[ElectricManatee]

We were joking around on The Couch about how there should be Tinder or eHarmony for therapists and clients, to help you find your best match. So what would your online client profile look like?

Mine is:
Chronically depressed but with private insurance. Likely to get attached but unlikely to no-show. I like reading books about therapy and discussing psychology but will also get angry with you for little to no reason. I occasionally find myself asking astonishly personal questions without warning, but I won't be too upset if you side-step them. Willing to travel up to 15 miles, hoping for off-street parking. Therapists with an excessive number of throw pillows need not reply.

[DP_2017]

Avoidant and quiet. I won't show my assertive side at all unless I feel comfortable with you. I'm too scared to get close and comfortable again though. I hate sharing my feelings and I hate having so much attention on me. I try to use humor to deflect the topic. I like dogs more than people. That will likely reflect in my conversations. I shut down often, so be prepared to have to "lead the way" most of the time.

[MoxieDoxie]

Chronic PTSD( past diagnosed with BPD suspected DID) with insurance. Will most likely get attached to you the first session and if you do not yield to me and pay all your attention to me I can become a danger to myself and it will be all your fault. I will play head games to get as much attentions from you as I can.

Will shower you with admiration and make plenty of progress as long as I know what progress you want me to make and I know exactly how you want me to answer your questions.

Male therapist only and they must have fun fidget toys to fidget with during session.

Sorry for the above profile. That is an annoying part you most likely will have to deal with from time to time otherwise I am intelligent, ethical, keep boundaries and will respect your boundaries. I have great capacity for insight. I am also considered high functioning and run my own business.

[Lemoncake]

Borderline personality disorder. Clinical depression. Trauma. OCD traits from childhood. Talks in quotes. Likes poetry, books, nonsense words,GOT and war movies. Relatively unstable but very high functioning and able to fund sessions privately.

Pushes boundaries. Will occasionally turn up to sessions with cake and a birthday gift months in advance. Will over email, be hot and cold. Jealous of your family and hate your other clients. Will find everything I can about you online ( including googling your mother and your practices filling history.) but will love you intensely.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it will be rewarding, but progress will be slow and make you question why you chose to work with me in the first place.

This message will self destruct in 5 seconds. Good luck.

An arse looking for that perfect seat.

Gotta play!

Looking for a client that won't want you to take them on guided mediative walks along the beach? Look no further! You'll be quickly shown your own door if you try. To make up for my irreverence towards your psychological foo, I promise to bring you healthy food and drinks and clean your office if necessary. What security my personality lacks due to my plight with panic attacks, PTSD, and dissociation; I make up for with not remembering what I was saying due to my cognitive impairment!
You'll never feel like no one cares because you'll be in my thoughts 24/7 as I ponder over why I love you so much and whether or not I should tell you that. I'll send you emails saying everything but what I really feel just to keep you guessing! I'll forgo sleep for a week over you if I think something is wrong with you, and if you're sick, I'll cook you chicken noodle soup.
I'd prefer you take my excellent insurance plan but money is no object when it comes to your high tolerance of my neediness. I may even propose marriage, and as long as you don't use the term transference with me ever, I'm ok if your answer is no.
Most importantly, you must be willing to go hiking with me as in the midst of nature is your best chance at actually catching me 100% open to the work we're supposed to be doing.

[Elio]

Attached client looking for side T that will fill the voids that boundaries have created. Must be willing to know that you'll be dropped the moment I feel it threatens the relationship with my T. Must be willing to hear me talk about my T and the relationship with her.

If I feel like you are talking over top of me or going down your own path, I will shut down. I cry when angry, hurt, sad, scared, joyful... ok I cry a lot, it's not personal. I prefer tissue within reach.

I like children's picture books, playing with cars, coloring, pixar over dreamworks.

[SlumberKitty]

Depressed client with psychotic features. Hallucinations, paranoia, and dissociation are all part of the package. Must be able to deal with self-harm. Will act aloof but secretly love you, after a suitable amount of time has passed. Prefer you to not push too hard, prefer you to take my insurance but if not sliding scale is fine. Attachment likely. Will not express anger. Will have difficulty disagreeing with you for a good long time. Must have a quirky sense of humor. Allow outside contact? Bonus.

[nottrustin]

Have major depression, CPTSD, and anxiety. I also struggle with complex grief. I have worked as office staff at a psychiatric hospital. So I know just enough to be dangerous. I enjoy learning about my mental health issues. So if you suggest I read books or articles I appreciate it.

I work full time, have private insurance and very active in my community. However I often wear a mask to what is going on inside and I have a lot of insight. This is often as mask. I have never been upset in therapy nor hollered. I may pull back because I fear you might be upset with me.

I have major trust issues and will need occasional reassurance. I have disassociated in sessions. After really difficult appointments I really struggle with rebounding. Email contact helps in a huge way but I will appologize frequently for bothering you. Major trust issues with men so well only see females

Had an amazing T for 10 years who tragically died in an accident. Lots of maternal transference. Still dealing with that grief and trying to stop comparing other Ts to her.

[Out There]

Will quite often sidetrack when asked questions , has a silly sense of humour , prefers cats to people , doesn't trust easily and will go all over the place. Will appreciate you keeping back and having good boundaries.

Former caved bird, now free, seeks companion bird with whom to practice flying. Companion bird must be able to accept and discuss personal limitations as flying companion and provide sheltered nest for occasional crash landings.

[Anne2.0]

Client with deep need for introspection but sometimes lacking in ability seeks ultra professional therapist with intellectual chops, warm spirit, and warrior attitude for tough trauma-tinged work constantly reignited by a work schedule and life filled with lost causes. Not looking for someone who is late, flaky, or full of excuses. Show up ready for battle with hairsplitting, distinguishable facts, and seeing things through an alternative lens. Enjoys learning about new ideas but irreverent towards people in power and conventional wisdom. Needs encouragement to put herself first and empathy for excessive caretaking of others.

[88Butterfly88]

Nutso client seeks new therapist. Has autism and PTSD. Is sensitive to sound so quiet office is essential. Trauma was religious in nature so therapists hoping to preach the gospel in session need not apply.

[atisketatasket]

Too smart for her own good and will let you know she’s smarter than you. Constant questions about what you mean or what you are doing. Does not hide her suspicions of therapists or people in general. Cynical, acerbic, analytical. She pays, so she’s the boss. Swipe left if you’re not up for a challenge.

[LonesomeTonight]

Client with anxiety/depression/OCD who is very prone to attachment/transference and will likely think about (and want to discuss) the therapeutic relationship quite a bit. Enjoys writing emails and tends to communicate better in written than spoken form (and will notice when you make grammatical errors!). Tendency toward parentheticals and footnotes both in email and speech. Very fidgety and animated during session--not a fan of silence. Tendency to cry quite a bit (make sure you're stocked with tissues!), but also enjoys joking around and making therapists laugh. Will try to figure a therapist out like a puzzle, making note of things they say (like type of car or whether they like pizza) and noticing random things like how they're sitting and whether they're wearing their wedding ring. Also a very dedicated client who won't no-show (barring an emergency) and who is quite interested in the process. Kinda warm and fuzzy is good, but solid boundaries required because they will be pushed.

[ArtleyWilkins]

(Not in the market for therapy anymore, but back in the day this would have been my profile):

Married professional with insurance seeking an experienced, skilled, male therapist as a base for monitoring my constant, recurrent, severe depression resulting from PTSD so I can keep handling my marriage, my kids, and my career. Don't coddle me. Don't tell me I'm fragile. Don't get all mushy or hippy-dippy about things. Just help me find the path through this quicksand so that I can feel fully functional again. I'm tired of this crap. I'm on a mission and I need you to be on board. I'm smart and I am goal-oriented, so you better be on your toes. Let's get this show on the road! Time's a wastin'!

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by 88Butterfly88

therapists hoping to preach the gospel in session need not apply.

That made me laugh because searching for therapists, I was like oh hell no... anytime I saw anything religious sounding. No thank you

[MoxieDoxie]

All of these are making me laugh!

[susannahsays]

Petulant client ISO patient therapist. If you enjoy sitting in tense silence, I'm your girl. I can also offer the dedicated therapist numerous opportunities to exercise emotional (and perhaps physical) restraint, because dealing with me is no walk in the park. Just when you think things are going well, I'll let you know that they aren't by sending an angry text (or five), scowling at you when you greet me, and engaging in other acting out behaviors. Must be able to listen to outrageous claims and blatantly false statements without laughing. A poker face is unnecessary, as I will never look at you. I will not expect you to read my mind, but will become angry if I don't get my way - despite the fact that I will never ask for what I want.

[GretchenC]

Sarcastic cynic. Good insurance, pays promptly, works hard. Has a propensity to drop the F-bomb.

[stopdog]

En Garde.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by stopdog

En Garde.

I think this is entrapment. What therapist could resist?

Totally stubborn, emotionally immature client with the annoying habit of laughing when uncomfortable instead of feeling her actual feelings seeks warm and saintly-patient therapist with unlimited ability to hold whatever. I will likely become intensely attached if you are female and maternal transference issues will abound. I am more than willing to do the deep work but then will turn around and attempt to terminate therapy prematurely at least 4 times a year. Potential for rupture is always there just under the surface as I am so averse to conflict that I hold my anger inside until it explodes. You will earn every penny you charge.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I think this is entrapment. What therapist could resist?

Why, are you saying that sd is wily?

[annielovesbacon]

Bipolar disorder -- 1 or 2? who knows! Very stubborn perfectionist. Good luck getting me to let go of my unhealthy coping mechanisms! I do promise to bring lots of laughs to session. I don't take myself seriously but I do take therapy seriously. Therapists who don't use sarcasm need not reply.