In Session Today: Part VI

Echoes your therapist is doing something caring, quite the opposite of what it may seem. You've idealized him a lot and for a long time. It's not surprising that addressing it (ie the artificial quality of the relationship) leads to anxiety buy I think he's doing it for your benefit, for sure.

I think you are missing something about what's happening. We have always, always discussed the disparity between my feelings and the reality. I am well aware of the transference nature of my feelings and we discuss it a lot. I don't get the sense my therapist is doing something uncaring and I'm not sure where you read that. I also don't think he's talking about the "artificial quality" of the relationship.

My issue with him last session was around the inconsistency in approach but we resolved that yesterday. I don't get the sense he is doing anything different to what he has always done, nor do I think I am under any illusion about the nature of my feelings towards him.

Thanks for taking the time to post but you have missed the thrust of the session I think.

We wanted so badly to be able to connect with T today. She's been away.
We blabbed on and on about some stuff. T made comments here and there. We couldn't look at her. We wanted to be away from her.
We talked about the nothingness of growing up unloved, unwanted, rejected by those who were supposed to have rescued us from rejection. But instead just used that as a poisoned weapon, and as security against disclosure of their own atrocities.

T was there, T listened as we babbled on and on, but we couldn't see her and couldn't find her.

When time was almost up there was an overpowering grief inside us. The grief of missed connection. She offered to do our end-of-session grounding exercise with us. She offered to do a different one. She turned away from us and started, but it immediately triggered a traumatic memory. We managed to say "Do the other one." She did the other one. While she read through it we sat there frozen and terrified, stuck in flashback. We were supposed to do the exercises as she said them. She didn't notice, kept on reading through.

When she finished we stood up and left.

I've never posted in session today, I tend to have always kept it private and also kind of felt the need to keep my T private aswell.. I also had slight paranoia that my T would stumble across it but if that's the case, I'm sorry but I don't know what else to do.

However I just think I need to write, get I'm trying to cope and keep my mind busy before I really do loss it. I've never felt so hopeless about live and I'm basically just trying to put one foot in front of the other.

So we had our last session Tuesday. We discussed trying to keep it light, have a chat and just end on a positive goodbye. We been through a lot over the 2 years working together, I feel we had a good bond and connection and I wanted it to end with gratitude, and nicely.

This didn't really happen. I woke the morning of session, full of panic, cried allday whilst waiting and by the time I got to the session i was a mess. She kept to her side and was there with a smile and a coffee ready for a chat and catch up.
At that point when I sat down I knew it wasn't gonna end well, like there was no way I could keep composure and hold down the panic... maybe I last 2/3 minutes of general pleasantries.
I then started to shake which lasted the whole session, we tried to breath but I was uncontrollable in that moment. Basically I spent the session, asking and trying to find a way to keep going, even if it meant once a month just something. She remained firm and said she didn't think that would be in mybedt interests and that she believed I needed a clean break and to find another T to work through the pain this goodbye is causing. So basically we went back and forth with that mostly, I then got it in my head that I couldn't leave the room and that I couldn't just let her go, so we spent the remainder trying to convince me that I could. To walk away I thought was the hardest thing, but actually it's getting worse every minute.
She was originally going to schedule a phone call or two, to ease me into it as she knows my fear of goodbyes abd abandment but towards the end said that she will not do that as she things it will put me in further turmoil over this.
I think that's what I'm also struggling with, yes maybe she is right, but for me in this moment I still need something to cling to, and now I feel I have nothing and I dunno what to do with that.
The end itself was left on a hug, I felt myself wanting to cling and could feel my grip about to go tight but thankfully I kept some control, it was a brief hug but honestly I didn't want her to let go.
We went over for a few minutes because I needed coaxing out the room, there was someone in the corridor which I think was a blessing because i knew I couldn't say or do anything with others watching... I heard her tell me to take care but I couldn't look or speak to her that one last time so I think I just kept walking.
I do have regrets on this session, to have such a good relationship with someone who helped you through the worst moments In you life needed I think a nicer ending, but I was too upset to do that.
In fact I think it was always gonna end that way!

Now though, I'm lost... scared... alone and without that person I turn to in my hour of need! The person that kept me going!

I'm going to back up and just say-I don't think you have an artificial relationship with your T. I was thinking only of the transference, which I may view a bit differently.

What I was trying to say is related to something I've talked about a lot on the forum but didn't explicitly state. Instead, I think I was responding as if you knew what i was talking about (as if you could read my mind), so sorry about that!

I felt as though I was speaking a foreign language for most of today’s session. R reassured me that she appreciated reading the article. I told her that the Critic had been loud over the last few weeks. She asked what I meant by that, and I explained the difficulty I have been experiencing in terms of not being able to articulate my feelings.
‘I don’t want to be controlled by the Critic.’
R asked what not being controlled by the Critic would look like. I talked about being able to speak freely and clearly: ‘There has to be a line between where we ended up in November and hiding’, and then said ‘I wrote something over the break…’
‘I don’t know why it’s relevant, but this was written on the 17th of December. I want to try and share it with you.’
‘Do you want to read it?’
‘That is what I meant by “Try and share”’
I did pretty well and flaked at the beginning of the second paragraph. I passed her the piece of paper and she remarked that the last line was particularly clear in me articulating what I need.
‘Once a writer, always a writer.’
‘Does that mean that you have employed techniques in structuring a persuasive piece of writing, or does this reflect how you really feel?’
‘It reflects how I really feel.’
I remarked that I have been struggling with anger lately at inappropriate times. R gently pointed out that I had described a whole process based on how I felt my anger would be perceived. She asked me how I would feel if my music tutor said ‘Sorry, I have just thought of something that made me feel really angry. Can we stop for a second?’
‘That would be fine.’
We talked a bit about how I might word a request for some space to process something, and R asked how I was feeling at that moment, because recognising how you feel is integral to being fully present. She referenced an event last Easter which showed some of my ‘inner turmoil.’
I mentioned that I was feeling over an upcoming significant date. ‘I can use the word significant if I want to.’ R asked whether I was feeling anticipation or dread. I responded with the latter. Then a conversation with the Critic ensued, regarding whether there is any particular difference if I relive January 2011 every night. I swallowed a lot of my fear, though, and I couldn't really get at what I wanted to say.
‘Regardless of whether it happened as I was led to believe or not, something still happened.’
R acknowledged that as the first time I have said something that sounded like me accepting my feelings. ‘And then there’s what you said earlier, about realising that you are so in tune with others’ needs that you hurt yourself in the process.’
We talked about the differences between the two experiences and how I feel as though something broken when I discovered it wasn’t true.
R highlighted that there seemed to be a clarity about me this time, having had three weeks’ thinking time.

I saw T this morning. He came out and got me, went back and sat down in the chair. He asked how I was doing and I told him that I was exhausted because I only slept 3.5 hours last night. T. asked what I was doing that late at night. We talked about how I was cleaning because of the mice problem and how my little ones were awake forever. He asked when do I normally wake up and when I answered he said that it wasn't much sleep at all...if any. I talked about how last night I told H that I wasn't going to go to my session this morning because I was mad that he can just cancel his therapy sessions without regard. T asked how I felt now that I came, and I told him that I was feeling okay. Started talking about where my head went yesterday.
We discussed how that response makes me feel invalidated by people. He asked if I feel like he does this to me and I said no, because I can talk about the feelings instead of being told to shut up. We got on the subject of H again and the SA, how he tells me that my butt and boobs are his and he doesn't want me to change them. We spent most of the session talking about that. When we had about 10 minutes left we started talking about how there's other things I'd like to talk about but this stuff with H takes over the session. He said He feels this double edged sword with me, that I feel like I don't want to give H the power to be in my therapy session (as in talking about it) vs wanting to discuss what he's done to me. With a few minutes left I stopped talking and T tried to prod me to say what I was thinking. I just told him that it was stupid and we didn't have the time to discuss it. He asked why it was coming out at the end of session instead of the beginning. I said that I'd rather leave and cry then walk in and start crying...because if I cry then I can't talk. Of course by then it was really time to leave and he said we'll end it there and see you Monday. What I wanted to tell him was that I feel like a burden to him and everyone else, and I don't deserve to come see him 3x a week because all I do is complain about H.

i get that you don’t want to give H so much power in session by talking about him, but it’s a big thing you are going through.

Had both of my sessions this week. In the first one, I got him up to speed on all the things that have happened over Christmas and his time off.

On Thursday (in between my two sessions), I decided to go visit my old high school. I took a walk around it, had a few flashbacks, but was generally able to deal well with it.

When I saw T on Friday, I was mostly dissociating when I got there. He had to ask me multiple time why I seemed so upset. I told him about the visit and that I've been drinking a lot since then. I think he asked some more questions, but I started to hyperventilate and couldn't hear him for a while. So we worked on getting me to calm down for the first 15 minutes or so.

T asked whether I was upset because of the memories that this had brought up. I agreed that this might be a possibility. We continued talking more about the visit, where exactly I had been, what kind of things that I got reminded of. He was very careful not to push me to talk too much and listened a whole lot. I felt better after seeing him, although I still had to spend some time on my own.

I think I found a new therapist. It is another female therapist. Based on her online staff photo she appears to be much younger than the last two therapists I had. I have issues with 60 year old women therapist. My doctor recommended her to me because she specializes in autism just like he does, and I guess he thinks she will be a good match for me. I am waiting back to see when she’ll have an opening. I’m still kind of hesitant about therapy after how the last session went. But I’m sure I’ll be fine.

I saw T today after the weekend. Came in and sat down. As usual he asked me how it was going. I told him that I wasn't really sure, something about how I was done adulting today. He laughed at that and said that at least I was there at session and I agreed. I told him that a few weeks ago I talked about how I needed to make an appointment for my annual physical and that I had that appointment today. We talked about how the appointment went, that my doctor is testing me for rheumatoid arthritis because my mom has it. He said he didn't know I had issues with my hands and laughed again that I was cracking my knuckles. I told him that my doctor looked at the SH I had and knew that I had went in on Friday for SH. T asked how did my doctor know that I went in on Friday so I told him that I saw a partner of here so it was in my record. He asked if I went after my session on Friday and I said yes, but I'm not sure if T thought that I had SHed after our session or before (It was before but the appointment was afterwards but I didn't mention it to him that day.) After we talked about that, T asked me how I was feeling now that I was there and I told him that I was just on edge. He said he could tell because I seemed really tense. I said I wasn't sure whether or not to talk about something that happened because I didn't want to face the consequences. He commented something about of I'd still have to face the consequences even if I didn't talk about it. I said no, because then I could just hide away from it and ignore it. He encouraged me to talk about whatever it was that was going on.

Near the end of the session he asked me again how I was feeling and if there's anything I think I need from him. At first I said that I wasn't sure what I needed that would be helpful and he said even if I wasn't sure to tell him. I told him I already feel like I don't deserve to come to see him as much as I do and that I feel like I'm being a burden because all I do is talk about my H lately. He told me that some of his clients come once a week others come every day that he's there, that everyone has their way of doing therapy. He asked if I wanted to add another session, at least for this week. I told him that it's already hard enough with Hs work schedule but that he could write down a few times and I'd text him later if I wanted to. I did end up texting him tonight that I'm going to try my best to make it tomorrow at 4. So we shall see what tomorrow's session brings.

About my email from my former T that she sent a couple of days ago:
At first I was glad to hear from her just to know that she is okay, not hospitalized or anything because of her condition. But I found that it wasn't enough. The email didn't make me feel better in terms of missing her or how to move forward with new T. But now that it has been a couple of days, I can hear the caring in her email and I can almost hear her voice, but not quite. I think she wants what is best for me. She mentioned a couple of concerns with a few things of new T, which I was able to take into consideration. One of the things is the infrequency of sessions with new T, which a few of my friends here on PC have also mentioned that I might think about increasing the frequency of sessions. It's something to talk to new T about. As for missing her, she acknowledged it, and I don't think there is another way through it besides how I am going, which is just through it, one day at a time. I feel a little better about the email now. It's always good to hear from her. I wish she hadn't waited so long to respond, but the fact that she responds at all, when she doesn't have to, is in itself, remarkable. I wish she could help me more with the pain of missing her. But I don't know how she would actually accomplish that. For now, I'm not going to email her again, at least not for a few weeks. I will try to go longer, if I can be stronger, and so I don't have to go through this anguish. But I know eventually I will want to hear from her again. I need to try to "bond" with new T so I don't need to rely on former T. I just really really do not want to feel this kind of hurt again. So it keeps me at arm's length from new T. And I'm not sure that's really good for me in the long run either. Kit

Note: The topic of my T session yesterday involves my being unfaithful to my H 3 years ago. I told H shortly after it happened, and we decided to work on things (and continued marriage counseling for a while after that). I'm completely fine with people commenting on my T session itself, but please don't share judgments on the mistake I made, as I cannot go back in time and am still struggling with what I did.

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. Started discussing snowstorm. I said how on the news, they kept saying this was our first big January snow since January 2016. Me: "And it's like I keep flashing back to what happened around that time, the being unfaithful to my H. Snow is all tied up in my memories of that time. Like I took D out to play in the snow so that I could talk to ex-T on the phone. I called ex-MC at 2 a.m. while sitting out back in the snow. Seeing the snow on our back deck kind of is triggering me. And I started getting emotional last night about it, but just played it off as being tired/stressed from snow."

I'd started crying when I shared that with T. T: "You seem to get really emotional whenever that topic comes up. It makes me wonder if you've really forgiven yourself." Me: "I don't think I have... I guess maybe we need to discuss it more."

T asked about whether I felt I'd learned something from it. Saying that one way to forgive oneself is to realize you've learned from something and have changed as a result. I said I guess I had in the sense that I don't intend to repeat it. Me: "Like, if I'm talking to someone in a bar now, I'm mentioning my H and flashing my wedding ring...though I guess the other guy knew I was married...but it's more that I might be talking to someone but don't have the thought of 'oh maybe we could hook up.' I mean, not like in the bar or something, but like, 'let's go to a hotel.' But I don't have that thought."

T said that sounded like I'd learned and changed from it. Me: "Yeah. Like I was looking for something from that experience. I'm not entirely sure what. Like I almost had this feeling that I had to get something out of my system, then I could move forward with my relationship with H. Like, ex-T said afterward that she thought it was inevitable that I'd eventually cheat. T: "That seems very astute of her. Did she explain why?" Me: "I think because of things I kept doing, like I was heading in that direction. Like, having feelings for that guy in grad school. Then around that time I was at a concert, and I took off my wedding ring. Like thinking maybe something could happen. I've met guys at concerts before, like...this is probably TMI, but I lost my virginity to someone I met at a concert." T: "Did it happen *at* the concert?" Me (laughing): "No, we went on a couple dates first. I'm classier than that!" (I did not mention that I did make out with the guy at the concert...)

Talked about what I'd wanted from the guy I did cheat with. T said how a long-term relationship has certain benefits, but you can't get certain feelings you could get with someone different. Me: "Like...novelty or excitement?" T agreed, saying how if you're with a new person, you don't know what they'll say or do. Me: "Yeah, or what they will look like naked." T said that one generally knows what to expect in longer-term marriage. Me: "Yeah, like if H and I are intimate, it will probably be a particular one or two positions." (I was able to say that without any embarrassment or looking at the floor--I think I've hit some new level in discussing sex with T.) T: "Yes. though there are some benefits with a long-term relationship, too." Me: "Yeah." T: "And people may decide, OK, those benefits are worth the loss of something else." Me: "Yeah."

I said how part of what has made it difficult for me to forgive myself is the lack of repercussions. Me: "Like, H stayed with me. I know I told you this before, but I was worried for a while that, because the protection failed, I'd get pregnant or end up with HIV." T: "Yes I recall you saying that. It felt like you were expecting too much punishment." Me: "But it just seemed like there should have been something lasting, like I deserved that...." T: "I think people often forget how strong psychological repercussions can be for something like this, how much they can affect you." Me: "yeah..." T: "In terms of you punishing yourself." Me: "Yes. How do I stop doing that?"

T said that learning from it is a way to self-forgiveness. That if I've learned and changed my behavior as a result, which it seems I have, then I should be able to forgive myself. Me: "Yeah...I mean, I've learned that hooking up with someone just for sex isn't the answer. But then...with ex-MC, where you'd said my email had suggested 'let's run away together,' if he'd said, 'yes let's do that...' I might have considered it. I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't have lasted, and it would have likely destroyed me, but...Like I realize a purely sexual connection isn't going to solve anything. But at times I wonder if there's a better emotional match for me than H." T: "It could be that's a way you keep yourself distanced in a relationship."

Me: "Yeah, that could be. I mean, I don't believe in the soulmate thing really...like there's someone perfect out there for me." T: "Because that means people would have to be perfect. My sister-in-law would say, 'there are no perfect people, just perfect pets.'" Me: "OK, yeah, that makes sense. Hm...have I had a perfect pet?"

Somewhere in there, T talked about how learning from experience is the most intense form of learning, which is what I had. T: "Like pretty much everyone knows that they should exercise and eat well. Yet only maybe 25% of people exercise regularly. But if someone has a heart attack, it can be a big wakeup call for them. Some will say it's the best thing that every happened to them." Me: "Yeah." T: "Next level is social learning." Me: "Like if a friend had an affair and her husband left her?" T: "Yes, or if someone you know has a heart attack. The most common form of learning is from reading about it." Me: "Like reading the rate of heart attacks for someone who doesn't exercise?" T: "Yes. And it's the least effective. Most people just do levels 1 and 2 of learning, not experiencing it themselves." He said people learn the most from experience though.

This was earlier, but: Throughout session, T kept referring to it as an affair. Me: "I tend to think of an affair as more of an ongoing thing. While this was a one-night stand." T: "You can call it a one-night stand if you want." Me: "That makes me think of a line from Duran Duran's 'Save a Prayer,' 'Some people call it a one-night stand, but we can call it paradise.'" T: "That might not be the best way to frame it!" Me: "Yeah, well, I was just trying to keep my song-quoting streak going." T: "Is that a challenge on the forum? Like, how many songs can you quote in session." Me: "No, but I have mentioned it on there. And I'd think it would be especially impressive if I quoted songs without you realizing it. But not challenge." T: "I don't know, I could see you being like, 'I hit 23 in a row today!'"

T did ask if anything positive came out of what happened with the cheating. I said I guess I realized how much ex-T and ex-MC cared, from how much they supported me. T said that was positive. I said I guessed so, thinking (but not saying) that neither of them are in my life anymore, so...I also said how some friends I'd told about it had been accepting (though not all), and T said that was good, suggested they were really good friends. I agreed.

He was saying again that if I learned from it, it's a way to forgive myself. I said I wasn't sure that was enough for me and asked what other ways are to forgive myself. T said how there are many books out there on self-forgiveness. I wanted to be like, "But I don't want books, I want you to help me."

We were out of time (I pointed it out). Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday and Thursday. Went over to pay. Shook hands as he said, "Have a good few days." Me: "Thanks, you too."

Ended up sending him an email that evening, because I was feeling really bad about myself. He responded in a caring way this morning and included a modified version of the COPE inventory to fill out and bring to next session (it's about ways that I, well, cope). He offered earlier session or "if there is something else you need to help you through this tough time." Which meant a lot to me. I'm going to try to stay with scheduled Thursday session (partly because I'm having lunch with a friend I met in autism parenting group tomorrow--second time I'm seeing her).

She'd had an emergency and couldn't meet last session. She has no idea how much panic I have felt for a week not knowing if she was ok. I wanted to tell her how much I worried about her but couldn't. She shared the nature of the emergency with me and it was pretty serious. I was grateful she shared it with me and I was so relieved when I saw her smiling face and that she was ok.

It's strange to care this much about a T. She's the 8th one I've seen in my life & I never cared about any of them outside normal courtesy.

I didn't have to share any of my holiday season emotional rollercoaster either because she brought up an unexpected topic that we focused on for the session. I'm glad because I'm not ready to admit how much I need her and all of my insecurities about that yet.

From yesterday:

I asked him what was up as he was smiling at me much more. He said that we had entered a new stage, where I'd stopped being hostile and angry and that it was nice.

I spent a lot of the session talking about a few recent instances where people have misused power in ways I have found upsetting. He was very validating, particularly around my feelings about my proposed research supervisor, who is someone who I have clashed with before, and whom I would never have a conversation with again unless I recorded it (my previous clash with her involved her denying my experience of what happened and what was said). He told me I shouldn't have to work with someone I don't find trustworthy and he helped me make a really important distinction in that she invalidated my experience twice- she invalidated my experience of what happened in the room with her and also invalidated my feelings about what I had been talking about by saying I had said something else.

We linked my feelings about power and authority to a few things including when I was in 6th form and I was shoved in a room with a teacher and told to "resolve your differences". T said "as though you were equal" which I found very validating. It was a hugely unequal and unfair situation.

We also linked it to my Dad and I said how he wielded power and I never felt like my feelings or rights were respected at all. T said he had never heard me talking so strongly about my father before. I am usually very protective of him because I value my relationship with him. I took this as permission (I don't know why I felt I needed it) to go deeper into my feelings about being my father's daughter and how he was so strict with me because he was a single parent and just didn't know what to do with me when I was a teenager. How that led to me running away etc.

There were 15 minutes left. I asked if he thought there was time to look at his session notes from my first ever session with him. He said yes if I wanted to. I said "can I have a hug first?" So we stood up and he hugged me tight. He said "it's been an intense session" I said "Yeah I needed to hug it out I think".

I read his notes. I can't believe how much I told him in the first session. It was mostly biographical (and there were a couple of inaccuracies) but it was so comprehensive.

At the end he wrote:

That last line seems particularly accurate.

We discussed some of what he had written. Then we reached the end. I asked if I could keep it and he said yes "and treat it with discretion and caution" i replied "or take a photo of it and send it to [friend], whichever." He laughed and said yes it is mine to do what I like with.

He gave me a sheet of paper with his holiday dates on. He's only gone for two weeks this year. One in February and one in June.

Weirdly I can't remember if I paid him, and i can't remember if we hugged at the end as we normally do. I can't understand why I don't remember because we were just chatting about holidays so I won't have been dissociative.

He wished me luck with something I'm doing this weekend and I left. I emailed him after to ask whether I paid and he hasn't replied yet.

So I went to T. I really don't like her but whatever. She wants me to journal which I'll start the mood/thought/event chart tonight. She wants me to take a walk or do sit ups any time I want to hurt myself. I’d be doing sit-ups all day. That’s kinda the point though isn’t it? I’m learning I complain about the boys to much and I really need to stop. She says I’m enabling but everyone has roles in a household, right? I didn’t tell her about how my depression feels. She asked if I wanted to hurt myself I could only shake my head yes and she asked if I needed the hospital I shook my head no and squeaked out “I wouldn’t do anything.” I would do anything to get rid of this pain. I know that’s a slippery slope. It sucks knowing a couple solutions but being unable to do them because they frowned upon. It’ll just make it look like I’m doing worse than I actually am. She made sure I have a Pdoc appointment. I don’t see the point in doing this anymore. I kinda just want to fade away anyway. Why can’t I just do that? Why is that wrong? She’s already frustrated with me and it’s the 3rd time I see her. I’m the best at introductions. (sarcasm).

Today’s session was a good way of addressing the aftermath of the 15th. R arrived and explained that there had been a chicken walking down the pavement as she was driving in. She isn’t overly keen on birds. We sat down and she asked how I had been.

‘This week has been gruelling.’
‘Gruelling?’
‘Tuesday was hard.’
‘What was Tuesday?’
‘Tuesday was the significant date I mentioned.’

I explained that it had been harder than I thought – stomach ache, restlessness and a severe headache yesterday.
‘And you are attributing all of that to this one day?’
‘I don’t recall so many physical symptoms before.’

I explained that I met a friend on Sunday. ‘Friend is too small a word for what this person is.’
‘Somebody very important to you, then?’
‘She was supporting me at uni when the photos came.’
‘So she has an understanding of what you have been through.’
‘Yes, and yet when she asked me how I was, I said “Work is going well.”’
‘So you didn’t want to expose her to that, and you didn’t answer her question?’
‘Eventually, she asked in a little more detail…not pushy, but…’
‘Gentle probing?’
‘Yes, the Critic was present, arguing whether the date is truly significant, but I eventually said I needed to ask her something.’
I couldn’t get the words out, so she asked me whether I wanted her to text me. R asked whether knowing that I was in mind on that day would have been helpful to me, and wondered whether I would have felt worse if I hadn’t asked for that additional support. I said that I’d told my friend about the experiences of asking R for post-it notes, and R said that she hoped the more I asked for things, the easier it might become.
We talked about how I am more used to sadness than anger.
‘Is anger less comfortable because it is a newer emotion, or because it is less easy to express?’

I replied that it was a little of both. We went on to talk about and list ways in which people express anger. I laughed as I talked about growling, and R wondered whether I was embarrassed. I explained that I express anger so infrequently that it comes across as funny to other people. R replied that she has heard me swear in session, and it does not strike her as funny. I explained that it is probably because people aren’t used to hearing that from me. At some point the Critic entered and R highlighted the fact that I had turned away from her whilst fending off the Critic. I tried to get the words out twice before I ultimately said ‘What I mean is, did you get my email?’

She confirmed that she did, and apologised for not responding. Then the conversation returned to my feeling that anger, expressed well, should not affect anyone. She gave examples of slamming doors, and if somebody drove into her car. I said it was alright to express anger at somebody driving into your car.

‘I am having trouble justifying my anger.’ I continued. I brought some of this on myself. I reiterated that the ideal anger, if there is such a thing… ‘It’s your new theory’, doesn’t hurt anybody else. I observed that 'There seems to be a crossover between interpersonal and situational anger.'

R said that she would keep that as an observation.


R asked me something like ‘What would you do with your anger, in an ideal world? No magic wand, that doesn’t exist, but…’

‘In an ideal world I would like them to know that they hurt me, but that’s evident from ‘She knows you worry and ‘I didn’t want to tell you this, but.’

‘That is when I hear the most anger from you.’

‘Going back to what I said earlier, I trust you, and I don’t want my expressions of anger in this space to affect you.’

R explained that anger directed at her would not be acceptable, but anything below that level is fine.

‘I trust you and yet I want to protect you from my darkest imaginings.’

‘That comes across.’

I reiterated that I needed to find my way of expressing anger, and she offered to find some exercises we can do together.

I canceled my appointment with my t today because I'm tired and haven't showered and just.... can't

t e-mailed me and said hey how about tomorrow? t doesn't work on Fridays so I was surprised. but I feel like t thinks I'm not doing well, try to put me in the hospital, idk. I'm scared but I said ok and we are meeting at 2. I already don't want to go

It looks like the therapist I had been planning on seeing is going on maternity leave in 2 weeks, and then will be gone for 6 weeks. I really want to see her so I guess I’ll wait 2 months for an appointment. I’m kind of struggling, but I think I can hold on. I just don’t know what other options I have.