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  #26  
Old Apr 13, 2019, 06:34 AM
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MoxieDoxie MoxieDoxie is offline
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It is amazing how everyone here can put pretty much what I am feeling and going through into intelligent words. When I am a ball of emotions I just can not describe them intelligibly.
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When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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Thanks for this!
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  #27  
Old Apr 13, 2019, 07:01 AM
Anonymous41422
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Originally Posted by SalingerEsme View Post
The power in this inspires me; you dug down deep and found agency within yourself ( locus of control?).

The unrequited everythings: unrequited secret-telling, unrequited high gamble on the other person, unrequited longing. It is a very humbling experience.

In reading the theories, like Jessica Benjamin, I totally get for the best of them, therapy is a sacred play-space where both client and therapist understand that this is all "as if". A laboratory, a sandbox, a play in a theater: we act as if we love each other, we act as if T is the dad and client is a child again.

A problem occurs when the T is playing the "as if" game and the client is all in for real, having not gotten the emotional memo.

That is me right now. My T says lovely things to me, so tender . I think he means them inside the hour and inside the office.

He simply understands the rules of the game, which I do not. I take his words away and live with them in my mind without the "as if", without the" he said that as a playful way of getting me to wonder - hmmm what would it be like to be loved in this way". It is really difficult to be the client, too difficult for me with already confusion about the basic nature of attachment created through csa.

This is where therapy gets dicey. I have a good social skills facade, but underneath I am anguished and maxed out by my T telling me our connection is exquisite or he will be right by my side through thick and thin or such things, and not meaning them yet meaning them, enjoying paradox, playing with this, and ultimately shutting off the game after 45 minutes like Lucy taking the football away from Charlie Brown, day after day , session after session.
Thank you! I am so sorry you are going through this too. I could have written much of this myself and identify with the heartbreak.

Where I find myself getting angry is in the fact that those of us who end up in this horrific situation already have histories of extremely painful childhoods. It’s like adding a secondary trauma on top of what is already there. The situation is also no-win to get out of - it’s traumatic to leave, but also excruciating to stay. It reminds me a bit of Tom Hanks in Cast Away - who had the choice of languishing alone on an island, or building a really good raft and challenging tsunami sized waves to take a chance that what’s out there is better.

I am very leery encouraging anyone to leave therapy, but what I can say from the other side is that the time you spend trapped in pain IS trauma. For me, the feelings didn’t just stop when I left. It’s been a slow process getting back to who I used to be. It’s manageable at this point - a year removed - but left an enormous mark on who I am as a person. I don’t know how long you’ve been in this situation but I’ve lost 8 years of my life to therapy pain.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you can resolve this in therapy, or find the strength to leave. ❤️ I hold out hope that some of the excruciating therapy stories I read here end well, even though mine didn’t.
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  #28  
Old Apr 13, 2019, 08:10 PM
BudFox BudFox is offline
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post

More than anything, I am happy to be free from the enmeshment and dependency of therapy. It’s wonderful not living session to session, obsessing over converrsational nuances, fretting about her vacation schedule, and desperately seeking her love and approval. I do miss the ‘highs’ of good sessions and the temporary feeling of being cared about - but freedom has been more valuable. At least with where I am at right now.
For me it was addiction disguised as a healing "journey" or as "treatment".

From what I've seen, it is that way for many people in long term therapy.

It's not uncommon for people to want to increase session frequency once they get hooked. Some people hire a second therapist. Plus the compulsive emailing and then waiting for a response. Anything to get that fix.

It's ironic, too, that so many people are plagued by obsessive and intrusive thoughts about their therapy, which is one of the hallmarks of a traumatic experience.
Thanks for this!
here today, koru_kiwi, MoxieDoxie, SilverTongued
  #29  
Old Apr 13, 2019, 08:14 PM
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MoxieDoxie MoxieDoxie is offline
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
Thank you! I am so sorry you are going through this too. I could have written much of this myself and identify with the heartbreak.

Where I find myself getting angry is in the fact that those of us who end up in this horrific situation already have histories of extremely painful childhoods. It’s like adding a secondary trauma on top of what is already there. The situation is also no-win to get out of - it’s traumatic to leave, but also excruciating to stay. It reminds me a bit of Tom Hanks in Cast Away - who had the choice of languishing alone on an island, or building a really good raft and challenging tsunami sized waves to take a chance that what’s out there is better.

I am very leery encouraging anyone to leave therapy, but what I can say from the other side is that the time you spend trapped in pain IS trauma. For me, the feelings didn’t just stop when I left. It’s been a slow process getting back to who I used to be. It’s manageable at this point - a year removed - but left an enormous mark on who I am as a person. I don’t know how long you’ve been in this situation but I’ve lost 8 years of my life to therapy pain.

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you can resolve this in therapy, or find the strength to leave. ❤️ I hold out hope that some of the excruciating therapy stories I read here end well, even though mine didn’t.
This is such an eye opener for me to the point I stopped myself from immediately emailing him about something that happened and waiting for a response. I need to get out of this.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
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  #30  
Old Apr 13, 2019, 08:14 PM
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MoxieDoxie MoxieDoxie is offline
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Originally Posted by BudFox View Post
For me it was addiction disguised as a healing "journey" or as "treatment".

From what I've seen, it is that way for many people in long term therapy.

It's not uncommon for people to want to increase session frequency once they get hooked. Some people hire a second therapist. Plus the compulsive emailing and then waiting for a response. Anything to get that fix.

It's ironic, too, that so many people are plagued by obsessive and intrusive thoughts about their therapy, which is one of the hallmarks of a traumatic experience.
I resemble all of this. So messed up.
__________________
When a child’s emotional needs are not met and a child is repeatedly hurt and abused, this deeply and profoundly affects the child’s development. Wanting those unmet childhood needs in adulthood. Looking for safety, protection, being cherished and loved can often be normal unmet needs in childhood, and the survivor searches for these in other adults. This can be where survivors search for mother and father figures. Transference issues in counseling can occur and this is normal for childhood abuse survivors.
Hugs from:
koru_kiwi
  #31  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 03:32 AM
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koru_kiwi koru_kiwi is offline
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
I often look back on my many years of therapy with a lot of regret. I made therapy and my therapist the centerpiece of my life for a long time and realize how much living I wasn’t doing. I invested most of my emotional energy trying to get something from her that I was never meant to have. I thought the pain and suffering I went through in my relationship with her would eventually lead to healing, but I recognize it now as subtle (and often not so subtle) traumatization.

More than anything, I am happy to be free from the enmeshment and dependency of therapy. It’s wonderful not living session to session, obsessing over converrsational nuances, fretting about her vacation schedule, and desperately seeking her love and approval. I do miss the ‘highs’ of good sessions and the temporary feeling of being cared about - but freedom has been more valuable. At least with where I am at right now.
yes! ^^^ this exactly (especially the bolded bits)

i feel very similar in retrospect to my own therapy and the 'relationship' with my ex-T. therapy was the centre point of my life for over six years. six years i will never get back. six years of missing out on time with my family and friends because of the state of despair or obsession that therapy sessions usually left me in. life for me during that period mainly revolve around therapy and the dramas of the relationship with my T. much of this i believe was because of my Ts own counter transference issues and him getting many of his own needs met from the relationship. it wasn't until my last year of therapy that i finally recognise and acknowledge just how unhealthy and retraumatising that the relationship with my T was. i spent that final year of therapy working towards detaching myself from the unhealthy attachment and enmeshment so i could get out of the relationship unscathed. fortunately, the things i did to prepare myself for that ending worked, and two years since ending, i feel nothing but happiness and contentment for not only getting out of that situation, but towards myself and for life in general. similar to you, i'm completely enjoying the freedom and having a life back that does not revolve endlessly around therapy and knowing that i can live a happy and content life without therapy or my ex-T involved in it.
Thanks for this!
here today, missbella
  #32  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 03:45 AM
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koru_kiwi koru_kiwi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BudFox View Post
For me it was addiction disguised as a healing "journey" or as "treatment".

From what I've seen, it is that way for many people in long term therapy.

It's not uncommon for people to want to increase session frequency once they get hooked. Some people hire a second therapist. Plus the compulsive emailing and then waiting for a response. Anything to get that fix.

It's ironic, too, that so many people are plagued by obsessive and intrusive thoughts about their therapy, which is one of the hallmarks of a traumatic experience.
all of this is so well said, especially this:

it was addiction disguised as a healing "journey" or as "treatment".


all of what you say in your post above resonates quite strong for me. at times, it did feel like a 'life or death' fixation. pretty pathetic when i reflect back upon it...and like an addiction, all the money i spent on it to be able to get my fix. i could have funded a first class trip around the world instead.
Thanks for this!
BudFox, here today, missbella
  #33  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 07:55 AM
Anonymous41422
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Originally Posted by BudFox View Post
For me it was addiction disguised as a healing "journey" or as "treatment".

From what I've seen, it is that way for many people in long term therapy.

It's not uncommon for people to want to increase session frequency once they get hooked. Some people hire a second therapist. Plus the compulsive emailing and then waiting for a response. Anything to get that fix.

It's ironic, too, that so many people are plagued by obsessive and intrusive thoughts about their therapy, which is one of the hallmarks of a traumatic experience.
Exactly this!

I’m still processing through anger that my therapist was profiting from this and feeding her need to be needed through my addiction.

There are few words to describe the boundless exploitation and degradation this experience left me with, packaged as “treatment”. Sadly my horrific final therapy outcome was “unintentional” so there is no perpetrator/victim to make this more black and white in my mind. There was no malicious intent, no ill will, no ethics violation or gross misconduct to help frame my anger. In fact I had many, many sessions that felt truly sublime.

Along these lines, it has been exceptionally difficult to reconcile rage towards someone I still idealize, long for and love. It’s the perfect storm for a total mental cluster. It illustrates exactly how damaging “therapy gone wrong” is, and why it takes so incredibly long to get past trauma that occurs in what is described as a sacred space. The damage runs deep and leaves scars.
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Thanks for this!
BudFox, here today, koru_kiwi, SilverTongued
  #34  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 08:07 AM
Anonymous41422
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Originally Posted by koru_kiwi View Post
yes! ^^^ this exactly (especially the bolded bits)

i feel very similar in retrospect to my own therapy and the 'relationship' with my ex-T. therapy was the centre point of my life for over six years. six years i will never get back. six years of missing out on time with my family and friends because of the state of despair or obsession that therapy sessions usually left me in. life for me during that period mainly revolve around therapy and the dramas of the relationship with my T. much of this i believe was because of my Ts own counter transference issues and him getting many of his own needs met from the relationship. it wasn't until my last year of therapy that i finally recognise and acknowledge just how unhealthy and retraumatising that the relationship with my T was. i spent that final year of therapy working towards detaching myself from the unhealthy attachment and enmeshment so i could get out of the relationship unscathed. fortunately, the things i did to prepare myself for that ending worked, and two years since ending, i feel nothing but happiness and contentment for not only getting out of that situation, but towards myself and for life in general. similar to you, i'm completely enjoying the freedom and having a life back that does not revolve endlessly around therapy and knowing that i can live a happy and content life without therapy or my ex-T involved in it.
Your experience has always resonated strong with me. I am so happy you were able to get out relatively in tact as well!

Regaining my freedom and self-respect has been an awakening, and I have a new found appreciation for those virtues. One that I will not take for granted in the future. I suppose it’s one of the few good outcomes of “therapy failure”.

I also value my mental health now more than ever. I made a promise to myself to do whatever I can to keep from slipping back to a place where I am in the losing end of such awful relationship dynamics.

Last edited by Anonymous41422; Apr 14, 2019 at 08:39 AM.
Thanks for this!
here today, koru_kiwi, missbella
  #35  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 09:06 AM
missbella missbella is offline
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Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie View Post
It is amazing how everyone here can put pretty much what I am feeling and going through into intelligent words. When I am a ball of emotions I just can not describe them intelligibly.
It was a long time before I could intellectualize what occurred. When I escaped I only felt shame, like I’d failed at some purification and now I’m destined to live life flawed and tainted. My group co-therapists had me convinced they were the sole path to salvation.
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Thanks for this!
here today, koru_kiwi
  #36  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 09:11 AM
missbella missbella is offline
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
Your experience has always resonated strong with me. I am so happy you were able to get out relatively in tact as well!

Regaining my freedom and self-respect has been an awakening, and I have a new found appreciation for those virtues. One that I will not take for granted in the future. I suppose it’s one of the few good outcomes of “therapy failure”.

I also value my mental health now more than ever. I made a promise to myself to do whatever I can to keep from slipping back to a place where I am in the losing end of such awful relationship dynamics.
My biggest lesson from therapy was paradoxical : no one is omniscient; anyone pretending is a charlatan, there are no omnipotent wizards. Subordinating myself to another person is a sick relationship.

It’s liberating to learn I was chasing something that never existed, and I’m ok living with my traits and limitations. I now believe most things about us are both weaknesses and strengths.
Thanks for this!
BudFox, here today, koru_kiwi
  #37  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 11:20 AM
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The comments on this thread have been so insightful.

What's striking me is that now, almost 3 years post therapy, I'm hooked on my anger toward them. If that anger could fuel something that would help the situation then it might serve a purpose. But I've thought and written about my wishes and ideas and inclinations toward trying to do something like that and it seems pretty fruitless and amorphous at this point. The profession and the general public just aren't ready for that yet, quite, it seems.

So -- time to let that go, too, and move on? But to what. . .

Things are desolate here at my house. One of my cats was just diagnosed with cancer and there's likely not much to do about it -- I don't think putting him through surgery for just a few months would likely be in his interest. I may get more information from a specialty vet next week. I've been clearing out the accumulation of 30 years and more in my house so that I can move to an apartment closer to my son. Years and years of being a somewhat career woman, wife, mother, and over the last 20 years pretty much an emotional wreck and therapy addict. All that time, and identities, and stuff -- now gone.

There's a toxicity in the relationship with my daughter I've not found a way to overcome. We both participate these days in slightly disparaging, somewhat disguised and excuse-ridded discounting of each other. It got overtly too much for me on Friday, when I had just gotten the news about the cat.

So -- despite "doing my best" and "what I was supposed to do" in going to therapy, believing they would help me be OK -- they didn't.

The best thing I'm looking to right now for help is some Buddhist ideas on hindrances, especially ill will. I was able yesterday -- in part inspired by comments on this thread -- to see my last T and the consultant who referred me to her as members, as am I, of the human community. Messed up members, maybe, but then not that different from the rest of us. Well, maybe that's not too bad as a start. And trying to live in the moment. Just very, very hard at the moment.
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  #38  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 02:20 PM
Anonymous41422
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Originally Posted by missbella View Post
My biggest lesson from therapy was paradoxical : no one is omniscient; anyone pretending is a charlatan, there are no omnipotent wizards. Subordinating myself to another person is a sick relationship.

It’s liberating to learn I was chasing something that never existed, and I’m ok living with my traits and limitations. I now believe most things about us are both weaknesses and strengths.

For me, self-acceptance has been key too. With catastrophic therapy endings, it is so easy to accept all the blame and paint ourselves as bad people. Particularly since therapists are engrained as “helpers” and wonderful, caring and gentle entities.

For me, there was a point where I said to myself “Ok, I could be a bad person. I’m still going to try to live my life as best I can and be the best person I can.”
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Thanks for this!
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  #39  
Old Apr 14, 2019, 03:20 PM
Anonymous41422
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Originally Posted by here today View Post
The comments on this thread have been so insightful.

What's striking me is that now, almost 3 years post therapy, I'm hooked on my anger toward them. If that anger could fuel something that would help the situation then it might serve a purpose. But I've thought and written about my wishes and ideas and inclinations toward trying to do something like that and it seems pretty fruitless and amorphous at this point. The profession and the general public just aren't ready for that yet, quite, it seems.

So -- time to let that go, too, and move on? But to what. . .

Things are desolate here at my house. One of my cats was just diagnosed with cancer and there's likely not much to do about it -- I don't think putting him through surgery for just a few months would likely be in his interest. I may get more information from a specialty vet next week. I've been clearing out the accumulation of 30 years and more in my house so that I can move to an apartment closer to my son. Years and years of being a somewhat career woman, wife, mother, and over the last 20 years pretty much an emotional wreck and therapy addict. All that time, and identities, and stuff -- now gone.

There's a toxicity in the relationship with my daughter I've not found a way to overcome. We both participate these days in slightly disparaging, somewhat disguised and excuse-ridded discounting of each other. It got overtly too much for me on Friday, when I had just gotten the news about the cat.

So -- despite "doing my best" and "what I was supposed to do" in going to therapy, believing they would help me be OK -- they didn't.

The best thing I'm looking to right now for help is some Buddhist ideas on hindrances, especially ill will. I was able yesterday -- in part inspired by comments on this thread -- to see my last T and the consultant who referred me to her as members, as am I, of the human community. Messed up members, maybe, but then not that different from the rest of us. Well, maybe that's not too bad as a start. And trying to live in the moment. Just very, very hard at the moment.
I’m so sorry here today.

Part of what I experienced post-therapy (and still do, to a lesser degree) was the enormous empty space that therapy used to occupy. The quiet bleakness and feeling totally alone was frightening and panic-inducing at first. It’s one of the big reasons I try not to influence others to quit therapy especially suddenly. One has to have enough internal resources to cope with the jarring change and also be able manage decently without dedicated support. It is NOT easy.

When the theatrics of therapy are over, we are certainly forced to face our issues alone. As I’ve heard worded quite eloquently, there’s no such thing as a pain free life. There are times I look at things going on in my life and think... REALLY?! Yet human suffering is life’s common denominator. All we can do is our best.

Sending good thoughts your way about your kitty and daughter.
Thanks for this!
here today, koru_kiwi, SlumberKitty
  #40  
Old Apr 15, 2019, 12:53 AM
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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3 View Post
Part of what I experienced post-therapy (and still do, to a lesser degree) was the enormous empty space that therapy used to occupy. The quiet bleakness and feeling totally alone was frightening and panic-inducing at first. It’s one of the big reasons I try not to influence others to quit therapy especially suddenly. One has to have enough internal resources to cope with the jarring change and also be able manage decently without dedicated support. It is NOT easy.
this is very true. the post therapy period definitely took some adjusting to get use to and one has to be ready and willing to try and do new or different things to replace all the time and space that therapy once took up.

when i was in therapy and my husband was attending my sessions with me, we use to make it a ritual to visit one of the local breweries after my session. we called it 'beer therapy after therapy' and would use that time to decompress post session or to discuss my session. so when i ended therapy, fortunately we decided to continue the 'beer therapy' tradition and started going to the brewery at the same time that my therapy session would have been. with no therapy sessions, it allowed us more time together for the evening to connect as a couple. to this day, we still continue this tradition and since doing this for the past couple of years, we have made many new friends with the regulars and staff. don't reckon i would have gotten the same benefits of socialising and making new friends if i would have remained in therapy focussing all my energy and time on ex-T.
Thanks for this!
here today, SilverTongued, SlumberKitty
  #41  
Old Apr 15, 2019, 12:57 AM
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koru_kiwi koru_kiwi is offline
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One of my cats was just diagnosed with cancer and there's likely not much to do about it --
so sorry HT to hear about your dear kitty

sending hugs your way
Thanks for this!
here today
  #42  
Old Apr 15, 2019, 10:31 AM
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Thanks for the update PurpleMIrrors. I'm so glad to see you molding your experience in positive ways. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!!

I'm lucky my T doesn't get enmeshed. His countertransference can impact the therapy from time to time, but that's unavoidable as it is expected to happen on occasion.

Even aside from this forum, such as my experience with previous Ts and T shopping, enmeshment between therapist and client seems more common than not, which to me is an issue of competency. That's one reason why I stay with my T.
  #43  
Old Apr 15, 2019, 12:06 PM
Anonymous41422
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this is very true. the post therapy period definitely took some adjusting to get use to and one has to be ready and willing to try and do new or different things to replace all the time and space that therapy once took up.

when i was in therapy and my husband was attending my sessions with me, we use to make it a ritual to visit one of the local breweries after my session. we called it 'beer therapy after therapy' and would use that time to decompress post session or to discuss my session. so when i ended therapy, fortunately we decided to continue the 'beer therapy' tradition and started going to the brewery at the same time that my therapy session would have been. with no therapy sessions, it allowed us more time together for the evening to connect as a couple. to this day, we still continue this tradition and since doing this for the past couple of years, we have made many new friends with the regulars and staff. don't reckon i would have gotten the same benefits of socialising and making new friends if i would have remained in therapy focussing all my energy and time on ex-T.
I am so impressed that your husband helped with your escape plan! It sounds like he was able to support you well! I can’t picture my husband attending my sessions. We are almost a generation apart - he, part of the generation that believes in pulling yourself up by the boot straps. His response to most of my therapy situations was, verbatim, “She’s incompetent, leave her already!” Of course I couldn’t because she was MY incompetent therapist. But I digress

Thank you for sharing how you were able to move on!
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Thanks for this!
koru_kiwi
  #44  
Old Apr 15, 2019, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by octoberful View Post
Thanks for the update PurpleMIrrors. I'm so glad to see you molding your experience in positive ways. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders!!

I'm lucky my T doesn't get enmeshed. His countertransference can impact the therapy from time to time, but that's unavoidable as it is expected to happen on occasion.

Even aside from this forum, such as my experience with previous Ts and T shopping, enmeshment between therapist and client seems more common than not, which to me is an issue of competency. That's one reason why I stay with my T.
Thank you! I have always been envious of your solid therapist and wonder how my experience would have been different with someone so intellectually curious and flexible with whatever comes up.
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  #45  
Old Apr 16, 2019, 03:59 AM
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I am so impressed that your husband helped with your escape plan! It sounds like he was able to support you well!
Thank you for sharing how you were able to move on!
my husband attended almost every session, twice a week for a while, for the last 2.5 years of my therapy. after the first year of therpay, i started opening up to my hubby more about me and my issues and started feeling safe enough to discuss some of the issues i was experiencing with my T. more than anything, hubby wanted to help, and this was one way that he could. he was like my 'consultant' or advisor, especially when ruptures occurred between my T and me. after a period of feeling stuck and at an impasse with my T, i asked both hubby and T if it would be ok if hubby could join my sessions for a while to offer a 'neutral ear' between T and me to help us get past the impasse. this worked quite well, and we decided to continue having hubby involved in my sessions.

having hubby there was great for both the physical and emotional support he could provide during and between sessions and it allowed him to understand me and the dynamics of my relationship with my T better. having hubby involved felt like we all (T, hubby and me) were a team working towards the common goal of helping me to get better. hubby learned a lot in my sessions and this in return helped to strengthen our relationship. in the end, it actually was hubby who i was able to form a 'secure' attachment with, and not my T. hubby was available and could support me in ways ex-T never realistically could, and it was that level of care that i truly was needing to help me move forward. similar to you, the relationship with my ex-T was more of an re-enactment of unmet childhood needs that were often triggered and replayed repeatedly. ex-Ts inconsistencies and counter transference did nothing but aggravate the triggers more. there was never a chance to move forward from the unmet needs or to grieve them properly. it never quite felt safe enough with ex-T to be able to achieve that.

my hubby was very supportive of me when he knew i was needing to get myself unattached to my T and out of that unhealthy relationship. i'm not sure if i would have been able to do it, move forward as much as i have, to be free or be alive today if it wasn't for hubbys solid dedication and on going support.
Thanks for this!
here today
  #46  
Old Apr 16, 2019, 06:09 AM
Anonymous41422
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Quote:
Originally Posted by koru_kiwi View Post
my husband attended almost every session, twice a week for a while, for the last 2.5 years of my therapy. after the first year of therpay, i started opening up to my hubby more about me and my issues and started feeling safe enough to discuss some of the issues i was experiencing with my T. more than anything, hubby wanted to help, and this was one way that he could. he was like my 'consultant' or advisor, especially when ruptures occurred between my T and me. after a period of feeling stuck and at an impasse with my T, i asked both hubby and T if it would be ok if hubby could join my sessions for a while to offer a 'neutral ear' between T and me to help us get past the impasse. this worked quite well, and we decided to continue having hubby involved in my sessions.

having hubby there was great for both the physical and emotional support he could provide during and between sessions and it allowed him to understand me and the dynamics of my relationship with my T better. having hubby involved felt like we all (T, hubby and me) were a team working towards the common goal of helping me to get better. hubby learned a lot in my sessions and this in return helped to strengthen our relationship. in the end, it actually was hubby who i was able to form a 'secure' attachment with, and not my T. hubby was available and could support me in ways ex-T never realistically could, and it was that level of care that i truly was needing to help me move forward. similar to you, the relationship with my ex-T was more of an re-enactment of unmet childhood needs that were often triggered and replayed repeatedly. ex-Ts inconsistencies and counter transference did nothing but aggravate the triggers more. there was never a chance to move forward from the unmet needs or to grieve them properly. it never quite felt safe enough with ex-T to be able to achieve that.

my hubby was very supportive of me when he knew i was needing to get myself unattached to my T and out of that unhealthy relationship. i'm not sure if i would have been able to do it, move forward as much as i have, to be free or be alive today if it wasn't for hubbys solid dedication and on going support.
Wow. This is amazing and inspiring on the part of your husband (and of course for you in your willingness to see therapy through).

I am so glad you have him! I’m also glad your therapy came to a successful resolution almost in spite of your therapist. The transition of attachment to someone who can actually meet your needs is the optimal outcome of any therapy - at least how I’ve come to understand it. Love to read positive endings!

Last edited by Anonymous41422; Apr 16, 2019 at 06:23 AM.
Thanks for this!
here today, koru_kiwi
  #47  
Old Apr 22, 2019, 06:03 AM
SalingerEsme's Avatar
SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2017
Location: Neverland
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Quote:
Where I find myself getting angry is in the fact that those of us who end up in this horrific situation already have histories of extremely painful childhoods. It’s like adding a secondary trauma on top of what is already there
I agree with this. The first core trauma sets up the one in therapy, bc it rings a bell that was once rung in the past, mixing together the past and the present . It all hurts. My parents used to fight, and put us to sleep with sips of win and benadryl . I would wake up on the floor or wherever, and then be immediately dressed in Laura Ashley blah blah, told to put a smile on my face, and go to school to act out a facade. That was a good night. So now my relatively blank slate T presents me with a facade, and it scares me. i don't want to break his social rules, so I am often at sea with what I can and cant say. Like yesterday he did therapist yawn that I guess is supposed to fool me. I felt pressure to pretend I didn't see it, but also I started wondering oh did he sty up late with a sick kid, am I boring etc. I end up producing a facade again, often. My T once wrote intensively about my case on Reddit, and I was both devastated and relieved. Devastated by he is less an expert in CSA than he projects and he broke my confidentially in a way and then relieved bc he gave the post a very tender name, seemed committed to the case etc. He will not talk about this, except to say he is sorry if he makes mistakes, that he is only human, and that he never wants to fail me. He has lied a few times also, and those too just pile up unspoken of. In other situations, he comes through big with an unexpectedly tender and loyal comment. He is scary smart, and his insight and turn of phrase and beauty of expression are almost an aesthetic pleasure as well as intimate. All in all therapy is very messy for me. I am scared often, and don't know what is happening, yet I am oriented to my T is a very intense way in which I feel I cant live without him. This hasn't been part of my outside relationships- the close-to -obsessing. I think from his training he is trying to be internalized by me as a "good object", but to me he is a source of extreme ambivalence.
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  #48  
Old Apr 22, 2019, 09:04 AM
here today here today is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 3,517
An update, for what it is worth. May seem self-absorbed and not related to the topic of this thread but I will try to relate it at the end.

Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
. . .
Things are desolate here at my house. One of my cats was just diagnosed with cancer and there's likely not much to do about it -- I don't think putting him through surgery for just a few months would likely be in his interest. I may get more information from a specialty vet next week. I've been clearing out the accumulation of 30 years and more in my house so that I can move to an apartment closer to my son. Years and years of being a somewhat career woman, wife, mother, and over the last 20 years pretty much an emotional wreck and therapy addict. All that time, and identities, and stuff -- now gone.

There's a toxicity in the relationship with my daughter I've not found a way to overcome. We both participate these days in slightly disparaging, somewhat disguised and excuse-ridded discounting of each other. It got overtly too much for me on Friday, when I had just gotten the news about the cat.
. . ..
Things are maybe better with my daughter than I thought. She hasn't cut me off again, I'm glad about that.

The cat died Friday. An in-home vet and I agreed he was going downhill and that more misery was likely not in his interest. I'm devastated about that -- AND I know that I loved him.

AND, so in a way, I know I was not loved in the environment I grew up in. That's (mostly?) what to me been so confusing and misleading and denial-provoking and producing living-in-fantasy, I think. The psychotherapy "experts" may have that right -- but the therapy "relationships" were not sufficient as a resolution. At least not in my case.

That environment. I didn't have an environment where real love existed. My late husband and I loved each other -- both of us were damaged personalities, probably, and the individual damage didn't get in the way of us loving each other. That CAN happen, despite what current experts say.

And then he died, and the core of me was not engaged with anybody much in the larger society, didn't/couldn't participate except on a surface level, and that was further desolating.

Except that 3 and 4 years after he died the cats came into my life. I had known the kittens since they were born. And vice versa. They were people to me and I am/was people to them I feel confident. They could exist OK without my love, but they also have the capability to respond to it, somehow, and so -- I loved. And feel that love. And so know I was not loved. No use blaming the parents and other folks -- they didn't have it, they were damaged, damage had been passed down for who knows how many generations. They did their best.

Pets -- cats especially -- are relatively safe to love. It likely won't mess them up too bad if you do it wrong, don't love them enough, etc. And yet they can respond when you do love them. So, the 16 years I have had with them have been somewhat healing.

Starting over -- that's a toughie. I don't feel a direction to go in with that. Three of 6 cats remain and I love them. And knowing how I feel about them helps to sort out the love I have for my children from other things I may feel about them from time to time, sometimes remnants of those old dynamics and patterns.

So, keeping on keeping on. . .Until it's my time to go, too. That's about all the starting over I have for the moment.
Hugs from:
Anonymous41422, koru_kiwi, SlumberKitty
  #49  
Old May 07, 2019, 06:12 PM
Ella789 Ella789 is offline
New Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Uk
Posts: 2
Hi All,

Thank you for sharing your stories. They resonate quite a lot with me. It is really useful to hear and great to hear the process you are making since ending your therapy.

I was just wondering, if anyone is ok to share A is there anyone from the U.K. on here or are most people US based?
  #50  
Old May 08, 2019, 07:58 PM
Oxolyric Oxolyric is offline
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Member Since: May 2019
Location: Uk
Posts: 13
I’m uk based- east anglia
Reply
Views: 15549

attentionThis is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.




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