Drama in my imaginary relationship with T

Interesting because I have more of an avoidant attachment but am doing the same thing and asking the same questions. Although I guess I’m avoiding asking the questions directly to my T, and trying to “suck it up” and deal with it myself. Maybe that’s the difference?

The stuff I've highlighted kind of sounds like you're minimizing your own feelings. You want the calm, civilized person to be you and the angry, emotional person to be somebody else, but they are both you. The only way to integrate these halves is to risk letting things get a little messy in the therapy room. I recommend getting really angry and taking him to task in session over a real or imagined slight or disappointment (I have picked some very odd things in my time!), but you have to do you.

I think it's great that you're aware that you have cast him in a particular role. That's what transference is. If he can do his job well (not every T can), he will play the role he has been assigned but do it just differently enough from what you're expecting to give you a new, better relational experience. That space between what you expect him to do and what he actually does is where your wounds can get healed and where your core beliefs can get shifted. The only risk is that if he doesn't know what he's doing, he can tank this phase of therapy and you'll stay on your best behavior.

Aw, thanks, Lrad. But I was never this way (until right at the end) with ex-MC or ex-T (and I saw her for 6 years). I'm not sure if it's progress in therapy, my particular relationship with this T, or both that lets me do that now. And my T's natural inclination is not to be reassuring, certainly not "warm and fuzzy" as he says ex-MC is (he knows him), but he has his moments. I think he's tried to adapt to me as much as he can, but it can be hard for him to understand why I can't just accept he cares and is invested by his actions and his attention to me (this came up Thursday). He often seems to be particularly reassuring over email, so maybe that's why I often want that from him?

I can understand your reluctance to bring this up with your T because you don't know if you'll get the response you'd want. I definitely think it could help to talk about your difficulty in talking at times and how maybe he could help lead you a little bit (that's one thing my T has no issue with doing!) Even if it goes against his style, maybe if you could say something like, "I might need a little help figuring out what to talk about today," or something like that, he could take the lead a little.

I can definitely relate to this and in fact when I first met my T he said something about how it seemed like I needed someone to push up against and I didn’t really understand what he meant. But I’ve since met with another T and told my T multiple times, both directly and indirectly, that I don’t think he’s all that helpful and doesn’t know what he’s doing. I was an extremely well-behaved kid (and adult), so I guess this is different for me.

You sound like my T. He is constantly saying how we can feel opposite things at the same time. I think what you are saying and advising me to do is very wise, I just don’t know if I can. It would be easier if he’d act like an outright jerk so I can let my anger out because I know the anger is there, it’s just easily tamed in session. He has also talked about integrating the person I am in emails with the person I am in session. Intellectually I want to do this, but I’m having trouble making it happen.

ok, was thinking how quickly you overcame but haven't been reading the in session posts either.

I had the preoccupied pattern too but we worked through most of the transferences so much of it is gone. I remember how intense it used to be though....

I was always 'good' too during the younger years.

Thing is, to be that good, one has restricted impulses. A lot of your distress seems to be around the impulses, and of course the ongoing conflicts where part of you wants to hold back and part of you wants to disclose, but that's part of the therapy process to navigate and integrate into your sense of self.

His responding to the emails before quelled your impulses, and I think that's where the compartmentalization is. Those are the raw feelings that don't really change with a person unlike higher level emotion.

I don't know if this is your experience in terms of impulsed, but the most difficult part of therapy for me was the release of these intense impuses and having to learn how to manage.

Your ego doesn't know how to regulate as you've held back your whole life. This therapy fixes this long term (in my experience). It's hard!!

(explaining prior post here)

I wish I could see him tomorrow since I feel like I have momentum now. I’m afraid it all might die down by Wednesday, but we’ll see.

On the subject of satisfaction in therapy...

I don't think I've felt particularly satisfied when the therapist has attempted or even successfully given me insight into why I feel the way I do because of "my history." It's not very satisfying to know that you're ****ed up because of stuff that's not even your fault - yet the entire burden of becoming not ****ed up is on you. That's the opposite of satisfying. Insight alone changes nothing. It just makes you realize how screwed up everything is.

However, that doesn't mean therapy can never be satisfying. I would say if there is never any satisfaction, there's something wrong. I've gotten satisfaction in two different ways. One was by figuring out how to control myself a little better and be a little less impulsive. That's still a work in progress, but making progress is the best way to get satisfaction in therapy. The other thing that has given me satisfaction is something that maybe I should be ashamed of, but I'm not. Some people might even say it shouldn't be part of therapy. However, the therapist knows I have done it and we have talked about it. So naysayers can mind their own business. Anyway, the thing I am talking about is acting out in minor ways with the therapist. I don't break any boundaries she has set. Sometimes I say stuff to try to provoke her into getting angry (nothing personal or disrespectful towards her, so it is tricky, but I have succeeded at least once bahaha). Occasionally, I feel satisfied after sending a string of angry texts (the anger might be towards her, but not necessarily, but are always sent to her).

I think satisfaction has to be part of therapy. Nobody would do it otherwise.

I don't communicate always well do to a brain injury, so I think my point is lost.

I feel from reading your posts (i read your entire history actually) that you are focusing on wanting satisfying responses and have internal ideas and goals of what that looks like. And when you don't get those responses, you are distressed. Those types of interactions are not what (IMO) therapy is about. Therapy is not about getting the "correct" response or the response we think we want. It's about doing some really hard work to make ourselves better people and to live our lives better, more fully, perhaps to heal from our traumas, and then to carry on as new healthier individuals. Leaving therapy as a healthy individual should feel pretty damn satisfying. But I get the sense from your posts here that you are often consumed with getting something from your therapist that might feel satisfying to you in the moment, but isn't actually going to get you anywhere. It's like the email situation. You want a satisfying response, and you go in circles over it. Therapy can do a lot for you, but it can't replace a broken relationship. But it can help you heal so you can live your life outside of the therapy and that should be satisfying. That may not make sense. But it's my take. I don't comment lightly and you are free to dismiss this.

Lesliethemad, you make a very good point. I didnt see it in lrad's posts before, her therapy is so different from mine.

My deal was, gee i cant get along with other people. Leslies point is, a good t is not going to SATISFY me and get along with me, and say, okay, youre done with therapy! I would have learned nothing!

A good t would help me figure out where the process breaks down, where in the human interchange i become dissatisfied. THEN when i have figured out how to ask for what i want and get it, this will be a skill i can apply to anyone. Like ryan gosling okay maybe thats a little exaggeration, but YKWIM.

Thanks. What you said makes a lot of sense. Therapy is just confusing for me sometimes, and your comments were quite helpful. In the rest of my life (work, relationships, etc.) I mostly understand what I’m doing, but I have no template for how therapy is supposed to go. Maybe the word “satisfy” wasn’t the best choice of words. I do want to feel like I’m making progress (however that is defined) and I guess that would be satisfying for me.

I have felt satisifying applies to therapy in an individual session when I have the sense of better understanding something about myself. I generally don't feel "progress" within an individual session, although I sometimes come in and report that I can see progress in my life because of this thing outside therapy.

How do you define progress, if you want to share? Is it as straightforward as being able to open up more in therapy as you do in email (perhaps experiment with stopping the emails and see if that helps)? Is it improvements in your social life, where you are able to be more real with the people in it? A reduction in depression symptoms, to discover more meaning and joy in life?