Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

I hate it when I feel things that I can’t name because I don’t understand them. Why can’t you just follow me around and help me sort out my life? :P

I have to reply to your email reply. I canceled my last appointment with you because my back went out and I physically couldn't make it. You said to get back to you to reschedule. Here's the thing: I don't want to. I don't want to reply at all. But, that's not how an "adult" should handle that, is it? I'm not sure why I feel like this. I haven't felt like not seeing a T for a very very long time, so this is weird. I'm not sure this isn't just a "mood". I've felt like this for over a week now, so I would think my "mood" would have passed by now. Somehow, I need to come up with the words to tell you I do not want to schedule another appointment. Not right now. Maybe I'll feel differently in 2 weeks, or 6 weeks, or 6 months. Can we leave it open?
Maybe I'm going thru another "shutting down" phase where I just do not want to talk. I know I have stopped sharing anything with my H. I come home from work and he always asks about my day. "Nothing new" has been my answer for the last 2 or more weeks. It's not worth the discussion and the reliving the aggravation I get thinking about my sh***y job. Best I just come home and forget about it.

The anger is present, but not at you. I'm having a hard time with it. See you tomorrow.

I hate you for going on holiday. It's your fault that I saw the other therapist and it's your fault that it has made me feel worse. It's your fault that she said there are multiple red flags in your behaviour and it's your fault that I still want to carry on seeing you. It's your fault that I miss you and it's your fault that you love me. It's your fault that I will get drunk tonight. It's not your fault that I need to organise extensive repairs on my leaking roof, but I am happy to blame you anyway. It is your fault that I hate my job and it is your fault that the weather is too hot.

Hi. Love you like you wouldn't believe this week. Miss you intensely.

Dear R,

I dreamt of you last night.

I was supposed to have a session with you, but I ended up getting lost on the way despite leaving on time. I began to cry, after realising that I should have gone the other way, I called you in the end with 20 mins of our session to go. You said I never normally called you but we talked.

So you never responded to my text from Friday which is actually okay. My weekend was horrible and I tried my best to stay present and somewhat busy. I texted you at a low point and told you it was okay if you didn't get it or respond. What I'd frustrating me is that you have not sent a reminder text about my appointment tomorrow and to make sure I am okay. I keep trying to remind myself is that it would not be the first time you sent the reminder text at dinner time even though it is normally around lunch time. The is a piece of me that is worried you are upset because of me texting you. That isnt how you have ever operated but what if it is now??

I also dont know how to approach what is going on. So much has happened and just thinking about talking about it makes me feel like vomiting, nauseaus, and light headed. It will take more than an hour to l do with but that is all I have tomorrow.

I neeeeeeeeeed yooooooouuuuuu

Should I ask for my session on the 29th back?

I have no words. I know I will just sit and cry.

I still have my exam on the 2nd.

You joked about offering a service to T's about their digital footprint - I know you've gone back to your hometown because I saw your mother's facebook post.

Dear T,

I miss you. It feels like you’re the only good thing I have to go back to after this vacation is over. I don’t like needing you like this.

Not sure if I’ll have the courage to tell you this.

-c

Dear T: it would be nice to see you today, but I'm okay waiting until the 4th until my appointment.

How will I ever leave therapy with you now that I know you love me? Is this part of the trick? Do you play all your clients like this, is it your long game?

I'm confused and that makes me scared and that makes me angry and so then I want to do stuff. I know you think I can control myself if I want to, but I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I've just lost my balance. Just teetering on the edge and a storm's brewing. I don't know which way I'm going to fall and if I fall off the cliff, will it be because I didn't try hard enough and just decided to fall?

I'm panicking and that isn't helping anything.

I am very much not okay with you leaving for three weeks. It feels too much like spring of last year. I don't trust myself. This might be really really bad.

Today's an odd anniversary - the cinema visit that broke the seal on this profound sadness. Three years.


Now it's mostly anger, but I don't know how to deal with that. Help?

Well that sucked. WTF was up with you today?

You honestly didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry, but I don't have words.

I need something please. But I don't know what. So maybe I will send an angry text instead.

I miss you!!

I've submitted that poem.