I lost count along the way, but it has now been somewhere around 7 or 8 weeks since I woke up on a Sunday morning with a depression that I knew was going to stick around awhile.

My mood has been better in the last week, meaning I haven't been severely sad or constantly tearful. However, I am nowhere near being back to myself. I do not have the motivation to do anything, even with my mood somewhat improved. I have lost my ability to write poetry. All my schoolwork gets done, but it is a terrible struggle. I used to enjoy showers so much-- they were so relaxing to me-- now a shower is just another awful daily chore that I have to push myself to do. Still can't look through the bills and am not interesting in leaving the house. Don't want to engage in any of my passions-- poetry, as I said.... cooking, art, reading.... nothing. Yet, I don't feel as terrible as I did in regards to my mood. I am hurting inside because I miss all the things that made me.... me. I am not myself anymore. I haven't been for about two months now.

What is going on??

[Perna]

I just read, I Had Brain Surgery, What's Your Excuse by Suzy Becker, http://www.amazon.com/Brain-Surgery-...dp/0761124780/ and she's a writer/illustrator and lost her ability to talk, write, use numbers, draw, etc. for quite awhile and did not "feel herself" and your post reminded me of her and the book.

I think things sometimes just take time. It's very frustrating to "wait" and struggle and feel like one is just getting more messed up the more one struggles (or, at least feel like one doesn't get anywhere as a result of one's struggles).

Have you tried going in "another" direction instead of to your "usual" pleasures? Maybe now is the time to explore:

http://poetwithadayjob.wordpress.com...ite-of-poetry/

[ECHOES]

pink, it sounds like you might still be adjusting to your meds. You feel better now than you did and maybe that means you are partway through the adjustment and the rest will come yet.

you also describe what I feel like when I come 'down' off a time of heightened anxiety. I feel kind of in limbo. Hovering, not flying and yet my feet not on the ground.

maybe it's a time for you to just be aware and to explore?

I hope you feel better soon.

[Kiya]

(((((((((((((((((((pink))))))))))))))))))))))

kiya

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pinksoil said:
I am not myself anymore. I haven't been for about two months now.

What is going on??

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Could it be the lithium is interfering with your being you? Sometimes people don't feel themselves on meds. It can be a trade-off. Hope you can discuss with your pdoc and T.

YAH, I am very worried that it has something to do with the Lithium. I was just telling T last week that my biggest fear is that the lithium DOES work and I end up being some flatline lamer or something.

Before the depression set in I:
was writing poetry
was playing my flute again
was drawing portraits
was reading
was doing needlepoint
enjoyed going out
had been organized by way of having a to-do list each day
was even keeping on top of my bank account

Now every single one of those things has gone away, and even more. But the mood is better. Is this still part of depression or is it Lithium? I do not know. I will talk with T tomorrow.

I can barely respond to posts anymore. I only have spurts in which I can respond. I tried really hard this morning and was able to respond to a few posts in different forums. For the most part, I have a really difficult time focusing long enough to read through someone's post. I don't respond because I either can't focus on reading it and don't want to give a half-assed response, or I really feel as though I can't think of anything of substance to say.

Where did I go?

[Cyran0]

pink, I have no advice but I hope you feel better.

Be safe.

Cyran0

what could be going on?

well, one thing is recovery. Don't compare now with "before depression" you too quickly... factor in depression you. It takes a long time to recover from these things, even if our mood makes us "feel better." My stomach feels better, but i cant eat spicy food and my appetite is low... what could be happening?

it's just an example doll... you know i adore you.

it might be the case that "you" take a lot longer to come back because "you" are more than biochemicals, but our moods are mostly such. It might also mean you'll have to work at it, rebuild you from the ground up. A lot of people don't consider this... not saying you specifically, but we tend to think depression is some kind of closet we step in and out of... but it really isn't. Meds often give us our mood back and then we have to work at the rest.

OTOH, sometimes it is a med thing.. i hope not, or at least i hope it's a situation in which you can still rebuild yourself. i do know i took one med a couple of years ago. My mood came back up and even better, the anxiety diminished. Yay right? Not. The anxiety diminished partially because i simply didn't give a %#@&#! about anything. i felt great, but to hell with everything else. No guilt, no regret, no nothing. Some of that would have been cool... but having no conscience whatsoever was less than cool

[MissCharlotte]

Hi ((Pink)),

Pulling my head out of a depression momentarily I can see a similarity in how I have been behaving and your lack of ability to do those things that bring you comfort and enjoyment in life. I have not been able to do anything creative or balance my checkbook either.
For me, I believe it is a combination of depression and the working through of some deeply buried issues I am encountering in therapy.

I hope you can allow yourself some more time to adjust to the lithium. Didn't pdoc say they would add something to it once it balanced out? So, in the meantime maybe you can develop a new, more passive hobby? Like, say, watching a whole slew of John Candy movies? Or all of the Family Vacation movies?

It really feels like you are in the middle of this change, so stay the course and lean on us--we will cheer you up.

So, here's a little pdoc joke to get you started:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Peek-A-Boo

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"
The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

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