When you start with a therapist, you can never know if the therapist you have chosen is the kind who apologises. My T said she would email me a poem that she told me about. I’ve reminded her three times. Each time she says she will do it (but doesn’t). She never apologises for not having done it. I’m left wondering if she is a bit flaky. And also if she has an inability to apologise. What do you think? Is a simple apology called for?

[stopdog]

The first one was crap at apology and the second was not. I think in general they don't think they are ever wrong in anything they do. Sometimes they are jerks because they think they are showing a client not to apologize for things not within the client's control (for those who apologize for everything as an automatic response). For me, a poem would not be a big thing -but it might indicate how she will be crap at bigger things.
The first one screwed up very badly and would not apologize but mocked and blamed me for it. I never apologized to her for anything after that either.I simply quit using her for anything other than my person's illness. Which even she couldn't **** up.

[Xynesthesia2]

My first T did major wrongs repeatedly, some perhaps mistakes and due to lack of attention but some were so weird I could not imagine he was not aware of it. Never apologized, never once. It was one feature that made me really dislike him and even think he must have been rather dumb in the end. My second T rarely did anything I considered actually wrong, he was definitely quite thoughtful and much more realistic, but in the couple cases when I pointed out something I did not like, he apologized and did not repeat the same thing again.

I do not understand why many Ts refuse to apologize - I consider that basic human decency and communication skill. I heard some say that they do it to have the client sith with their frustration, even elicit it, in order to explore the associated emotions. I think that is just twisted and inappropriate.

[Victoria'smom]

I'd just write down the name of the poem next time. I try not to aspect my t to do anything outside of the 50 min there. As far as apologizing I wouldn't expect one but I'm not one for apologies.

[Lemoncake]

If R screws up he apologizes..

[goatee]

My T says she doesn’t feel like she should apologize if she has done her best.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I'd just write down the name of the poem next time. I try not to aspect my t to do anything outside of the 50 min there. As far as apologizing I wouldn't expect one but I'm not one for apologies.

Thanks for your perspective. I’m big on apologies. I apologise to my kids at times (when I screw up), but I know other people are not so into apologies.

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

If R screws up he apologizes..

I wish my at was like yours.

She apologises sometimes, but seems much more enthused by my apologies to her.

[Anne2.0]

My T apologizes for making a mistake, but not if I have inaccurately understood his action or intention. I mean, he won't apologize if I thought he was angry but he was concerned, but he will apologize for misunderstanding something I told him.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by goatee

My T says she doesn’t feel like she should apologize if she has done her best.

That's BS. Apologies are for when we hurt someone or do something wrong.
(This is at the idea, not trying to attack you)

If I thought my T said or did something hurtful because he didn't care or wasn't trying then I wouldn't be seeing him in the first place. I should be able to assume he's doing his best (and I feel the need to clarify that "best" =/= most effort, boundaries are involved too, it includes taking care of himself).
Apologies are for when he does his best and I still get hurt.
He apologizes for times he's done nothing wrong but I was hurt by something, like there's no way he could have known that something would upset me and I'm acknowledging that I'm being irrational and unreasonable, and that kind of surprised me and I don't think it's necessary.
And he apologizes for little mistakes as well as a really big one he's apologized for many times.

I think with the poem I might be annoyed, but whether or not I saw it as a red flag would depend on the bigger picture. It would be one of many small things that would affect my opinion.

[goatee]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

That's BS. Apologies are for when we hurt someone or do something wrong.
(This is at the idea, not trying to attack you)

If I thought my T said or did something hurtful because he didn't care or wasn't trying then I wouldn't be seeing him in the first place. I should be able to assume he's doing his best (and I feel the need to clarify that "best" =/= most effort, boundaries are involved too, it includes taking care of himself).
Apologies are for when he does his best and I still get hurt.
He apologizes for times he's done nothing wrong but I was hurt by something, like there's no way he could have known that something would upset me and I'm acknowledging that I'm being irrational and unreasonable, and that kind of surprised me and I don't think it's necessary.
And he apologizes for little mistakes as well as a really big one he's apologized for many times.

I think with the poem I might be annoyed, but whether or not I saw it as a red flag would depend on the bigger picture. It would be one of many small things that would affect my opinion.

LabRat, thank you SO much!! I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

Mine apologizes when they have pushed me too far. I think the reason I stuck with them was because after they asked me emotional questions when we had agreed this would be purely practical and fact I freaked out and next session they apologized. It made me feel validated and respected. I think if I had a T that never apologized it would make me feel as though I didn't matter enough.

[GeekyOne]

My T is pretty flakey about stuff like that poem you mentioned. She's occasionally forgotten to return my call, and once to attend a virtual appointment.

She also has apologized every time she's forgotten something, or me, and every time I've told her that I was hurt by something she said (or didn't say). That's not to say she takes responsibility for my misinterpretation of her words (when that happens), but she does say she's sorry that's what I heard, and that it hurt.

[velcro003]

Mine has apologized when she would get me late.

[nottrustin]

Emdr T apologizes too much and I tell her it is not nevedssry....she is getting better slowly...

But I also apologize a lot and she tells me not to.

Thanks for all your replies. In fact my T and I have had a bit of a rupture (not about the poem), and it is that that I wish she would give me an apology over. I thought she would have been the kind of T who would apologise. I’ve pretty much decided to talk to her one more time, and if she doesn’t express anything about her part in it, then I’m going to quit. She’s been so good in other ways, but this rupture has had a big impact on me, I feel really low, I think it is because I feel invalidated.