Couch 186: Pink Lemonade

Ooh, fascinating question! I know what I would do with my T, but I guess the question is more what should you do with your T? And I don't know the answer to that.

With my T, I would bring it up. She is not squeamish about me looking things up, and she wouldn't be upset, particularly if I accidentally got the info the way you did. I think you mentioned the issue in a previous thread, and I actually do know that my T shares my views on that because it came up once. If she didn't, I would honestly question her judgment because I consider the opposite view an ignorant, dangerous position. It's not like if she felt that farm subsidies were an appropriate use of tax revenue and I didn't.

But I don't care too much about avoiding ruptures at all costs. Sometimes things need to blow up, and this would probably be one of those occasions for me. But I know that my T welcomes my anger and differing opinions, even when they are uncomfortable for both of us. I think I wouldn't make any decisions before we had talked it through. But if it bothered me the way that information would, I don't think I would hold back from talking about it.

Is it about anti-vaccination? Didn't he also make a remark/suggestion that toxic household items might contribute to causing autism? Seems doo-lally to me, but I think that about many people and their beliefs.

Discuss it with him and work through the rupture if it happens. If he terminates because of it, he wasn't the right therapist for you as you seem like a client who needs to ask/air these kinds of issues.

Good guess! Yes. From some comments/posts his wife made, she clearly is, no idea of his beliefs, like does he buy into it, go along with her, what? I mean, I'm someone who does look into some alternative treatments--I saw her posts in a biomed group that we were both in (she's left it). But the whole biomed thing can just be, say, giving magnesium instead of Miralax (might have different name where you are--polyethylene glycol--not actually FDA-approved for kids and they're conducting study on safety) for constipation or giving vitamins/fish oil supplements to help improve body/brain function along and up to anti-vax, chelation (which can be dangerous), etc. It's a wide, well, spectrum. I'm on the much less extreme end of it. I have a public health degree, so I really can't buy into the anti-vax thing. Plus the guy who published stuff about it, Wakemen, had his license revoked, the journals retracted the studies (which is a huge deal--I do copy editing for science journals and retractions are extremely rare). So...yeah, now I'm like, "Does my T, who seems pretty intelligent, buy into this?"

And another contestant enters the lists for fair una’s hand...

LT, on anti-vax, keep in mind this belief, whether his wife’s or his, might have originated *because* of their son’s autism or similar condition. In other words, it could be a manifestation of grief, not a sign of intelligence, but an emotional reaction, a way to cope. If so, it deserves a lot of sensitivity. I would just leave it alone.

... that you know of!

Honestly, I think not talking to a T because fearing a rupture is kind of counter productive. My T always says that ruptures are the main meat of therapy (not really like that, it's hard to translate). You can go for years and always have it good, but the real work really comes from discussing issues you have with your therapist.
I know that the problem at hand is that you read some stuff his wife posted, but even then, there come in things like 'you assume he thinks the same way as his wife' or regarding intelligence, and so on. If you never discuss those things, how will you ever work on for example assuming all people in a family think the same way for other people in your life?

I don’t know-i can’t see the conversation going well, LT. I agree with you that is a tough rhing to be on opposite ends, but even if he does believe that (and would he tell you? most likely not), it’s not like you will change his mind. If you think you can see him as a good T minus that, I might leave it alone. But, i am a coward

Oh, yeah, stopdog has been slyly giving you hugs, hasn’t she?

I agree...I have another friend (former coworker) who is very intelligent with a son on the spectrum who also seems to believe that based on his FB posts. I think it's partly jarring to me because I actually sort of assumed T was on the other side of things, thinking that my doing, say, vitamin/mineral/yeast testing on D was kooky. When really, I might be more mainstream than he and his wife. I understand why he may not have wanted to share some of that, but at the same time, I'd have felt more comfortable talking about such things if I'd known. Instead of worrying that he was judging me the whole time and thinking I was a whack job.

LT-I wouldn’t touch that one with a 10 foot pole. I would leave it be..just my opinion.

Aren’t you partly in therapy to work on how not to feel others are judging you and thinking you’re a whack job, though? That has nothing to do with what he thinks. It has to do with what YOU think, and not saying “aha! But you’re the weird one!” That’s not the way to fix worrying too much about what other people think about you. The way to fix that is inside you, in your self-belief.

I’d just leave him and his family out of your therapy.

Thanks for this. Yeah, he's said before that he thinks conflicts we've had have made our relationship stronger. I think I just feel really guilty because he's like "I really appreciate all your restraint," when I didn't exercise nearly as much restraint as he thinks I did. Sure, I didn't click on her actual profile. But I looked at past posts/comments in the group (like searched her name in group). I never tell him that I didn't--he just assumed that. But it's like I want him to have/keep this good image of me (hello, authority figure issues!) At the same time, maybe I need to be honest, I don't know. Or at least say "I looked at a few posts before realizing what I was doing was wrong." I doubt he'd admit his beliefs. And he could say "Oh my wife posted that 2 years ago, doesn't mean she has same beliefs now." But maybe it needs to be a more meta issue, like does it matter if we have different beliefs about certain things?

I had this thought too, but (as always) you said it much better than i could have.

I think I just need to see what I'm feeling and where the conversation goes tomorrow. Maybe he assumes I looked at stuff but just didn't say it. He knows I'm curious. The stuff was sitting right there in front of me. I mean, maybe I can just say "Yeah, I saw a few things, I'm sorry." But it's basically something that fell into my lap. I think there's a difference between that and actively seeking something out. I mean, maybe not, at least not in his eyes. I don't know...

The sort of...ironic thing is that I felt I needed more real-life friends with kids on the spectrum. So a few weeks ago, i got together with a woman I met in a different group who's also in the one that T's wife was in. I asked her if there was a local group for this, she said yes and was going to add me, then realized I was already in it. So I went in and turned on notifications for all posts. Had I not done that--had I not been trying to make real-life friends to connect with over autism parenting (instead of assuming I had that in common with T), I imagine I wouldn't even have seen his wife's post (as I'm in a bunch of FB groups for assorted topics and FB can be pretty random about what shows up on your feed--I know this because I'm also administrator for a local public health organization's FB page). So I'm trying to branch out and make connections in real life, which ultimately leads back to T...it wasn't intentional.

LT, I don't see where you did anything where you need to be sorry for. HUGS Kit

I think you have enough experience in sweeping things under the rug. As dr phil says, how's that working for you? REALLY difficult conversations? - maybe not so much. Our parents were like, my way or the highway. But for us to get along with other adults, we have to be able ACCEPT - not approve - of their choices. Some things matter in our day to day life, some things dont. But i prefer to have them out in the open, rather than pretend or lie about them.

Eta - posted before i read the last few posts. I agree with them (lt, kit).

I think you already know the answer to that. And that this would be a good opportunity to realize that self-belief I mentioned earlier.

I read that and my first honest though was : " MY una" .

I could totally see her off.

... And you!!

R said pretty much the same thing. Therapy was all about the ruptures and repair. I've had so many now that i've lost count! But it was our last one where I acted out and skipped an awful lot of sessions that made me realize that I could trust him.

I'm just scared T will terminate me. And I can't handle that right now.

@@ and una are the original dream team but I've been the official mini me for a while now too, but alas I don't do commitment either. You can be scheduled in on thursdays. Ryan on fridays and the russian on saturdays.

Oh beautiful love letters with throbbing hearts.