Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Yeah, go figure! I don't know what to think of that.
Except that raw part is a repressed part of you that would be great to bring to sessions. I understand you are bringing more in now. I also imagine T can't analyze your superego if it wasn't in emails. It has to be there to be resolved, so it's good that it's coming out.

I loved the raw feelings. It was like experiencing myself for the first time. But there was a lot of sexual stuff too.

I get a little jealous of your T. He's just like mine with one exception-my T wasn't as generous as yours, such as saying all the kind things. He was that way for a short time, then I got intense sexual feelings, so then he quit being as kind. That was years ago. I think we are actually going to revisit that soon. I was actually very angry about that, we had a huge rupture over it.

For me, there is a part of me, the kid who's skeptical anyone can and will really "show up" for her, who casts a suspicious eye on others and watches what they do rather than what they say. I tend to dismiss people who say they will or they want to be there for me.

This would mean a lot to me. Of course I'm sure he could have caught up on his paperwork or done other work if you didn't show. And it was brave of you to take the risk and learn that sometimes risk taking brings benefits in interpersonal relationships. What he did encourages you to continue to take risks in therapy and provides a kind of symbolic security that he'll be there.

Yes, I think this is exactly it. I’ve been skeptical all along. I’ve wondered if he’s smart enough, articulate enough or if I should have chosen someone who has published articles or books, etc. I’ve tried to find reasons to leave, but really what has mattered most is the way he behaves. It’s the emotional intelligence I need from him and not so much the academic intelligence. His behavior has been unwavering even when I’ve tested him. He’s allowed me to be difficult (which is a very new role for me) and he’s remained calm and consistent. His being there for me yesterday just fits right in with the way he’s been all along. I was his first patient at 7:00 am and very clearly notified him I wouldn’t be there. If I were him I would have taken the time to sleep in or go to the gym or something. Sure, he could come anyway and do paperwork, but not sure I would have done the same had our roles been reversed. It for sure added to the symbolic security that I experience with him in therapy.

Reading about erotic transference scares me because I can see how it could easily go there. I mean we’re human, right? And this is a kind person taking genuine interest in us. That must have been really hard when your T changed his behavior towards you. I know that would have been devastating for me.

I see what you’re saying but I think it’s more complicated. In my real life I’m extremely reliable and dependable and responsible. I was always that way as a kid too - perfect. I had no choice. So his letting me be fickle or scared or even difficult, but still being there for me has been huge. I’m not even sure I realized it until now.

I am so glad you showed up. You have a amazing t and my t would of had someone else right away, thats how my clinic works. Hugs

Lrad123 is unchained!

Lol. I think I’m still pretty straight-laced, but maybe a little unchained for me anyway!

I’m letting myself bask in the memory of this nice therapy experience I had yesterday. I assume the memory will fade and I wish I could hang onto it a bit longer. There was another nice moment yesterday when I told him that part of the reason I decided to come was because in addition to the fact that I was already paying for the session, I felt so horrible that it couldn’t possibly be any worse and then I said, “well, maybe it could get worse. Maybe I’d show up today and you’d tell me this isn’t working any more and we should stop working together. “. But before I could really finish my sentence he cut me of and looked me in the eye and said, “This is working. All the feelings and everything. It’s working.” It was nice that he was so confident when I was feeling like I was acting pretty crazy. Plus he told me at least 3 times that he was glad I was there. Ok. Done gushing for now.

Great post, Lrad.

Maybe you could journal about your session to 'preserve' that memory? Often works for me.