Have you ever told a T your deepest darkest secret?

I don't really have deep dark secrets. I've shared the sexual stuff with private therapists and in support groups.

That is so good to hear, SP. That took a lot of courage. I hope you feel more at peace about this now.

I do feel more at peace now. It really helped practicing with you and a few others. Your positive responses were so helpful. I'm not ready yet to forgive myself, but I think I just might work on it some more with L. I have to ask her first, but I think she'd be okay with it. I'm just so relieved. L told me to go celebrate today with ice cream

My response was about the providing of reassurances. I didn't say anything was impossible.

I'm super upset! Tonight was the session after telling L about the secret. The session was a blur, so I'm sorry if I'm not as clear as possible.
I was upset about a few things, but we talked about it. We had 7 minutes left and I tried telling her that I didn't feel good, that I didn't feel like everything was addressed. Somehow she went into how she felt about the secret. It crushed me. I know she told me the truth and for that I'm grateful. But I was not ready to hear it. She said it's bad, not malicious, least it's not current. I just can't get it out of my mind that she said it was bad and why it's bad. And she used some of the words to describe it. Omg it hurt. It was so embarrassing and shameful and humiliating. No one has ever talked to me about it like that. I was not prepared.

I'm thinking of quitting. She did say I can go see her again Sat, but I don't know. I'm so hurt and upset. I feel like someone sat on my chest and my heart is aching and it's hard to breathe.

naah, I cant just say to someone IRL that I am sadistic or I dont have an emotional attachment to ppl(even to my family) or having obsession on serial killers, constantly watching TCC edits. If i would say more I would not have anyone to talk. I am toxic inside but outside ppl often tell I am the nicest person

I don't want to continue. I'm hurting so much. I deserved what happened today. It's all my fault. I just wasn't prepared. No one ever said those things to me.

A deep **** my friend Remember that life changes. You might be very happy in the near future, believe me. Just stay strong in harder times and eventually you will see positive changes in your life. I promise you.

I see you have a borderline, reminded me of this song Tove Styrke - Borderline love this song, I can relate in some way. Did you listen this song ?

I'm sorry she didn't handle it well at all, I know you were struggling with telling her in the first place.

Oh SP, my heart just aches for you. I have been in a similar spot. You may not be ready for this now but I found it tremendously healing to work through my shame. In other words, it might be very helpful to tell her your reaction to her reaction. She obviously cares about you and her care has not diminished because of this bad thing. Remember that even the bad things we do are often results of conditioning.

Sending so much support. Feel free to PM if you need to chat.

Scarlet, sounds like she was being honest with you AND still saying she is there for you. Don't forget the AND. It's important. Someone who really cares will be honest AND still welcome you. That is a VERY important aspect of her communication with you about this. Don't ignore the AND.

Yes, and he still accepts & cares about me

She just went too fast and too direct. I asked her not to say the words, to talk indirectly about it. She used the words! I asked her to save time so I can ground myself before heading home. She didn't do that.

The AND is hard. I'm trying my best to see and use that, so thank you for saying that Artley. I do want her to be honest AND gentle. It came out so harsh from her. I was caught off guard. I was not prepared to hear those things. No one has ever said those things to me.

She responded to an email I wrote her last night. She apologized. I believe her. I'm just still hurting both physically and emotionally. I cried for 4 hours, and I've only gotten 4 hours of sleep. I still feel disgusted with myself. It's hard; very hard.

Hugs, Scarlet, I'm so sorry for what L said and that you're feeling so badly now.

This is not the same, but it makes me think of what partly hurt me that my T said about something recent that happened with me. I was talking to my T about feeling so much shame about it . And he said that feeling ashamed is a natural reaction, and a healthy one. That feeling ashamed about mistakes is what prompts us to make changes. But that the shame was normal and expected. Then he didn't seem to understand why that made me feel worse...

When is your regular T back to work?

T will be back around Nov 1st. After these last two sessions, I'm wondering if I should just go back to T when she comes back. I was thinking of staying with L. Everything up to the last two sessions have been good with L.

Thankfully, my H agreed to let me see L again for an extra session this week. But he's so mad at her because she made me cry. But at least I don't have to wait a week to try to sort this out.

Sorry you are hurting. My guess is that there was no way for her to really make this easier. No matter what she said, it is very possible that in your perception it would sound harsh because YOU are so harsh on yourself concerning this aspect of your history.

We hear through the filter from which we speak to ourselves, no matter what. One of the hardest, yet most important tasks in getting past our internal shameful messages is to change that filter . . . it's clogged and dirty and making our internal system work poorly.

Some of my best, most trusted allies are the people in my life who spoke truth to me, even painful truth, and are still be there for me despite how clearly they see me, with all my faults. No, it's not easy to hear things sometimes, but I have never regretted hearing them in the long run.

scarlet-if you want a non-judge mental voice, you can always OM me. i’ve followed your story and it speaks to me. <3

I talked to L on the phone today. It helped a lot, but we have a lot more to talk about. We need to discuss what words to not use. We also need to discuss more how she feels about the secret. I found out why she did what she did yesterday. I told her that I felt she was ignoring the secret, so to her that meant saying how she felt about it. She did realize that I was crying, but she didn't realize I froze. At the end I told her I still loved her, and she said she loves me. So I think things are on the right track now.

Sorry you are hurting so much. Shame can be very painful.

ETA: FWIW, I personally wouldn't know how to approach something indirectly. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe she didn't realize just how hurtful her directness would be.

For me, it's using the words. I wish I could give you an example, but I can't think of one without saying what the secret is. The only words I can stand right now is "it" and "the secret". Saying the technical term is definitely not allowed. I would die if she used that. Other terms include the action and the description of the subject.

I guess I can try using the example of murdering men in their 50s. No, I did not murderer anyone! It's an example. So using the word "murderer" or "murder" or "kill" or "killing" is not allowed. Saying the word "men" is not allowed. We can talk around it like how I feel about it or where/why it might have happened. I wasn't prepared for her to tell me what she thought. Now we have to talk about that.

Yes but not major details.

So over the time on here, and through this thread, people have told me their secret, and I have shared mine. It really helped that you all didn't judge me. But I still judge myself. L mentioned if I judged any of you. I don't. I am able to see how an action might be "bad", but the person is a good person. But not for me. Someone even shares a similar secret as I do, and I can totally understand. I can empathize and respect this person. They are a good person. But not me. I can't forgive myself. I think I'm dirty and disgusting.

I don't know how to forgive myself. L says I must be pretty lonely holding onto this for so long. It is.

We're going to slowly be working on the layers of this secret. It's not easy. But she's being gentle, going slowly, and respecting me (i.e. not saying the words, stopping when it's too much). I hope all this pain will be worthwhile in the end.

I have 3 big secrets. I told T one accidentally but have not told him the other two. Because it was accidental when I told T the first one he did not handle it as sensitively as I think he would had it been what we were actually talking about. He made me admit to the act of doing it without allowing me to tell him anything else of the story that goes with it. He was clearly shocked that “I” would do it. Not his typical, non reaction, non judging self. I emailed him and let him know I was upset he didn’t get the whole story and that I felt judged. He said he didn’t judge me and that when I was ready we would talk about the story. He felt badly that I felt forced to tell him and even worse about his reaction.
The second one is very similar to the first, and possibly illegal in the US while the first was just “wrong”. At some point I will tell T. I am worried about his reaction but trust him to get us through it.

Now, the third secret... again, T does not know this one and I am afraid if I tell him he will change his boundaries with me in a way that would feel punishing. This one is also “wrong” IMO but it is not illegal. Before I tell him this one we will talk about what I need him NOT to say. I told another T a long time ago and her reply was “we all make mistakes”. That reply made me feel a million times worse, discounted and totally unsafe to tell her anything. With current T I fear he will change his boundaries and I will feel punished. However, it is more likely he will explain why people do things like that. Also, I *think* if I did this same thing to him in session (as opposed to telling him about when I did it at 10-12 years old to someone else) I think we would work through it, I don’t think he would be shocked or angry and I don’t think he would permanently change his boundaries... just change them long enough to work through it. Strange how our minds work isn’t it? I think T can understand me doing the secret to him directly and being OK but I don’t think it would be OK to tell him the secret.

You are welcome to PM me if it would help to know my secret or to get another nonjudgmental reply to yours.

On a side note there is also someone in the world who has a secret about what they did to me when they were a teen that is illegal. As the “victim” I do not judge them and would not judge them if they tracked me down now and wanted to talk about it (as long as they weren’t bragging). I would also hope that if they are in therapy that they would be able to tell their T and that their T could say something supportive of them, not dismissing the seriousness of “it” but not making them keep carrying it with them either... forgive themselves I guess.

I am glad L seems to be handling it well.

I told both Ts my BIG secret. It took me quite a while to tell T about it. It had the potential to harm many people if it got out. Eventually, I realized there was nothing I could do as I was the victim

There are things I did as a teen that I have not told either of them. I don't know that it will make a difference to my current life. I know EMDR T would not judge me as a horrible person but so far I can't open up. A few months ago during an appointment I almost said something but caught myself and told her I could not talk about it. She was supportive and we changed the subject.

Im just starting to go there with my therapist. It felt really scary last session to share some of it, i do not know what to expect next week when i see her. Me and my husband had alcohol problems til two years ago. Somethings he did to me still haunt me and she says i just need to get it out of my system. There are many dark secrets of my past that i have told no one. My therapist has really helped me feel safe and i feel i can slowly unfold my stuff over time. You can always pm me too i non judgemental.