Sad and stuck

Jun 28, 2019, 07:37 PM

Quote:

I’m looking for something that I’m having trouble putting my finger on, but it’s definitely not encyclopedic answers.

It maybe difficult to put your finger on it because it might have little or nothing to do with your T, so impossible for him to provide.

You've said your T is kind, genuine, consistent, and professional. That you feel tortmented by sitting and talking with him for an hour or so a week seems to point to something other than him.

Lrad123 · Jun 28, 2019, 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

It maybe difficult to put your finger on it because it might have little or nothing to do with your T, so impossible for him to provide.

You've said your T is kind, genuine, consistent, and professional. That you feel tortmented by sitting and talking with him for an hour or so a week seems to point to something other than him.

I’m not blaming him, and I assume it’s mostly if not entirely about me.

Jun 28, 2019, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I’m not blaming him, and I assume it’s mostly if not entirely about me.

Nothing I had written was about blame. That never even crossed my mind.

I say this because you rarely talk about what all this is actually is about, as I mentioned in my longer post.

Lrad123 · Jun 28, 2019, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

Nothing I had written was about blame. That never even crossed my mind.

I say this because you rarely talk about what all this is actually is about, as I mentioned in my longer post

I have no idea what it’s actually about. If I did, I’d probably know how to make the situation better.

Jun 28, 2019, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I have no idea what it’s actually about. If I did, I’d probably know how to make the situation better.

You're just not linking feelings to your past. You've done it before, as with your father and I think you're capable. And I've always said I like your T, who is very competent, it just doesn't seem like working with the transferences is that helpful to you. I think Omer and Lonesome had some good points about working differently.

Lrad123 · Jun 28, 2019, 08:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

I think Omer and Lonesome had some good points about working differently.

When you say “working differently” do you mean finding a new therapist? I think that’s what they both suggested unless I’m missing something.

stopdog · Jun 28, 2019, 08:35 PM

I would take a break and see what it was like. It is all information. I never regretted breaks

feileacan · Jun 29, 2019, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

You're just not linking feelings to your past. You've done it before, as with your father and I think you're capable. And I've always said I like your T, who is very competent, it just doesn't seem like working with the transferences is that helpful to you. I think Omer and Lonesome had some good points about working differently.

This response was to Lrad and so specific to her. But there is something that struck me and I wanted to comment.

To my mind it is not always possible link feelings to past this way, or at least not that easily. Yes, it can be done but the link might be only on the intellectual level and then it really doesn't help at all.

For instance, I don't remember from my childhood any feelings towards my parents other than intense fear. When they were not scaring me with their behaviour, they left me by myself and I could just forget about their existence until the next incidence when they intervened into my life and I felt scared again.
Or maybe half the times it was neutral or mildly disturbing to me that I had to deal with them.

So, this means that I cannot actually link all these different emotions I feel in therapy to feelings to my parents. Yes, it intellectually makes sense but the link in the emotional level simply isn't there because these feelings are probably stemming from so early childhood (< 2 years).

It hasn't made the therapy useless though (very difficult indeed, that's true) because over time it turned out that something in me can remember these feelings in some form and I have experienced several feelings in relation to my parents (that I have no conscious memory of what so ever) in dreams. These dreams provide the link and although after waking up I cannot remember the emotional content for long, I know for a fact that it was there.

But, I had no idea that this process could work that way. Neither did my T know that (doesn't still know because I haven't told him). But it works in its own pace, totally not under my control.

Jun 29, 2019, 05:28 AM

Feilican, thats something else. I really don't think my posts help anyone so i don't want to continue explaining. i have too much to do anyway. lrad, good luck with your therapy.

feileacan · Jun 29, 2019, 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by octoberful

Feilican, thats something else. I really don't think my posts help anyone so i don't want to continue explaining. i have too much to do anyway. lrad, good luck with your therapy.

It was just a comment. I did not expect you to explain anything so that's ok. I don't agree though that it is something completely different but never mind.

Xynesthesia2 · Jun 29, 2019, 07:04 AM

I personally would also take a break from this T and see how I am doing. Possibly try a few sessions with different Ts and see if those also trigger the same feelings - to me, that would be more proof that it's something more primal about you and worth exploring. Experiment. Also, I do not believe that obsessions need to have much or anything to do with our past, I think often they signal what we are lacking in the present or just what really stimulates us. Or conflicts when we really want something but, on other levels, we think it is inappropriate or is not supposed to happen. Personality conflicts. Your pattern with this T highlights something like that to me whenever I read it - intense desires/needs, but instead of finding feasible ways to fulfill the needs, you deny it to yourself even more (wanting to detach, cancel sessions etc). Of course no surprise it does not weaken and becomes an obsession. Maybe even the idea of taking a break is just that - wanting to refuse and deny it. Or perhaps it is healthy self-preservation. This is why doing the experiment might be interesting and informative. You might actually end up in similar ruts with a variety of people for a while now that this thing has been released. I have experienced a few version of that in my own life and, for me, they can uncover important information about what I need at a given time but am not nurturing myself properly and look for substitutes instead. One needs to look behind the manifestation though and if your conscious mind puts blocks on that sort of deeper connection, it can take a while and lots of trial and error. I like what feileacan said about dreams and there are many other ways to tap into our deeper self that one can use as a supplement to therapy or independently. I personally like to experiment with myself a lot, try different things rather that being a follower and true believer of one thing that wasn't even invented by me.

BudFox · Jun 30, 2019, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

Taking a break or quitting would make me feel liked I’ve failed at therapy and like no one will ever truly get me, even someone whose whole job is to be understanding, caring and empathetic.

I made many attempts, and it never helped. I don't feel like a failure. It's a sketchy paradigm and that for me was the bottom line. I had empathetic therapists, but it was mostly fake clinical empathy.

Like you said, it's their JOB to be understanding, etc. By definition that suggests it is simulated to some degree, if not largely. That's bound to disappoint.

Jun 30, 2019, 10:03 PM

I think if I were in this particular situation, I would ask myself:

1) Is therapy helping me?

2) If not, are there changes I can make in therapy to potentially facilitate being helped?

3) How long am I willing to keep going if it’s not helping me and I can’t make the changes I need to in order to benefit from therapy?

I think you got a lot of really great advice from a lot of posters with diverse experiences, and now it’s up to you to establish a framework and boundaries around what you are willing to do and endure with this particular therapist. All of this churn is energy you could spend doing something that enriches your life vs depleats it.

Lonelyinmyheart · Jul 01, 2019, 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lrad123

I feel sad and stuck so I sent my therapist an email saying I’m thinking about taking a break from therapy until the end of summer and then reassessing. I told him I needed time away to try to figure out if therapy was helping and to try to snap myself out of the rut I’m in.

I post all the time about wanting to skip sessions (but rarely do) or quit. That’s the rut I’m in. It’s painful because I also genuinely want to go. People on PC have helped me understand the reasons for this, probably even better than my therapist has. You all have helped me understand that my ambivalence towards therapy is multifaceted and likely related in part to wanting something for myself and feeling like I don’t deserve it, and related to the difficulties around being vulnerable and needy when I don’t like to perceive myself that way, and related to difficulties with feeling out of control emotionally.

I’m sad because my therapy (and my PC posts!) has become overtaken by this theme. I’ve been bringing it up with my T but it’s not getting better, possibly even worse. I’m sad because I like him and I’ve invested almost 2 years with him but I’m aware that we’re spinning our wheels, but talking to him about this is not helping. He is empathetic and genuine and professional but I get the deep sense that he doesn’t get what’s going on with me, so I’m left feeling very alone in this. I realize most of this is probably about me, not him, but I also wish he could help me through this a bit better.

Anyway I sent an email saying I’d like to take a break and he responded with the standard “let’s talk about this next week.” Now I need to figure out what I want to talk about next week. I’ve already talked to him about this quite a bit so I’m not sure what else to say. Taking a break or quitting would make me feel liked I’ve failed at therapy and like no one will ever truly get me, even someone whose whole job is to be understanding, caring and empathetic. Anyone know how to fix this? I’m not really dying to see another therapist. If I stop with this one, I’m not sure I have it in me to seek out another one. You all have come through for me before, but I may just be too dense and stubborn to make it work.

Im so sorry that it's like this for you, it sounds incredibly painful and frustrating as well. I would echo others thoughts on taking a break because sometimes some time out can bring new perspectives that help things move forward and this could be true for T as well as you. It doesn't mean you've failed at all - it can be a positive step to assess where you go from here. But I understand that this may not be what you really need or want.

You say you've talked about all this with T...do you know what you need from him? Can you tell him what you need? My T often asks me what I need. I don't always know, but it's an important question to consider. As you say, he's empathetic, professional etc, but you feel there's something missing. Maybe he's not proactive enough in the relationship? You might need someone who can engage with you more? I once saw a T who was lovely but didn't really give much of herself and I always felt that I couldn't really connect with her. It's impossible to know whether another T would help unless you take the chance of seeing another T, but I know that's not the easy answer either. I guess there are none.

In regard to your next session, could you perhaps write all your feelings down/journal about it all and give to T? Sometimes journaling can shift feelings or thoughts that are blocked and shed some light. You do sound very 'stuck' which as I understand it is a recognised problem that can occur in therapy. I do hope you find a way through it.

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