Couch 207: The spiced gingerbread couch

I do think much of the reaction to that sort of thing depends on the child. I was an anxious child, so I'd have worried about that sort of thing. Where it sounds like you weren't, so it wouldn't have bothered you. My T has talked about how two people can go through the exact same experiences in childhood, and how they react at the time and whether it affects them throughout their life depends on so many things, like personality, etc. This is a good example of that.


Some things my parents said to me that were hurtful are still in my head. So I'm particularly careful what I say to my D. Do I get upset with her and yell sometimes? Yes, as recently as yesterday morning (she was being...quite the handful). But I also try to be careful about the specific things I say, as she does seem to have some anxiety issues (likely tied to the ASD).

One time I "ran away" to the woods down the street. My dad pretended to call the police telling them there was a suspicious vagrant in the woods. He did this in front of my little sister, knowing she would sneak out of the house to alert me. Terrified that I would be thrown in prison, I hurried back home with my tail between my legs.

I have anxiety - just not over abandonment or things like this.

Ugh, Art, that's awful. I would have reacted the same way you did. And some things my parents said to me that were upsetting still affect me--it's just how my brain works. As for age, with my D, her social/emotional and language levels are probably like 2 years behind (based on milestone charts and past testing), so she's more like a 6-year-old in that sense than an 8-year-old.

I don’t know if it’s okay or not LT..

I mean I’ve done something where with the kids I nanny if they are whining especially when we are trying to get out the door for something I’ve done the whole “Okay. I’m getting in the car now. You can stay home alone if you want but I’m leaving.” Ultimately it’s gets them to stop whining and get moving.

But if it’s just in the context where the child is whiny at home and someone just says “I’m going to take you and leave you at school” then I’m not sure if that’s okay because I wouldn’t want them to feel the anxiety all day of not knowing if they will get picked up. I feel that’s unfair.

This wouldn't have been okay for me as a child. I was very anxious and very literal and I would have believed it. I would have been scared and anxious. I think there are better ways to express frustration than threatening to leave a child somewhere.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to cancel Regular T this week. IDK if I feel like going. Usually I don't miss T but I cancelled last week and I am tempted to cancel this week. I AM seeing Pastor T tonight. But I don't feel like I have much to talk about either place. IDK, I haven't decided. I'm just not looking forward to it. I'm trying to think if I am running away from anything, but I don't feel like it. I think it just is what it is. HUGS to anyone who wants one. Kit

If your still struggling with the SH and suicidal feelings, I think it would be better if you let T be there for you.

If you think you would be better off not going, I hope you'll do what's best for you.

Thanks @Lemoncake I'm going to wait until tomorrow to decide, after I have my appointment with Pastor T tonight, because who knows what will come up with that. I am still having SH thoughts but she hasn't been terribly helpful with those. I'm not currently having suicidal thoughts so that's good. I'm going to be busy 4 nights this week, and I guess I was partially thinking of that. Like how I could downsize my commitments this week. But I'm going to wait to see how it goes with Pastor T tonight because who knows, I might really need to talk to T after that appointment.

I tried to run away one time (not coinciding with the children's home threat, of course). I remember it was winter and I couldn't find my gloves so I put pairs of socks over my hands/arms but my dad caught me before I got out of our yard... I have no idea where on earth I thought I would go. I was such an odd kid.

I also think it depends on who is saying it. Like if my dad had said something I would have one reaction versus if my mother had said something I would have another. I don't think a child expects the same thing from each parent (I am not talking about a cohesive parental front - I think that is important that parents are a solid front). Dads and moms can talk to and deal with children differently from each other and it is not fatal to the child

Still trying to get used to my body not working the same way anymore. Went for a walk and may have over done it.

I had so much trouble sleeping last night. I probably only got 4 or 5 hours of sleep so I am really tired.

Maybe lack of sleep is contributing to your indecision about going to your session or canceling? maybe a good night sleep with help.

I think it’s OK if it doesn’t happen that often. And if the child feels secure otherwise. And if it doesn’t personally attack the child.

My mother never yelled; she just handed down a penalty for whatever it was (“no playground for a week” is one I remember when I fussed about leaving). My father yelled but never said anything personal—it was always focused on our behavior not our character. And then after he yelled he gave the same sort of penalty my mother did—go to your room, no allowance this week, whatever it was.

I went ahead and pushed past that good little girl complex and emailed L just briefly, to follow up on the weekend workshop. It felt like a last dangling thread or something, y'know, since she was the one who gave me the information about it and we had discussed some whether I would go or not. She responded more than just the usual couple of words, so that was nice, and now I feel like I can get back to the process of moving forward without her.

In my house growing up my parents never separated out the behavior from the character. They were one and the same. That's why I still catch myself saying "I'm so stupid" instead of "That wasn't a very smart thing to do" or whatever. My parents were both yellers - my dad much louder than my mom - and my dad doled out the physical punishments - only difference was my dad would always come back later and apologize for yelling etc and then talk calmly and make sure we were ok. My mom never ever did and she would hold a grudge for days or longer and wouldn't speak to me or whichever sibling was in trouble during that time. I think that was worse than my dad in some ways, the being ignored.

well except for the children's home threat. he never apologized for that and later after i was an adult and asked him how he could have said that to his own kid he denied it. but i know i didn't make it up because my brother told me he remembered it too.

I'm glad L responded to you, @ArtieSwimsOn I think it's important for the closure aspect. HUGS Kit

What Wonderland do/did you all live in where children are allowed to whine?

Im not saying its a bad thing. Maybe thats why my whines are still busting out all over!

My parents were still a bit too caught up in the "children should be seen and not heard" that they grew up in.

Mine too, dear una.

No - it is a very bad thing to let children whine. We were not allowed to whine and it would have been dealt with swiftly and physically. But we don't whine. Not even my sibling whines. I don't think it is bad to expect children to live up to standards. I am not encouraging beating them, but I do see a lot of people who let the child run the show and then wonder why the child is unhappy or out of control or why others don't want the kid near them.

My parents did not put up with whining from us children. No whining, no tattling, no yelling, no tantrums, no backtalk.

I don't remember being punished for whining. Maybe there was an understanding that whining was a no-go zone. There were definitely certain things we just didn't do. Not sure. I did get a lot of sudden physical punishments from my dad when I wasn't sure what I did and he didn't tell me because he was so mad. I guess I could have been whining. I don't remember.

Like that line from Thelma and Louise, where Geena Davis says as shes locking the cop in the trunk of his car, "my boyfriend wasnt sweet to me and look how i turned out."