[weaverbeaver]

I hate her!
She was very small and wore the most ridiculous clothes. She also was extremely overweight. I am not exactly skinny myself but I think if you are a t self care is very important.
She also left the door open. I know there was nobody else in the building but it was my first session and it didn’t feel safe.
She also spoke about her qualifications a lot and said well I don’t need to see you till next month. I was like, wtf? I can’t go from seeing old t every week for 5 years to seeing this horrible t once a month. I took a real dislike to her and wanted to punch her in the nose!

[nottrustin]

Ouch. Sorry it went so horribly.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by nottrustin

Ouch. Sorry it went so horribly.

Thanks,
Maybe I am just overreacting but I haven’t had such a strong reaction to a therapist before!
I don’t like her- she looked like a gnome!

[SlumberKitty]

I think gut instinct is important. Maybe shop around for another T. HUGS Kit

Do you really care about her weight? I am asking because I can't imagine caring what size my therapist is. In the greater scheme of things, it's a matter of inches. Does a 30 inch waist make a woman a better therapist? It's mind-boggling to me.

I Like Giants:

[Lonelyinmyheart]

Definitely not the right T for you then! Trust your reaction and look elsewhere.

I have to say I wouldn't like the door being left open either. One time someone burst in during one of my sessions with an ex T and it took me a long time to get over it!

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

Do you really care about her weight? I am asking because I can't imagine caring what size my therapist is. In the greater scheme of things, it's a matter of inches. Does a 30 inch waist make a woman a better therapist? It's mind-boggling to me.


I Like Giants:

As someone who has struggled with eating disorders all my life, yes! I would want to talk about binging and purging and being around her knowing she is binging and not purging would trigger me! Sorry I am not meaning to be judgemental- it’s just how I feel.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

Definitely not the right T for you then! Trust your reaction and look elsewhere.


I have to say I wouldn't like the door being left open either. One time someone burst in during one of my sessions with an ex T and it took me a long time to get over it!

That happened to me twice before with ex t and it took ages to trust it wouldn’t happen again.
Sorry it happened to you too, it’s very frightening because therapy is supposed to be safe.

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

As someone who has struggled with eating disorders all my life, yes! I would want to talk about binging and purging and being around her knowing she is binging and not purging would trigger me! Sorry I am not meaning to be judgemental- it’s just how I feel.

Not all fat women are binging, not all fat women consider themselves to have an eating disorder. What about a fat therapist who is happy with her weight, who accepts all bodies? Being triggered by fat women sounds like internalised misogyny.

[coolibrarian]

Diabetes can cause weight gain. Having to take steroids (for instance, for autoimmune/inflammatory disorders) can cause weight gain. Thyroid problems can cause weight gain. Just because she's fat doesn't mean she's not practicing self-care.

On the other hand, she sounds awful. Can you look for someone else?

[weaverbeaver]

Yes lots of things cause weight gain, I myself have an under active thyroid but I don’t blame it for my recent weight gain. Even if she was skinny I wouldn’t like this t- weight aside, she was terrible.
My doctor recommended her because I have ptsd and thought she would be a good match but I couldn’t work with a t that didn’t see the need for me to have more support than once a month!

[Flinders40]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

As someone who has struggled with eating disorders all my life, yes! I would want to talk about binging and purging and being around her knowing she is binging and not purging would trigger me! Sorry I am not meaning to be judgemental- it’s just how I feel.

I have also struggled with eating disorders. How do you know she is binging and not purging? You’re basing that assumption solely on her weight? If you don’t like her for other reasons (leaving the door open) or just not clicking that’s reason enough to keep searching for the right fit, but don’t judge based on her physical appearance. I’m sure you wouldn’t want someone doing that to you.

[weaverbeaver]

No I wouldn’t want it but it’s what we all do, we judge people based on looks, intelligence, weight, appearance, in the first five seconds we meet someone at least one judgement based on their appearance comes into our heads. It’s not just me we all do it!
This seems to be triggering a lot of people

[ArtleyWilkins]

Trust your gut. Don't waste another dime on this one. I've walked aways from several therapists and doctors over the years that I just had that negative gut feeling about from the moment I laid eyes on them. Life is to short to waste money on a bad fit.

[coolibrarian]

We DON'T ALL do it! Some of us, when we became aware (or someone told us) that we WERE doing it, we stopped doing it!

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by ArtleyWilkins

Trust your gut. Don't waste another dime on this one. I've walked aways from several therapists and doctors over the years that I just had that negative gut feeling about from the moment I laid eyes on them. Life is to short to waste money on a bad fit.

You are right. I am glad you trusted your gut and got away so quickly.
It’s a pity we don’t listen to our guts more often. I didn’t like her on the phone and I should have trusted that.
She asked me who my last t was and I think that was when my gut screamed noooo, you can’t work with her!

[ArtleyWilkins]

In all fairness, appearance was only of several problems with this therapist piled on top of each other, not the only issue.

One issue almost all of us can work around, but multiple issues all coming to our attention in the very first encounter is a time when a person needs to go with their instinct and move on.

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

No I wouldn’t want it but it’s what we all do, we judge people based on looks, intelligence, weight, appearance, in the first five seconds we meet someone at least one judgement based on their appearance comes into our heads. It’s not just me we all do it!
This seems to be triggering a lot of people

I am not triggered by your comments, I am disagreeing with your assumptions and outlook. I don't judge women based on their weight, but you are right - I am likely to judge a woman on other physical factors such as wearing make-up, wearing high heels, etc. I suppose this feels different to me because I am not judging her for her weight, height, bodily presence - I am judging her for the patriarchal crap she is buying into. Ouch, that's harsh. I mean, I get it too, some women don't have the choice or confidence to opt out of that crap, but I still judge them. Urgh to me.

[unaluna]

Im sure theres good people on both sides

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo

I am not triggered by your comments, I am disagreeing with your assumptions and outlook. I don't judge women based on their weight, but you are right - I am likely to judge a woman on other physical factors such as wearing make-up, wearing high heels, etc. I suppose this feels different to me because I am not judging her for her weight, height, bodily presence - I am judging her for the patriarchal crap she is buying into. Ouch, that's harsh. I mean, I get it too, some women don't have the choice or confidence to opt out of that crap, but I still judge them. Urgh to me.

Sorry for assuming I was triggering you and others. I was just surprised by how people picked up on the fact that I was triggered by her weight( amongst other things) as Artywilkins said.
I think it’s rather naive to think that we don’t judge others- it’s a human condition and it’s not out of malice it just comes natural. We go to a pound tiger a rescue and judge whether that dog is suitable based on the two minutes we see them.
It’s my prerogative to judge a t based on the hour that I paid them for on whether I think they can help me and I need help Edith my own impulsive eating and if I see someone who has no control over her eating I really don’t think they can help me- also based on other factors too. Judge me all you want and I don’t mean you but other posters, but I am entitled to speak my truth!

[unaluna]

A lot of things "come natural". But we're not cavemen. We're trying to be civilized here. I think thats the point the others were trying to make. It may be true, but is it kind? To think less of someone for a physical characteristic? I have a cousin who has a bona fide fast metabolism. She is thin regardless of how much she eats. It doesnt make her a better person.

[susannahsays]

I kind of agree with you weaver beaver about everybody judging and having a right to judge therapists and make whatever assumptions we want to evaluate their suitability, except I hate the expression "speak my truth."

If you're going to fixate on her weight and if it's going to trigger you, it really doesn't matter why she's fat or if she's a good person - in the context of if she's the right therapist for you personally at this time.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Originally Posted by unaluna

A lot of things "come natural". But we're not cavemen. We're trying to be civilized here. I think thats the point the others were trying to make. It may be true, but is it kind? To think less of someone for a physical characteristic? I have a cousin who has a bona fide fast metabolism. She is thin regardless of how much she eats. It doesnt make her a better person.

I don't think it is really my job to stay with a therapist just to be kind. We're not talking generally about the public or who we're friends with, etc. We're talking about a level of personal comfort, for whatever reason, with a therapist that we need to have that level of comfort to just feel safe enough to open up with. I completely reserve the right to choose a therapist based on my comfort level with whatever it is I need comfort around.

For some people, they refuse to see a male therapist. So, are we being unkind by judging a man because we feel he will be like all the other men in our life who have hurt us and we are prejudging him because of our personal experience? To adjust your words: Being a man doesn't make him a bad person. Just an example, but bottom line, it helps to have a therapist that you don't have a discomfort with for whatever reason.

If something is going to immediately get in our way, we're the consumer, and we have the right to make choices about where to spend our money. No one is going up to this therapist and saying "I don't like you because you are overweight." They are just silently making a decision (about several problems with this therapist in addition to the weight) to seek out someone different who they can feel more comfortable with.

I had totally forgotten about this until this thread: I very, very briefly saw a therapist (one session) who was a quadriplegic and on a respirator. I had no forewarning that was the case, and it definitely threw me off. I am as enlightened and comfortable as anyone about physical disabilities, probably more than most; I'm married to a man with serious physical handicaps. Normally I don't bat an eye, but I simply wasn't prepared, and in my anxiety simply for seeing a new therapist in the first place, this was just a bit more than I was prepared for. For some reason, it really heightened my anxiety. I didn't return, partially because of the physical issues and partially because I was just so emotionally off-kilter from the session that I just couldn't return -- I didn't even seek a different therapist in that clinic. I never went back. I wasn't being unkind; I was simply dysregulated by the situation unfolding the way it did. If I had said anything cruel or complained to the clinic, sure, that would be unkind, but I made a personal decision that this particularly situation was not going to work for me and moved on.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

It’s my prerogative to judge a t based on the hour that I paid them for on whether I think they can help me and I need help Edith my own impulsive eating and if I see someone who has no control over her eating I really don’t think they can help me- also based on other factors too. Judge me all you want and I don’t mean you but other posters, but I am entitled to speak my truth!

If you don’t want to see a fat therapist, don’t see a fat therapist. I think what was bothersome is that you didn’t just say that, you made assumptions about her fatness. Like right above, you say she has no control over her eating. But you don’t know that’s why she’s fat. Maybe she’s on meds that cause weight gain, maybe she has a metabolic disorder, maybe she’s fine with her weight, and yes, maybe she eats too much. It’s like it’s not just about fat for you—and that’s the interesting part from a therapy perspective.

But why not just say “I don’t want to see a fat therapist”? We all have deal-breakers for therapists. (Mine include, “Must have read Hamlet.”) Just own it. No shame needed.

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by unaluna

A lot of things "come natural". But we're not cavemen. We're trying to be civilized here. I think thats the point the others were trying to make. It may be true, but is it kind? To think less of someone for a physical characteristic? I have a cousin who has a bona fide fast metabolism. She is thin regardless of how much she eats. It doesnt make her a better person.

I never said being thin makes someone a better person. Likewise, I am not saying that bring fat makes anyone a worse person!