Does young = bad?

My guess is if you start telling him about the feelings that you've been writing about here, it will become automatic. It has a way of 'syncing' on its own. In between sessions, you would continue processing like you've been doing on here.

As soon as I sit down, it flows out naturally. Like Feileacan said, it can take time or this may not work for everyone. But otherwise, it happens automatically in sessions. I was thinking you sound more neurotic (mild), but then wonder about what's all inside because you're starting to talk about abandonment issues, which are somewhat common.

Everything you said below makes sense in the environment your grew up in, where you tiptoed around the needs of others and had no one there for you. Your T is stirring up those feelings. If you choose to go back, you could go in and just start telling him all of the feelings you brought up here. I wouldn't worry too much about making sense of things at this point because you just not contemplated a big change from somewhat revealing yourself outside of session to revealing yourself in session.

Going in you could start talking about how his ending the email made you feel like too much, and all the shame, etc. like you have here. After vacations they tend to be a bit warmer when greeting angry clients upon their return, so next session may be a feel good session if you go.

Young does not equal bad.

It seems he wants you to be independent and not so emotionally reliant on him. He also wants you to bring material in person rather than via circuitous modes of relating i.e. email, which can lead to emotional/angry outbursts as you say happened. That is a setback he wants to avoid.

He is trying to empower you rather than having you revert to a younger developmental stage or emotional dependence (e.g. with the reassurance in between sessions or external soothing his emails would bring etc.).

I agree with most of this except I would say I am not at all emotionally reliant on him. I know the email issue makes it seem like it, but it’s actually not something we talk about too much and other than that I don’t think I have seemed emotionally reliant - possibly the opposite. It seems if anything it might makes sense for him to allow me to experience a modicum of emotional reliance.

I would like to go in on Wednesday and bring up the things that have come up here, but my pattern has been to go into “it’s fine” mode when I’m in session and I’m worried I might just naturally do that. I guess that’s partly why I send emails. I have the best if intentions, but we’ll see how it turns out. Seems like it shouldn’t be that hard, but it is.

I know what you mean about "it's fine mode". You seem to have been navigating changing that, which may be why your resistances kicked in and you quit. It's sounds like you are changing course.

You don't think that your entire week is affected by his not responding to your email is a sign of dependence?

I also don't think he's trying to "make you" independent but would say he observes you just as you are and helps you figure out who you are.

This therapy encourages dependence as working through the transference is also how you develop a solid sense of self and therefore become a separate person. Your T is cast in the parental role because you are dependent, which is why it's bringing all the feelings to the surface. Just about everyone is vulnerable and dependent inside and the therapy draws it out.

Best of luck Wednesday.

It seems to me that sending emails probably makes you more likely to go into "it's fine" mode. You work out your thoughts and emotions while you're writing and then in session you can be more detached from them.

Did you go Wednesday?

Curious also if your dependency feelings are surfacing more now.