Referred to children’s services by T

I know what needs to be done and what people need to be doing (from a professional stand point) when a child is in danger, remove a child from dangerous situation ASAP. Adult can do whatever they see fit of course after child is moved to safety.

Keeping children in unsafe situation isn’t an option.

I also know people (professionally) who lost their children (lost as children were taken away and lost as child ended up dead) because they didn’t want to remove their children from unsafe situation with violent partner and “were taking their steps figuring out how to move out”. I know what I am talking about.

Making someone feel ashamed for not taking the course of action you would take rarely helps them out of the situation they are in. Arguing and winning this point will not help OP out of the situation she is in. OP contacted authorities and was told it was not an immediate risk and now she is taking steps to safely remove herself.

To that point OP I hope you can find a way to see your T again, yes maybe now she is "in" the situation but maybe it will be nice to have someone in with you. I hope you can work through this.

I assume you also know the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person tries to leave or the weeks after.

Yes. If going to domestic abuse shelter for whatever reason isn’t possible, removing a child from bad situation is step one and needs to happen ASAP, abuse usually escalates. An adult can stay behind and deal with logistics. I am not saying OP needs to leave (I did intially but she said she can’t) I am saying she needs to remove her child. That’s ours, adults’, responsibility. Child didn’t choose this man to be her father or be pushed around.

No one concerned about children’s welfare would ever advice people to keep children in abusive situations.

Except the authorities who did and who told op that this wasnt an immediate risk.

It's a little like seeing someone in the bottom of a hole.

"Hey! You're in a hole! You need to get out of that hole right now!" isn't particularly helpful.

"Hey, that hole you're in...there's a way out. It's up here. Here's a ladder. Haven't climbed a ladder before? Let me show you. You've got this, one hand in front of the other. Can I hold some of your things for you while you climb the ladder? Let me tell you what's at the top of the ladder so you know what to expect. At the top of the ladder is safety. You can do this. I'll steady the ladder while you climb..." I am SO incredibly grateful for the people who've held the ladder for me, including my therapist.

OP, keep climbing. Wishing you safety and peace.

What a lovely post. Thank you for making it. OP, I am also wishing the best for you in a difficult time.

Hi Wiggle, I don’t know where you are right now or if it even feels safe to check your own thread at this point. I’m sorry. I worked with child services for many years, I was a child that everyone agrees *should* have been removed from their home and I am a mom that has gotten herself into some messy places with my child. Yes, your child’s safety needs to be your number one concern period. Sometimes walking out without a plan and without resources is not the best plan for your child either. There are so very many variables. When teachers wanted to call child services on my parents I was thankfully old enough to sit down and talk with them and we all agreed removal at that point was not in my best interest. Had I been removed earlier it would have been different. The system is NOT a healthy place for any child and no matter how much you explain things to them or how old they are being removed IS a trauma. It sounds like there are not a lot of resources in your area and/or they are overburdened to the point of being difficult to get assistance from.
I would suggest having a “go bag” somewhere with essentials including copies of any important documents and a couple days worth of regular medications and some cash if you can spare it. Obviously you don’t want it in the open but someplace where you could get to it. A friend may even be able to keep the go bag for you if they can’t take you and your child in. If your partner is prone to violence I would go someplace he will not go looking for you at. Going to a friends can sometimes put everyone at greater risk. Having cash for a hotel would be helpful do not use a credit card, it can be tracked. Be careful of any cell phones or computers as well as many of them can be tracked.
Personally I would be working with my T on a safety plan. What would the final straw be that you knew you had to go. When and how could you call the police if needed. Make a plan to gather the resources you need to go. A domestic violence shelter should also be able to help you come up with a crisis plan and a move out plan even if going to the shelter is not an option or not a good option at this time.
Feel free to PM me if you need someone.

Therapist suggested that danger was intially minimized and OP agreed it’s likely because she got used to it. So authorities didn’t find to be a risk because it was perhaps minimized.

Listen folks it’s fine. I don’t live in the same country, cannot report it as I don’t know where OP lives and cannot take this child or I would. It’s not about OP. It’s about getting child to safety. I can’t do nothing about it but it doesn’t mean it’s ok. None of is ok. Condoning this isn’t ok. But I’ll step out. Carry on folks. I’ll pray for the child.

Thank you for all the replies. To my knowledge, as that is what I’ve been advised, there is no immediate risk and I have been doing everything I should have been doing.

The main purpose of this thread, on this forum, was to talk about whether I am being reasonable in wanting to end therapy and gain opinions on that, so thanks to those of you who have responded to that part of my OP.

I still feel that I want to pull out of therapy with this therapist. I’ve not told her that yet, but it sort of feels that she’s not on my side anymore. She’s not external to everything and now I can’t be honest and open with her.

I would give her the chance for you two to talk it out but I can totally see where it would be hard for you to perceive her as neutral at this point. I know if my T called it would seriously break our rapport and there would be several highly emotional sessions/emails deciding if we could continue or not. At the very least there would be a lot of things that would be “off the table” for bringing up in therapy which defeats the purpose. If documentation is needed I am sure she would have to hold onto it for a time and you could request copies of it.

Thank you for this.

I have emailed my T with my concerns, so hopefully it can be resolved.

For those of you concerned that I’m not doing enough for my daughter, a police officer is coming to see myself and my daughter tomorrow.

HUGS Wiggle, I hope it goes well--both with the T and the police--and that you can find safety. HUGS Kit

Hugs hope you can find safety and it goes well with the police

That’s excellent re police officer. I hope for the best outcome.

no 'immediate risk' does not connote 'no risk'. This is still a situation you need to deal with right now. Why wait for that risk to become worse. The child - and you - are still in jeopardy. I reiterate that you need to take action.

I really liked the post above describing how to take some measures to plan your leaving and I suggest you heed the advice - particularly the 'go bag'. What a great idea. Reaching out to shelters and friends now is a good idea too.

Again, I say don't wait. Make plans now. Consider what will it look like when I must act and prepare for that day now.

So...the referral went through, deemed low risk, but we are going to be offered support. I’ve been calling everyday, but I won’t know what’s actually going on for a bit longer because they want to put it in a letter to my house...so my partner might see, see me open it, I’ll have to store it in some way...is it me, or is that stupid? How do they think that I’ll explain it to him?

Glad you’ll get support, but I understand your worries about the letter. Is the place fairly close to you? If so, could you offer to pick up the letter? Or maybe have it sent to a trusted friends house?

No, it's not you, it's stupid. They should be asking you how they can get a letter to you safely.

By the way, I recall reading about an app launched in the UK some months ago that had a way for victims to keep track of important things and linked them up with support. I thought it was a good step forward for services related to DV in the UK, which I thought might be ahead of the U.S.

UK's first app to provide support for victims of domestic violence has launched | London Evening Standard

I don't work often with victims in the context of child protective services anymore, but I used to. My experience in the US system was that workers inside child protection were much less educated and sophisticated (and helpful, honestly) to victims than pretty much anyone else. So the stupidity you are facing now is likely to be par for the course. Also, expect them to blame you for your partner's violence and (as you've already experienced) offer inadequate assistance.

Have you reached out to a domestic violence shelter/program near you? If not, I'd recommend you do so. They may be able to help you anticipate the issues with child protection services and guide you.

I am replying to several posts at once here. The risk is highest just as you’re leaving. Let’s please give the OP a little credit for all the risk assessment and the planning they have done and not presume that we are greater experts on their situation than they are. It is truly unhelpful to be further disempowered when one is in an abusive relationship. There is nothing to suggest that OP is ignoring the threat to their daughter.

They determined it’s low risk by talking to you? How did they decide it’s low risk? Is your child school age? They usually come to school to see said child obviously more than once, at least here they do

You should tell them to send letter elsewhere like your work place or PO Box or friends house? Tell them to NOT send you any letters. Are they offering support in regards to help you move out? In the US they won’t help wuth that but domestic abuse shelters do. At least in my area they do