[MissCharlotte]

Since yesterday's session I have felt somewhat flat. It was a good session--as sessions go. I didn't dissociate...stayed grounded the entire time (2 weeks in a row!).

Today I feel a bit flat. T has been encouraging me to get out more and develop more relationships. Why do I have to do this? I love being home (when I'm not at work). I love taking care of my family and just being cozy. I feel safe here. I don't want to go out--this is enough for me. I got a job didn't I? Why isn't that enough?

I also don't want to face him tomorrow. It will be the last session before the Christmas break and I'm sick of facing these separations from him. I just want to pretend it's not happening. I'll keep busy until he returns. Ohhhhhhhhh I'll be good T--don't leave me. And I won't tell you that I'll miss you because it makes me want to cry.

Grrrrrrrrrrr---struggle--push--pull--yikes!!!! Damn, %#@&#!, %#@&#!.



Bah Humbug

((((((((((((sister)))))))))))))
know that T will be back after break.
see if you can get a emergency # in case, even if it just to make you feel safe...
As far as getting out more , we could work on that together. I go to work and home . Prolly same reason as you it feels safe.
Pm me if you want

remember we are 22 LOLOLOL

[Mouse_]

Sister, Tis hard. I'm not doing to bad at the moment. I said to T on our last session 2days ago how outside of therapy I am becoming stronger, unyet here, in that room with her, I feel weak and stupid. T said because in here you experience very young feelings, and in doing that you are becoming stronger in your life outside of therapy. Once she had reminded me that the way I am in session is because of age regression and not me being a silly freak, I somehow felt ok. I feel now like I won't shout at that young part of me so much this break. I'm going to let her hang around with me while we wait for T to resume.

[Perna]

I wish I knew then what I know now :-) I wouldn't have shut myself "in" so much nor for so long. It's all about habit. We get "good" at what we practice and if you get "small" and cozy and stay that way, you will have a harder time is something happens to that small, cozy world? It's like whether you want a workshop or an old screwdriver and a hammer and call it a day and then find you need to build yourself something.

You ever watch any of the Survivor shows? You know how they wish for more tools, food, resources; well, going "out" is a resource. What interests do you have at home? Cooking? Go to the library and check out a couple cookbooks and find a couple new recipes to try with exotic ingredients that require you go to that specialty grocery store across or in the next town. That's "out".

I always hated when T went on breaks and I tried to go on breaks at the same time or come up with "projects" to keep me busy or interested so I didn't have so much time to just sit and wish for her and the interest/comfort of therapy. Sometimes though I hyper-focused on therapy when she wasn't there and that could be an interesting/helpful project too; recording all my dreams and writing up my thought processes (and my thought processes get pret-ty convoluted :-) and holding every little thing up to the light of the therapy process and what I'd tell my T when she got back, etc. My absolutely "favorite" experience was when I had to put my cat to sleep and tried to comfort myself initially, while I was still at the vets making the decision, "that's okay, T will help" and then the immediate realization that T was away for another 2-3 weeks. . . Treat your away experiences like scientific experiments and look at them hard from third person. That lets you rest a bit between being one of the "things" being experimented on and being the observer both.

Maybe you are a bit flat in preparation for him leaving-- you are preparing yourself for numbness so you don't have to feel the pain.

%#@&#! vacations. Why? You will be so busy he will be back before you know it.

If you want to tell him that you'll miss him, go ahead. It's okay to cry. :-) I bet he'll miss you, too.

i have 2 weeks to kill

dont want to go tomorrow

[Perna]

Go anyway, MzJello, it's good "practice". There are lots of things that are difficult to do but that we wish we could make ourselves do so doing some that might actually be healthy/helpful is good practice for examples to use when we need to give ourselves a added incentive.

I make up stories when it helps me. T has a message to give before she goes away :-) Then I listen to see what I can use as a "message" that makes me glad I went. Something to think about while she's away? Something to anchor me while she's away, etc.

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks all.

Yeah, it's tough to face. As a matter of fact I already feel abandoned.

I wonder if my resistance to the "going out" is related to his going away.....

Perna, I LOVE JONI MITCHELL!!!!!



I'll let y'all know how tomorrow goes. Jello, we can trade stories because of course you're going. What? Oh, yes you are! And then for the next two weeks we can hold hands.

[Perna]

Too late :-)

[MissCharlotte]

Well, of course, the all-time appropriate Joni song for me:

Lyrics for Twisted (some of them)

My analyst told me
That I was right out of my head
The way he described it
He said I'd be better dead than live
I didn't listen to his jive
I knew all along
That he was all wrong
And I knew that he thought
I was crazy but I'm not
Oh no

[Perna]

Oh, I prefer Trouble Child for me:

Up in a sterilized room
Where they let you be lazy
Knowing your attitude's all wrong
And you got to change
And that's not easy
Dragon shining with all values known
Dazzling you-keeping you from your own
Where is the lion in you to defy him
When you're this weak
And this spacey...

So what are you going to do about it
You can't live life and you can't leave it
Advice and religion-you can't take it
You can't seem to believe it
The peacock is afraid to parade
You're under the thumb of the maid
You really can't give love in this condition
Still you know how you need it

They open and close you
Then they talk like they know you
They don't know you
They're friends and they're foes too
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at malibu

So why does it come as such a shock
To know you really have no one
Only a river of changing faces
Looking for an ocean
They trickle through your leaky plans
Another dream over the dam
And you're lying in some room
Feeling like your right to be human
Is going over too
Well some are going to knock you
And some'll try to clock you
You know it's really hard
To talk sense to you
Trouble child
Breaking like the waves at malibu

[ECHOES]

((( sister )))

It is so hard, these darn breaks. My T's break just began and I was missing her. I called just to hear her recorded voice and found she'd changed her message to say when she'd be gone. In her message she says "....and I will return on Wednesay Jan 2" and I found that hearing that "I'll be back" message makes me feel so much bettter.

I think getting out more is about letting in more and I think it will happen when you feel comfortable letting it happen.

[ECHOES]

((( sister )))

It is so hard, these darn breaks. My T's break just began and I was missing her. I called just to hear her recorded voice and found she'd changed her message to say when she'd be gone. In her message she says "....and I will return on Wednesay Jan 2" and I found that hearing that "I'll be back" message makes me feel so much bettter.

I think getting out more is about letting in more and I think it will happen when you feel comfortable letting it happen.

[MissCharlotte]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think getting out more is about letting in more and I think it will happen when you feel comfortable letting it happen.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah. Like never. I am so cozy this morning.

[Perna]

I'll love you till the bluebells forget to bloom;
I'll love you till the clover has lost its perfume.
I'll love you till the poets run out of rhyme,
Until the twelfth of never and that's a long, long time.

I don't know why everyone's posts are reminding me of music, must be Cyran0's or Nowheretorun's fault? :-)

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:
It is so hard, these darn breaks. My T's break just began and I was missing her.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I had therapy last night and he will be gone until Jan 7. 19 days between sessions. So far I am OK, but I know this will seem long. It wasn't even that great a session. I wish our last one before the break could have been a good one.

sister, I think your having a job now is a way of "getting out". You get a different scene each day from the home life, and you have to interact with the people at work. You can develop relationships with your co-workers, which are important too (good working relationships). I think sometimes we do need to coccoon and gather strength and energy from being by ourselves. Also, some of us are more introverted than others, and doing the social butterfly thing does not benefit us as much as it would an extrovert. Anyway, I agree with ECHOES. When you are ready to "get out", you will.