Different T to help with Transference of this T?

My experience in emails with my last T is that she and the consultant who referred me to her is that they COULDN'T help. I had a narcissistic family, I guess, and picked therapists who were likewise narcissistic, seems like.

What is the line that you feel you are going to cross that you can not return from? Is that something in you, or something about the T?

Betterhelp.com T wants me to go back to x-T and workout my transference with him as he does not have idea how to help me. Period. He also said go find someone outside of session that offers the same thing this therapist offers whatever that maybe.

I feel so screwed right now.

So, it sounds like the door is still open to resume something, after this pause? Even if he felt he glad to get rid of you -- that would be HIS countertransference and therefore HIS problem to deal with, not yours unless he said something specificially. Or unless, at this point, he will not make another appointment with you.

As I understand it, the challenge with transference is to "shift" (to use Beth's word) to where one can see the therapist just as another person. How one does that, I don't know as I haven't really done that about the therapist who terminated me 5 years ago.

Do you know what it is that your regular therapist offers/provides to you? Can you put it in words somehow?

I become hooked on the nurturing, support, empathy, etc. that he provided for me during trauma therapy.

Or you can just read his stuff because it pretty much describes what I am going through but he does not even have an answer.

Healing A Damaged Self

Lol, what? I'm sorry you're going through this.

I went through (still going through, in fact) a similarly strong transference with my ex-T (I tried to get myself to write about it here for ages, but ... well, maybe now I will ... not right now, though). Anyway, even after terminating, I approached her to see if we can't at least understand how stuff got so badly out of hand. She agreed and we tried and failed miserably.

I'm now working with another T, and the ex-T debacle still takes up much of our time. She did initially suggest to try to sort it out with ex-T, which I tried (in hopes that having a third point of view might get us through those slippery patches where the two of us failed), but the resulting email conversation put me off of wanting to contact her again (mind you, part of me still hopes that one day I'll somehow come up with a sensible reason to contact her, lol). Anyhow, as long as there's also a strong enough counter-transference that he can't keep it under control and/or not willing to address the problem for whatever reason (which it kind of sounds like?), I don't see how going back to him could be beneficial or lead to working out your transference. I wouldn't recommend trying that without another T backing you up, or some sort of strong an reliable support.

I don't know how things will work out with my new T, for now it helped to be able to talk about many things that would have been disastrous to even bring up with ex-T, but I still keep slipping back into those betrayed-little-child kind of states and I'm not sure what to do about that. BTW with my ex-T, the problem was that she was all into discussing transference, but was practically impossible to talk about my feelings/issues in the here-and-now because she'd get defensive and/or start acting the stuck-up therapist..

Waiting to fall – BPD and obsessive attachments | Life in a Bind - BPD and me

BetterHelp T sent me this. Feels this is what is going on with me.

I still think zero contact with x-T is the way a to go but if BetterHelp T is not willing to help me cope with this until it quiets down I do not know what to do. I cant have this consume me, take over my executive functioning and cause me to go to the extreme.

Hi Moxie, What is the "line" and "extreme" you're referring to? I know you have something in mind, but I don't know what you mean. I don't want to assume anything.

BetterHelp- it sounds like they screwed you over. I mean, I guess they gave their best suggestions, but not helpful solutions.

Both articles are excellent, but like you pointed out, they don't offer suggestions for resolution.

In a normal world, if I were you, I would find a new therapist ASAP and take in the transference obsession as your presenting problem. But here we are, stuck with teletherapy only. (At least, no therapists here are doing in person.) Not that tele isn't a possibility, though. Like my therapist keeps saying, It's a lot better than nothing.

I feel so bad for you. I'm trying to come up with ideas.

How do you feel about finding a new therapist - not one from one of the internet therapy sites - but a therapist in your region? It's still teletherapy, but at least it would be with someone who might be more well trained and experienced than BetterHelp.

When all is said and done, transference (whether it's positive, negative, erotic, or whatever) is about a relationship. And your therapist should have been able to help you to see the difference between him and the original object of your feelings.

Your ex-T was not willing or able to do that, so I feel like contacting him again is just beating your head against the wall. Plus, the guy has changed his therapeutic specialty or whatever it's called, to something much less complex. He just sounds like an inadequate therapist. From what you've posted here, and from the feeling I get, I still believe your zero contact is a wise choice.

I have contacted other therapist in my area over the past year and a half being honest in my email about my transference and what I need help with. ALL OF THEM said I had to go back to my therapist to resolve it and they can not help me. I have not tried all the therapist just the ones that take insurance as I can not afford $200 a week.

I asked to do a video session with betterhelp T on Saturday and he agreed but he is at a loss on what to do and I feared I am overwhelming him and I told him so. He said:

"I would not say that I am feeling necessarily overwhelmed. Instead, I think that I am feeling a bit at a loss on what to do to ease your suffering. Maybe I am getting too caught up in trying to find ways to "fix" this issue. And maybe looking for a solution, fix, or strategy to directly help is not the right course of action. Perhaps you just need to know that I'm doing my best to understand and empathize with what you are experiencing. I'll also do my best to support you and perhaps along the way we can figure something out that does ease your suffering. I would like to think that I have been helpful in you coping and maybe just being here for you is what I can do for you right now.

I don't think this is anyone's fault or that this situation is explained at all by placing blame. Like you said, it is a problem for you and not him regardless of whether or not someone is in the wrong."

Oh dear God. So I went onto the client portal I always used to write emails to him and to write journals. I went on there to reread some old emails and he CLOSED my account. I wigged out and contacted him through his contact page. I might not have been very tactful or explained myself well. ****. I never thought he would close me out. We did not actually end therapy.....right? It was a soft pause so he said. I am shaking like a leaf right now. So I have to think....what is the worst that can come from this? He never answers me, he writes back but is obnoxious, he tells me he can never work with me again and just does what is required and sends me a list of referrals. OMG I do not know how this is going to effect me when he writes back. I should have never gone on that portal. This is so sickening.

This sounds awfully stressful! I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I don't know how client portals work, so forgive me if I say something stupid, but are you sure he specifically closed your account? Could the site be down for maintenance or something? Try not to think of the worst case scenario just yet (hard, I know). See what he replies (I would be extremely surprised if he didn't respond at all). I'm hoping this is all some tech glitch/ mistake. Let us know how it goes.

If he meant to close your portal because he wants to quit, he should have told you so before closing it. I don't know portals like this either, but if all your information is gone you should have been warned. I hope the explanation he gives in not too painful to you. But maybe he has noticed he is out of depth and that he only makes you feel worse. It that case he might be right to terminate?

You are in a very stressful situation for sure, but from what you have told, he could not help you. What a painful situation to you! But maybe you are better off without him. He does not sound very skillful with your problem and probably he is not that special to you in any other way either. It's the transference talking you need him. And he is not able to work trough it. I suggest you find a new real T to support you.

This was his explanation.

I close files so I can measure how many active clients I have, organize my client list and calendar, and to make sure I am not overbooking. Otherwise, it makes it seem like I have more active clients than I actually do and I can't tell if I can make new appointments or not.

Sorry you feel like you have been written off, that was certainly not the intention nor my desire.

Hey -- I understand the rejection and abandonment feelings you are experiencing, I think.

It sounds similar to what I experienced when my last therapist terminated me. It was devastating. She never really completely cut off all contact, and even tried to have some termination sessions. But her countertransference, or limits of her personality, or . . .whatever it was, it wasn't enough. Finally, six months after (trying to ) tolerate things, I began to understand or see or connect what I was feeling about the T to feelings I had had related to some women in my family, and feeling rejected by them. That memory didn't help resolve things much. For several months it/I was even worse off. It was awful. Still often is.

What helped somewhat, as I have said before, is the non-rejection I experienced in this forum and an in-person support group I lucked into. I hope for you that talking to the Betterhelp T on Saturday can help a little.

At least the BetterHelp T was honest with you.

As for ex-T...I call bullshi*. He sounds so phony and inept it's disgusting. Incompetent, and a liar, too. That you would have such a powerful transference with such a person might tell you something about your childhood attachments right there.

Even if a therapist is not trained in a particular area, they will still be familiar with it. During the didactic phase of their doctorate program, they learn about the different theoretical orientations. For instance, my psychologist learned about psychoanalysis, CBT, and DBT and other treatment modalities in his doctorate program, but he doesn't use them at all.

wrong thread.

I stopped seeing him 2 months ago. No it is transference and yes transference makes you want to drive past their home but no I do not want to drive past his home. Too big of a chance to risk.

Being familiar with something or undertaking rudimentary learning in something is very different from being competent enough to practice in a complicated area of therapy which requires tenderness and awareness. I have first aid training, I wouldn't like to stitch a wound.

... Actually, I would like to stitch a wound, but that's another story and perhaps highlights how dumb-dumb therapists come to wander into territory for which which they don't have a valid permit.

I had a virtual session with a therapist I saw before this recent x-T almost two years ago I saw him and I spilled my guts about the obsessive idealizing transference I have for ex-T. Well he did not run away or tell me to go back with him to work it out. That is probably because I said everyone said to do that. This is a good sign I think.

He feels that any transference has to do with our core belief and the feelings and messages we feel and tell ourselves when we think of that person is very telling. He wants to start exploring that next week.

He also wants to talk to my ex-T and is sending over a waiver for me to sign to do that and asked me if it was ok. I agreed. How else am I going to get past this?

There are other ways - there are always other ways. It's just seeing that and being able to make a choice based on that. I'm not saying your current decision is wrong but be mindful that there are always other ways even if they seem impossible to think about.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie I had a virtual session with a therapist I saw before this recent x-T almost two years ago I saw him and I spilled my guts about the obsessive idealizing transference I have for ex-T. Well he did not run away or tell me to go back with him to work it out. That is probably because I said everyone said to do that. This is a good sign I think. It's great! He feels that any transference has to do with our core belief and the feelings and messages we feel and tell ourselves when we think of that person is very telling. He wants to start exploring that next week. Good. He also wants to talk to my ex-T and is sending over a waiver for me to sign to do that and asked me if it was ok. I agreed. How else am I going to get past this? That seems like a good idea, to me. It would be new (old) T communicating with ex-T, right? Just the 2 of them? Seems productive to me. New T wants to get the whole picture.

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I have gone back over all my post from the last year. I can not believe how life robbing and painful this has been. I am so glad I have a documentation on here of my feelings and all I have been through with this T. I am not out of the woods as I am still in the same place with my feelings for him.

I do not know how this is going to play out. Will I still be like this in another year? I feel like a broken record.

Sorry to hear that you are still in the same place. Do you think you are getting benefit from the relationship? I’ve found that taking a break helped me to reflect on things that weren’t working well. Or do you think that his new experience with EFT will help?

I did take a break. 4 months almost I had no contact with him. I stopped about 2 weeks after the shutdown and we went to virtual. It was the worst summer of my life. All day everyday I stalked him online, I did maladaptive day dreaming of him, I was depressed, suicidal idealization, I wrote several times a day to the Betterhelp T about this and how I was suffering. I could not take it anymore and in August I wrote to him asking to take me back and try to work this all out.