Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLI

So are you mad at me or what?

I think the only way that could have gone worse is if you hospitalised me.

Wv t I want you back.

I feel pretty much worthless

I'm sorry T,

But aren't you close enough?

I can't deal with all this rupture free lovey-dovey stuff.

I feel invisible. Do you ever feel that way?

Sorry. I have failed once again to do what I am supposed to do. I try so hard but I just can't change. Please be patient with me.

Have decided to do nothing re payment. I want to see what you do, if anything. I'm curious to know how you will handle this. I know you're not in it for the money, but you also have boundaries, and you know boundaries matter to me too. Will you text me when you notice the payment isn't there as usual? Will you just leave it, assuming I'm still struggling money wise, and ask for it next time? Will you realise it's a test or assume I have forgotten this once? I'm sorry T, but something in me is saying do this, I have never done this in my life, but this time I just have to.

And by the way, it meant a lot when you said you'd miss me if I didn't come back.

One of those days where I miss you so much it hurts like hell.

She still isn’t back yet from being sick. I learned today from my mom that she wasn’t even the one who called on Monday to cancel. I mean I’m not worried she’s not coming back or anything I’m just wondering what’s up. Also the session this week was really important because I’m meeting with a sleep specialist for the first time tomorrow. But mainly I hope she’s ok and it’s nothing serious.

She said at my last session that I should constantly face my fears and not to avoid them. Can someone explain this to me? If I’m scared of swimming in the lake why should I make it a point to go swimming in the lake? since that’s unreasonable since I don’t live by a lake. The main thing she said is I shouldn’t avoid my fears of spiders. But why do I need to face my fear of spiders when I don’t encounter them at all, have one for a pet or anything? Am I just supposed to go find spiders to help me face my fear? Sometimes I feel like she’s a bit new age. Or just cuckoo.

Treble Clef,

I wish I could trust you to tell you what is really bothering me.

-Butterfly

T,
I hope you're having fun wherever you are. I thought about it and I'm still upset with you. I think you should have known better and I don't think I was being unreasonable.

T who isn't my T,
About to go lead your meeting. I hope you're having fun at the baseball game. Kinda wanted another hug Monday but didn't want to ask two meetings in a row. If I decide to go Saturday it will be like 50% because it means seeing you. 9:30am board meeting on a Saturday is something I'd normally avoid.

I just feel so hopeless.

I miss you. ****. 2 more weeks.
I don't want to miss you.
I don't want to care.

(have you thought about me? even once? have I crossed your mind at all?)

It pisses me off how your dog does pretty much whatever it wants in our sessions and you don’t correct it. It could have injured my eye when it jumped on my face. It’s occasional barking makes me jump. It’s annoying when it jumps around on me like a trampoline but I’m too scared to ask you to make it stop. I don’t like when it licks my face too much. It’s painful for my attachment and neglect issues to watch you shower it with kisses and affection right in front of me. It hurts to know that I’m less than a dog and will never be loved that much.

I don't want to see you today ashamed I haven't put in the work I can't wait until you go out of town next week

Wow, that sounds really annoying! I couldn't deal with that in my therapy sessions. If it was a dog (or cat) that would just lie there and let me pet it, that would be fine. But not jumping on me and licking my face.

That's totally inconsiderate of your therapist to allow this to happen. If you don't say something, the resentment is only going to grow. Do you otherwise like this therapist? Have you considered looking for another one?

I think I’m just going to ignore my signature and actually tell her how I feel. She just scheduled me in next week without calling me. I got a robo text an hour ago asking me to confirm my appointment on Monday. Why she didn’t call to ask if that was an ok time or just to you know, maybe talk about my appointment with my sleep specialist this afternoon that I’ve been waiting for for months, I don’t know. But I’m very nervous about it and I thought she knew that. I don’t get why she didn’t call at all.

Retake exam tomorrow and I miss you terribly. I could have chosen to see you today but didn't.

I want to be close but at the same time it's like getting a flashing cylon alert and I need to get the **** away .

Dear ex-DrT,
FU. That's really what's in my head right now. How could you say some of those things to me? How could you make me doubt any future therapeutic relationships I might have? You were acting like a guy who got dumped who tells his ex that she'll never find anybody else as good as him. And I bet you're shocked that I haven't contacted you yet...
LT

Dear T: I wish you could reassure me and make me feel safe and secure. Dear Former T: I wish I could see you and have that safety and security for one hour. Don't forget about me. Don't forget you used to care about me. Kit

I feel like I am sinking and just want to talk to you. I wish I could reach out to EMDR T but of she doesn't respond I wont be able to handle it. So I will just deal on my own.

I feel so angry and upset with you. I know it's totally ridiculous. It just upsets me that you wait only a day before messaging to ask if I'm having a problem paying. I knew you would ask me so don't know why I feel so bad. My fault for not paying as promptly as I normally do. I hate that I have to pay you, and hate that you don't seem to realise I might be upset with you. I'm just playing games, I know. It's stupid. Payment is par the course. I will send you your stupid money. But I hate it.