My life is falling apart

As the title says.

I feel bad because I feel like I only come here to vent when things are going wrong.. so I’m going to start off by apologizing for that.
Basically, my husband and I will lose our house if one of us can’t find a better job ASAP. We’ve both applied places and no luck yet. We are currently several hundred dollars short for our next mortgage payment, and there are more bills due before that.

I feel like I’m in a trap that I just can’t get out of. This obviously adds stress to our marriage, which is already not in good shape. He refuses to see an individual or marriage counselor (not that we could afford it now, but in the future if one of us lands a job). Although he is willing to get more involved in church, which he says helps him, so I’ll give him credit for that.

I’m feeling extremely low about myself because I didn’t get TWO jobs I interviewed for; this has never happened to me before. I feel like I have nothing to offer.

The stress is crazy. We are about to run out of food and I don’t know what to do—go to the grocery store and just say f*** the mortgage? I mean, my eating disorder loves the idea of potentially being forced to not eat, but of course I want my husband to fed and also it’s not good for recovery...
Next month, my husband’s student loans will kick in too.

My husband keeps blaming me (I know he doesn’t mean to) for what feels like every little thing, making me hate myself even more. He doesn’t understand that when he calls me stupid, selfish, dumb, etc., just because he doesn’t mean it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt like hell. He’s tells me at least a few times a week how the reason we’re in this situation is because of all my medical bills that have racked up thousands of dollars of debt on our credit cards. I already know that, and feel incredibly guilty. I may be those things at times, but it seems that he likes to constantly remind me over and over.

To top it all off, all I want is to be able to discuss this mess with my T, but because we literally have no money to spare, I had to email him saying that unless he is able to bill through my employee assistance program (which would mean I have no copay), I have to stop going for a while.

This combination of things is making want to give up, The irony of it is that it’s because of the situation I’m in that I cannot get help for feeling this way, because everything costs so much money. Ugh.