In Session Today: Part VI

I saw T today after the weekend. Came in and sat down. As usual he asked me how it was going. I told him that I wasn't really sure, something about how I was done adulting today. He laughed at that and said that at least I was there at session and I agreed. I told him that a few weeks ago I talked about how I needed to make an appointment for my annual physical and that I had that appointment today. We talked about how the appointment went, that my doctor is testing me for rheumatoid arthritis because my mom has it. He said he didn't know I had issues with my hands and laughed again that I was cracking my knuckles. I told him that my doctor looked at the SH I had and knew that I had went in on Friday for SH. T asked how did my doctor know that I went in on Friday so I told him that I saw a partner of here so it was in my record. He asked if I went after my session on Friday and I said yes, but I'm not sure if T thought that I had SHed after our session or before (It was before but the appointment was afterwards but I didn't mention it to him that day.) After we talked about that, T asked me how I was feeling now that I was there and I told him that I was just on edge. He said he could tell because I seemed really tense. I said I wasn't sure whether or not to talk about something that happened because I didn't want to face the consequences. He commented something about of I'd still have to face the consequences even if I didn't talk about it. I said no, because then I could just hide away from it and ignore it. He encouraged me to talk about whatever it was that was going on.

Near the end of the session he asked me again how I was feeling and if there's anything I think I need from him. At first I said that I wasn't sure what I needed that would be helpful and he said even if I wasn't sure to tell him. I told him I already feel like I don't deserve to come to see him as much as I do and that I feel like I'm being a burden because all I do is talk about my H lately. He told me that some of his clients come once a week others come every day that he's there, that everyone has their way of doing therapy. He asked if I wanted to add another session, at least for this week. I told him that it's already hard enough with Hs work schedule but that he could write down a few times and I'd text him later if I wanted to. I did end up texting him tonight that I'm going to try my best to make it tomorrow at 4. So we shall see what tomorrow's session brings.

About my email from my former T that she sent a couple of days ago:
At first I was glad to hear from her just to know that she is okay, not hospitalized or anything because of her condition. But I found that it wasn't enough. The email didn't make me feel better in terms of missing her or how to move forward with new T. But now that it has been a couple of days, I can hear the caring in her email and I can almost hear her voice, but not quite. I think she wants what is best for me. She mentioned a couple of concerns with a few things of new T, which I was able to take into consideration. One of the things is the infrequency of sessions with new T, which a few of my friends here on PC have also mentioned that I might think about increasing the frequency of sessions. It's something to talk to new T about. As for missing her, she acknowledged it, and I don't think there is another way through it besides how I am going, which is just through it, one day at a time. I feel a little better about the email now. It's always good to hear from her. I wish she hadn't waited so long to respond, but the fact that she responds at all, when she doesn't have to, is in itself, remarkable. I wish she could help me more with the pain of missing her. But I don't know how she would actually accomplish that. For now, I'm not going to email her again, at least not for a few weeks. I will try to go longer, if I can be stronger, and so I don't have to go through this anguish. But I know eventually I will want to hear from her again. I need to try to "bond" with new T so I don't need to rely on former T. I just really really do not want to feel this kind of hurt again. So it keeps me at arm's length from new T. And I'm not sure that's really good for me in the long run either. Kit

Note: The topic of my T session yesterday involves my being unfaithful to my H 3 years ago. I told H shortly after it happened, and we decided to work on things (and continued marriage counseling for a while after that). I'm completely fine with people commenting on my T session itself, but please don't share judgments on the mistake I made, as I cannot go back in time and am still struggling with what I did.

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. Started discussing snowstorm. I said how on the news, they kept saying this was our first big January snow since January 2016. Me: "And it's like I keep flashing back to what happened around that time, the being unfaithful to my H. Snow is all tied up in my memories of that time. Like I took D out to play in the snow so that I could talk to ex-T on the phone. I called ex-MC at 2 a.m. while sitting out back in the snow. Seeing the snow on our back deck kind of is triggering me. And I started getting emotional last night about it, but just played it off as being tired/stressed from snow."

I'd started crying when I shared that with T. T: "You seem to get really emotional whenever that topic comes up. It makes me wonder if you've really forgiven yourself." Me: "I don't think I have... I guess maybe we need to discuss it more."

T asked about whether I felt I'd learned something from it. Saying that one way to forgive oneself is to realize you've learned from something and have changed as a result. I said I guess I had in the sense that I don't intend to repeat it. Me: "Like, if I'm talking to someone in a bar now, I'm mentioning my H and flashing my wedding ring...though I guess the other guy knew I was married...but it's more that I might be talking to someone but don't have the thought of 'oh maybe we could hook up.' I mean, not like in the bar or something, but like, 'let's go to a hotel.' But I don't have that thought."

T said that sounded like I'd learned and changed from it. Me: "Yeah. Like I was looking for something from that experience. I'm not entirely sure what. Like I almost had this feeling that I had to get something out of my system, then I could move forward with my relationship with H. Like, ex-T said afterward that she thought it was inevitable that I'd eventually cheat. T: "That seems very astute of her. Did she explain why?" Me: "I think because of things I kept doing, like I was heading in that direction. Like, having feelings for that guy in grad school. Then around that time I was at a concert, and I took off my wedding ring. Like thinking maybe something could happen. I've met guys at concerts before, like...this is probably TMI, but I lost my virginity to someone I met at a concert." T: "Did it happen *at* the concert?" Me (laughing): "No, we went on a couple dates first. I'm classier than that!" (I did not mention that I did make out with the guy at the concert...)

Talked about what I'd wanted from the guy I did cheat with. T said how a long-term relationship has certain benefits, but you can't get certain feelings you could get with someone different. Me: "Like...novelty or excitement?" T agreed, saying how if you're with a new person, you don't know what they'll say or do. Me: "Yeah, or what they will look like naked." T said that one generally knows what to expect in longer-term marriage. Me: "Yeah, like if H and I are intimate, it will probably be a particular one or two positions." (I was able to say that without any embarrassment or looking at the floor--I think I've hit some new level in discussing sex with T.) T: "Yes. though there are some benefits with a long-term relationship, too." Me: "Yeah." T: "And people may decide, OK, those benefits are worth the loss of something else." Me: "Yeah."

I said how part of what has made it difficult for me to forgive myself is the lack of repercussions. Me: "Like, H stayed with me. I know I told you this before, but I was worried for a while that, because the protection failed, I'd get pregnant or end up with HIV." T: "Yes I recall you saying that. It felt like you were expecting too much punishment." Me: "But it just seemed like there should have been something lasting, like I deserved that...." T: "I think people often forget how strong psychological repercussions can be for something like this, how much they can affect you." Me: "yeah..." T: "In terms of you punishing yourself." Me: "Yes. How do I stop doing that?"

T said that learning from it is a way to self-forgiveness. That if I've learned and changed my behavior as a result, which it seems I have, then I should be able to forgive myself. Me: "Yeah...I mean, I've learned that hooking up with someone just for sex isn't the answer. But then...with ex-MC, where you'd said my email had suggested 'let's run away together,' if he'd said, 'yes let's do that...' I might have considered it. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't have lasted, and it would have likely destroyed me, but...Like I realize a purely sexual connection isn't going to solve anything. But at times I wonder if there's a better emotional match for me than H." T: "It could be that's a way you keep yourself distanced in a relationship."

Me: "Yeah, that could be. I mean, I don't believe in the soulmate thing really...like there's someone perfect out there for me." T: "Because that means people would have to be perfect. My sister-in-law would say, 'there are no perfect people, just perfect pets.'" Me: "OK, yeah, that makes sense. Hm...have I had a perfect pet?"

Somewhere in there, T talked about how learning from experience is the most intense form of learning, which is what I had. T: "Like pretty much everyone knows that they should exercise and eat well. Yet only maybe 25% of people exercise regularly. But if someone has a heart attack, it can be a big wakeup call for them. Some will say it's the best thing that every happened to them." Me: "Yeah." T: "Next level is social learning." Me: "Like if a friend had an affair and her husband left her?" T: "Yes, or if someone you know has a heart attack. The most common form of learning is from reading about it." Me: "Like reading the rate of heart attacks for someone who doesn't exercise?" T: "Yes. And it's the least effective. Most people just do levels 1 and 2 of learning, not experiencing it themselves." He said people learn the most from experience though.

This was earlier, but: Throughout session, T kept referring to it as an affair. Me: "I tend to think of an affair as more of an ongoing thing. While this was a one-night stand." T: "You can call it a one-night stand if you want." Me: "That makes me think of a line from Duran Duran's 'Save a Prayer,' 'Some people call it a one-night stand, but we can call it paradise.'" T: "That might not be the best way to frame it!" Me: "Yeah, well, I was just trying to keep my song-quoting streak going." T: "Is that a challenge on the forum? Like, how many songs can you quote in session." Me: "No, but I have mentioned it on there. And I'd think it would be especially impressive if I quoted songs without you realizing it. But not challenge." T: "I don't know, I could see you being like, 'I hit 23 in a row today!'"

T did ask if anything positive came out of what happened with the cheating. I said I guess I realized how much ex-T and ex-MC cared, from how much they supported me. T said that was positive. I said I guessed so, thinking (but not saying) that neither of them are in my life anymore, so...I also said how some friends I'd told about it had been accepting (though not all), and T said that was good, suggested they were really good friends. I agreed.

He was saying again that if I learned from it, it's a way to forgive myself. I said I wasn't sure that was enough for me and asked what other ways are to forgive myself. T said how there are many books out there on self-forgiveness. I wanted to be like, "But I don't want books, I want you to help me."

We were out of time (I pointed it out). Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday and Thursday. Went over to pay. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too."

Ended up sending him an email that evening, because I was feeling really bad about myself. He responded in a caring way this morning and included a modified version of the COPE inventory to fill out and bring to next session (it's about ways that I, well, cope). He offered earlier session or "if there is something else you need to help you through this tough time." Which meant a lot to me. I'm going to try to stay with scheduled Thursday session (partly because I'm having lunch with a friend I met in autism parenting group tomorrow--second time I'm seeing her).

She'd had an emergency and couldn't meet last session. She has no idea how much panic I have felt for a week not knowing if she was ok. I wanted to tell her how much I worried about her but couldn't. She shared the nature of the emergency with me and it was pretty serious. I was grateful she shared it with me and I was so relieved when I saw her smiling face and that she was ok.

It's strange to care this much about a T. She's the 8th one I've seen in my life & I never cared about any of them outside normal courtesy.

I didn't have to share any of my holiday season emotional rollercoaster either because she brought up an unexpected topic that we focused on for the session. I'm glad because I'm not ready to admit how much I need her and all of my insecurities about that yet.

From yesterday:

I asked him what was up as he was smiling at me much more. He said that we had entered a new stage, where I'd stopped being hostile and angry and that it was nice.

I spent a lot of the session talking about a few recent instances where people have misused power in ways I have found upsetting. He was very validating, particularly around my feelings about my proposed research supervisor, who is someone who I have clashed with before, and whom I would never have a conversation with again unless I recorded it (my previous clash with her involved her denying my experience of what happened and what was said). He told me I shouldn't have to work with someone I don't find trustworthy and he helped me make a really important distinction in that she invalidated my experience twice- she invalidated my experience of what happened in the room with her and also invalidated my feelings about what I had been talking about by saying I had said something else.

We linked my feelings about power and authority to a few things including when I was in 6th form and I was shoved in a room with a teacher and told to "resolve your differences". T said "as though you were equal" which I found very validating. It was a hugely unequal and unfair situation.

We also linked it to my Dad and I said how he wielded power and I never felt like my feelings or rights were respected at all. T said he had never heard me talking so strongly about my father before. I am usually very protective of him because I value my relationship with him. I took this as permission (I don't know why I felt I needed it) to go deeper into my feelings about being my father's daughter and how he was so strict with me because he was a single parent and just didn't know what to do with me when I was a teenager. How that led to me running away etc.

There were 15 minutes left. I asked if he thought there was time to look at his session notes from my first ever session with him. He said yes if I wanted to. I said "can I have a hug first?" So we stood up and he hugged me tight. He said "it's been an intense session" I said "Yeah I needed to hug it out I think".

I read his notes. I can't believe how much I told him in the first session. It was mostly biographical (and there were a couple of inaccuracies) but it was so comprehensive.

At the end he wrote:

That last line seems particularly accurate.

We discussed some of what he had written. Then we reached the end. I asked if I could keep it and he said yes "and treat it with discretion and caution" i replied "or take a photo of it and send it to [friend], whichever." He laughed and said yes it is mine to do what I like with.

He gave me a sheet of paper with his holiday dates on. He's only gone for two weeks this year. One in February and one in June.

Weirdly I can't remember if I paid him, and i can't remember if we hugged at the end as we normally do. I can't understand why I don't remember because we were just chatting about holidays so I won't have been dissociative.

He wished me luck with something I'm doing this weekend and I left. I emailed him after to ask whether I paid and he hasn't replied yet.

So I went to T. I really don't like her but whatever. She wants me to journal which I'll start the mood/thought/event chart tonight. She wants me to take a walk or do sit ups any time I want to hurt myself. I’d be doing sit-ups all day. That’s kinda the point though isn’t it? I’m learning I complain about the boys to much and I really need to stop. She says I’m enabling but everyone has roles in a household, right? I didn’t tell her about how my depression feels. She asked if I wanted to hurt myself I could only shake my head yes and she asked if I needed the hospital I shook my head no and squeaked out “I wouldn’t do anything.” I would do anything to get rid of this pain. I know that’s a slippery slope. It sucks knowing a couple solutions but being unable to do them because they frowned upon. It’ll just make it look like I’m doing worse than I actually am. She made sure I have a Pdoc appointment. I don’t see the point in doing this anymore. I kinda just want to fade away anyway. Why can’t I just do that? Why is that wrong? She’s already frustrated with me and it’s the 3rd time I see her. I’m the best at introductions. (sarcasm).

Today’s session was a good way of addressing the aftermath of the 15th. R arrived and explained that there had been a chicken walking down the pavement as she was driving in. She isn’t overly keen on birds. We sat down and she asked how I had been.

‘This week has been gruelling.’
‘Gruelling?’
‘Tuesday was hard.’
‘What was Tuesday?’
‘Tuesday was the significant date I mentioned.’

I explained that it had been harder than I thought – stomach ache, restlessness and a severe headache yesterday.
‘And you are attributing all of that to this one day?’
‘I don’t recall so many physical symptoms before.’

I explained that I met a friend on Sunday. ‘Friend is too small a word for what this person is.’
‘Somebody very important to you, then?’
‘She was supporting me at uni when the photos came.’
‘So she has an understanding of what you have been through.’
‘Yes, and yet when she asked me how I was, I said “Work is going well.”’
‘So you didn’t want to expose her to that, and you didn’t answer her question?’
‘Eventually, she asked in a little more detail…not pushy, but…’
‘Gentle probing?’
‘Yes, the Critic was present, arguing whether the date is truly significant, but I eventually said I needed to ask her something.’
I couldn’t get the words out, so she asked me whether I wanted her to text me. R asked whether knowing that I was in mind on that day would have been helpful to me, and wondered whether I would have felt worse if I hadn’t asked for that additional support. I said that I’d told my friend about the experiences of asking R for post-it notes, and R said that she hoped the more I asked for things, the easier it might become.
We talked about how I am more used to sadness than anger.
‘Is anger less comfortable because it is a newer emotion, or because it is less easy to express?’

I replied that it was a little of both. We went on to talk about and list ways in which people express anger. I laughed as I talked about growling, and R wondered whether I was embarrassed. I explained that I express anger so infrequently that it comes across as funny to other people. R replied that she has heard me swear in session, and it does not strike her as funny. I explained that it is probably because people aren’t used to hearing that from me. At some point the Critic entered and R highlighted the fact that I had turned away from her whilst fending off the Critic. I tried to get the words out twice before I ultimately said ‘What I mean is, did you get my email?’

She confirmed that she did, and apologised for not responding. Then the conversation returned to my feeling that anger, expressed well, should not affect anyone. She gave examples of slamming doors, and if somebody drove into her car. I said it was alright to express anger at somebody driving into your car.

‘I am having trouble justifying my anger.’ I continued. I brought some of this on myself. I reiterated that the ideal anger, if there is such a thing… ‘It’s your new theory’, doesn’t hurt anybody else. I observed that 'There seems to be a crossover between interpersonal and situational anger.'

R said that she would keep that as an observation.


R asked me something like ‘What would you do with your anger, in an ideal world? No magic wand, that doesn’t exist, but…’

‘In an ideal world I would like them to know that they hurt me, but that’s evident from ‘She knows you worry and ‘I didn’t want to tell you this, but.’

‘That is when I hear the most anger from you.’

‘Going back to what I said earlier, I trust you, and I don’t want my expressions of anger in this space to affect you.’

R explained that anger directed at her would not be acceptable, but anything below that level is fine.

‘I trust you and yet I want to protect you from my darkest imaginings.’

‘That comes across.’

I reiterated that I needed to find my way of expressing anger, and she offered to find some exercises we can do together.

I canceled my appointment with my t today because I'm tired and haven't showered and just.... can't

t e-mailed me and said hey how about tomorrow? t doesn't work on Fridays so I was surprised. but I feel like t thinks I'm not doing well, try to put me in the hospital, idk. I'm scared but I said ok and we are meeting at 2. I already don't want to go

It looks like the therapist I had been planning on seeing is going on maternity leave in 2 weeks, and then will be gone for 6 weeks. I really want to see her so I guess I’ll wait 2 months for an appointment. I’m kind of struggling, but I think I can hold on. I just don’t know what other options I have.

I forgot how hard group therapy is for me. Not being able to ask questions in front of other people. Not being able to process new info and unexpected feelings directly with t. Hearing ts personal anecdotes about all of the people in his life. I came home feeling disoriented, jittery and panicky. Maybe even a rare dose of dissociation? I feel weird. Want to talk to t have having a hard time putting into words what is happening with me.

Something happened, only u will understand but I can't talk to u about it!

I recall those feelings; sometimes I still feel them when I hang with a nontherapy related group.

I think group therapy is objectively hard because it pings just tons of interpersonal things that individual therapy doesn't. I started group therapy as an adjunct to individual therapy (with a different therapist) early when I started dealing with my past, and it was a survivor's group. I really wanted to deal with my interpersonal stuff but it wasn't right for me, either I wasn't ready or the therapist or group wasn't a good fit. About a year later I tried a support group for survivors that started off as a finite time with a leader, but then we continued meeting for as long as I reminded in that community (7 years) and they continued on. It was really, really good for me and felt like it healed little places in me and facilitated my self compassion and acceptance in ways individual therapy couldn't touch.

So I think there is great potential benefit to group work, when it's right for you. So I'd encourage you to keep going, talk about it with your T, and cut yourself some slack because it is really hard and probably will be for awhile. Always brave to try new things in the service of healing, no matter what they are, as it's always okay to stop if it's not the right time or thing.

I'm decided to see T today at 2. I am feeling nervous. if y'all want u may ride in my pocket...

I took a shower so that is good

I'll hop in, JDNA.

I'll hop in JunkDNA

me too! i’m glad you decided to see him, and good job on the shower

Gonna do a write up of both sessions, will split it in two posts.

We had a call on Monday since I hadn't been doing too well. In the first session, first I gave him my journal, which contained all the memories that came up in the last few days. He had suggested I could write it down on Monday. He asked what I wanted to talk about.

I said that my teacher, to whom I had written about possibly meeting up before I start working, had gotten back to me. I'd go meet him next Tuesday and I even have the possibility to join him for a lesson if I want that.

I mentioned that there had been a sentence in the teacher's email that bothered me. I had kept it pretty superficial, mentioning that he'd been my teacher for a while, what I had been up to since then, and so on. The guy wrote back and said that he remembered well that we used to go out for lunch 'in a difficult phase'. That bothered me, since that's what you tell a teenager. My mom used to tell me I was just going through a phase when I wanted to cut my hair short. As soon as I moved out, I cut my hair and I've been happier with it ever since. The word phase somehow means to me that it's a finished period in time. Which this thing I talked about with the teacher is not, it still bothers me to this day.

T asked what I'd like to talk about when I meet the teacher. I didn't really know. He asked whether I wanted to say that I'm not done with that phase yet, but that's not really what I'm going for.

Then we discussed that I'm nervous about sitting in a lesson. I mentioned how hard it always was for me to find somebody to team up with if there were group assignments. I was usually the one that had to join an already established group. So T took the opportunity to discuss how it might be at my first job. How people might go out for lunch and I can just join them, how it's okay if sometimes people don't want you to join, that it doesn't mean they'll never hang out with you again, and so on. He stressed that a whole lot. I also mentioned that I struggled with the lunch thing less in college, though group assignments were still an issue, there's more than one class I dropped simply because it required group work and I was too shy to ask anyone to work with me.

I then completely changed the topic and asked whether I can trip (i.e. do psychedelic drugs) on my medication. T said he wasn't sure. He already knows what I usually take, confirmed with me that it acts on serotonin receptors and then discussed a bit what to look out for. But ultimately he said that I'll probably not die and that it's just a thing you have to figure out with experience. I found it funny how he said 'a normal doctor would probably just say no, but I really can't do that'.

Second session of the week. I gave him some more notes. He told me he had read the rest. I mentioned how I had been thinking about topics to discuss with my teacher. Lots of normal topics like college, but I'd also like to ask him whether he remembers anything about our discussions over lunch. T asked why. I said it's not really that I care about whether he remembers, but I want to know whether my memories are accurate. Also, I don't really remember a whole lot about those meetings. I talked to that teacher for more than a year, for almost every week. Plus emails. But I remember very, very little. There's things that are almost like a movie, and then there's huge patches of no memories at all. My normal memory works differently, for example from my early college years, I couldn't tell you specifics, but I can remember the overall theme.

We also discussed that I had new memories that I never really remembered before that suddenly keep popping up. T said that's normal, that the mind works that way. That I'm currently thinking a lot about that time and actually am going back to the place where lots of the memories are, so it's normal that things come up that previously maybe didn't enter my mind.

At some point I started crying and shaking. T was quiet until I managed to calm down. He asked whether I was having flashbacks. I told him that at first I kept thinking that he'd not talk to me anymore and abandon me. Then I remembered all of the people who actually did that.

T asked whether that was something that I worried about with the teacher as well. I nodded. He wanted to know what my behavior was like during our lunch meetings. Whether I behaved similarly to the way I act with T, for example lie down and curl up. I said that the most I did was cry, but not very often. T asked how my teacher reacted to my behavior, whether he ever tried to comfort me. I said that it didn't seem like that a whole lot, but one time he hugged me. We also discussed what exactly I remember about these meetings, like topics, whether we ever did small talk, things like that.

I also told T about the emails we used to exchange. I was bullied and the teacher was my 'head' teacher, which means he was the one organizing everything for my class, the one who'd talk to parents and so on (our system is very different from the US system, he basically just has a bit more authority). I told him about the bullying via email almost every day. T asked whether those emails still exist, I said I made a backup but apparently child me only wanted to save the replies, not my actual writing. T laughed. He also asked whether there was already a way to back up data in that year and I said I created DVDs of my data...

T asked whether I thought the stuff that happened with my teacher was okay. I said no. He asked why not. I said first off reports of bullying should be taken way more seriously and it shouldn't be an ongoing thing for over months. Second, I don't think he should have hugged me or have met with me over lunch. And he should have brought me to somebody who actually knows how to deal with my issues.

T agreed with me. He said that the relationship wasn't really what it should be with a teacher. That a teacher shouldn't enter a relationship outside of class with a student, let alone have physical contact with them. He explained this for quite a while. He even compared it to . Though he said my case wasn't as bad from what he could tell, he still said it was clearly very boundary crossing and that the teacher would probably have been fired if anyone found out.

T then mentioned how there's lots of similarities between my relationship with that teacher, my relationship with one of my former friends and my relationship in therapy. He said how he has to be careful not to repeat patterns I had with those people. I said how that sounds like I shouldn't give him my journal anymore (since I wrote a lot of things down in both of the relationships he had mentioned). He said that it's different. That he has to be careful, but at the same time engage with some parts of the pattern. And how it's okay as long as we talk about it any have an open communication.

He also talked about a stone my teacher used to play with, which I took after one of our talks. T said how that symbolizes to him that I need people to physically be around instead of just keeping them in my mind. I mentioned how I did the same thing with some of the stuff T gave me. he said that that's okay but that in the long run the goal would be that I can just have a memory of people that are important to me and that that's enough.

At some point we had to say good bye. He told me to be careful when meeting my teacher, to not fall into old habits. And that I could of course still write everything down so he can read it.

T yesterday. Note, so part of this makes sense. T charges for emails that take him longer than 15 minutes to read and respond to, at his hourly rate in 15-minute increments. He's only charged me maybe 5-7 times in nearly 1.5 years and usually just responds for free. But this time, because I sent him two (brief) emails Monday, and he sent me a long paragraph in reply, plus a coping inventory to take, I figured he'd charge me.

Went back and sat down. I almost immediately got teary and said I felt almost like I should apologize for the emails I'd sent him Monday night. But then I knew I didn't have to. But I just hated that I was so needy. He said it was OK. Then I was like, "And I know you're going to charge me for it, and it's OK, but I'm sort of mad at myself for it, like I should have just emailed and said 'never mind, we can talk Thursday.' And I hate when you just tell me at the end of session you're charging me for an email, because then it's an awkward ending, so I'd rather know now." T: "I didn't charge you for it." Me: "You didn't?" T: "It didn't really take me that long. The COPE Inventory, I just copied and pasted from somewhere. I mean, it was a bit borderline on time, but I also know you had the extra session last week, so I'm trying to be mindful of your finances." Me: "Oh...thank you, I really appreciate that."

I said I'd filled out the inventory on how I coped with things and handed him a copy (I also had a copy). We both took out our reading glasses. I said I'd had trouble answering parts because it's like sometimes I do one thing, other times another thing that seems the opposite. Like sometimes I might obsess about the problem, other times use distractions to push it away. He said that's pretty common, that it might depend on the nature of the problem. And he said he didn't like how the regular test is scored, because it suggests that certain coping mechanisms are good and some are bad, while he feels it depends on the situation. Like if someone always used distractions and never faced a problem, could be an issue. But it's also not good to just obsess on something, which is something that I can end up doing. Talked some more about my answers.



Me (starting to cry): "I guess...I know realistically that this isn't why you sent the inventory to me. But I worry that you think I'm relying on you too much to cope, that you think I'm too needy, so you were sharing this so I'd find other ways. So that I won't bother you so much." T: "You aren't bothering me." Me: "OK, but I still feel bad about it. I mean I reach out to friends, too, for support." T: "I know you do, that's good. And it seems like they really help you." Me: "Yeah, but I worry I'm bothering them, too." T: "If you have a reciprocal relationship with them, where you also support them when they're having problems, then they're not going to think you're bothering them." Me: "But sometimes, if they're dealing with something of their own, I feel bad bothering them with my stuff." T: "Then you can both cry together." Me: "yeah, I guess so."

I said through tears how I'd been thinking recently that maybe I could have reduced session frequency, but then last week, I needed an extra session and I've emailed him a couple times in the past couple weeks. T: "I wouldn't base how you're doing on session frequency." Me: "OK." T: "And remember, improvement isn't linear." Me: "Yeah, I know...it's just hard when I think I'm doing better, then something happens like I need an extra session." T: "But you are doing better in some areas." Me: "Yeah, I guess so, I feel that I am. And...I try other stuff first before emailing you, I hope you realize that." T: "I do." Me: "Though I guess there have been a few times recently where you said you had expected me to email but I didn't. Where I was just able to sit with it until next session. So I guess that's progress?" T: "I certainly think so. Being able to sit with your feelings? That's a good thing." Me: "OK."

I said how a big conflict with ex-T had been, near the end of my seeing her, when she said I still seemed to have some much anxiety and depression. And it felt like she'd thought I hadn't improved, and it really hurt, because I thought I had. T: "Did you ask her for a refund?" Me: "No, maybe I should have!" I said I verified with H and ex-MC that they thought I'd improved, and they felt I had. So it helped. And it helped that T thinks I'm improving, too. He said I need to trust what I'm feeling inside, that if I feel like I'm improving, that's what counts the most. I said in some ways I felt I was.

Me: "But then also I guess I feel like I keep failing with the drinking, like I'll do better for a few days, then something will happen and I resort to that." T: "The way I see drinking for you is that medications don't help you much with anxiety. So you go to drinking to cope." Me: "Yeah...and I don't really want to resort to benzos, as that could cause its own problems." T: "Right. Plus you have some positive associations with drinking." Me: "Yeah, like hanging out with H or relaxing. So I guess it's complicated." T: "It's definitely complicated." Me: "I feel like...I don't know, like it's a symptom. And I need to take of stuff from the inside out, like fix stuff inside of me first. If I just focus on the drinking, I don't think it will last." T agreed. Me (seeing T surreptitiously grabbing his phone, so we could schedule): "I know we have to stop, we can talk about that more next time." T: "OK!"

Confirmed Monday and Thursday, then he said we could schedule the following Monday. T: "I don't want to mess up and put someone in your spot." Me: "But this coming Monday is a holiday, I figure your schedule is different, it's not a big deal." T: "But if I'd have put you in first, then I could have scheduled around you." Me: "Oh...OK." Scheduled for the following Monday.

Threw my pile of tissues away (note related to recent thread: no other tissues in trash can, just a candy or granola bar wrapper), then went over and paid. T shook my hand as he said, "Take care, LT." Me: "Thanks, you too." This seems like such a minor thing, but he usually says something else while shaking my hand (like "Good luck out there" or "have a good weekend"), then will sometimes add "take care" as I'm walking out. It felt meaningful that he said it as the main parting words, because I'd been pretty upset in session.

I feel one of the biggest parts of this session was that I really let my emotions out a few times. I was really weepy with him in early December when dealing with the ex-MC stuff, and it helped to get that out. But for some reason, I'd barely cried--maybe just tearing up a little--in session since then. It was like I was holding back for some reason, because I might end up crying at home, but not in there. So the fact that I was really kind of sobbing a few times at beginning and end, that release helped. And he seemed very caring, in the way that he spoke to and looked at me during those moments. Which meant a lot. Not quite ex-MC "holding with the voice" and "hugging from across the room" levels, but like T's version of that (as he's said, he's caring but not "warm and fuzzy" like ex-MC is). Not that I want or need to be sobbing in every session, but it's more that I seemed to be holding back, and I let go. And also expressed some fears, like that I was bothering him, that he thought I was being too needy, etc. I know much of that is likely projection, but his reassurance helped.

ETA: Responses ok, either here or in PM.

Thank you for posting LT.I always look forward to reading your session summary.

I can notice the difference and the growth in your posts.

Letting go, asking for what you need, that sounds like the good stuff of therapy. Thanks for giving us a window into it.

So this was the session that was meant to repair all the bad feeling I'd had. Ii guess t thought I was mad she was off a week and sick. I told her that didnt annoy me but i was relieved i didnt have to face her. She wanted to know more about what had upset me and i explained it a bit. As i thought, t had à reasonable explanation for what she meant. She said she cant always reassure me as shes not always available and that she will try her best. I dont thi k this is what she meant at the time though as I rarely text her for non scheduling and dont email so it's not like I ever ask for reassurance.

I told her I took issue with the idea that she would decide for me what is best for me. She said if she thought it was anxiety speaking then she may not respond. I asked if she genuinely thought that would help and she had no answer.

We discussed ex t 1 for a bit and her cancer diagnosis. It really shouldn't affect me but I do hope she is ok. It seemed a safe topic to discuss.

I told her I knew part of the issue was I hated feeling vulnerable and it was easier being angry so i could avoid feeling this but that i still felt tricked into telling her things. She said that she thought some of the trust was damaged and she hoped we could repair it. She was glad i came (i bet so $$$$)

All in all i still feel very cautious and a bit meh.

Replies ok

Yesterday's session: T came and got me on time at 7 PM. We walked back to her office together. She said again how much she liked my Christmas card. It had an angel and a bird on it, and she put it in her planner so she could look at it all year long. That made me feel good. We talked about my depression and how long this low dip has been. Honestly I don't know, but it has been a while. We talked about my sleeping a lot and not doing things I used to enjoy. She asked me how much I'm sleeping. She said depression does have physical effects but that it can also be an escape so the question is what is so painful that I want to escape so much? IDK. I just do. So we talked about my SH. That made me happy. Then I talked about my skin wanting to be and how it literally hurts. She asked how so? I said it throbs. She said to hold that thought and to follow her fingers while she did some eye movement work. We did this three times. I dissociated for a while. We talked about TV. Movies. Books. Alice in Wonderland. AI. How the world is getting worse with terrorism and such and what happens to our bodies after which is something she's worried about but I'm not. We talked about God talking to me. I'm glad she didn't say it was a hallucination because it was not. She seemed to believe me and affirm that. I dissociated quite a bit for a while. Things got blurry. She asked me how I was doing? I told her I was dissociated. She said let's try to get you back. She said to focus on my breathing and how I felt in the chair. We did the eye movement thing two times and then it was time to leave. The receptionist wasn't there when I got there, nor when I left so I couldn't pay or make another appointment. I'm kind of stressed that I don't have another appointment. I feel heard from my appointment. I'm starting to feel more attached to her. I'm not sure she is helping me or can help me. I'm not sure about the eye movement thing. I will know more in a couple days how I feel about the session. She said I'm wise and I have a quiet strength to do the right thing. She also said life isn't all skittles and fish which I found funny. That's all I can remember right now. I may remember more later. If so I will post it.
Comments welcome.