Love T but concerned about boundaries

Been with T for almost two years.

He tells me that he is more open with me than with any other client. He tells me intimate details about his life and his mind. He has called me his favourite client.

Recently he even brought up that he went through an ethics program and the way he relates to me is polar opposite of good counselling ethics. No intention to stop. He even said that if he loses his job over it then so be it.

I do not suspect any kind of sexual or romantic feeling from him. It just feels like a very close friendship that has this annoying technicality of the therapeutic relationship in the way.

I absolutely love my T and I leave every session feeling refreshed and more alive. But the issue of ethics and my need for good therapy creeps in my head. I wonder how dangerous this situation might be.

Do you still feel you get therapy for your issues? Do you improve? Does it still feel like a professional situation?

I have had very close therapist relationships too. I have had therapists who have told me that they loved me and I've had therapists tell me very personal things about themselves. I have one therapist who does this that I believe is very ethical. I had another one that I think was not at all. The difference is why and when they do it. One therapist very deliberately tells me things that she thinks are for my benefit. Like if I am talking about dealing with my aging mother she might tell me how she dealt with her own family members. She also usually waits until I ask her a question and then shares. She doesn't insert stories randomly. The other therapist really seemed to share his stuff and say that stuff because it met some kind of need for him. He once told a story about his mother choking him when he was a kid. This was sort of out of the blue and felt to me like he was trying to prove to me that he had worse abuse than I did. When I asked him why he told me that, he said "well you weren't talking."

The ethical therapist tells me that she loves me and that I am one of her favorite clients, but she didn't do that the first few years we worked together. That grew slowly, and it seems like she does it because she knows that I struggle with self-esteem stuff. The unethical one told me that I was attractive and that he enjoyed talking to me because I was intelligent. He also said I was one of his favorite clients. But I think he was doing that to get me to like him because he suffered from self-esteem stuff. Both of them felt really good to me though.

So it's kind of hard to tell sometimes. The fact that you are wondering though makes me think that he could be pushing boundaries. Also, he's kind of saying that he would give up his job for you, but if he gives up his job then how will he be able to help you with your issues? It does seem to be a bit dangerous and I think that you are wise to think about it. You could bring it up to him and say that you like him but some of the stuff he says makes you uncomfortable. If he is an ethical therapist he will apologize and become more professional. If he isn't, he might get defensive or double down on how much he cares about you.

Alarm bells would be ringing for me in this situation. I don't believe any therapist should disclose that you are his favourite client - for me it's as bad as a parent admitting that you are their favourite child. It makes you feel special, yes, but otherwise it's in bad taste and unfair to the others. In a therapy situation the work is about your feelings, not t's, The fact he is prepared to lose his job over his feelings for you, whatever form these feelings take, signal to me that things are getting out of control here. I appreciate you're very attached to him and he is helpful on some level but it just seems wrong. Be mindful whether feeling alive and refreshed after each session may be a temporarily response to feeling special to him rather than helping you work through your issues and feel better long term,

Only you can know whether this feels okay...but just be careful.

For me it reads like he is leading you down a slippery slope.

How can a client not be impacted hearing such messages. Namely, that he knows that how he is treating you is "polar opposite of good counselling" yet he has no intention of stopping?? A therapist claiming they are willing to lose their job over a client because of this breach of ethics?!

He is not being professional. Any disclosure ought to be carefully assessed. In other words: how will it impact a client? what is the purpose of said disclosure? Etc.

He, on the other hand, seems to be trespassing all over your boundaries, seemingly without a care in the world as to rules, ethics or even your feelings. I would have concerns over such a T.

I have had a therapy relationship that had very blurred boundaries. She never told me I was her favorite client, though. We worked really hard to make sure our appointments remained therapeutic even though we had a dual relationship

Therapy becomes dangerous when it becomes about the therapist's needs.

If this behavior disturbs you but you find the therapy otherwise helpful, maybe you could tell him that you don't like the unprofessional attitude and ask him to keep it to himself in the future. Although statements about no intention to stop, even if he loses his lob are extremely alarming and show very poor self-control.

I would pay attention to that little warning voice , it's often our subconscious / unconscious trying to tell us something. Often these things feel good to us , of course they do , but they are not good. This sounds likes a slippery slope as someone else has mentioned. Sometimes things are not problems in themselves , I had one T use self disclosure very effectively , but look at it overall , are there several red flags or concerning things ? I don't think its always intentional from the T either , we all like our needs met , but a T is required to be ethical and recognize this.

This whole message especially the highlighted area. He not only has poor boundaries, he doesn't sound healthy. I think you should cancel your appointment by phone and never have contact with him again.

I don't think breaking the ethics of the profession always harms the client, despite that being the message. However, the way you describe this relationship seems to be exactly the sort of thing that ends up being harmful to the client. He is your therapist yet it sounds like what you two are doing is not therapy. You should not being paying for friendship.

I think you're right to be concerned. This sounds like classic grooming stuff. Love-bombing, you're so special, those silly ethics rules just don't even apply, blah blah blah. I think it's worth looking for a new T, or if you don't want to do that, maybe just consult with someone else about this. I know a few people on this forum have done that.

My T works in a lot of grey areas with me as far as standard ethics. One thing I read the other day for sorting out ethics was to ask your T how —— (self disclosure, telling you that you are his favorite....) benefits your therapy. If they can give a reasonable answer to that and they are not violating your boundaries I would be less worried.

I'm open-minded when it comes to relationships, including therapeutic ones. I don't believe that there's "one way" to do a relationship. I'm not one to sound a battle cry of "Leave your therapist now!"

My one concern is that he told you you're his favorite patient. That crosses the line from healthy therapy into Uh, that is really weird.

My opinion is that you would do well to tell your therapist of your concerns (because clearly your gut is telling you to question).

My T had very sturdy boundaries when we first met over 8 years ago, over time they have certainly softened.

Since your questioning his boundaries then it’s time to have a discussion with him, some of what he said to you is a bit of a red flag.

Counter transference is a real thing and I’d want to get everything out in the open.

Talks like this are very hard to have... but life is hard.

DR. Andrea Celenza writes useful, helpful books about theses complex issues : Robot Check

Sounds like grooming, which can happen over many years. There's no reason for him to tell you those things... why would he? What's the purpose? Please seek out some additional support and question his motives. Good luck xx

I think therapy in general is about the therapist's needs. And I think it's most dangerous when therapist need gratification is covert. That is, in a "normal" therapy relationship. What OP describes is overt, thus it's at least easier to recognize.

For the therapist to even state that he doesn't care if he loses his job is rather scary (for the lack of a better word).

I don't think there is anything strange about a therapist preferring one client over another. Some people are easier to work with or simply their personalities mesh. That's just human nature. We don't like all people equally. What's disturbing is that he told you this. This is a subject he should be working out in supervision...if he's getting supervision...and not with you.

I completely agree. I think self-disclosure and expressing appreciation can be fine in moderate amounts, compliments as well. But by stating someone is a Ts favorite, he elevates himself and makes him especially important - you are HIS favorite, how outstanding. IMO, no professional who works with clients/teams should ever say things like this, let alone a T. I know full-well how challenging it can be at times to inhibit it from my own professional life (e.g. mentoring), but discrimination like this never leads to other benefits than ego-boost. I made that mistake a couple times and regretted each one, if for nothing else, because usually the "favorite" and special importance/liking did not last long.

In therapy, an ego-boost can be important for a client who has low self-esteem, for example, but there are many other, more effective ways to do this. For example, complimenting on someone's progress and achievements, like they are "special" because they have been able to overcome something especially difficult or made significant progress. Telling someone they are someone else's favorite in a professional context is mostly just an empty compliment that may feel good in the moment but has nothing to do with the purpose o the relationship. Just my view.

That was my point too although I didn't make it explicit. It's natural to have favourite people, It's part of being human. TELLING someone they are your favourite, as in this case or in a parent telling their child, is really out of order.

Actually, I think it is problematic for a therapist to think in terms of "favourites" and to create a hierarchy of clients in this way, even if they never share those thoughts with the client. It is immature and crude. My therapist has shared very raw and deep emotional responses to me and about working with me, but it has only ever been in reference to me and us - not a comparison to her other clients.

How could they (or anyone) choose what they think (or feel, I guess favorite is more a feeling) though?

I don't think a therapist necessarily does have a choice about how they feel. My point is that if they are approaching clients in terms of a hierarchy - if "favourites" are their point of reference - then they are emotionally and professionally immature. I think this crudeness would show in other areas of their practice and I think that is concerning.