decided to stop paying for therapy or other mental health services. Maybe it would be much like what happened before the Affordable Health Care Act required including such services in the public plans. I am glad therapy is something I can access if I choose to, I'm glad other people have the choice, and if you think therapy doesn't work for you, then everyone has the choice not to get it. Logic dictates that therapy can and will be available to people in the future and anonymous postings on the internet have probably a zero percent likelihood of changing that.