Therapy Trauma, Healing and Starting Over

How are you doing, PurpleMirrors? I noticed you posted a link to this thread and wondered if you might be interested in reviving some themes here, especially as regards healing. Or, it might be better for me to write "healing", as I seem to have no clue what that might mean.

A big empty space is something I think I experienced in my early life, then numbed out and defended over it. So, perhaps, the (reenacted?) rejection I experienced with my last T activated that long-buried, dissociated experience. However anybody conceptualizes it, the question remains -- how to 'heal' from that and what I now feel is betrayal by the institution of psychotherapy and the institutions of society which support it unquestioningly.

I think I've largely dealt with the trauma neurologically just by tolerating it over time. Cold turkey, so I'm not feeling a need for EMDR or neurofeedback. I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me at the moment.

To me, what's needed is a kind of social healing. There's an empty hole in me where the world of people I love might be and an empty hole in society, or a community, where the shell of me ever shows up because the essence of me isn't there. In other words, I guess I'm saying I AM that empty hole. Or else sometimes unrelatedly emotional -- which is what I learned how to do in therapy.

Perhaps at this point the issue may include social anxiety on my part, trying to learn through trial and error -- and the errors seem so endless and demoralizing. I'm old, I'm tired, some people never "heal". I've certainly seen that happen with others who have done their best.

What does healing mean, to you?

Hi here today -

I’m still on what I consider to be a positive track!

At the moment, healing work to me means letting go of the anger I feel towards both my therapist and therapy in general. I think it’s easy to stay ‘stuck’ in a cycle of replaying what hurt me and remaining in ‘victim limbo’. I’m trying to assume more self-agency, accept responsibility for my own feelings, and re-direct energy towards things that add to my life vs depleat it. I’m planning to take a break from the boards since it’s adding fuel to the fire.

In terms of the rest of my life, things are going well. I don’t consider myself depressed, nor I am seeking help from anyone including other therapists. That’s huge progress since I spent so long dependent on the system and wasting money and time on a destructive path to nowhere.

Self-care has been key to keeping sane. I eat well, exercise, sleep 8 hours a night, keep engaged in social activities and journal. I now have a deep understanding that the only person who will take care of me is me.

Hope all is well with you!

Thanks for that perspective and description. It's good to hear the path described that way. Before therapy, I was probably addicted to trying to do, and see, things "the right" way. Your perspective may not be considered, "right" by some but it certainly seems well-grounded in your experience.

And that sounds like a kind of "healing" to me.

Exactly!

I’ve abandoned the concept of right or wrong and focus now on what gives me the best quality of life. No sense in doing things the right way and being miserable.

I don’t consider myself cured or enlightened but I am certainly more ‘awake’ and realistic about my circumstances than before this gigantic therapy mess. Despite being an exceptionally painful experience, I don’t know that I would change anything based on the depth of where I was forced to go when things went wrong and what I gained by helping myself out of it.

thanks for the update PM. so eloquently stated and i agree with every word of it

glad to hear that you are not only seeing, but starting to experience the light on the other side as well

I learned far more from my bad therapy than my harmless therapy. I learned to disregard anyone who pretends to be a guru, who offers mystification over science, who poses as an undeserved "authority." I think that "progress" is what I accomplish, not the drama in my own mind. I learned that "knowing myself" is creating a future rather than obsessing on the past, and that I'm the owner of my own life.

Thanks for sharing and offering hope. Glad to hear you are on the other side of it. Keep going

[QUOTE=PurpleMirrors3;6500010]The thing to recognize is that it’s a choice to engage in these dynamics. We can’t help how we feel and respond to individuals that fit this criteria, but we can choose to remove ourselves from situations that are harmful and from people that don’t make us feel good about ourselves.

This thought helps me know that I am not as vulnerable I was before my experience , but feeds into my " I know better, what was I thinking etc etc " - beating myself up for the past.

[QUOTE=Topiarysurvivor;6587387]There’s a lot I could beat myself up for too, and often do. Some lessons are harder to learn than others.

When I find myself going down this road, I tell myself - I did the best I could at the time with the resources I had available. What more can we do?

Lots of insightful comments here from OP and everyone else. OP's message is very uplifting.

The most difficult thing to let go of for me has been the therapist voice that I've introjected (if that's the right way to describe it). This voice of right and wrong. This voice that says I'm always overreacting and it's all my fault. I find myself constantly seeking permission from this voice especially when it comes to my dealings with authority figures. It's much like the inner critic that's a feature of childhood trauma. It's so frustrating and totally disempowering to feel like I have to go in front of a tribunal whenever I want to stand up for myself or protest unfair treatment especially at work. That's where it's most prevalent. It's like this condescending voice that's always undermining me. I'm trying to work through it.