In Session Today: Part VI

I feel guilty for asking for attention ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also I don't necessarily want an entire thread's worth of discussion, but sometimes a response is nice.

I agree. That's how I feel too. Kit

Overall, I think IST worked well as it was..... people commented if they wanted and the poster would reply to that or not if they chose.

It would be a good idea if you have an issue with someone or something written on there, or any thread really, to message privately and not post there, that's how the topics can go off elsewhere.

I feel bad for my part in what happened but I was trying to defend LT as my friend and then had to stick up for myself when I got attacked. All of it could have been avoided if people would have messaged each other privately.

While I don't have a T to write IST stuff for anymore, I did enjoy reading the recaps for some people... and it would be nice to get back to that and have the choice, as a poster here if I want to comment or not, no one has to reply if I do but I don't think we need separate threads for everything.

What kind of response? I am serious - what kinds of responses do people want to their interactions with a therapist? I really don't know - I can't think of any sort of response to an appointment I had that would have been useful for me. Certainly not the types I see going on here. For someone like me, a specific indication of what is being sought is very useful.
Again I am not saying don't do it - just trying to figure out what is being asked for.

Well heck. I feel bad wanting to actually discuss my session today. Ah well.

It was season 3 with new T today. I guess, I don't know that I like her. She asked me at the end of the last session to do a DBT diary card. She seems to be all gung ho for trying DBT with fidelity with me. The last T who tried discussed skills like, once maybe. I decided that doing the diary card was going to be BS, so I made my own mood tracker inspired by the traditional diary card. T seemed to be a big fan.

She spent some time looking over my journal, and made an interesting connection. Friday I was really struggling, but she proposed that I was just super triggered from Thursday when I attended this 2.5 hour training at work on trauma informed care. So what did I think about? My own childhood traumas.

She noted that I didn't seem super excited to be at therapy. That I never am, and often get disregulated afterwards. I explained that while I don't disagree that skill building will be good for me, I also need someone to give me a hug and tell me they love me.

"You want to feel supported. I get that. Also, I feel like if I did try to hug you that you might punch me."

She recommended some kind of positive reinforcement to help me associate therapy with a good thing instead of terrible therapy feelings. H later recommended cheesecake.

We spent the last 20 minutes talking about some DBT skills, which led to a conversation about my a-hole AP at work and what it looks like when someone brushes their teeth.

ETA: I am feeling very vulnerable in having really begun therapy with someone who isn't my old T and I get that there's drama, but support or feedback would be appreciated if you feel it appropriate.

I guess using my last write up as an example, the part where I talked about if contacting my former T was somehow betraying my new T, having a response to that part of it might be helpful. But you're right that if I really wanted a discussion (which I don't want a discussion, just maybe a "I could see that" or "no, I don't think you have to worry about that") I could have started a thread. But I'm not sure I could handle a whole discussion on it. So that's why I posted it in IST thread. The last one. Kit

Like LT's and SalingerEsme's responses to me here

I was feeling vulnerable and insecure and ashamed about having been vulnerable. I was also feeling ashamed for just having really intense feelings about the session. The responses made me feel heard and empathized with. I often emotionally "crash" after a session and feel raw and vulnerable and isolated, and so the shared connection helped. I felt less stupid and less alone with these intense feelings.

Thank you for the examples. I never in a million years would have been able to come up with it.

LT- just want to tell you how much I love your posts... and how much they have helped me grow myself. I wish I could be as open, vulnerable, and brave as you are. Your posts always touch me very deeply and I think add a tremendous amount to this forum. Sending you hugs.

Out of curiosity, are there people who act superexcited to be in therapy? I mean, I find it helps, but I'm pretty sure "excited" is not what reads on my face as my T takes me back.

I like your H's cheesecake suggestion. Maybe T's should have a dessert tray for the end of session?

It can be really hard to tell if a T is right for you this early on. I mean, it can be obvious if a T is clearly WRONG for you right at first. But hard to tell if they're right, if they'll last for the long haul. If that makes any sense. I think that takes more time. Though if you're that unsure, maybe check out other T's?

In time, you might be ok if she did hug you. It ended up being the most healing part of my therapy.

Ya the positive reinforcement is a good idea, it's like helping dogs get over fears and such. If you like cheesecake, that might be a good one, personally I'd pick chocolate

Thanks for posting your update. was nice to read

I had two thoughts about this; one, that it was only one third session so it’s not surprising that you might be a bit reticent or reserved, and two, even if that’s how it was with your old T, too, doing things like making the mood tracker show your engagement with the process. Positive feelings may come in time—and I like the idea of adding positive associations.

More of the time in therapy I am dealing with fear, sadness, and anger but I actually have enormous positive feelings about the process and the T. The nature of our work just means those positive feelings don’t often come up in session.

I told him I was glad I came on Monday because it gave me greater clarity about what needs resolving. He asked me my sense of what that is. I said that what had affected me over the weekend was picking up on his anxiety about me saying I have internalised his liking me.
I said that he had said he didn't want to repeat T1's mistakes, but suddenly withdrawing was precisely what he did. So in trying not to repeat those mistakes he's doing exactly that.
I told him one of the things I value most about working with him is his willingness to take risks, it shows trust for me, and it feels like he rescinded that trust.

T said he reflected on it a lot, and he thinks, while the fuelling transference anxiety is generally around, that's not what caused this anxiety and he wondered if it was more that he wondered how we could shift my locus of evaluation so it's not reliant on his feelings. I was like "uh, that's already happened. That's what I mean when I say I have internalised it. If I stopped seeing you tomorrow I would still like myself and trust myself" he said "that's not how I heard it. Sounds like I misinterpreted it" I said " Sounds like you missed it altogether". He said in that case he's not sure what the anxiety was about. I said well if you misunderstood it was probsbly that. He said, he doesn't trust that, and that he feels like there's more there he will reflect on.

I said I felt disarmed. Like, I can't be angry with him now he doesn't know what the anxiety was about. I could be angry with him for the fuelling transference thing, but not this. He said "do you have to be right to be angry?" I said "I dont think I have to be right, but you certainly have to be wrong!" And we both laughed. He said he is wrong, he doesn't know and that's pretty useless. We laughed a bit more and he said "what's happening now, why have we shifted to laughter?"
I said "Do you feel something is disconnected that needs reconnecting?" He said he doesn't feel disconnected from me but feels he is "out of sorts" in relation to me. I said I feel like that towards him too. I said when we hugged on Monday it didn't feel like either of us were there. We were just going through the motions.
We sat and pondered what was happening for a while and T looked like he was thinking intently. I realised I wasn't thinking at all and I wanted to let him do all the work. I told him this. I said it's like being at a train station, if we miss our train my kids just stand there assuming I'm going to sort it all out. I felt like that. I just wanted to sit there waiting for him to plan a new route and sort all the tickets out. He linked that to what I had been saying about autonomy on Monday and We had a good discussion about power, giving it up and wanting it completely and moving between the extremes. I tried to articulate something in a way that didn't sound like a particular thing. I was struggling. He said "pause a second. I believe you that it's not like that. You don't have to find the exact words to prove it". We talked a bit about how I like to use precise language and "show my working".
He went on a train of thought and I said "What?" He said he had ended up thinking "I wonder if she is aware of [something therapy related - he didn't tell me, he said "dot dot dot]" then he realised it's my supervisor's job. He said he felt protective.

I said sometimes I wish he didn't know I was a therapist because sometimes he tslks to me like a colleague and I am often hurt because I'm not in therapist mode. I personalise whatever he says. I said at the same time I desire those conversations too, but I know they hurt me because I hear them as a client. He said that makes sense.
I told him about feeling the same way when someone on here (PC) started quizzing me on my practice. It felt jarring because I am in client mode here.
I asked him if he thinks he will work the anxiety out. He said he hoped so and he will keep pondering.
Time was pretty much up. We hugged (a nice hug) and as I was leaving he said he now has an emergency umbrella in case I ever arrive in sunshine and leave in rain. I said thanks I'll bear it in mind. And I left.

Likewise, I felt the same reading Labrat's post. It made me feel less alone.

While maybe the responses on the thread go wrong every once in a while, often they are sincere.

I guess that I'm struggling because I felt a pretty quick "oh, I can see myself developing a good relationship with this guy" with my most recent T. And I did. I am not feeling that now, so while I'm engaged with the process, I don't know if I can have positive feelings with this T.

But I am a huge fan of therapy cheesecake. We should all have therapy desserts!

Echoes your therapist is doing something caring, quite the opposite of what it may seem. You've idealized him a lot and for a long time. It's not surprising that addressing it (ie the artificial quality of the relationship) leads to anxiety buy I think he's doing it for your benefit, for sure.

I think you are missing something about what's happening. We have always, always discussed the disparity between my feelings and the reality. I am well aware of the transference nature of my feelings and we discuss it a lot. I don't get the sense my therapist is doing something uncaring and I'm not sure where you read that. I also don't think he's talking about the "artificial quality" of the relationship.

My issue with him last session was around the inconsistency in approach but we resolved that yesterday. I don't get the sense he is doing anything different to what he has always done, nor do I think I am under any illusion about the nature of my feelings towards him.

Thanks for taking the time to post but you have missed the thrust of the session I think.

We wanted so badly to be able to connect with T today. She's been away.
We blabbed on and on about some stuff. T made comments here and there. We couldn't look at her. We wanted to be away from her.
We talked about the nothingness of growing up unloved, unwanted, rejected by those who were supposed to have rescued us from rejection. But instead just used that as a poisoned weapon, and as security against disclosure of their own atrocities.

T was there, T listened as we babbled on and on, but we couldn't see her and couldn't find her.

When time was almost up there was an overpowering grief inside us. The grief of missed connection. She offered to do our end-of-session grounding exercise with us. She offered to do a different one. She turned away from us and started, but it immediately triggered a traumatic memory. We managed to say "Do the other one." She did the other one. While she read through it we sat there frozen and terrified, stuck in flashback. We were supposed to do the exercises as she said them. She didn't notice, kept on reading through.

When she finished we stood up and left.

I've never posted in session today, I tend to have always kept it private and also kind of felt the need to keep my T private aswell.. I also had slight paranoia that my T would stumble across it but if that's the case, I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do.

However I just think I need to write, get I'm trying to cope and keep my mind busy before I really do loss it. I've never felt so hopeless about live and I'm basically just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

So we had our last session Tuesday. We discussed trying to keep it light, have a chat and just end on a positive goodbye. We been through a lot over the 2 years working together, I feel we had a good bond and connection and I wanted it to end with gratitude, and nicely.

This didn't really happen. I woke the morning of session, full of panic, cried allday whilst waiting and by the time I got to the session i was a mess. She kept to her side and was there with a smile and a coffee ready for a chat and catch up.
At that point when I sat down I knew it wasn't gonna end well, like there was no way I could keep composure and hold down the panic... maybe I last 2/3 minutes of general pleasantries.
I then started to shake which lasted the whole session, we tried to breath but I was uncontrollable in that moment. Basically I spent the session, asking and trying to find a way to keep going, even if it meant once a month just something. She remained firm and said she didn't think that would be in mybedt interests and that she believed I needed a clean break and to find another T to work through the pain this goodbye is causing. So basically we went back and forth with that mostly, I then got it in my head that I couldn't leave the room and that I couldn't just let her go, so we spent the remainder trying to convince me that I could. To walk away I thought was the hardest thing, but actually it's getting worse every minute.
She was originally going to schedule a phone call or two, to ease me into it as she knows my fear of goodbyes abd abandment but towards the end said that she will not do that as she things it will put me in further turmoil over this.
I think that's what I'm also struggling with, yes maybe she is right, but for me in this moment I still need something to cling to, and now I feel I have nothing and I dunno what to do with that.
The end itself was left on a hug, I felt myself wanting to cling and could feel my grip about to go tight but thankfully I kept some control, it was a brief hug but honestly I didn't want her to let go.
We went over for a few minutes because I needed coaxing out the room, there was someone in the corridor which I think was a blessing because i knew I couldn't say or do anything with others watching... I heard her tell me to take care but I couldn't look or speak to her that one last time so I think I just kept walking.
I do have regrets on this session, to have such a good relationship with someone who helped you through the worst moments In you life needed I think a nicer ending, but I was too upset to do that.
In fact I think it was always gonna end that way!

Now though, I'm lost... scared... alone and without that person I turn to in my hour of need! The person that kept me going!

I'm going to back up and just say-I don't think you have an artificial relationship with your T. I was thinking only of the transference, which I may view a bit differently.

What I was trying to say is related to something I've talked about a lot on the forum but didn't explicitly state. Instead, I think I was responding as if you knew what i was talking about (as if you could read my mind), so sorry about that!

I felt as though I was speaking a foreign language for most of today’s session. R reassured me that she appreciated reading the article. I told her that the Critic had been loud over the last few weeks. She asked what I meant by that, and I explained the difficulty I have been experiencing in terms of not being able to articulate my feelings.
‘I don’t want to be controlled by the Critic.’
R asked what not being controlled by the Critic would look like. I talked about being able to speak freely and clearly: ‘There has to be a line between where we ended up in November and hiding’, and then said ‘I wrote something over the break…’
‘I don’t know why it’s relevant, but this was written on the 17th of December. I want to try and share it with you.’
‘Do you want to read it?’
‘That is what I meant by “Try and share”’
I did pretty well and flaked at the beginning of the second paragraph. I passed her the piece of paper and she remarked that the last line was particularly clear in me articulating what I need.
‘Once a writer, always a writer.’
‘Does that mean that you have employed techniques in structuring a persuasive piece of writing, or does this reflect how you really feel?’
‘It reflects how I really feel.’
I remarked that I have been struggling with anger lately at inappropriate times. R gently pointed out that I had described a whole process based on how I felt my anger would be perceived. She asked me how I would feel if my music tutor said ‘Sorry, I have just thought of something that made me feel really angry. Can we stop for a second?’
‘That would be fine.’
We talked a bit about how I might word a request for some space to process something, and R asked how I was feeling at that moment, because recognising how you feel is integral to being fully present. She referenced an event last Easter which showed some of my ‘inner turmoil.’
I mentioned that I was feeling over an upcoming significant date. ‘I can use the word significant if I want to.’ R asked whether I was feeling anticipation or dread. I responded with the latter. Then a conversation with the Critic ensued, regarding whether there is any particular difference if I relive January 2011 every night. I swallowed a lot of my fear, though, and I couldn't really get at what I wanted to say.
‘Regardless of whether it happened as I was led to believe or not, something still happened.’
R acknowledged that as the first time I have said something that sounded like me accepting my feelings. ‘And then there’s what you said earlier, about realising that you are so in tune with others’ needs that you hurt yourself in the process.’
We talked about the differences between the two experiences and how I feel as though something broken when I discovered it wasn’t true.
R highlighted that there seemed to be a clarity about me this time, having had three weeks’ thinking time.

I saw T this morning. He came out and got me, went back and sat down in the chair. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I was exhausted because I only slept 3.5 hours last night. T. asked what I was doing that late at night. We talked about how I was cleaning because of the mice problem and how my little ones were awake forever. He asked when do I normally wake up and when I answered he said that it wasn't much sleep at all...if any. I talked about how last night I told H that I wasn't going to go to my session this morning because I was mad that he can just cancel his therapy sessions without regard. T asked how I felt now that I came, and I told him that I was feeling okay. Started talking about where my head went yesterday.
We discussed how that response makes me feel invalidated by people. He asked if I feel like he does this to me and I said no, because I can talk about the feelings instead of being told to shut up. We got on the subject of H again and the SA, how he tells me that my butt and boobs are his and he doesn't want me to change them. We spent most of the session talking about that. When we had about 10 minutes left we started talking about how there's other things I'd like to talk about but this stuff with H takes over the session. He said He feels this double edged sword with me, that I feel like I don't want to give H the power to be in my therapy session (as in talking about it) vs wanting to discuss what he's done to me. With a few minutes left I stopped talking and T tried to prod me to say what I was thinking. I just told him that it was stupid and we didn't have the time to discuss it. He asked why it was coming out at the end of session instead of the beginning. I said that I'd rather leave and cry then walk in and start crying...because if I cry then I can't talk. Of course by then it was really time to leave and he said we'll end it there and see you Monday. What I wanted to tell him was that I feel like a burden to him and everyone else, and I don't deserve to come see him 3x a week because all I do is complain about H.

i get that you don’t want to give H so much power in session by talking about him, but it’s a big thing you are going through.

Had both of my sessions this week. In the first one, I got him up to speed on all the things that have happened over Christmas and his time off.

On Thursday (in between my two sessions), I decided to go visit my old high school. I took a walk around it, had a few flashbacks, but was generally able to deal well with it.

When I saw T on Friday, I was mostly dissociating when I got there. He had to ask me multiple time why I seemed so upset. I told him about the visit and that I've been drinking a lot since then. I think he asked some more questions, but I started to hyperventilate and couldn't hear him for a while. So we worked on getting me to calm down for the first 15 minutes or so.

T asked whether I was upset because of the memories that this had brought up. I agreed that this might be a possibility. We continued talking more about the visit, where exactly I had been, what kind of things that I got reminded of. He was very careful not to push me to talk too much and listened a whole lot. I felt better after seeing him, although I still had to spend some time on my own.

I think I found a new therapist. It is another female therapist. Based on her online staff photo she appears to be much younger than the last two therapists I had. I have issues with 60 year old women therapist. My doctor recommended her to me because she specializes in autism just like he does, and I guess he thinks she will be a good match for me. I am waiting back to see when she’ll have an opening. I’m still kind of hesitant about therapy after how the last session went. But I’m sure I’ll be fine.