[darkside8]

Here I am once again turning anything that could potentially go well in my life to utter destruction...

Planning on telling my T tomorrow that I’m using therapy as a coping strategy. That outside of therapy, our discussions are all I think about. I have always enjoyed analysing, linking and thinking deep about things, which therapy triggers so hard. But this is the best it’s ever been because there’s a real purpose for it I guess - I get to share my insights with someone who gets them and appreciates them, which is only making this process more enjoyable and addictive.

Problem is that it is simply replacing negative thoughts rather than learning to manage/deal with them. Problems that would affect me on an intense level are currently not doing so as much because I just go off and think about our discussions during therapy and what I’ve discovered new through my deep analysing to share with T (which she happens to love hearing). I know that one of the reasons I feel this way is because I’m finally sharing years of thoughts with someone who gets it, however, I am also aware that this isn’t the healthy therapeutic process. I’m not making as much effort at/with work (not great for a teacher who struggles with perfectionism) and just rush through things just so I have enough time to think. I can’t wait for the next session so I can leave with new fresh ideas to think of.

If I quit therapy, I will be at a worse place than I was before I had started because there won’t be a real purpose for those thoughts anymore. Just thinking about going back to life without therapy is overwhelming. I’ll be devastated, yet I continue to use therapy thoughts to help me get through every day. This has been my coping strategy pattern for over a decade. Temporary relief even if it means things get worse once it’s over. I’ll end it by apologising to her at the end.

Reckon this would make sense to her? Should I explain it differently? How may she respond? How may she help?

[Waterloo12345]

How long has it been again? (In this therapy)

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

How long has it been again? (In this therapy)

We’ve had 6 sessions so far - started third week of December. Not been long.

[Waterloo12345]

I'm glad you said that cause it validated my theory

Of course you are really into it, it's new, its fascinating, it's all to do with you. It's like a new toy.

I did the same and my understanding is that it's common particularly for those who might have an intellectualising type defence, perfectionism, workaholism response to trauma.

It took me a while to see what I was doing- being the prefect analysee- and then to make my therapist aware of it so she could call me out. Before that she thought I was the bees knees.

I also used it, and still do to some extent, as an avoidance of life tactic. But, I've recognised this and so try and limit it.

However there are some very useful insights I've gained that gave helped, so it's not all a waste of time, and it's merely supplanted other less functional avoidance mechanisms so....I see it as a win win as long as it is in moderation.

The other thing I thought was that your post was so well argued that I was like what's she running away from? What insights or vulnerabilities are coming to light to lead her into constructing this beautiful argument as to why she should stop therapy? Does that resonate?

Therapy has been very challenging for me but I can see benefits (1 yr later).

It's really affected my work, because I spend so much time recovering but then before that I was not working at all so...needs must.

I've not actually answered your questions only addressed your first 3 lines which I reckon is the nub of the matter

[darkside8]

Originally Posted by Waterloo12345

I'm glad you said that cause it validated my theory

Of course you are really into it, it's new, its fascinating, it's all to do with you. It's like a new toy.

I did the same and my understanding is that it's common particularly for those who might have an intellectualising type defence, perfectionism, workaholism response to trauma.

It took me a while to see what I was doing- being the prefect analysee- and then to make my therapist aware of it so she could call me out. Before that she thought I was the bees knees.

I also used it, and still do to some extent, as an avoidance of life tactic. But, I've recognised this and so try and limit it.

However there are some very useful insights I've gained that gave helped, so it's not all a waste of time, and it's merely supplanted other less functional avoidance mechanisms so....I see it as a win win as long as it is in moderation.

The other thing I thought was that your post was so well argued that I was like what's she running away from? What insights or vulnerabilities are coming to light to lead her into constructing this beautiful argument as to why she should stop therapy? Does that resonate?

Therapy has been very challenging for me but I can see benefits (1 yr later).

It's really affected my work, because I spend so much time recovering but then before that I was not working at all so...needs must.

I've not actually answered your questions only addressed your first 3 lines which I reckon is the nub of the matter

Your response is great - thank you. I wouldn't dare change this if I’m honest because it feels too good. I think my underlying fears are 1) if I make progress in therapy, it'll be because of ‘the’ therapy sessions and perhaps not so much what i’m being taught, and 2) how I’ll cope when therapy will ‘have’ to eventually end. I guess 2) relates to 1). Feeling better because of therapy, oh you’re doing better now, you don't need to be here anymore, anddd back to square 1.

This is just a phase.
I use to bump into things thinking about T and therapy.
Not like that now.