Earlier this year my T terminated me after a misunderstanding and would not let me come back citing family problems and he was doing work other than counselling. I found out this was not so by pretending to be a future client and he offered me sessions later this year. My gp consistently told me he wasnt seeing new client or re engaging old old ones , today i drove past his rooms and saw his usual Tuesday afternoon group. I was over whelmed and sent a text saying i cant believe you di this. I have written an email i would people to read before i send as i am not thinking straight. Bear in mind i have consistently broken the no contact rule. I really want to keep seeing him he was my T for 9 years
Here is the email
Hi S
I am confused. You are seeing your Tuesday afternoon group after conveying to me through Emma that you werent seeing old clients. Would i be able to come back too? Please. I will pay you privately and only once a month. How is this not a reasonable thing?
Regards
C

[feralkittymom]

IDK,BCM. It sounds kind of stalker-ish. Do you really think he'd change his mind at this point? If you don't believe he would, then how does it help you to send it?

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

IDK,BCM. It sounds kind of stalker-ish. Do you really think he'd change his mind at this point? If you don't believe he would, then how does it help you to send it?

I dont know how it would help but i seem to like taunting him i dont know why. How does it sound stalkerish? Are you sounding my behaviour is? I am aware of that.
I just really want to keep seeing him it consuming sometimes

[Lonelyinmyheart]

I understand the longing to go back but maybe it would be better to see this as an opportunity to find a better t who treats you with the respect that you deserve? Begging him to allow you back will only make you feel worse and is unlikely to achieve anything. Even if he did take you back at this point could you really trust him and be able to work with him on a deep level knowing that he terminated you and lied to you?

[ScarletPimpernel]

Do you really want to see him again, or are you seeking closure.

How I finally got over ex-T was my T telling me my relationship with ex-T was over. I hated my T for telling me that, but it's what I needed to hear. Do you need to hear that too? If so, from what I've read, your relationship with your ex-T is over. He hasn't responded to your communications, he's clearly still there, and you've become obsessed with him. You will probably never get the closure you deserve and need. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[Lonelyinmyheart]

FWIW, I couldn't see any t who only took me back because I begged them to.

Originally Posted by Lonelyinmyheart

I understand the longing to go back but maybe it would be better to see this as an opportunity to find a better t who treats you with the respect that you deserve? Begging him to allow you back will only make you feel worse and is unlikely to achieve anything. Even if he did take you back at this point could you really trust him and be able to work with him on a deep level knowing that he terminated you and lied to you?

Several people have said this.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

Do you really want to see him again, or are you seeking closure.

How I finally got over ex-T was my T telling me my relationship with ex-T was over. I hated my T for telling me that, but it's what I needed to hear. Do you need to hear that too? If so, from what I've read, your relationship with your ex-T is over. He hasn't responded to your communications, he's clearly still there, and you've become obsessed with him. You will probably never get the closure you deserve and need. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

I think i do or at least an explanation why he felt he cant see me, i often think it was something about me that caused it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I like this quote I learned from someone on here: it's not your fault, but it is your problem.

You did not cause this. You might have been part of the equation, but a relationship consists of two people both who have responsibility for their issues. How you respond to this injustice is your responsibility. Stalking him isn't going to help anyone. You know this. You need to find a way to move on, get better, for yourself.

[Rive.]

Has there been any 'closure' session with him? Or a session where you could tell him all these things i.e. the inconsistency between his words and actions or any sort of explanation. It might help to get things off your chest with a face-to-face, even if mediated by a third party.

I don't think sending texts or emails would be helpful. He might use that against you when you are the 'injured party', so to speak.

I am sorry he behaved so abhorrently towards you. He comes across as a liar, pure and simple. Plus, he cannot even have to decency to be straight with you. I know you are in pain but could you really work with a man who lies and is such a coward?

You deserve much better than him. I am baffled how he can call himself a 'therapist' with all the harm he is doing and his callousness in just shrugging it off. I believe you are better off than being with someone who is not/cannot be genuine and authentic.

[LonesomeTonight]

I wouldn't send the email as you have it written. It will likely just put him on the defensive. And may, as others have said, make it sound like you're stalking him, from looking in his window. If you really want to try seeing him again, I'd leave those things out of it and maybe just say that you wished you could come back for one more session for closure, perhaps with a third party.

[SlumberKitty]

BCM, as difficult as this situation is, I don't think sending the email would do any good. I think it would just alienate the T further away from you. I think if it were me, I'd try to find another T to work through the ending with this T. It just doesn't seem like this T is going to give you the ending you deserve or desire. I'm so sorry it is so painful. HUGS Kit

[here today]

Originally Posted by BlessedCheeseMaker

I think i do or at least an explanation why he felt he cant see me, i often think it was something about me that caused it.

He's a liar. He terminated the therapy because HE decided to, for whatever reasons inside of him caused that. Something about you may have triggered or contributed to whatever inside of him decided to terminate you, but it was HIS decision.

He's a liar. He's not competent. So sorry you have had this experience, and that you have had some trust in someone who was not worthy of it. Very, very sad. I know what that's like.

Do you think that thinking it's something about you that caused it is an ingrained pattern from your childhood? If so, I'm so sorry that you don't have him to help you through this. Maybe another T can? Maybe sending the email in its current form will help but I doubt it. Though perhaps it will help reinforce that the relationship is over, which might be helpful in the long run.

Originally Posted by Rive.

Has there been any 'closure' session with him? Or a session where you could tell him all these things i.e. the inconsistency between his words and actions or any sort of explanation. It might help to get things off your chest with a face-to-face, even if mediated by a third party.

I don't think sending texts or emails would be helpful. He might use that against you when you are the 'injured party', so to speak.

I am sorry he behaved so abhorrently towards you. He comes across as a liar, pure and simple. Plus, he cannot even have to decency to be straight with you. I know you are in pain but could you really work with a man who lies and is such a coward?

You deserve much better than him. I am baffled how he can call himself a 'therapist' with all the harm he is doing and his callousness in just shrugging it off. I believe you are better off than being with someone who is not/cannot be genuine and authentic.

No closure session. He did say shortly after the last session, when i asked about a closure session , that he did offer one but inwas so distraught at the time i dont remember if he did or not. Its hard after some many years.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I wouldn't send the email as you have it written. It will likely just put him on the defensive. And may, as others have said, make it sound like you're stalking him, from looking in his window. If you really want to try seeing him again, I'd leave those things out of it and maybe just say that you wished you could come back for one more session for closure, perhaps with a third party.

I never looked through his window over the years i have naturally noticed what cars are there as i used to have to drive past his rooms regularly as he is on the only road into town and the groeup consists of 3 very distinctive people. I would never look through his window.

Thanks everyone i might try and get the newT to arrange something even though i have only seen him twice.

Originally Posted by here today

He's a liar. He terminated the therapy because HE decided to, for whatever reasons inside of him caused that. Something about you may have triggered or contributed to whatever inside of him decided to terminate you, but it was HIS decision.

He's a liar. He's not competent. So sorry you have had this experience, and that you have had some trust in someone who was not worthy of it. Very, very sad. I know what that's like.

Do you think that thinking it's something about you that caused it is an ingrained pattern from your childhood? If so, I'm so sorry that you don't have him to help you through this. Maybe another T can? Maybe sending the email in its current form will help but I doubt it. Though perhaps it will help reinforce that the relationship is over, which might be helpful in the long run.

I spent 9 years trying to tell him things in the first 4-5 years we worked really wel and after that things started to slide and my sessions got shorter.
I think it is from my childhood as my adoptive mother used to say things like wahts wrong with you whycant you....

[here today]

Originally Posted by BlessedCheeseMaker

. . .
I think it is from my childhood as my adoptive mother used to say things like wahts wrong with you whycant you....

I get it. Been there, done that. . .

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by BlessedCheeseMaker

I never looked through his window over the years i have naturally noticed what cars are there as i used to have to drive past his rooms regularly as he is on the only road into town and the groeup consists of 3 very distinctive people. I would never look through his window.

Oh, OK, I think I'd just assumed you looked through the window driving by, sorry about that! It didn't occur to me that you could tell by cars. which, I used to know what ex-MC drove (think he changed since then), so could tell when he was in the office.

[SalingerEsme]

It seems hugely unethical to lie/gaslight you. If his decision is not to see you, then he needs to own it truthfully, and stand congruently where he is with you. It is harder to let go if you feel someone is tricking or outright lying to you?

[susannahsays]

Originally Posted by BlessedCheeseMaker

No closure session. He did say shortly after the last session, when i asked about a closure session , that he did offer one but inwas so distraught at the time i dont remember if he did or not. Its hard after some many years.

I may have imagined it, but I thought you met with him and your gp already in an effort to bring you some closure.

[Xynesthesia2]

People make up all sorts of excuses when they don't want to reveal the true reason for doing something. To me, it just shows that Ts, in general, don't really have a better integrity than the average Joe. If I wanted a honest explanation and closure and someone was not willing to provide that by themselves, I would rather just move on than beg for it. It would certainly affect my opinion on them negatively.

Originally Posted by susannahsays

I may have imagined it, but I thought you met with him and your gp already in an effort to bring you some closure.

No that was to organise a pdoc review to cover his arse because he thought i was threatening sui

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia2

People make up all sorts of excuses when they don't want to reveal the true reason for doing something. To me, it just shows that Ts, in general, don't really have a better integrity than the average Joe. If I wanted a honest explanation and closure and someone was not willing to provide that by themselves, I would rather just move on than beg for it. It would certainly affect my opinion on them negatively.

In one of the final sessions he said that my sessions were a waste of his time which kind of hurt but i shrugged it off as him trying to motivate me. I cant imagine why i would have thought that. He had been a bit odd for a few years now.

[SalingerEsme]

Why not write him a very sane, credible review a few places like Yelp and Google? Write while he excels at xyz, he lacks ethics in long term therapy situations so you recommend him only for short-term situations . Make it very balanced, but get your point across and give some accountability ?