[Kiya]

Tonight's session was all over the map. She's leaving on vacation on Friday and will be gone 11 days.
I had a rough week - but things always melt away when i get to her office. I had paintings i brought in and she really connected them to words (difficult for me) and helped me to talk about them.
WIth her being gone i asked her to do a tape for me - she does these often for ppl but i found the first on (session #2) really triggering and we haven't done them since. But the visualizations have been going well, so i had hope. Well... i totally triggered in this one too. so i was sad knowing i won't be using it, and fearful with the triggers, and close to the edge of a flashback... none of which i wanted to bring up when the woman's leaving the state. I don't need to make my self that vunerable when there will be no help to be had.
Anyway, at the end i merely said thank you and wanted to ask her about some last minute things. But she said "I want to..... I have something for you...... on loan. Something you can bring back the next time i see you." Many here know that I have a very close bond with my MD and that my MD sent me to this T - evidently they are also very close and work together a lot. MD was just out of the country and T asked her to bring back some very special "healing crystals" that were blessed by [someone really important that i didn't catch the name of]. T said "I get the sense that one of these should be with you while i'm gone. It has my energy, and MD's energy... and the special blessed healing energy too. I have 4 of them, why don't you pick one?"
Sooooooooo much...so many thoughts came to mind right then i couldn't move! I thought of Soli's hippo, and somebody elses t-box, and my littles were panicked because we weren't allowed to touch anything as a kid without pretty hard punishment and have a really hard time picking anything up/taking anything. But T sat by the crystals patiently and looked at me expectantly. I know i mumbled some words (no idea what) and dropped from the low couch to the floor since i knew my legs wouldn't hold me and the table was close by. i picked the nearest one to me (a fat short one compared to the tall skinny others - so i know it different from my own "ordinary" crystals) and held it like a robin's egg in my hand -fearful of hurting it.... fearful of contaminating it with my own "baddness". Leaving, she hugged me... and still i had to ask a meds question since I still have no answer today about it... and i couldn't find words even for that.... she looked at me funny.... answered the question... said see you in 2 weeks (next scheduled time) ...and as i went out into the night (i'm her last patient and she kept me an extra half hour) i felt like i'd walked through the looking glass... holding this crystal in my hand... I put it in my jacket pocket to limint the amount of contamination it would get from me and broke down crying.
T had also talked of my growing trust... gosh it's just so fragile... so many ego states/parts to work with the thinking of.
It was a good session - and yet, i don't know where i'm at... make sense?

[krazibean]

very nice session Kiya. I'm so glad your T let you borrow that crystal, i can see it means so much to you, as it would to me. I'm still waiting on my t-box. until then i'll just live through your post, haha. post a lot on the vacation thread this week when T is away. You've been so supportive of me so i want to return the favor.

[sunrise]

Kiya, that sounds like a very good last session before her break. I love how she shared the special crystal with you. The crystal is on loan which helps remind you that she's coming back because you will need to see her to return the crystal. It's a nice reminder of the continuity of your relationship and therapy.

I hope you find some comfort from the crystal.

((((Kiya))))),
As I was reading your post, I all of the sudden thought of the hippo and then read that you thought if it, too, LOL! I'm so glad that she gave them to you and that they have powers from her and your MD!!!!! It sounds like your T totally understands the power of transitional objects May you feel safe and secure while they are away. We are all here for you, too

[Kiya]

((((((krazybean)))))))
((((((sunrise))))))))))
((((((soliaree)))))))))

ty - yeah, was surprised, relieved, and trying to make it seem like i didn't really care all that much lol but i did care =) because when my MD was gone, she was out of the country, T keeps making it a point that she's still in the US. *sigh*... gone is gone. But then T told me she will be out of the US in July and will not be reachable. ...no pressure. Now i'm gonna be counting months! Strange, these relationships with t.... teaching ourselves how to do this.

I do look at the crystal every time i pass it. i'm afraid to touch it... maybe on the day my session would have been on i can hold it for a bit.