[Wiggle118]

I can’t sleep or stop crying, so...

My partner does not always behave appropriately towards our daughter, like earlier in the week he pushed her because she wasn’t walking quickly enough. She wasn’t harmed and did not fall over, but still bad.

Anyway, I’ve phoned and emailed children’s safeguarding services myself, as well as other agencies, and I’ve always been told that my situation is not a concern of immediate risk. But, today my therapist phones on my behalf and they want a referral. I now feel that the situation has been completely taken out of my hands. I have no idea what will happen once the referral has been submitted.

And I’m not sure I want to continue with my therapist. I know she did what she had to do and I’m not challenging that, but now she’s not external to everything, she’s involved. Perhaps this feeling will change with time? But, I’m sure if I can be completely open with her now. Does that make any sense? I’m not sure it does. Am I just directling my feelings about the situation towards her?

[toomanycats]

Can I ask why you stay with a partner who isn't appropriate with your daughter? Or do you mean a divorced partner who still has visitation rights? Otherwise, I'm not sure why you'd call children's safeguarding services but stay with said person.

[Wiggle118]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Can I ask why you stay with a partner who isn't appropriate with your daughter? Or do you mean a divorced partner who still has visitation rights? Otherwise, I'm not sure why you'd call children's safeguarding services but stay with said person.

Fair question. My fault for not giving all information.

I’m not. I’m taking steps to leave. I’ve had talks with solicitor, looking into housing, etc. but as it’s a domestic abuse situation, I have to do all this without my partner knowing. My concern about the referral being made is that my partner will find out what I’ve said about him before my daughter and I have left.

I can’t let him know it’s over until I’ve moved out already.

[SlumberKitty]

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hope you can get out safely and keep your daughter safe. As to your question about not being sure if you can be completely open with your T--I don't think we can answer that, but it sounds like from the small bit that you shared, that your T cares about you, your daughter, and your well-being. You might be projecting emotions onto her because of the situation, which would be usual, I should think. But it seems like you should have someone on your team, on your side, as you work through trying to leave. If your T can be a support to you, then I think that's a good thing. I know you are in a scary situation, but as you said, it is out of your hands now. I just hope that you are able to be with your daughter in safety. HUGS Kit

[divine1966]

If you have no where to go, you take your child TODAY and go to domestic abuse shelter, homeless shelter, police. You do not stay with a man who abuses your daughter another minute. Domestic abuse shelters would help you. But right now you child might be actually taken away from you if investigation would prove that you witnessed child abuse and didn’t report your partne to authorities. I hope it won’t come to that.

Right now I wouldn’t worry about therapist. He or she did their job. Please focus on getting yourself and most importantly your child into safety

[growlycat]

As you probably know, therapists legally have to report child or vulnerable adult abuse.
I can understand lining up everything so you can leave in an optimal way.
One thought I had was maybe your daughter can stay with a friend or another family member under the pretense of a “visit” or “sleepover”. So your spouse does not become suspicious and your daughter is kept out of harms way. I hope you can get out quickly.

[toomanycats]

Thanks for explaining. I'm glad you are taking steps to leave. That sounds like a very frightening situation. I think, in this case, this is your therapist doing what she must in order to take care of you and your daughter. Sometimes, being taken care of sucks...hurts...is terrifying. I would honestly address your feelings and fears with your therapist.

[satsuma]

When you say 'on my behalf' - did you ask the therapist to do this, or agree to them doing it?

If you did I think it was a decision you made while talking things through with someone and from what you have written not at all the first time you have thought that it would be good to get in touch with the safeguarding people. So I think it's likely that it was a good and well thought through decision, even though it now feels very scary.

Perhaps the therapist, being outside the situation and possibly having dealt with safeguarding services before, was able to give them the information that they need to know in a very clear way, which is understandably a more difficult thing to do for someone who is in the situation (we might get scared, doubt our own version of events, downplay things to not risk sounding dramatic, not want to fully explain, etc. I'm speaking from personal experience with this.)

I wonder if one of the reasons this is so upsetting is that having the safeguarding service say they want a referral is that this makes the issue more 'real' to you and one that isn't so easy to minimise in your own mind? Does it change the way you see things e.g. around whether you should leave your partner?

[nottrustin]

Do you think your T felt it was safe for you of she mDw the report? Then T is to blame and not you?

Whatever the intentions were, please stay safe for not only your child but you as well. Nobody deserves to be abused...period.

[sarahsweets]

I agree with divine- you should not expose your daughter to another minute of abuse from this guy.

[Wiggle118]

Originally Posted by satsuma

When you say 'on my behalf' - did you ask the therapist to do this, or agree to them doing it?

Basically I’ve phoned quite a few different agencies and support services, I get given a recommendation to contact somebody else, which I do, and then they direct me to somebody else. I keep getting passed around, even by the people that my T spoke to. I’ve phoned them three times myself over the last few weeks. So, I shared my frustration with T and she offered to call up on my behalf for advice, which I agreed to.

She did tell me that I’m probably minimising it when I talk about it, which is normal because I’m very used to it. She said I need to overplay it, rather than downplay it, which I guess is why they’ve listen to her.

I have plenty of emails (and my call history) to demonstrate that I have asked for their option several times.

Everyone else has already said the things concerning the abuse and not staying in it.
You said on your OP that you are considering leaving your T over it. I can see where that would come into your mind, but unless there is another reason, I wouldn't do that. This T is obviously intimately familiar with your situation and has taken steps to help protect you and your daughter from further abuse. It would seem that leaving this T would in essence be leaving the center of your support system. Having someone there that understands what's happened and to support through the tough road in front of you will be vital.

[WishfulThinker66]

Why on earth would you be with someone who is of danger to your child? You bear some responsibility here and that means getting your daughter out NOW! I don't care how much you feel for this man, get your daughter out immediately.

[Wiggle118]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

Why on earth would you be with someone who is of danger to your child? You bear some responsibility here and that means getting your daughter out NOW! I don't care how much you feel for this man, get your daughter out immediately.

If you read it through, you’ll see that I’m taking steps to leave. Every agency that I have contacted has said that I’m doing all the right things.

And I’m gay, so I don’t feel anything for him. So many assumptions!

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Wiggle118

If you read it through, you’ll see that I’m taking steps to leave. Every agency that I have contacted has said that I’m doing all the right things.

And I’m gay, so I don’t feel anything for him. So many assumptions!

If you don’t even feel anything for him then why don’t you leave? Pack your back or no bags) and get out. You can do logistics and legal stuff when your child is in safety.

If you can’t move yourself, ask someone to take your child temporarily. You don’t have a single person in the entire world who could keep your child for the time being? Relative? Coworker? Neighbor? People at kid’s school? Even your therapist said that you downplayed it to agencies so of course they didn’t get involved.

Why isn’t your child safety come first? Get her out of that house ASAP. Like right now. Take your child to children services. Shelter. Police. Believe children services wouldn’t look favorably that you kept your child in abusive situation that long. Longer you let it go on harder it will be to explain it to services.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by Wiggle118

If you read it through, you’ll see that I’m taking steps to leave. Every agency that I have contacted has said that I’m doing all the right things.

And I’m gay, so I don’t feel anything for him. So many assumptions!

Wiggle I know how hard it is to leave. It is easy for others to say just leave. Sounds like you are doing what it takes to get out safely. Keep asking what you are doing and l listen to those who know your situation.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If you don’t even feel anything for him then why don’t you leave? Pack your back or no bags) and get out. You can do logistics and legal stuff when your child is in safety.

If you can’t move yourself, ask someone to take your child temporarily. You don’t have a single person in the entire world who could keep your child for the time being? Relative? Coworker? Neighbor? People at kid’s school? Even your therapist said that you downplayed it to agencies so of course they didn’t get involved.

Why isn’t your child safety come first? Get her out of that house ASAP. Like right now. Take your child to children services. Shelter. Police. Believe children services wouldn’t look favorably that you kept your child in abusive situation that long. Longer you let it go on harder it will be to explain it to services.

All I can say is wow!!!

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Wiggle, it sounds like your t has gotten the ball rolling on getting you and your daughter in a safe place.

It's understandable to have mixed feelings about her involvement. Totally makes sense, and I think you've even identified a bit of why it feels that way, because her direct involvement makes it easy to direct your feelings about the situation toward her. It may be wise to stick with her, as she knows the ins and outs, the real ones, and will be able to help you weigh all of the things you're facing as you navigate the next steps.

Stay safe.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

All I can say is wow!!!

I advocate for children’s well being at all times. Tolerating abuse of children is out of the question. Everything else in life can wait. Abuse physical or emotional or otherwise will damage a child forever. Things need to be done and fast. Telling OP that she should continue taking steps all awhile child is being abused is the same as being complacent with child abuse. It will never be ok with me

[JaneTennison1]

Anyway, I’ve phoned and emailed children’s safeguarding services myself, as well as other agencies, and I’ve always been told that my situation is not a concern of immediate risk.

OP seems to have contacted people for help who have downplayed the situation. I dont see that making assumptions about this situation is helpful. Neither is saying "get out" with now plan on how to safely do that.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I advocate for children’s well being at all times. Tolerating abuse of children is out of the question. Everything else in life can wait. Abuse physical or emotional or otherwise will damage a child forever. Things need to be done and fast. Telling OP that she should continue taking steps all awhile child is being abused is the same as being complacent with child abuse. It will never be ok with me

Again we dont know the situation. Through my job we ate frequently a part of this very situation. We on occasion help make those phone calls.. we also frequently have advocates from the abuse advocacy program. Sometimes it has to be slower than everybody would like in order for the mom and children to be safe. Leaving can be very dangerous. One can ad oxare and support with compassion.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Again we dont know the situation. Through my job we ate frequently a part of this very situation. We on occasion help make those phone calls.. we also frequently have advocates from the abuse advocacy program. Sometimes it has to be slower than everybody would like in order for the mom and children to be safe. Leaving can be very dangerous. One can ad oxare and support with compassion.

That’s why I suggested taking your child to safety if you yourself cannot leave and then deal yourself with your violent partners, don’t subject your child to it. Other options are going to domestic abuse shelter. They help abuse victims who are afraid to leave otherwise. I do understand people having difficulty leaving abusive partners but watching ones child being mistreated just isn’t a viable option. It wasn’t one time incident. It’s been going on.

I do feel enormous amount of compassion and support towards innocent child who simply has zero options here. If I lived anywhere in the area, I’d take said child in a heart beat or made sure she is in safety. Not only because I am a mandated reporter and a mother. I offer support with compassion. Compassion towards poor child who didn’t choose the kind of man to live with

Everyone feels compassion for abuser or whoever watches abuse happening or even a therapist but what about compassion towards innocent child?

[WarmFuzzySocks]

If only advocacy were as simple as telling someone else exactly what they should be doing....

[Echos Myron redux]

Leaving a DV situation before all of the necessary safety provisions are in place can be incredibly dangerous and put the child and mother at more serious risk than staying for the short term . It's not as we would wish it to be, but that is the truth of the situation for many.

I don't know if that's the case for OP but I suspect it is, since she had already begun the leaving process and it is obviously taking some careful planning. I would rather they got out well, to a place of safety than got out quickly only to come to greater harm.

[satsuma]

And I’m not sure I want to continue with my therapist. I know she did what she had to do and I’m not challenging that, but now she’s not external to everything, she’s involved. Perhaps this feeling will change with time? But, I’m sure if I can be completely open with her now. Does that make any sense? I’m not sure it does. Am I just directling my feelings about the situation towards her?[/QUOTE]

Wiggle - regarding your original post about having your T involved and how you reacted. I have something to share which is quite personal, but I think it shows that this kind of thing can be very difficult and very complex.

I also, a while ago, reported a close family member, via social services, having been strongly encouraged to do so by my best friend.

It was an incredibly difficult thing to do. It irreversibly changed my relationship with some of the people closest to me, and it also had a huge effect on my friendship with my BF who had encouraged me very strongly to report. And I did partly have the feeling that 'it's all very well for me BF, it's very obvious to them that it's the right thing to do, but they are not the one having their whole life dismantled and who is going to have these live with it for the rest of their life'.

I think the reporting was the hardest thing I have ever ever done. Because I had been hugely gas-lighted and told 'nothing happened' or 'you re a disturbed liar' and I had some quite extreme dissociation where large parts of my life were 'not true' and 'had never happened'. And crazy as it sounds, that denial and dissociation had a purpose because it allowed me to 'switch off' my emotions, ignore huge parts of my life, and so actually allowed me to function from day to day and do the things I needed todo to get an education, get a job, function in the workplace and so on, everything that is totally necessary to be able to feed oneself and not be homeless and do all the other things to meet the bottom most basic level of that hierarchy of needs.

Reports to an external agency, with the consequences that inevitably follow, dismantled that coping mechanism of denial and dissociation completely and permently, profoundly affected my sense of my own identity and the narrative of my life. It was so difficult that I was acutely suicidal afterwards and even had to have an emergency psych referral for being acutely suicidal.

I'm not saying this to scare you!! I just wanted to validate what you are feeling and the conflicting emotions about having had this reported and having someone take the situation seriously. It's not at all unusual, I think, to find it very difficult and also to have difficult and conflicting feelings toward someone who is actually on your side - your therapist - and has been involved in this reporting.

Also if you want to check out any of my other posts you can see that I'm very far from feeling suicidal now and in fact life is pretty good - I am still best friends with the person I referred to - I have the best possible relationship with family members, and life for me is pretty good. I got through that really difficult time!! I wish the same for you