The discomfort between sessions and emails

Certainly OP has their own opinion and understanding about it but the way I understood it, OP wasn't exactly using emails to share information but rather found themselves writing angry and out of bound stuff and I believe that is the main reason why the T stopped responding.

To me (and I am obviously not a T but I can still form opinions based on my own experience and what I have been reading, right), this suggests to some kind of borderline dynamics, not BPD but personality features according to psychoanalytic formulation. I think there is a huge difference between object consistency seeking behaviour and hostility and rage stemming from borderline features. While in the former case it might be appropriate to acknowledge the emails, I believe in the second case it would be far more important to work towards directing the hostility and rage into the sessions where it can be worked with, rather than letting it float freely in the space between sessions and facilitate it with email responses.

To me the best way to move forward in this situation is try to get this 2nd session per week going and continue to talk about this email issue in sessions. Changing therapists could be an option too but considering that the rage and hostility is lurking somewhere there, then I don't think it would be helpful to find someone who does not allow these feelings to surface because these feelings quite certainly give some symptoms elsewhere in life.

OP- Are you saying he used to be ok with emails and now he isn't? Or are you saying that he never welcomes emails but you wish he would? If he previously responded to emails and he doesnt anymore I can see why the inconsistency would be hard to process.

I completely agree - I think it is a bit of soul searching for the OP to determine what/which is going on here because the what/which does dictate to some degree the intervention the T uses.

He used to respond with kindness and reassurance, then decided to stop. The fact that he used to respond is definitely what makes the non-responses so hard.

I most definitely have been using emails all along to share and process things more deeply. This has been my primary use of emails. I have found that I am pretty uncomfortable talking about myself in session, but via email, where I don’t have to interpret his looks, tone of voice and silences, I feel much more free to express myself. Most of this has been positive, I think. There has definitely been some negativity and anger (only via email, not in person) which I think has been related to having emotions stirred up in session and then being left alone and feeling abandoned for a week until our next session. Also some of it has been related to feeling close to him, and then the backlash of allowing myself to do that. In my real life I don’t express anger much and I think in all aspects of my life (family, work, friends) people tend to see me as kind and easy to get along with. So it was distressing to me to feel frustrated with my therapist because I felt that he was good, but meeting with him caused so much to be stirred up. He has said that I feel “disorganized” sometimes, but he claims that’s his own word.

I personally wouldn’t work with a t that rigid. I used to have a t like that a long time ago but since I have had more flexible ts and I won’t go back.

I saw my therapist today and asked him again why he no longer replies to emails. It just felt so difficult earlier in the week when it felt like I wouldn’t see him for a while and I was afraid that I was starting to get all negative. I told him I felt bad about sending an email asking him to reply, and he said, “you felt bad being vulnerable and expressing a need?” He thinks this is coming from a younger place and there is nothing wrong with expressing it. He said he thinks that I have in some way expressed to him that I can tolerate these emotions, but would prefer not to and he thinks it’s important for me to feel the emotions. He said he’s never been comfortable with replying to my emails but did it because he thought he needed to or I’d leave therapy in the beginning. He apologized for the way he communicated the stopping of email replies to me, and said he will always read my emails and will never stop doing that. We’re also starting twice/week next week.

How dense is he? Of course it feels bad to be vulnerable and express a need, only to be met with silence. I mean, duh! I'm not saying I think he should have replied, but really...

As for the other stuff, yeah, I figured his old-school self wouldn't have been comfortable when he was replying.

"He said he thinks that I have in some way expressed to him that I can tolerate these emotions, but would prefer not to and he thinks it’s important for me to feel the emotions"

For me this is where the tension lies. If you think he's right on this and that his method of enabling you to feel is a hard but tolerable one then all's good.

But if you think he's read you wrong and/or his methods ate too harsh then you may need to think again.

I do hope 2x a week helps.

As for him expressing you feel bad because X to be that his just him verbalising it so he's sure you acknowkedge it and own it and not hide behind 'bad'.

I do feel for you as our Ts are very similar esp with the whole email saga but she will, or has to date, responded if I ask are you there kinda of thing.

Your Ts belief as to toleration is a bit like the old NHS bind, unless you actually succeed when you try and kill yourself, it would be because you weren't serious, ill enough, were just being manipulative etc etc etc so you don't actually need any services! Sending strengthing vibes.

To me this seems like the key, in addition to him reinforcing that he's always been willing to read your emails. And you have tolerated the emotions, because your head has not imploded, or at least I assume so given your ability to clearly write a post.

I'm glad you will be able to start 2/week, and I hope it is helps. I think it will.

How do you feel about his saying that he's never been comfortable replying to your emails? I think that would bother me. Out of curiosity, would he be willing to, say, just send a reply saying "Email received"? Or just a blank reply to show he'd read it?

I cant remember if you shared this or not, but were any of your emails inflammatory or angry?

Yes, for sure. Some expressed anger, distrust and skepticism of him. I only did this via email and not in person and I always apologized. I’m hoping I’m past this phase. Most of my anger, I think, has been related to the stress I feel between sessions because of emotions being stirred up during session and then feeling left alone to deal with it. Most of my emails, though, have been about expressing what’s going on for me between sessions and processing what came up during our sessions. He has said this is important and helpful to him. I asked how I know he won’t change his mind about this and suddenly decide not to read my emails and he gave me his word he will never do that.

I told him I was uncomfortable with this and asked how I’ll ever know what else he’s doing with me that’s uncomfortable. Like, what else is he hiding? I particularly asked if he is or ever will be uncomfortable reading my emails and he leaned forward and pretty convincingly said that will never happen. He said he would even like to reply to my emails sometimes, but doesn’t think it’s the right thing for me. He said he initially replied even though that was not the norm because he thought I’d leave therapy without it. He was probably right.

He will not respond to emails other than for scheduling purposes. He was clear about that, but also very kind about it and about understanding my frustration. I do feel hurt by that, but he’s pretty clearly there for me otherwise. He reminded me of a story I had told him about when my son was about 4 and he called me as I was driving to work crying and saying “you didn’t hold my hand” referring to our ritual where I’d hold his hand while he walked down the stairs. Never mind that he was asleep when I left the house or that my husband was home with him. He said it’s ok to have desires like that as an adult (you didn’t reply to my email!) but as we grow up, and certainly as parents, we understand that we’re still there for our kids and still hold them in our minds even when we are not physically there. Not sure if I’m explaining it well, but it sort of made sense to me at the time. Obviously part of me would still like a reply!

Yes, the funny thing is that I think I routinely tolerate lots of difficult emotions without “imploding” but this particular instance is just so tough. The anxiety between session can get to be like nothing I’m familiar with and I feel like it shouldn’t bother me as much as it does.

My therapist said that he thinks I need “someone to push up against” which is strange because I think of myself as a fully functioning adult. As a kid, though, I was exceptionally well-behaved and good and had minimal needs, so maybe this is what’s showing up in therapy. Although of course I’d like him to reply to my emails, I feel strangely comforted by his saying no, explaining it kindly, and still being there. I guess it makes me feel “held” in a way.

The bolded part would describe me as a kid, too. In some ways, I find stuff that I didn't get to express (or feel comfortable/safe expressing) in childhood coming out in therapy. In one way, feeling OK sharing my needs. But also conflicts that I developmentally should have had with my parents as a teen, they seem to come out at times with current T and did with ex-T/ex-MC. So that's maybe going on for you as well.

I'm hoping the 2 times a week sessions will be helpful to you. I never tried that with former T but it might have made me email her less if I had her more to talk to during the week. I'm sure there still would have been the need to express myself especially after a hard session. I tended to think I "contaminated" her or something like that if we had talked about something bad that had happened to me and I needed a lot of reassurance that I hadn't. I suppose I could have waited until the next session but that would have been really hard. The T I have now doesn't email at all, and I do miss it, but I also find in some ways it's easier. I don't have that anxiety over whether or not she'll respond and stuff. But I also don't feel like we are making the same sort of progress. It's a struggle. I appreciate that. HUGS Kit

Well put. Maybe I’ll say this to him next week. I’m not someone who typically asks for things either.

It seems to me very normal for a person to have a high tolerance for certain emotionally charged situations or internal states, yet have a more sensitive spot for others. I think you can let go of what you are "supposed" to be bothered by. In my experience it's helped the intensity of the "wrong" feelings lighten up.

I suspect that those of us who were not allowed to misbehave or (as they say in the south) cause a fuss may often find the anger blooming in therapy. Safe target, maybe, or at least understanding. I think it's clear that your T does not think you are "bad" for asking for replies or writing angry emails. And I'm glad you feel comforted and held, because even if he's not responding like you want him to, he's not ignoring you, shaming you, or trying to get you to do it differently. It sounds like he is patiently listening in and out of session, and trying to work towards helping you-- which may mean not giving you what you want.

The logical part of me is trying to understand what’s going on and I found this quote which I think explains pretty much exactly what he’s doing:

“The good-enough mother...starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure.” (Winnicott, 1953)

Sure is! My T quoted that at me. I was like, truculently, you're outstripping my ability to deal, your methods are too harsh, you're doing now what was done before when i was a real baby etc etc. I was so unamused.

I had to look up the word truculently, Lol. Right now I’m strangely ok with his methods but I reserve the right to change my mind in a few days. Usually about 4 days post-session is when I start feeling all negative.

But now you've got 2 sessions so cross fingers you'll not get there whoop whoop !!

I just asked my T for a second session each week because I only get him eight out of the 12 months of the year as it is. I know he’ll say no but at least I tried.

I hope your second session will help with your anxiety and dealing with all the feels between sessions. Glad you could get it.