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#26
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It is amazing how everyone here can put pretty much what I am feeling and going through into intelligent words. When I am a ball of emotions I just can not describe them intelligibly.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
![]() here today, koru_kiwi
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![]() here today, missbella
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#27
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Where I find myself getting angry is in the fact that those of us who end up in this horrific situation already have histories of extremely painful childhoods. It’s like adding a secondary trauma on top of what is already there. The situation is also no-win to get out of - it’s traumatic to leave, but also excruciating to stay. It reminds me a bit of Tom Hanks in Cast Away - who had the choice of languishing alone on an island, or building a really good raft and challenging tsunami sized waves to take a chance that what’s out there is better. I am very leery encouraging anyone to leave therapy, but what I can say from the other side is that the time you spend trapped in pain IS trauma. For me, the feelings didn’t just stop when I left. It’s been a slow process getting back to who I used to be. It’s manageable at this point - a year removed - but left an enormous mark on who I am as a person. I don’t know how long you’ve been in this situation but I’ve lost 8 years of my life to therapy pain. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you can resolve this in therapy, or find the strength to leave. ❤️ I hold out hope that some of the excruciating therapy stories I read here end well, even though mine didn’t. |
![]() Anonymous56789
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![]() here today, koru_kiwi
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#28
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From what I've seen, it is that way for many people in long term therapy. It's not uncommon for people to want to increase session frequency once they get hooked. Some people hire a second therapist. Plus the compulsive emailing and then waiting for a response. Anything to get that fix. It's ironic, too, that so many people are plagued by obsessive and intrusive thoughts about their therapy, which is one of the hallmarks of a traumatic experience. |
![]() here today, koru_kiwi, MoxieDoxie, SilverTongued
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#29
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__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
![]() koru_kiwi
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#30
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__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors. |
![]() koru_kiwi
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#31
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i feel very similar in retrospect to my own therapy and the 'relationship' with my ex-T. therapy was the centre point of my life for over six years. six years i will never get back. six years of missing out on time with my family and friends because of the state of despair or obsession that therapy sessions usually left me in. life for me during that period mainly revolve around therapy and the dramas of the relationship with my T. much of this i believe was because of my Ts own counter transference issues and him getting many of his own needs met from the relationship. it wasn't until my last year of therapy that i finally recognise and acknowledge just how unhealthy and retraumatising that the relationship with my T was. i spent that final year of therapy working towards detaching myself from the unhealthy attachment and enmeshment so i could get out of the relationship unscathed. fortunately, the things i did to prepare myself for that ending worked, and two years since ending, i feel nothing but happiness and contentment for not only getting out of that situation, but towards myself and for life in general. similar to you, i'm completely enjoying the freedom and having a life back that does not revolve endlessly around therapy and knowing that i can live a happy and content life without therapy or my ex-T involved in it. |
![]() here today, missbella
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#32
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it was addiction disguised as a healing "journey" or as "treatment". all of what you say in your post above resonates quite strong for me. at times, it did feel like a 'life or death' fixation. pretty pathetic when i reflect back upon it...and like an addiction, all the money i spent on it to be able to get my fix. i could have funded a first class trip around the world instead. |
![]() BudFox, here today, missbella
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#33
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I’m still processing through anger that my therapist was profiting from this and feeding her need to be needed through my addiction. There are few words to describe the boundless exploitation and degradation this experience left me with, packaged as “treatment”. Sadly my horrific final therapy outcome was “unintentional” so there is no perpetrator/victim to make this more black and white in my mind. There was no malicious intent, no ill will, no ethics violation or gross misconduct to help frame my anger. In fact I had many, many sessions that felt truly sublime. Along these lines, it has been exceptionally difficult to reconcile rage towards someone I still idealize, long for and love. It’s the perfect storm for a total mental cluster. It illustrates exactly how damaging “therapy gone wrong” is, and why it takes so incredibly long to get past trauma that occurs in what is described as a sacred space. The damage runs deep and leaves scars. |
![]() here today
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![]() BudFox, here today, koru_kiwi, SilverTongued
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#34
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Regaining my freedom and self-respect has been an awakening, and I have a new found appreciation for those virtues. One that I will not take for granted in the future. I suppose it’s one of the few good outcomes of “therapy failure”. I also value my mental health now more than ever. I made a promise to myself to do whatever I can to keep from slipping back to a place where I am in the losing end of such awful relationship dynamics. Last edited by Anonymous41422; Apr 14, 2019 at 08:39 AM. |
![]() here today, koru_kiwi, missbella
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#35
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It was a long time before I could intellectualize what occurred. When I escaped I only felt shame, like I’d failed at some purification and now I’m destined to live life flawed and tainted. My group co-therapists had me convinced they were the sole path to salvation.
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![]() SilverTongued
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![]() here today, koru_kiwi
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#36
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It’s liberating to learn I was chasing something that never existed, and I’m ok living with my traits and limitations. I now believe most things about us are both weaknesses and strengths. |
![]() BudFox, here today, koru_kiwi
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#37
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The comments on this thread have been so insightful.
What's striking me is that now, almost 3 years post therapy, I'm hooked on my anger toward them. If that anger could fuel something that would help the situation then it might serve a purpose. But I've thought and written about my wishes and ideas and inclinations toward trying to do something like that and it seems pretty fruitless and amorphous at this point. The profession and the general public just aren't ready for that yet, quite, it seems. So -- time to let that go, too, and move on? But to what. . . Things are desolate here at my house. One of my cats was just diagnosed with cancer and there's likely not much to do about it -- I don't think putting him through surgery for just a few months would likely be in his interest. I may get more information from a specialty vet next week. I've been clearing out the accumulation of 30 years and more in my house so that I can move to an apartment closer to my son. Years and years of being a somewhat career woman, wife, mother, and over the last 20 years pretty much an emotional wreck and therapy addict. All that time, and identities, and stuff -- now gone. There's a toxicity in the relationship with my daughter I've not found a way to overcome. We both participate these days in slightly disparaging, somewhat disguised and excuse-ridded discounting of each other. It got overtly too much for me on Friday, when I had just gotten the news about the cat. So -- despite "doing my best" and "what I was supposed to do" in going to therapy, believing they would help me be OK -- they didn't. The best thing I'm looking to right now for help is some Buddhist ideas on hindrances, especially ill will. I was able yesterday -- in part inspired by comments on this thread -- to see my last T and the consultant who referred me to her as members, as am I, of the human community. Messed up members, maybe, but then not that different from the rest of us. Well, maybe that's not too bad as a start. And trying to live in the moment. Just very, very hard at the moment. |
![]() Anonymous41422, Anonymous56789, koru_kiwi, missbella, SilverTongued
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![]() missbella
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#38
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For me, self-acceptance has been key too. With catastrophic therapy endings, it is so easy to accept all the blame and paint ourselves as bad people. Particularly since therapists are engrained as “helpers” and wonderful, caring and gentle entities. For me, there was a point where I said to myself “Ok, I could be a bad person. I’m still going to try to live my life as best I can and be the best person I can.” |
![]() SlumberKitty
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![]() here today, koru_kiwi, missbella
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#39
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Part of what I experienced post-therapy (and still do, to a lesser degree) was the enormous empty space that therapy used to occupy. The quiet bleakness and feeling totally alone was frightening and panic-inducing at first. It’s one of the big reasons I try not to influence others to quit therapy especially suddenly. One has to have enough internal resources to cope with the jarring change and also be able manage decently without dedicated support. It is NOT easy. When the theatrics of therapy are over, we are certainly forced to face our issues alone. As I’ve heard worded quite eloquently, there’s no such thing as a pain free life. There are times I look at things going on in my life and think... REALLY?! Yet human suffering is life’s common denominator. All we can do is our best. Sending good thoughts your way about your kitty and daughter. |
![]() here today, koru_kiwi, SlumberKitty
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#40
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when i was in therapy and my husband was attending my sessions with me, we use to make it a ritual to visit one of the local breweries after my session. we called it 'beer therapy after therapy' and would use that time to decompress post session or to discuss my session. so when i ended therapy, fortunately we decided to continue the 'beer therapy' tradition and started going to the brewery at the same time that my therapy session would have been. with no therapy sessions, it allowed us more time together for the evening to connect as a couple. to this day, we still continue this tradition and since doing this for the past couple of years, we have made many new friends with the regulars and staff. don't reckon i would have gotten the same benefits of socialising and making new friends if i would have remained in therapy focussing all my energy and time on ex-T. |
![]() here today, SilverTongued, SlumberKitty
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#41
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![]() sending hugs your way ![]() |
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#42
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Thanks for the update PurpleMIrrors. I'm so glad to see you molding your experience in positive ways. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!!
I'm lucky my T doesn't get enmeshed. His countertransference can impact the therapy from time to time, but that's unavoidable as it is expected to happen on occasion. Even aside from this forum, such as my experience with previous Ts and T shopping, enmeshment between therapist and client seems more common than not, which to me is an issue of competency. That's one reason why I stay with my T. |
#43
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![]() Thank you for sharing how you were able to move on! |
![]() koru_kiwi
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![]() koru_kiwi
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#44
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![]() Anonymous56789
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#45
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having hubby there was great for both the physical and emotional support he could provide during and between sessions and it allowed him to understand me and the dynamics of my relationship with my T better. having hubby involved felt like we all (T, hubby and me) were a team working towards the common goal of helping me to get better. hubby learned a lot in my sessions and this in return helped to strengthen our relationship. in the end, it actually was hubby who i was able to form a 'secure' attachment with, and not my T. hubby was available and could support me in ways ex-T never realistically could, and it was that level of care that i truly was needing to help me move forward. similar to you, the relationship with my ex-T was more of an re-enactment of unmet childhood needs that were often triggered and replayed repeatedly. ex-Ts inconsistencies and counter transference did nothing but aggravate the triggers more. there was never a chance to move forward from the unmet needs or to grieve them properly. it never quite felt safe enough with ex-T to be able to achieve that. my hubby was very supportive of me when he knew i was needing to get myself unattached to my T and out of that unhealthy relationship. i'm not sure if i would have been able to do it, move forward as much as i have, to be free or be alive today if it wasn't for hubbys solid dedication and on going support. |
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#46
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I am so glad you have him! I’m also glad your therapy came to a successful resolution almost in spite of your therapist. The transition of attachment to someone who can actually meet your needs is the optimal outcome of any therapy - at least how I’ve come to understand it. Love to read positive endings! Last edited by Anonymous41422; Apr 16, 2019 at 06:23 AM. |
![]() here today, koru_kiwi
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#47
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__________________
Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck |
![]() Anonymous41422, here today, koru_kiwi, SilverTongued
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#48
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An update, for what it is worth. May seem self-absorbed and not related to the topic of this thread but I will try to relate it at the end.
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The cat died Friday. An in-home vet and I agreed he was going downhill and that more misery was likely not in his interest. I'm devastated about that -- AND I know that I loved him. AND, so in a way, I know I was not loved in the environment I grew up in. That's (mostly?) what to me been so confusing and misleading and denial-provoking and producing living-in-fantasy, I think. The psychotherapy "experts" may have that right -- but the therapy "relationships" were not sufficient as a resolution. At least not in my case. That environment. I didn't have an environment where real love existed. My late husband and I loved each other -- both of us were damaged personalities, probably, and the individual damage didn't get in the way of us loving each other. That CAN happen, despite what current experts say. And then he died, and the core of me was not engaged with anybody much in the larger society, didn't/couldn't participate except on a surface level, and that was further desolating. Except that 3 and 4 years after he died the cats came into my life. I had known the kittens since they were born. And vice versa. They were people to me and I am/was people to them I feel confident. They could exist OK without my love, but they also have the capability to respond to it, somehow, and so -- I loved. And feel that love. And so know I was not loved. No use blaming the parents and other folks -- they didn't have it, they were damaged, damage had been passed down for who knows how many generations. They did their best. Pets -- cats especially -- are relatively safe to love. It likely won't mess them up too bad if you do it wrong, don't love them enough, etc. And yet they can respond when you do love them. So, the 16 years I have had with them have been somewhat healing. Starting over -- that's a toughie. I don't feel a direction to go in with that. Three of 6 cats remain and I love them. And knowing how I feel about them helps to sort out the love I have for my children from other things I may feel about them from time to time, sometimes remnants of those old dynamics and patterns. So, keeping on keeping on. . .Until it's my time to go, too. That's about all the starting over I have for the moment. |
![]() Anonymous41422, koru_kiwi, SlumberKitty
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#49
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Hi All,
Thank you for sharing your stories. They resonate quite a lot with me. It is really useful to hear and great to hear the process you are making since ending your therapy. I was just wondering, if anyone is ok to share A is there anyone from the U.K. on here or are most people US based? |
#50
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I’m uk based- east anglia
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