Couch 189: The Oxford Couch

We are supposed to get more snow/ice. We have had snow/ice every weekend since the beginning of the year. The week days are fine but the weekends are weather disasters.

I slept soooo good last night after talking things through with L. I'm feeling better about stuff, less like I've ruined h's life and am able to be a little less harsh on myself today. He and I are no closer to knowing if we're going to split up or not but I think I can at least believe now that if we do it's not anybody's fault it just is. I can't definitively say I've stopped loving him because I haven't and I guess that's why this is so hard. But I love myself too and I want, no I need to be true to who I am so I am still all knotted up.

Did you think you could do it without him being hurt? That is not to say don't do it, but coming out does have both consequences and benefits.

No, of course not. That's one of the things t and I talked about yesterday, the consequences of all this, some of which it's true I had not considered (like telling my son and my family). But the drive to be, well this sounds so dramatic but the drive to live authentically is strong. Possibly stronger than my fear of turning our lives upside down so that I can stop pretending to be Suzy sunshine perfect little wifey or whatever.

Also i think what I did expect was that he would be angry. Which in some way would have made it a little easier somehow. But he's not. He said he loves me and wants me to be happy and if I can't be happy with him then splitting up is the right thing to do.

He may still get there. I did some family law (not much - I hated it and of course I have been through and witnessed break ups) and sometimes things start out one way and people move through other emotions as it progresses.

Hi Daisy!

Yeah, pulling my credit report is a good idea. I've never actually looked at my credit report before, unbelievable, I know...

Something to think about. I've been through breakups before too but wasn't married then. And in 2 of them I was the wronged party (they were unfaithful) so leaving was easy, I was the one hurt. This time it's kinda like I'm the guilty party?? And that's what I asked t's help with yesterday, dealing with me being the "bad guy" so to speak. She helped a lot.

I say that no decisions have been made yet but talk as though they have...hmmm.

I don't have time to read through everything right now, but I just want to say that I don't think that you're completely at fault and guilty here, Artie.

Sexuality and feelings can and do change. It's okay and even better to say when they do than to just stay in a situation where you're not completely happy or can be yourself. I hope this works out for you!

Oh, the anger will come. Count on that. He might go through something like the stages of grief. Seems like he's experiencing denial and depression, perhaps simultaneously, perhaps ping-ponging between them.

Maybe thats what the perfect wifey thing is about. I played that part too, esp with the first h. But only up to a point (no kids - i would not be financially dependent, and i think my mother just plain made me anti-generative). Anyway, its all moot now.

He might still get angry. My dad was angry for a long time, but it is something that he worked through and if he ever “blamed” my mom, he certainly doesn’t now. We’ve never really talked about his feelings, though i know there is a lot of support groups for spouses of partners who came out. Also there is a FB group called Lilly (late in life lesbian) that has SO many women going through similar things.
I know it feels like you are the bad guy, but you’re not.

I just talked to my T briefly over the phone and got to have the “do you need to go to the hospital” conversation.

Art, if he does feel angry eventually, it's not your fault. You're respectfully speaking what is true for you, which is what you are responsible for.

We can feel compassion and understanding for the feeling without taking on blame.

HUGS Velcro!

HUGS DP_2017: I hope you heal fast!

Big hugs, velcro.

Good morning Couchies! I had a friend text and check up on me today which felt nice. No one else has done that since my bad SH that had to be stitched up and it just really made me feel cared about. I'm worn out physically and emotionally from doing two jobs at work, going to see my boss in the hospital after work, and taking care of her dog before and after work. It's like I haven't been home before 7 or 8 all week. I feel like I'm running on empty. I want to be there for my boss (who is also my friend) but I'm starting to feel like I have nothing else to give and I need to recharge. Sort of that thing where you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you help others. But I feel guilty about it. I'm trying to put myself and my SH on the back burner but the thoughts of it all threaten to break through at any moment! Seriously, it's like a thundercloud behind my eyes. I need to do something nice for myself tomorrow, only I don't know what. I just know I need to do something for myself. Because I'm just worn out. I'm having major SH thoughts. And it's so hard to tell people IRL about it because they just don't get it. Last night I was talking to my boss about my depression and she's like, but you have all these people who love you, why are you still depressed? I just wanted to cry because it made me feel worse. And the last thing I need right now is to feel worse. I already feel like crap. I can just imagine how much worse it could get. Sorry to be such a downer today Couchies. HUGS if anyone wants one. Kit

If you don't want him I'll marry him myself!

That would certainly make things interesting! Thanks for making me smile.

I saw my massage therapist today. She worked for a long time on my jaw, and on my neck and shoulders. A jaw massage is not at all relaxing because of the amount of pressure it takes to work the muscles. She told me afterward that my jaw was so tight the tension had gone all the way around into my neck and shoulders.

I feel amazing now, except I am wiped out and my jaw feels numb.

And I brought my black pepper oil for her to use, so now I smell like a roast chicken.

Thanks, the writing letters idea is a good one. We did spend part of session talking about coping techniques over the next week, like trying to do some sort of self-care thing every day, whether taking a walk, meditating, taking yoga class, seeing a friend, etc. Being out of the house in general will help me, too. And it helps to know the backup T's are there if needed, too, and that I don't need to actually be in crisis to contact one. Though...they're in the same office suite as T, so maybe seeing one could make me miss him more, I don't know.


I think if I did write an email to him, I'm going to give myself like a 12-hour or more waiting period, like I can put it in my drafts folder, then wait a considerable amount of time, trying other coping things in the meantime. And I'll use the method where I don't put his name in the To: field yet, so that it would take me an extra few seconds to send. In fact, maybe I should just write any sort of email thoughts in Word or someplace other than my email (not that copy/paste would take that long, but it's something...)

I also think writing letters is a good idea. My current T asked me to start journaling but I do better writing letters, so I'm going to journal as if I'm writing to her. I also like your idea of if you feel you need to email T to wait 12 hours and see how you feel then. It gives you space and time to try other things. That's great LT. I used to do that sometimes with former T. Sometimes I found that just writing it would suffice. Other times, I ended up sending the email. But it stopped that knee jerk reaction to just email. Of course if I was in a spiral, that just went out the window. HUGS Kit