How important is attachment for effective therapy?

Hi all, this is my first post in a while here. I am curious on your thoughts on this. Basically, do you NEED to attach to your therapist for therapy to be truly effective? Can attachment be avoided in long term therapy?

With my long term T, you all know how that went, basically became more like friends than anything, I trusted him and loved him so much. It helped me loads with many things but in the end, it just tore my heart out and really caused me to struggle with so many things I believed before. I can't put myself through that again.

With baby T, I knew I'd never attach. He's too cocky and he never did any sort of out of session contact, he rarely seemed to be serious either.

With t3, he's married with kids, to me that's an instant mental NOPE to me... and he is very meh with contact, granted I don't need to anymore because I'm finally covered to see him. However this also means more regular (weekly at least for a while) therapy. I have no intention of seeing him beyond October other than a video session or two around the 1 year of losing T. I do plan to go back in 2020 for a few months though. He's kind of a jerk, honestly I love that, because it not only gets me to actually express my anger but it keeps me feeling distant.

The last two sessions have been hella awkward for me and so he's been different. He's shared about similar phobias we had and been suggesting games for my game nights and joking around. That's all great and all and honestly it helps me build trust to see that side of him. To feel more relaxed.... BUT I worry in time, I could actually attach to him. Not as intensely as with T of course but enough to scare the hell outta me and to stop going. I am very guarded now and very aware of every little change in him. Making sure I respond properly etc.

I am still thankfully at a place where I don't care about him and he pisses me off at least once a week. So that helps but the fear of "history repeating itself" is still there.

The thing is, I've stuck with him, jerk side and all, even with having to pay out of pocket for most everything so far.... because this is the first therapist who actually CHALLENGES me....constantly. He calls me out on all my avoidance behaviors. He asks me things that really make me think, he isn't "sweet and chummy" about everything, he will say some harsh **** sometime and he's the only one who I cry EVERY session with and I show anger to often.. All of this is super helpful for me. I actually believe he could be the best therapist I've ever had, as far as progress goes... if I can stick with him.

Is it possible to do more "long term" weekly therapy and never attach but still make tons of progress? So far I've only had 7 sessions with him. I'm really scared about it happening so my defenses are rising.

I forgot to add that he said he knows I don't want to bond but I want to trust so he's trying to find a balance and that attachment isn't always bad sometimes it can be awesome. That really scared me

My T would say no, that the healing comes from the relationship. It scares me too. But, my T also knows that I am still connected to former T’s, ministers, teachers and the like from 1992 and I am still in touch with most of my Kindergarden class (1983ish). So he knows ending will be hard for me.
I have had a CBT T that I liked but never bonded to that helped a lot but the healing was more limited than what my goals were for myself.

I don't think it is necessary at all. For certain types of therapy, if one wants to use the relationship with the T as a model to explore attachment patterns and mechanisms, sure it can be useful. But, I think, it is perfectly possible to equally meaningfully discuss the client's other attachment and relationship style with other people. I personally think the latter can be more effective and productive as it would not be muddled by the unnatural relationship that therapy itself is. I personally can dissect and experiment with relationships and attachment patterns in everyday life much more effectively than in therapy as those occur in a more real context. I think once you have gotten to a certain level of self-awareness and are comfortable with facing your patterns, it is pretty easy (at least for me).

Regardless, many people seem to find exploring the therapy attachment useful especially with certain modalities.

Therapy is about the relationship but that doesn’t mean that the “healing relationship” has to be all cozy and warm fuzzies. I don’t think attachment is necessary. You can have the same relationship with your therapist that you do with your dentist and it can still be effective.

I would think it depends on why one is hiring a therapist. I don't see the point in attaching to what is basically a hired stranger, but others seem to find benefit in it.

I would think it depends on why one is hiring a therapist. I don't see the point in attaching to what is basically a hired stranger and seems to me to be attaching to an ideal rather than the actual person because I believe those people are actors, but others seem to find benefit in it.

Attachment only matters if one has an attachment wound
If they haven't then they'd relate to a therapist like anyone else in their life. It wouldn't be an issue.

I agree, they are basically just acting. I'm able to see through the crap now. Which is why keeping distance has been easier. I just was wondering if i keep pushing against it, if my therapy would be less effective

Its like you will get a Popeye arm on just one side, and the rest will not be as developed as it could have been, if you had not focused on the one thing?

I have been with my T for two and a half years, twice a week. Like you, he pisses me off frequently. He has very firm boundaries as far as everything we do must promote my progress. He rarwly self discloses anything but will answer most occasional questions I may ask.

I would say I have made a lot of progress with him but I am in no way attached, nor will I ever be. I know he will never be my "friend" and I am fine with that. He is more like an annoying teacher. I actually look forward to holidays and his vacations so I can take a little break because therapy with him is hard and painful work. So no I do not think attachment is needed to make progress in therapy.

If you mean a strong or good therapeutic alliance, then I’d say it’s very important. That’s just been my experience anyway.

Attachment is not the critical factor for effective therapy. Actually, it can be to the detriment of positive therapeutic change.

A good rapport with one's therapist is what matters - as well as the client 'doing the work'.

I had a close relationship with my former therapist and was badly burned in the end when she suddenly decided to end it and attempted to gaslight me. I haven't talked about it much on the forum because I'm trying to let go of the past, but it's always in the back of my mind when interacting with my current therapist.

With my current therapist, it is hard to strike a balance because I like him very much. I believe he is a genuinely decent person, unlike my former therapist who was the definition of a narcissistic god-complex therapist. There is nothing phony about this one and he is open about himself and his own flaws. But I have to remind myself after every session now that no matter how chummy we sometimes get in his office, we are not friends and it's a paid service. And that's hard because I find him so likable that part of me wants to bond more deeply, but I can't allow it. All I can do is keep trying to allow the buried parts of myself to come to the surface, which is a big goal for me, and it's easier to do this with someone I like and trust.

Most people see their therapist for an hour or two per week. In some cases the therapist allows bare bones email/text interaction. In other cases the "attachment" figure refuses all contact outside sessions, and might punish the "child" figure for not obeying the rules.

Doesn't sound like a great idea to me.

I don’t know.

Attachment to my prior therapist caused me more pain and heartache than the benefit I derived from it. I had trouble getting past the money, clinical aura, role-playing, and of course the idea that she intimately bonded with hundreds of others. The more I attached to her I got, the more degraded I felt. The strong feelings that I loved her vs the reality that I was her mentally ill therapy patient in treatment left me in torturous confusion.

I do think connection can be a powerful healing mechanism, but for me it’s been the everyday relationships I’ve made as an adult that have been life-changing.

I never thought about my therapy in terms of attachment. I think it is possible to get hung up on that concept.

I simply looked for a therapist that I meshed with -- one I felt I could communicate with and felt like I could get from that therapy what I needed. I was looking for a working relationship, not for "attachment".

Thanks all.

I was just confused because I've seen many posts/articles about how it's important to have. I am glad it isn't really a big deal and it is possible to still do just fine without. What I have with t3 right now is working well.

I am very aware of my triggers and he knows the things I don't want from him. So hopefully I can continue through the end of the year and do ok without having to quit over this.

No. I don’t attach to therapists. I don’t need to attach to therapists in order to accomplish something I wanted to accomplish in therapy at a particular time in my life. I don’t get attached to professionals who provide service, they aren’t romantic partners or family or best friends, I don’t consider therapists any of those categories. Others of course might find attachment useful

From what I see on this subforum, attachment to therapists sometimes causes more harm than good. Therapy becomes all about therapy and working on relationship with therapists all while life outside of therapy is a mess or getting worse. I see how many people suffer because they want therapists to be their lovers or friends and that just ain’t happening.

But of course for some people attachment is good and needed.

I saw a therapist for four years. The results were excellent.

We had a good professional relationship /therapeutic alliance/working relationship. We did not have attachment. My relationship with her was similar to what I have with other professional people.

I have a lot of respect for her, and I would certainly recommend her, but I never missed her, or thought much about her, between sessions, or since ending therapy.

I agree, this is the ideal situation. Unfortunately, many Ts encourage what they call attachment and claim that they/therapy can dramatically remodel the client's attachment style and need. That attachment to them is something very beneficial to talk about in therapy. Then often the client puts so much focus on that that they neglect their real everyday relationships and cling to illusions that cannot be fulfilled, and get even more deprived than ever.

I can get attached to people I have professional relationships with and have done many times if it is a good work relationship, and miss them some when it ends. But it does not become an obsession or addiction and the focus is still primarily on the work. I think it is perfectly okay to talk a lot about attachment issues if that's what the client wants to work on but, IMO, it is healthier to focus that more on the client's outside relationships rather than the one with the T, which is unlike any regular relationship and often very imbalanced. I do not believe too much focus on and preoccupation with that can make therapy very effective. Very different when it is an effortless, nourishing, satisfying working alliance, sure it can enhance any experience. I always much prefer working with people I like personally and it often makes the work more efficient because there is that other layer of motivation for it, not just the product. Similar with mentoring. But when it becomes obsessive, one-sided and painful and someone cannot let go of it - it is hard to see how that can increase the efficacy of anything.

Some Ts claim that attachment affects everything and is present in every endeavor on some level. I very much disagree, there are many experiences and issues that have nothing to do with relationships.

Great post.

Mine encouraged attachment and dependency, and most of what I learned in therapy were self-taught survival and distress tolerance skills to cope with how miserable, hopeless and degraded I felt being attached and dependent. Being attached and dependent meant I couldn’t just leave, which is the healthy response to a situation causing excessive suffering and damage. I felt trapped in a hellish cycle of pain and relationship addiction, and it took everything I could muster to escape and start to recover. Long after therapy ended, I’m still working through residual PTSD symptoms and core damage from the ordeal.

What was especially ‘lovely’ was the denial from my therapist that anything was awry with what was going on and the implication that I was inherently flawed and not doing therapy right. Deep attachment to a therapist is a mistake I won’t make more than once.

I tend to think this is a very fluid sort of topic with many overlapping interpretations of various terms. Alliance v attachment v dependency are easily blurred. I think when a client has unmet primary needs, they can be ignored and still achieve progress on other issues; but I don't believe those needs will disappear, simply go underground and be expressed in ways that often undermine other areas of life. Not all clients have these needs, and therapy for them can be a lot more straightforward. But if the needs are there developmentally, I think they can be met if the T is emotionally healthy, well-trained, and ethical, without the process degrading into unhealthy dependency, emotional dysfunction, and a lessening of RL functionality.

But it does take a T who is very capable.

Agreed. The problem often is that many Ts have issues around those developmental needs and they cannot even handle them well in themselves, let alone help someone else with or around it. But, I think, those are the Ts often most likely to encourage dependency and enmeshment under the disguise of working on the client's attachment issues.

I think, at least in part, because secure attachments in normal development do not occur by talking about it, people actually rarely dissect that sort of thing in normal everyday life. It is something that develops naturally between compatible, caring people and with appropriate attention but not because people discuss it. Just like with parents in early life, we don't develop secure attachments by talking about it endlessly and by enduring pain related to the lack. I always have the impression that most of the successes and satisfying improvements in that area happen when the therapy is more focused on tangible, everyday problems and emotional difficulties the client has and not so much on what's going on in therapy.

Also, it may not be very difficult to achieve a sense of healthy attachment for a client who does not have very severe issues in that area, does not get painfully obsessed and even self-destructive over the limited nature of therapy and attachment. Those are more likely to be success stories.

Capable of what? Orchestrating artificial relationships with needy people for profit? So exploitive. And so hideously risky and unethical.

Nearly everyone here seems hopelessly caught in the therapy vortex. There are a few bright spots, but these are dwarfed into insignificance by the endless stream of train wrecks.

My experience with therapy enmeshment showed me the system is one big dysfunctional family. And like most dysfunctional families, this one has limited capacity for self-reflection and self-knowledge. Most therapists see nothing fundamentally wrong with baiting (consciously or not) vulnerable people into destabilizing faux intimacy. Or they do it see it, but have their own agenda and needs.

It's a high-risk game practiced on at-risk people. And the client shoulders all burdens. If the "relationship" tanks, the therapist skates, while the client gets PTSD and goes back to square one with a new stranger.