Have you ever told a T your deepest darkest secret?

I've hurt other children. I've never shared. I wouldn't judge another person for acting out abuse, including my own close in age perpetrator, but I judge myself, I condemn myself.

I guess so. I shared pretty much anything that needed to be shared. Not sure I'd define any of it as deepest, darkest secrets.

That's the whole point of therapy.

I think there is a difference between therapist and real world friends or significant others or even people online.

There are ton of reasons I wouldn’t date or be friends with people who did things I find unacceptable. But I’d not reject them if they are part of professional assignment. I don’t reject people who I am supposed to care for and chose to do that for a living simply because they did bad things. When a therapist chooses their profession, they know what they sign up for. If therapist rejects you, it will say more About her than you

I thought your exT wanted you to have higher level of care, that’s why she stopped providing service. I doubt it’s because you shared something bad.

Now I understand it’s hard to share something. I don’t have deep secrets or anything illegal done so I can’t even i imagine, if that’s so hard to share it’s got to be way more extreme than you did illegal drugs etc. So I get that’s very hard if it’s something that directly or indirectly harmed others: kids, animals etc I can relate to doing stupid stuff that I wish I haven’t done. If I feel like sharing, I identify the reason why. Why do you need to share?

I think there must be a reason why you want to share. I’d probably start by identifying the reason first, then it might easier to address it. Like you are afraid it will happen again if you are suffering thinking about the deed or you wish it never happened or you want to address underlying issues “why” you did it the first place. It might be easier to bring something I’ll if you start by saying why you need to share

I know why I want to share. She said she loves me and I don't feel like I deserve her love. I'll feel like a fraud if I accept her love and don't tell her the worst about me.

This would be the opposite of reassuring to me. If the therapist said she would still like me (the one I see has never claimed to love me) if I told her I murdered my family or committed multiple murders yesterday, I would consider her to be a liar.

This may be off topic, but I don't like my BIL and I don't love him and he went to jail for murdering someone. That's not why I dislike him as it happened in his youth before I even knew him, I don't like the way he treats my sister. If he treated my sister better, I probably would be wary of him, but I could probably bring myself around to liking him, if he was a good guy. But he's not. So I don't. Even though my religion tells me we are supposed to love everyone. But I'm human, and I can't. And I sometimes feel guilty for that. Then I think of how he treats my sister and grrrr.

Current T has never claimed to like me or love me. I think she doesn't hate me or anything. But IDK if she likes me. She has said before she is happy to see me, but is that the same as liking someone? Maybe she was happy to see me for some other reason.

I could see someone murdering someone else and still love them. Especially, if it's self-defense. I could also see a few other scenarios, but won't post them.

Both T and L know I have homicidal thoughts sometimes. I did with ex-T for a long time. But they know I wouldn't act on them (ex-T and H are still alive...). They already know I've never murdered anyone. It wasn't an example L brought up. I asked her "If I was a murderer...".

Ok but the specific examples of murdering one's family and killing three people "yesterday" are not, to me personally, examples of when I would continue liking somebody. Imo, especially in the case of killing three people yesterday, since that has been since she has known you. It's not as if you have somehow grown as a person since murdering these people.

And people who kill other people in self defense haven't committed murder.

Point is, I would be wary of such loosy goosy assurances that seem so unrealistic. If you went on a shooting rampage, Scarlet, I guarantee you that L would not still love you. That would be ridiculous.

So you think L lying to me?

Btw, just making it really clear: being a murderer is just an example. It's an example of something really bad you can do as a person. I also used the example of a child molester, one that I used with ex-T and T and I think even on here. I use these examples because I feel I belong in the ranks with them. That I should be punished for it or even God is punishing me for it (one reason why I think I couldn't get pregnant).

And your definition of a murderer differs from mine. I believe if you end a human life, yours or someone else's, you're a murderer. Doesn't matter why. I know some will disagree with me. That's not my point. My point is that everyone has a different meaning for words like murderer or love or affection, etc.

I sent L an email asking her for some more clarification about the word love and I quoted your concern. I don't want to open up to her if she's not going to be honest.

Thanks Scarlet, I’m gonna PM you. It’ll be good practice. You can practice on me too if you feel comfortable and like it would help you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by comrademoomoo I can't understand "deepest darkest secrets". What do people mean? Murder or other extreme crimes? If not criminal matters, what might a secret be? Moral transgressions? I don't tell many people things about myself and there are things which I haven't shared with my therapist, but I don't think of them as "secrets".

I don't understand, either. AN actual, physical secret (something someone did) or a secret thought...I'm not clear on the "secret" term.

Legally, you have not committed murder if you kill someone in self defense. That is what I mean. Seems a bit offensive to lump, say, a domestic violence victim who clubs their abuser with a blunt object while they are being strangled, with the abuser should the abuser succeed in strangling them. Those two things aren't the same thing at all.

I don't know what this secret is, but it sounds like you're using a lot of black and white thinking about all this. I have no idea if you deserve to be lumped in with murderers and child molesters, but maybe you're using some mental gymnastics to come to that conclusion.

And I don't know if L is lying to you. What she said just doesn't ring true to me. That doesn't mean I think her intention was to be deceitful. I just think therapists should probably be a bit more cautious in their reassurances and never make promises they can't keep. Just seems like so many people have been hurt by therapists who, while I think they thought they were helping at the time, were too cavalier with their words and too eager to make the client feel good. Because I think making the client feel good and having the client trust them makes therapists feel good. That's understandable. It makes me feel good if someone trusts me and if I am able to help them in some way that makes them feel better. I think most people feel that way since we're social creatures. But I think many therapists, maybe even most, fall into the trap of making the client feel good for the secondary gain of themselves feeling good - which means there is even less of an incentive than there would be otherwise for a therapist to say something the client might not like. I think maybe things just pop out of their mouths sometimes. From what many other people have quoted their therapists as saying, I don't get the impression that therapists necessarily have a tendency to think before speaking.

L wrote me back. She seemed a little stern. But she did reassure me and clarified her definitions and why she said what she said. I believe her.

No, but I've told my psychiatrist. He's been amazing.

Half of it... it went poorly.

Tomorrow's the day. I'm super anxious. I was actually shaking today when I think about it. L reassured me that she believes we'll be okay. I hope so.

Good luck, SP. I think it will be okay. L sounds like a wonderful T for you.

I don’t think it would be ridiculous or dishonest at all if t felt that way. I have love for the person who severely harmed me (on the brink of murder, the things he did was worse than murder in many people’s eyes). It is totally possible to still have love for even the worst criminals. It’s rang true for me, to feel love for horrific criminals. So I’m sure it’s true for others too.

How did it go?

Here's hoping it went well for you today, SP.

It went extremely well. She still loves me. Actually, she said she loves me more because I was so vulnerable and opened up to her. She gave me a big hug in the end. I'm still nervous that maybe she lied to me and is just waiting for T to come back to dump me. She reassured me she won't and will continue to work with me beyond T coming back. I told her only time will make me trust her. I feel so much relief now that I've told her. I feel like I can accept her love now. And we talked about love again. That went good as well. I now understand her love for me. It feels so good that everything turned out okay and that she's not going to leave me. I was a crying mess...first time fully crying in person with her. That felt good too. Oh, and it also allowed her to understand some of my spiritual issues. I'll be able to incorporate it into those sessions in the future.

I need a rest now. That was a lot for me. But I'm glad I did it. Thank you all for the support! It really helped give me confidence to do it.

I'm glad it went well for you, Scarlet!

I'm happy it went well for you! Yay!