Couch 196: Cinnamon Swirls

How are you feeling now?

I hope you can let yourself email and get support from old T. If you're struggling it would make sense that you would reach out to someone you can trust.

Yep, that's it, papadum.

Yes! That was it! Chana masala. Revelation is a good word for how my taste buds felt!

T suggested I go to a contemporary art museum in town. I’m there now. I think this is good for me. I think there’s a crack in the hopelessness big enough to let a bit of light in.

HUGS @chihirochild

Good morning all. I managed to not SH yesterday. Lets see if I can get through today. I haven't taken any anxiety medication yet either, so let's see if I can get through today without it. I'm still feeling dissociative and sort of out of it. Zoned out I guess. It makes the day really long. I woke up with a sore throat that I am hoping is just allergies as it has been really windy here lately and blowing all sorts of pollen around. I'm just trying to get through the day one moment at a time. I'm glad the Couch is here. HUGS Kit

My therapist never responded to my Monday after-session email and I'm feeling hurt by it. In it, I said that I knew what I was telling him could have waited but the feeling of desperation for connection was getting the better of me. I feel like I wasn't important enough for him to send a simple confirmation that he received it. You'd think I'd learn eventually to not send him anything.

HUGS @NP_Complete waiting for the T email that doesn't come is the hardest. I'm sorry he didn't respond. HUGS Kit

Grrr...graphs. I got it in the end, but it took an hour.

Argh. I want to SH again. I don't even know what I'm going to tell T on Saturday. When I'm in a cycle, I feel like I have no choice but to let the cycle run itself out and then I'm good for a while. But I know that sounds crazy. . The cycle can easily make me feel stuck and it's hard to get unstuck. I miss former T because I could have emailed her through this cycle. Current T doesn't email. I see her Saturday and then not again until the 7th of June. I have no idea what I'm going to tell her on Saturday besides the fact that I SH-ed. HUGS Kit

My boss bought lunch for me and the receptionist today. =) I had brought my lunch, but chicken Caesar salad with Parmesan cheese and bread sticks was so much better than the PB&J I had planned. I asked her how much I owed her for the lunch and she said, nothing, her treat. Plus yesterday she gave my family a $100 grocery store gift card. I happen to be wearing a sweatshirt that says "blessed" today. I guess that is true. I still want to SH though. But I'm trying to focus on these positive things. HUGS Kit

SK I think you need more support than current T can provide you with.To his credit when I've been in crisis mode R saw me three times in one week. To wait till the 7th when you're like this isn't safe especially if the SH is escalating.

Do you have any other support available?

I have learned that in economics one succeeds by thinking the opposite of one's instinct about what to think.

And I agree with Lemon, Kit. You need more support. And I'm thinking non-economically when I say that (i.e., instinctually).

Aww you have a lovely boss.

I've looked into support groups, but as I live in a pretty isolated areas there are AA groups, anger management groups, and substance abuse groups but nothing for what I deal with. I can go to the hospital if things get worse, but I know they will just assess and send me home. That's what they always do. At best they keep me 8 hours or so. Current T doesn't even know I'm in a cycle yet. I could try calling the office to see if she would call me. I'm kind of scared to do that, but it might be an option. I'm making myself stick to my routine this week, like walking in the morning (which I skipped a bunch last week) and going to work (because I really want to call out). I'm trying to make myself do as much normal stuff as possible so I don't isolate and make it worse. But I pretty much crash and go to bed as soon as I get home and take care of the cats. I feel like I just have to let the cycle go until it's done. I could try emailing former T. I feel bad that she still has to deal with me because she isn't getting paid. I don't know. I guess I'm stuck. It's hard to think. Maybe I should call T's office. HUGS Kit

Why not call her? What part scares you?

I'd just try calling, SK. Hugs...

Probably stupid stuff. Like what if she thinks I'm wasting her time? Like it wasn't a true emergency? Kind of like on Saturday when she said she didn't think I was truly SUI so I told her about my SUI attempt which was a few years ago. I only ever told my T after the fact, when I had survived. Like what if she doesn't believe me? I know these are stupid fears. But my head knows that, not my heart, and my heart can't take rejection, being pushed away, not being believed, her being irritated with me etc. And there's a little fear that the office staff would just refer me to the ER anyway. And also, what if I'm letting her down? I didn't make it to Pentecost. I relapsed and basically went back on my word. She might think I'm a failure. Maybe I think I am and I'm projecting. Argh. IDK. I'll stop rambling now.

She might answer!

For me, that's the scariest part of phoning someone.

Prof for my summer poetry writing class (starts 5/28) sent an email already with info about the course. I'm really excited, it's going to be fun. One of the things we'll be doing is making videos of ourselves reading our poetry and sharing them with the class. We aren't required to show our face if we're camera shy but they do have to be our voice reading our work. That will be interesting.

I rang my gp and now i feel worse because she is coming in on her day off to see me.

I hate phoning anyone I have rehearse the opening bit and think of anything that might crop up I spend roughly 2-3 hours worrying about a 5 min call

I have my art class and I am taking in my seascape that I have been struggling with for months I am really out of my comfort zone with it and I hope I don't cry when the teacher tries to help. I should stick to space, birds and fish I think.

At first I read that as pabulum.

I may be over educated.